New Direction

There is just one thing I guess you haven't tried yet...yup, that's abstinence. I know it's not the most fun ever, but at least you'll have lots of company here

Childhood sexual experiences can be unbelievably formative. It's as if a part of our brain is just waiting to pounce on anything and everything associated with intense sexual arousal (and emotional "wrongness" can make such things even more memorable and influential because fear creates really strong memories). This happens automatically, and it means that all sorts of random stuff can get wired into sexual arousal.

I think about my attraction to men...and honestly, it goes way beyond the fact that sex with men has led to orgasm. I think men are just delicious...regardless of orgasms. In other words, if I were you, I would trust my gut, and not my tastes tied to that heightened electrical "charge" that replays that childhood event (or some variation on it).

That said, only by unlinking orgasm from the "stuff" you sense is not your true orientation can you rewire your brain.

It's not going to kill you to give up orgasm for a few weeks to see what you notice about how your inner compass reacts. Trust me on that! Give it a try.

have to be an abusive situation to get wired into our sex lives. It just has to make a strong impression on that delicate, sponge-like, non-specific part of the brain that's waiting to mold our sexual proclivities.

Maybe the effeminate thing is an attempt to merge your attraction to women with this fetishy wiring...? Amari's right. Unwire it, and it won't matter what random wiring caused it.

Remember "neurons that fire together, wire together." So sexual arousal and the intensity of that early experience wired elements of both together.

BUT neurons that" fire apart, wire apart." So when you disconnect those stimuli from orgasm by giving things a rest (a month or two is good)...and then when you do have orgasm, make sure that you *don't* use those stimuli...you will *gradually* rewire your brain. It should be a very interesting experiment.

with a rather serious misconception about libido. We're taught that masturbation is healthy and that there can never be too much of it...without being taught that excess masturbation can cause the "need" to masturbate to escalate. We're also not taught that when it does escalate (due to the discomfort of the lows in between binges), our raging libido is no longer our natural libido. It's as if a ghost has grabbed the controls.

Normal libido is a healthy attraction to connecting with another person. It's not a constant burning desire to orgasm again and again.

Abstinence doesn't "dampen libido." It gives your brain a "breather." A chance to "reboot," so you can can once again discover what normal libido is like. Gary and I experience it as a warm attraction to each other that is always there. When we can have sex, great. When we can't it's still there, but we don't experience it as desperate cravings.

So no, don't worry that if you don't use it you'll lose it. What you've been doing...excess stimulation of the the parts of the brain that govern libido...is actually the best way to lose a healthy libido and sensitivity to normal attraction. Excessive habits replace it with a rather desperate need to self-medicate in between the forced highs. (The same need drives the attractions to fetishes that make you "hot.")

A desire to self-medicate is not the same thing as healthy libido, but this is not well understood at the moment, due to a lack of knowledge about the brain.

I don't know if you ever found time to read Chapter 6 from our book. It's based on the brain science you will read about in Doidge's book, but more our chapter is totally devoted to porn addiction. http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/Cupid-Ch6.pdf

I've just typed in a lot more material from the Doidge book on neuroplasticity and porn use, and I may add more still. (Most of the book is not about porn, but the porn and sexual proclivities chapter is so relevant to this forum, that it's hard not to share it.)

http://www.reuniting.info/node/1808

I'd be interested in seeing them.

Personally, I think there are folks who from birth just feel like members of the opposite sex, and so feel a normal attraction to members of their same sex. And there's evidence that suggests there are genetic reasons for homosexuality, too, although it's weaker than you may think. I think I read in Diamond's book that when they looked at twins, the chance of both becoming gay was about the same as the chance both would be smokers.

That said, it also seems that our brains can acquire sexual tastes that "aren't really us." They're like layers from a later civilization that archeologists realize are quite unrelated to the culture of earlier dwellers whose artifacts are found on deeper levels at the same spot.

I suspect that these "acquired tastes" (whatever they may be...and believe me homosexual attraction is only one of many...did you read the post about how all the masochists in a BDSM community underwent painful medical procedures as children???) are the tastes (turn-ons) that can be unraveled by a period of abstinence, perhaps combined with a new focus for sexual activity...such as karezza.

I don't think the risk is of becoming asexual. I think the risk is that you may return to your original blueprint...whatever that may have been...assuming any change at all occurs. I might add that 10 days of abstinence for you left you all a-quiver at the thought of a woman...for the first time in two years. That hardly sounds like asexuality to me!

So I think it's mistaken to lump all homosexuality into either category, and if the sites you visited claimed that, I'd be interested to see how they explain homosexual transexuals.

In any case, if you're not sure which category you belong to, you have little to lose by trying the abstinence for a while to see what comes of it. Worst case, you pass up a few orgasms. Why do I always have the sense that your "addict brain" would rather rationalize continuing porn use whatever it takes, rather than stick with abstinence for an extended period?

I can see how you could read that and worry, but I still think that you have a sexual blueprint that is *beneath* any "add-ons," like the poor guy whose circumcision was mangled...ouch!, and I don't see the remarks you quoted as being inconsistent with that. While we can make peace with our sexual desire by not pursuing orgasm, we can't erase it. It's still there, giving us drive, charisma, inspiration, energy, etc.

There is some circuitry in (most all) brains that is just lying there, already wired up...for when the right stimulus comes along. Such as "motherhood" (the instinct to care for one's offspring), or a taste for sweets. Sex itself is like that. I don't think anyone can completely rid themselves of such things.

I do think that one can rewire "add-ons", though...should one care to for some reason. But that won't "pull sex out by the roots." It will just reboot one's sexuality...to some degree. At least this is what I've observed so far.

Do you have a link to the statements you quoted?

I dug up the article I was referring to. It's a "subscription only" article, but I got it through our library.

BEYOND THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE

Here's an excerpt, in which the author is describing the changes that occur in the wiring of the brain during addiction:

... Other changes in synaptic connections are
more concrete: Memory researchers have found that a neuron's dendrites
build more branching projections and have more synapses that connect to
neurons with which the cell communicates regularly. Robinson and
colleagues have found that drugs produce the same effect. When they
sensitize animals to a drug, they see more dendritic branches and a
greater density of neurons in the nucleus accumbens and the prefontal
cortex.

Both areas are key players in processing reward signals and
making decisions. These morphological changes last at least a month,
Robinson says, and probably longer. Addiction researchers and memory
researchers suspect that such physical changes in neurons and their
connections are crucial for understanding both fields. "To me, that is
the core," says Hyman. "There is no more important question in the
field of addiction than understanding the mechanisms that produce and
maintain altered patterns of synaptic connections."

Nestler says the basic molecular processes
constructing these changes are probably the same in learning and memory
and in addiction. After all, he says, "the brain is conservative" and
probably has a "finite repertoire of molecular changes that it can
mount in response to environmental perturbations."

Nestler and his
colleagues have found at least one molecule that appears to be specific
for addiction, however. The protein, called Delta-FosB, builds up in the
reward pathway after repeated exposure to drugs and sticks around
longer than other proteins--for as long as 4 to 6 weeks after the last
dose. The protein increases an animal's sensitivity to drugs and can
also induce relapse if injected.

In some cases, the line between memory
systems and addiction is hard to draw. ...

Another expert mentioned that Delta-FosB has also been found to build up in mice who had been "addicted to running," and suffered brain changes similar to addicts. So it stands to reason that porn addiction would produce the same changes.

Hi lost,

When you described how your childhood experiences are affecting you I immediately thought of EFT (emotional freedom technique). It is an easy DIY method for emotional healing that I use daily, and other members of reuniting have attested to its benefits. The methods creator, Gary Craig, gives his ebook away freely from his website. If I remember correctly there is a video of him treating a woman who was sexually abused as a child (dealing specifically with her childhood experience). I don't want to say any more since it would detract from the thread's topic - google will give you all the info you need if you're interested.

Also, if it is any encouragement, I've experienced similar fears around effeminate men. I am not attracted or aroused by men in any way - I find women just wonderful. But, with highly effeminate men I used to experience a great fear that I would be attracted to their femininity. This happens no more thanks to EFT.

Cheers to all!

Various "tapping" therapies come up on this forum all the time, and some have had really good success with them. It's great to have another testimonial.

How did you find your way here?

Marnia, all through my teenage years (I'm now 22) I masturbated twice a day - once in the evening to help me get to sleep, once in the morning. At about 18 I realized that if I didn't masturbate in the morning I had far more energy. What I thought was the morning blues disappeared without M. I started searching online. I read about sexual exhaustion, the perils of excessive masturbation, read all the Mantak Chia multi-orgasmic stuff, read about non-ejaculatory orgasms etc. But something bothered me... I could never manage to make it work. I tried masturbating in my usual routine but while avoiding the big O with muscle clenching exercises: Either I failed, or had sore balls for the rest of the day. It seemed so forced and unnatural. I asked myself the question, "Does this seem like what nature intends?" - NO WAY. It was only on finding this website that everything clicked. I wasn't humping my mattress for all those years because I wanted sex, but because I wanted to feel the warmth of somebody's body, I wanted to bond. After up to a month without orgasm the results have been great - more energy, more drive, more social confidence. Recently I found myself dancing (I always thought I wasn't a dancer) with two beautiful girls who made it clear that they liked being with me. This never happened before, or I was just too blind to see it. I never danced before either. I get excited thinking about how life could turn out with this knowledge.

A big hug and thankyou for all your work!
parky

Welcome everyone

In my case it all has started when I was about 9 years old, if only had I known what consequences would watching porn have in my later life... Anyway it all started with "regular porn", I added mastrurbation at some time and it hooked me in. When I was about 15, discovered my attraction to gay porn but I didn,t belive I might be gay. I dated girls and it was all right till the moment I made real love for the first time... Everything was allright until the moment I wanted to finish - I just didn't have ejaculation during sex... After several tries I discovered I have to quit porn and masturbation so I did so and everything finally went normal...

It's been a few years now from that moment, some time ago I recalled that gay porn gets me going so I started to watch it again and it's not that I wanted to have gay sex, suppouse that is just what marnia explaines as looking for a dirty stuff to get a dopamine rush... Unfortunattly what started some time ago was that I started to watch gay porn regullary (even a few times a week) and masturbated during it ... My problems with ejaculattions during regular sex with my girlfrien came back, I felt quilty, I was getting nervous so easly, had problems with sleeping. If I had problem with regular sex (mean couldn't finish) I came back to gay porn, masturbated and it all sterted again, I hated this circe.

Hopefully, I have found this forum, and (thank you again Marnia) found out about all this dopamine rush and decided to quite orgasm and watchin' porn for some time... It's been 2 weeks alredy, feeling like having my life under controle again and hope to keep going with it for 6 more weeks. Sometimes it's really hard but have support from my girlfriend and have taken on sport again....

All the best for U Marnia

can be done with the technique of eliminating the image before it reaches formation and attracts energy. Here is a write up on the process from Dr. David R. Hawkins. Imagine the canceling of the image as soon as it appears with a big red X.
(transcribed from a DVD called "What is Real")
"How to transcend any desire of a physical nature. How to overcome a craving. Ah, a craving first starts in your mind as an image. If you watch this carefully you will see any craving first appears as an image, whether it is a cheeseburger, hamburger, a naked body, whatever, or if you are an alcoholic, a drink. First comes the image of the drink, and you eliminate it instantly (imagine the big red X on the image). The image draws energy to it, so when it first appears, it is only about 5 watts, if you don't exterminate it within the first second, it is about 150 watts, then 600 watts, then its a have to.
You can interrupt the progression by interrupting the image. Alright, so even if you look at something, a cheesburger, or whatever, it isn't just the cheeseburger, it is instantly you have the image of a cheeseburger in your mind and that is what you crave. Therefore, you have to be very fast and see the object of the cravingness appear in your consciousness and make a choice to eliminate it now.
I always tell alcoholics you have about one or two seconds to eliminate that image of a drink.
In the book AA, it talks about some guy, sober 14 years, or 11 years or something, and, he walked in a hotel and the image of a martini came to mind, and mindlessly he walked to the bar and after 13-14 years of sobriety, he relapsed and got drunk.
So, in that one second, you will see in the AA book, where the early members recount their experiences, that, out of no where, suddenly appeared the image of the martini, and that's when he had his chance.
When he did not eliminate the martini the instant he automatically walked to the bar and lost 14 years of sobriety. He didn't like consciously choose, he just didn't have the consciousness technique, the spiritual technique (to know how to eliminate the image).