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21 Day Goal - Give up Orgasm
The Goal; To give up orgasms, for 21 Days
(From experience at previous attempts. For me to have any hope, I WILL GIVE UP: masturbating & pornography too)
I have been using my journal recently but I have decided to post my goals, both to help myself and to help others. This may give me more motivation to succeed knowing others maybe observing my progress.
History: For the best part of 10 years I have been masturbating without really realising I was addicted. I only realised I was AFTER I began to try to give it up after I read about the benefits of going without orgasm (on the Reuniting website last year) can bring. I have been exploring and trying to give it up completely now for just over a year. I have failed many times and my successes have become more and more frequent.
Failures and Lessons
I have learnt a lot from my failures. Some of the lessons and techniques that I have personally learned, which are helping me to get closer to finally overcoming this addiction to pornography and masturbating are listed below:
- I stay a lot more focused when I Set The Goal Down (wherever that maybe, I personally, set it down in my journalling software).
- I find it a lot easier, when my goal is NOT to give it up FOR LIFE. But, instead, to give it up for a shorter period of time (to begin with). The amount here depends on your current amount of self-discipline. It maybe 3 days, it maybe 30 days. (This idea was courtesy of Steve Pavlina, personal growth expert).
- The times I have succeeded for the longest periods of time, are when: I have not been alone with my PC in PRIVACY. This is the SINGLE BIGGEST factor for me. There is NO other time I would ever begin masturbating to pornographic material. For example, you would not see me, logged on in a restaurant on the wi-fi zone cracking one off in front of everybody else. J
- There is an enormous amount of surplus energy that begins to generate within me when I abstain from masturbating. There have been times, where I have just released it all by masturbating and thought "you know what I have so much energy right now, I have enough to release some to some beautiful girls". This obviously is a straight away failure. The times where I have succeeded EASILY at giving up this habit, were the times where my mind was focused on the positive side of life, the kind side of life, for example, to consciously choose not to see the faults in others and to instead, focus on the good qualities in people, this creates a feeling of closeness to others and during these times, abstaining was EASY. I managed to abstain for up to 30 days EASILY, even while I was with my PC in my bedroom, alone, each night when I was focusing more on others and not myself.
- To ACCEPT failure as part of the process of giving this habit up. When I used to beat myself up about failing I lost quite a lot of hope in ever achieving this goal.
How Am I going to Achieve this?
I am going to go down THE MOST ENJOYABLE PATH (this idea again is Steve Pavlina's, expert in personal growth). This for those who are wondering what this is, is just a way of creating a plan. For example, rather than going down the most strict short path of, say, "I am going to simply give this up now for the rest of my life" (which usually for me, does not work), INSTEAD, you go down the Most Enjoyable Path, so for example "I will give it up for a few days at first, then take a break, then I will try 5 days and take a break, and so on". (Again I am not here to pretend I am some personal growth expert, these methods come from the expert himself, Steve Pavlina).
For me, THE MOST ENJOYABLE PATH during this specific 21 Day Trial, is below.
- An opportunity to masturbate and watch porn as often as I like for a WHOLE DAY if I wish to, at the end of this goal, and even if I wish, to revert back completely to my usual habits of watching pornography and masturbating (IF I did not feel there was any benefit, there usually are lots of benefits for me J). ***IMPORTANT*** As Marnia has researched, the actual hangover period does not end usually until after a 2 to 2 and a half week period or so, so it would not be a good idea to give up for 3 days, and then decide there was no benefits and then just revert back to your usual habit of watching porn and masturbating on a regular basis. REMEMEBR, the benefits do not come IMMEDIATELY. This is my personal understanding anyway.
- To occupy my mind through reading and enjoying a decent book rather than deciding to watch porn because there is nothing better to do.
- This may sound to some women, a little bad. But, remembering, by giving this habit up, it is creating an enormous amount of time in the future to focus on other things. INCLUDING having SEX with REAL WOMEN. Something that becomes a real possibility when overcoming the addiction, largely for me due to my increased confidence, clearness and calmness of mind, increased amount of energy and many other benefits (Marnia knows the benefits, there are many).
OTHER IDEAS here INCLUDE, for example, treat yourself to a massage if you succeed with the goal, go to the cinema, take a trip to a National Park or anything else you enjoy. Maybe daily baths each night to relax in. OR order an escort girl from the internet, a possible motivator for us sex addicts here (joke, 
). J AND OF COURSE, on the Reuniting website there is a list somewhere that helps you, a list of things to do, these include bonding behaviours, hugging and connecting with others more etc.
DAILY RITUAL (where possible for the next 21 days)
- Track my Urges and Moods and note whether I was or was not successful ( just 5 - 10 minutes at the end of each day).
TO HELP ME
- Learn more in my free time and develop some determination, from Cupid's Poisoned Arrow Book and the Reuniting website, as well as any other sources.
http://www.reuniting.info/ - I can read an article for 5 MINUTES if I am ever feeling a strong urges, or an article from Marnia's Book.
- Cupid's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
26th December 2009 - Day 1
A success
Enjoy the plan...
but I'm very disappointed to know that I am unlikely to see you cracking one off in a restauant. I rather had my heart set on that, I'm afraid.
haha, maybe if you paid me ALOT of money...
haha, maybe if you paid me ALOT of money...
I really like the way you
I really like the way you have this planned out. I am not completely sure where I stand with everything, talking about masturbation orgasm and porn. I have those at different days right now. I think I will just start over tomorrow as day 1. I do not plan on doing any of those tonight. I am feeling much better today than I have in a few. What I mean is I will just forget where I was at before and just make tomorrow day 1. I think I will use you plan of going 21 days starting tomorrow. At the end of that 21 days I will see if I want to reward myself like you suggest.
I have not been tat long before. I think 19 days has been my longest. So 21 days is a good amount of time to aim for. I also really need to setup my routine. I need to make that list of things to do each day so that I can check them off. I am determined to get into shape. I have been doing ok with that. It is just the holiday got me off my diet and exercise routine. Starting tomorrow I am going to stick to my diet plan. also to my exercise. I want to add cleaning my house to that. I want to clean at least part of it every day from now on. I am a neat freak at heart. This addiction I think just allows me to let things go. I think the untidiness just helps fuel my moods. I think the addiction just zaps my desire to do other things. I need to just do things and keep doing them. I really want to change my whole life. I feel empowered when I abstain from m/p/o. I want to feel that all the time. Think about it if you gain energy by exercise and proper diet and then add that energy gain you get from not having orgasms how much energy and power will you add to your life.
I also have noticed the need to write a lot. I feel great while I write. I still can not sustain in for long periods of time. I do however write many times a day. I mentioned I think already that I started a journal a about a week ago. I never thought I would do something like that. Now I wish I had been doing it a long time. I would love to read what I was thinking year ago on a certain day. Of course it is probably for the best cause I was so deep in my addiction for so long everything would have been a little off or maybe a lot. It still might be helpful to know how I felt at the time though. So I also agree a journal is a big help.
I think your post has inspired me a good bit today. I think it was good timing cause of a few things going on for me right now and reading your post at just the right time. I think I have finally come out of my fog that started on Thursday. I am at a very high point of feeling very good right now.
sorry I am rambling now. I just also like the links you have. I said I wanted to do something like that with my desktop. I really should try to start that tonight. So that when I feel down I can click a link and get positive things flowing for me.
I found good distraction maybe for when urges and craving hit. Logic puzzles. they are along the lines of cross word puzzles. I just like these much better. I had not heard of them until a little over a week ago and someone at work showed me one. They also help keep your mind active. I recommend them to anyone looking for something to focus on for 15 minutes or more to get there mind off of the addiction.
OK I think that is enough I will take the rest of this to my blog.
I really like the way you have this thought out. I will see if it works for me.
thanks for the reply
thanks for the reply James, it is good to know I am helping other people, it helps drive my determination. Thanks. Anyway, I have never really spoken to that many other addicts before so I am interested in your story if you ever get chance. If you have no time, then it is fine.
Thats interesting
because I heard that it takes 3 weeks to form a new habit. Good plan. Its good to incorporate whatever systems work to get us through this. I keep in contact with a lot of people from 12 step programs and that helps a lot, Ive seen postings for ebooks on here and other resources that have helped a ton too. This method seems powerful! Oh yeah, try not to reward yourself by getting an escort, theyll take your money!
Well, if you do start doing that in the restaurant, it might work out good for the program because you'll have a negative association with that behavior every time you do it. Jail, getting beat up, being shamed, laughed at, kicked out, hit on by a passer by, etc. No, withdrawals are enough!
haha thanks for the post you
haha thanks for the post you Dirty Angel
thats great...
Cupid....wish you the best in your endeavour...I have also found help (psychologically) when I quit for a "trial" period rather than commit for life...even if the goal is to eventually get there....I really hope you dont feel the need to indulge the "whole day" when the 21st day arrives...I believe there is an effect on the reinforcement of the addiction in such cases...I am betting on the chance that you will find the abstinence life so good that you wont need to go back
Cheers,
Reggie
Hi Reggie,
How are you getting along? You sound good.
thanks for the message Reggie
thanks for the message Reggie, yeah usually with me, it would be a good few hours of indulgence, with the thinking, I have had an orgasm anyway, I may aswell make the most and enjoy lots of porn and masturbation. We will see what happens.
what is your story then, if you have time that is.
Really useful Cupid
once again, can't believe how I can share this tortuous journey with others, was resigned to going it alone until stumbling across this website.
on day 15 for the first time since a child and will now 'sign up' to reaching 21 days, which seems a realistic goal. Some great insights and tips- my problem at the moment is that I cannot find true joy in the sort of distractions many have put forward. May be it is early days and the more room I make, the greater the force of my spirtual energy- but for the moment it is gritted teeth. Have to go and do some weights now as the 'pull' of images playing out in my head is very strong- but i will remember I am not alone...
It's normal
for the world to seem "gray" at first, without one's chosen "treat." I'm reminded of the words of the first guy who recovered here.
So, be patient. The future will not be like the present.
*big hug*
thanks for the message
thanks for the message this new way of posting my goal in here is helping, i can sense it, thankyou for the support. what is your story "Live the Way"?
Day 16
almost completed Cupid, so 5 days to go to reach our goal. Worried about the New Years break from work and having time to drift zombie like as Reggie succinctly puts it. Exercising to heavy dance music is quite a good distraction I find and mimics the high ( endorphin I'm guessing Marnia rather than Dopamine?)Quite excited though about how my meditation might change- me getting excited about anything other than porn is another benchmark!
My story in short, as you kindly ask-
boarding school from 8, all boys, which just increased the fascination towards the fairer sex. a lot of porn around the school and lots of kids collected and traded. Secretly I was very interested and began to stash away.
Pretty normal set of relationships and good upbringing, so porn sort of fell away.
Then back with this wretched easy accessibility and recognize the 'porn blanket' syndrome, using it to iron out emotions or avoid them, rather than take them on. Trying to tread a spiritual path, as important to me now at this stage in my life- so when I indulge its sort of catacllysmic. Then feel guilt about getting so pre-occupied, when a billion people don't even have enough to eat. That's all I can say for now!
Quite honestly,
I don't see how you could have done any differently. That's how powerful this particular "brain candy" is, or rather, how vulnerable our brains are, since they never had to "evolve past it" so to speak.
So please, no guilt. Just optimism. Even if it takes a while, enjoy the return to your "real self." And then, who knows? Sky's the limit!
Thanks
Marnia, I have learnt at last that beating myself up is wholly counterproductive, but it runs deep and feeds off the decline in mood.
My down time projects are chopping wood, painting, maybe lunch with friends if they can get through the snow. New ground so no promises, but 21 days does not look so bad.....
yeah thanks for the reply
yeah thanks for the reply. I went to an all boys school and my parents tried their best for me, looks like we are in this together. so if you get time to answer, what are your views on spirituality and how did you get on today with abstaining?
More than co-incidence
I guess Cupid, that collective craving we had as boys for anything female or even maternal- we had boarders of six just crying themselves to sleep every night. Those porn images (extremely soft by today's standards) were not only exciting but of great comfort. I grew up with the band The Who-they did a very early song, "pictures of Lilly" which was about a boy going through puberty and being comforted by an old World War II pin up- I really identified with that song.
On spiritual matters, I have been into Zen for a long time, as it developed in China and amalgamated with Taoism- the link to Lao Tsu brought me to this website. However, the link to Mahayana Buddhism and the 'ancient path' of the Vedas is equally important- especially the Upanishads. If you have not accessed it, the Katha Upanishad is a profound piece of writing, on a par I think with Lao Tsu's Tao Te Ching.
I also like a lot of native American Indian culture as an influence. I say goodnight by quoting my favourite, Chief Luther Standing Bear ( he was reportedly 6ft 8!):
"The White Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it is dark"
Will hopefully read of your interests tomorrow- and yes, did abstain today but every female looked gorgeous!
Hey!
We ARE gorgeous. And so are you guys, when we're in balance.
Of course
Marnia, my fault for warping everything through this tension of sexually charged energy swirling around at the moment.
I guess porn can 'appear' to represent a solution to a multiplicity of needs. I accept your porn blanket analogy entirely in terms of 'regulating' emotion and using it as a psychological crutch. However, in plain terms, I have also used it in order to stay faithful to a long term partner with serious health problems. When you don't feel well you really don't want to be involved with any sexual based intimacy, even non orgasmic. Sure we will cuddle and gain from that, but the irony is I am fit and healthy, with the usual drives
So a rounda bout way of saying without the porn, my eye strays and can get attracted to other women and fantasise. I know now that I have the strength to remain faithful, yet this feels like a journey into the void, Frankly after 21 days i don't know what will happen. I effectively have an enforced form of sexual celibacy for much of the time. We take advantage of brief times when she is well enough, but these are few and far between. My spiritual journey remains integral to me, but its a real, real test!
Do you have any advice Marnia? ( shared with others, in case it assists, but for the first time and trembling!)
Advice about what?
Gary tells me I'm a veritable fountain of advice.
Do you mean advice on staying faithful to your ailing spouse? Yeah, actually I do have some. Try karezza with her, instead of "going for it" when you CAN have sex. I know that seems crazy, but it actually strengthens both partners in ways I don't begin to understand.
So my thought is that you're likely to get more lovemaking if you stick to karezza when you do make love. Who knows? You may even heal her. Gary was amazed that in the first year we were together he dropped a long-term addiction and got off of 8 years of antidepressants, started sleeping soundly again, and so forth. It really seemed like a miracle...but I believe it's just the benefits of bonding behaviors...without the neurochemical "joy ride" of orgasm.
Could be worth a try!
*big hug*
Amazing-
that is truly amazing and spurs to me to look at karezza in depth. Pouring over the Wisdom articles re-inforces my 'faith' that tapping into the universal energy can work miracles. In early Hindu mythology, advanced yogis were reported to fly 7 times around the universe just for kicks- so if that is possible, your experience certainly is!
My thanks to you and Gary-
day 18, not at work but lots of chores done and doing. Feeling the urge deep down, headache, how to sustain this?. So my schedule is:
Chores around the house
paperwork
light lunch
mediatation
exercise-maybe run and see some trees
read about karezza
talk to partner
finish a film
ALL the time drawing up the energy from the loins into the body- transform in the Heart-
Just the simple matter now of putting it into practice!
Bets of luck to all at home and struggling
And remember
to snuggle partner, too...or at least hold hands and make eye contact while talking.
BTW, the Daoists had whole books on different sexual positions for healing different ailments using orgasm-free lovemaking. Some are pictured in the world's most boring book on se
Healing Love Through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Love-Thru-Tao-Cultivating/dp/0935621059
Yes
just held hands and watched a film till she fell asleep- tired as she has been in pain today and had to go to Doctors. Sad I guess as this is now New Years, but life carries a deeper meaning and the Way is showing me a path to tread.
I will purchase that book tomorrow, which is day 19. My thanks to friends posting on this website, would not have got this far alone
Sorry she's in pain
But thanks for doing the handholding. Keep it up. Daily bonding behaviors have POWER. And they don't have to be for long either.
Did you read the husband's remarks at the end of this article?
http://www.reuniting.info/lazy_way_to_stay_in_love
2010 could be really good!!!
*big hug*
just remember too
just remember too, EVERYDAY it is becoming EASIER and EASIER to NOT masturbate or watch porn too. Until eventually, it will become second nature. And how much energy you have to focus on dreams that this orgasm hangover may have killed. We are actually extremely luck I think, most people are not even aware of this hangover from orgasm. An amazing oppurtunity. I am with you for the last few days.
Take Care.
Day 20
and thanks for the encouragement Cupid- lost track of what day you are on ? Reggie i think is on board, with a bit of catching up to do ?
Beginning to feel a bit more zest for life, but a long way from my heroes:
"Sweeping the path and fetching water- how wondrous !"
How is you Zen reading going?
yeah today is day 8 for me,
yeah today is day 8 for me, i think. it is wrote down in my journal. i have not started reading the zen collection yet. so, do you have any thoughts on the Ego? interested to know the different views out there. i may have swapped messages with reggie i cannot remember. anyway, best of luck to the end mate.
As it so happens...
I did have some thoughts about the ego...but they're relevant to a particular spiritual book:
http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/sex_and_ego_a_course_in_miracles
thanks marnia
thanks marnia
I just purchased an
I just purchased an introduction to Zen book and also a book by Thich Nah Han called Miracles of Mindfulness. What are the main concepts of Zen then and what advice do they give on being present, how to achieve it? I have the book so no worries if you get no time to reply back.
Something that helps me the most with looking at women who look gorgeous to me, is quickly developing Equanimity on the situation. It is Buddhist. It helps develop love for them rather than lust. And is easy to do.
I am interested in personal growth right now, now I have given up for the time being and maybe into the future all intoxicants, including ciggarrettes and alcohol. So for me to be happy I am changing things. I am exploring the effects dissovling you ego has, and the more I expereince states of mind when I am not thinking about myself, the deeper the peace I feel, so for now this is working for me.
How can I access the Katha Upanishad by the way? What day number are you on now then?
Zen
You should be able to buy the shortened version of the Upanishads as a penguin classic, but need to make sure it has the Katha in it.
D.T Suzuki introduced Zen to the West and you really can't go wrong with his introductory books, all short but very clear and precise.
Living truly and wholeheartedly in the present is common to the main schools of Soto and Rinzai Zen
You sound as if you're doing pretty well- I have probably 'objectified' women for too long and its a long road back for me. To live truly without ego, pride or being 'opinionated' is true progress indeed- i will be interested in hearing how you manage to sustain it!
Trusting
in that message Marnia, and the natural pace and flow of the river vis a vis lasting change.
This journey is necessary in order to take the longer journey of my spiritual path, perhaps the two are one and it is part of those two 'voices' within me being reconciled. That's about as positive as I can get at the moment, but hey, who said any path of true progress was meant to be easy?
Zen flesh Zen bones, the body has to be re-worked as a container for the Universal Self, rather than for my selfish gratification- if they have to be broken (metaphorically) in the process, then that's life and the fate accompanying being fully Human. Don't wish to be mournful for other 'journeyers' , but is where I am at, at the moment
I hear you...
Not long ago, someone commented on the need to grieve the loss of one's "porn comfort blanket." Seems to be a natural part of the reorientation. See: http://www.reuniting.info/node/2886
And yes, I think it IS possible to bring both sides of your nature into harmony. Amazingly, we don't feel like we've "sacrificed" anything...even though if we were still hooked on orgasm we'd find that idea insane!
The shift occurs gradually, from within, in part because the harmony gets more and more delicious. This has to be experienced...and it simply cannot be experienced until the brain's reward circuitry returns to equilibrium.
Loud and clear
absolutely nailed Marnia, reaching for that blanket when down, when high, when indifferent. On the edge of a precipice, hanging on to the old familiar ways by bare fingernails- will leap when the true voice shouts from within but patience and endurance in the meantime...
Day 2
DAY TWO - SUCCESS
Day 2 then was yesterday, I will be posting a day after because through experience, I am not entirely successful until I have woken up the next day. Yesterday was a SUCCESS. I left my laptop DOWNSTAIRS last night just to make sure nothing happened upstairs in my bedroom. Today, I have been peaceful for a lot of the day, although dull at times, when I say peaceful I simply mean I have not suffered much, I have not exactly been overjoyed with happiness either. Through experience I know these days are easy, I have had very little urges today, I do not feel much of a desire at all to watch pornography or masturbate. I will find out tomorrow whether tonight was a success or not.