OK, I have to get this off my chest because of something that just happened. I'll let what happened just a few minutes ago go, except to say that someone completely inadvertantly and innocently triggered me into a huge reaction that hopefully telling about this will help to stop in the future (my reaction that is). Anything that reminds me of what I am about to tell you triggers intense self-protective reactions in me that I cannot control. I have never told what follows to another living soul.
PORN TRIGGER ALERT:
Anyway, one time when I was about 13 years old, my mother went away for the day with a friend of hers from up the street. For some reason that I cannot remember, the neighbor's husband was also away, and their 10 year-old son was staying at our house, and my father was baby-sitting him. A neighbor girl that I was friends with from school came over and asked if I could go mess around the neighborhood with her, and my father said "yes, but be home by the time the street lights come on." So my friend and I went out to play. I don't know how many hours we were gone, but all of a sudden, I glanced up and the street lights were coming on. I ran home as fast as I could, but I wasn't fast enough, and the streetlights were already on when I got in the door. When I got home, my father was furious. He said "I told you to be home by the time the streetlights were on" and I said something like "but they havent been on that long...they just came on" and he said "it doesn't matter". Now, all this time, the neighbor's 10 year old some was standing there. Then my father said, "take off your underpants". The neighbor;s son was still there. I sort of stood there and couldn;t move, I couldnt believe what was happening, couldn't believe it was real. and my father said, "take off your underpants". so I took off my underpants. i was hoping that he would just stop if I took them off, so I took them off. The neighbors son was still there. Then my father said, "come here" but I couldn't move. Then he said "I said come here". He stood up and took off his belt. I made myself start to walk over to him. I still couldn;t believe waht was happening and the neighbors son was still there. When I got fairly close to my father, he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me over his lap, pulled up my skirt and beat me on my bare buttocks in front of the neighbor;s son. I screamed and begged but he beat me anyway, and the neighbors son saw the whole thing. I dont remember anything after that.
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{{{Sapphire}}}
Please accept my warmest, friendliest hug.
Blessings.
I accept, Janitor, with
I accept, Janitor, with thanks :)
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
post script to my blog entry
It never even occured to me to try and run away from my father when he told me to take off my underpants. I remember I was thinking that maybe if I obeyed him that he might show me some mercy. But he didn't.
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
Saphire....
Living well is indeed the best revenge! * big hug *
Hey Sapphire,
its not real anymore. Its now only a memory. I have to tell myself this, because as I read your story I feel a feeling of horror, dismay, shock, and numbness. So I can only wish you well. I was belted only once, and it was not so sexual as what you endured. But everything about your story strikes straight to my heart. And I can still recall the feeling of the metal clip of the belt against my bare thighs. It hurt an awful lot.
Thanks, guys *hugs*
Its not that what happened was so physically painful, because I got beat by my father and mother on the bare butt all the time...such was standard proceedure for any perceived misdeed at our house (along with face slappings, head knockings and hair pullings)...it was that the neighbor's son was there and saw the whole thing. The shame and humilation of being beaten on the bare butt in private are bad enough (that is the reason for baring a child's bottom in punishment after all...to shame and humiliate him/her, not to mention that that practice sexualizes the punishment as well), but the fact that my humilation was witnessed by another person launched that time up into the stratosphere for me.
I also think that this is why Karezza is the answer to my prayers. I love intercourse, and yet the only way I can bear sexualized touch is to freeze my heart. In other words, in order to respond to sexual touch so that I can have sex and not reject a man, I have to freeze my heart. My body can only respond if my heart is frozen. But with Karezza, I don't have to worry about sexualized touch. I can have the closeness of intercourse without having to freeze my heart.
So yes, its just a memory, but its a memory with "teeth". But I'm working on it :) . Just being able to tell you folks here, and have you respond with compassion is starting to heal the wound :) :) . Its starting to take the teeth out of my memories (conscious and unconscious both).
p.s. That horror, shock and numbness that you felt, River, is exactly what I feel when I think about that time. The numbness in particular is important, because if I hadn't gone numb, I might have turned into a monster. I might have become a murderer, because the numbness protected me and my family from my desire to kill my father. I mean literal patricide. I think that if I hadn't gone numb, and hadn't gotten away, that eventually I would have killed him, or killed myself to prevent myself from killing him.
And you know what? I am beginning to not care if I ever achieve anything out in the world. My "accomplishments" are internal ones. I am beginning to think that my internal "accomplishments" are just as important as anything I might or might not have done out in the world; its just that they are invisible, or lie in another realm, that's all.
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
So true
Ask for your "assignment," and you'll get one. Not only that, it'll be something you really love and are prepared to do, or learn to do - alone or with help.
Just be ready for a surprise. Look what happened to me.
The only thing that
The only thing that triggered in me was anger.
I hope your sharing of this helps you to heal.
wishing you well
Be Safe
* big hugs *
I was lucky, my childhood held no such horrors. I can't imagine...
*big hugs* Sapphire. Hope it helped to tell your story.
time_for_change
(No subject)
:(
I hope
sharing this in a safe place helps to dispel the ghosts so you never have to re-live this again.
*big hug*
It is, Marnia
Oh, it is a safe place, Marnia...truely it is! :) *hugs back*
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
Abuse
It's not hard to see how such an emotionally (as well as physically) traumatic event like that could seriously change someone's response to intimacy and trust.
I'm so glad you got through this.
P.
The numbness served a purpose at the time
Yes. People often look down on those defences, without realizing how crucial they might have been at the time. Once again, how courageous of you to have shared all of that, Sapphire.
And yes, the greatest achievements ARE internal, and I would much rather achieve self-mastery or even just to become a fully integrated, peaceful and happy person, than have become a great concert pianist (my dream as a teen) travelling the world, yet alienated from himself and, worst of all, from the truth of the Path ('Path' will mean different things to different people...but let's call it 'the way of progressively increasing wisdom or self-knowledge'.)
Yet even now, there is a sense of despair at 41, when most people are at the height of their working lives and/or working achievements, and here I am, working very much part-time as a piano teacher (a good one), but not nearly fulfilling the potentials that teen (rightfully) dreamed of.
Even so, I could go back and study some more, I have potential to get further degrees, etc...so why do I hesitate?
Because it just isn't that important anymore.
That 'despair' I feel is the ego feeling hurt and upset about lack of social status, not about lack of real achievement in life. (I'm not demonizing the ego here...I try and take good care of it, actually, awakening it gradually and gently.) Because I know damn well that I stumbled upon the real gold when I discovered the Path years ago, and that my eathly duty is to embody that to the best of my ability. (I stress again, I mean a non-sectarian striving for true wisdom here, spiritual insight, not any external religion).
I hope my sharing all of this is of some assistance, Sapphire. That was a first for me too, I have not fessed up to that before here, either. But I must admit, your courage in sharing so much is inspiring me to not be as worried about other people reading my deeper troubles...after all, we can only find others who understand how we feel if we DO share them!
:)
Thank you, River
I want to thank you, River, and apologize for taking so long to reply. Yes, your sharing has helped me...very much so. I am glad that not having the worldly success that you might have had doesn't bother you all that much anymore. In alot of ways I feel the same way about myself not having any worldly success. But what no one seems to grok is that it is not merely that my ego doesn't like it that I am not successful in a worldly way...it dangerous to be as unworldly and lacking in saleable skills as I am. The world is a dangerous place, very unforgiving and cold. And if something were to happen to my husband, I'd be up Shit Creek without a paddle...and a hole in the boat! So, long story short, yes, spiritual accomplishments are important, but so are worldly ones...if only to keep a roof over one's head while pursueing spirital accomplishments. And I'm tired of people who have had success in the world telling me that worldly success isn't all that important (I don't mean you when I say that, River).
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
Sapphire...
A warm embrace for all you've endured and all the courage it took to share this. Hoping you find your heart lighter and that more deep insights and realizations (beautiful as they are...all you've said) continue to come and set your heart free.
With Love and looking you right in your eyes.... Daffy
Thankyou everyone
I just want to say a sincere thankyou to everyone :) :) :) . I tried to submit a post just moments ago, thanking everyone, but it got dropped and it will take me awhile to re-compose it from memory. But in the meantime, I want to say thank and send every one of you kind, loving people a :) :) :) HUGE HUG :) :) :)
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
My sincerest
of best wishes go to you. You are incredibly brave to share this. I only hope to possess your honesty. A fearless self-examination we could all learn from! Thank you.
Thankyou, t4ytime
Thankyou so much, t4ytime,
Telling you guys and my husband has already helped so much. Already it is much less painful to think about...I know, 'cause I tested myself *grin*, and alot of the "sting" has gone out of the memory already. There is something about running the memory through the body, with tears and snot, that has a healing effect. I've heard of a book that has become a classic called Molecules of Emotion by Candace Pert. I have never read it, but I need to get it. The title alone tells me it would be a valuable read.
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
p.s.
If I remember a blurb about the book, Pert also says that the brain is more or less present throughout the entire body in the form of peptides and such, which are the actual "molecules of emotion". That is how the body has a memory as well as the brain. That is how traumas are stored in the body.
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
A few comments on neurochemistry and the brain
I don’t think it’s physiologically accurate to state that emotions are mirrored in neurochemistry. The situation is actually circular. Emotions affect neurochemistry, but neurochemistry also affects emotions.
It is more accurate to state that our experience (thoughts, emotions, feelings) is due to what group of neurons are activated at the moment.
Nerve impulses traveling along a group of interconnected neurons determine our experience.
As an analogy, consider your brain as New York City. Imagine one city block as a neuron, and your car driving as a nerve impulse. Think of intersections as connections (synapses) between the neurons. The stoplights at the intersections act as the neurotransmitters, determining IF and WHEN the impulse (your car) passes on to the next neuron.
The road (each city block) you drive your car on determines your experience (could be Broadway, a slum, Central Park).
At each intersection (synapse) you have a choice: right, left, straight, or stay where you are. Each choice leads to a different experience for you, just as each pathway (an impulse takes) leads to a unique emotion, thought, mood, or memory.
Neurotransmitter levels at the synapse (intersection) determine which way you will go, or if you will go at all. So if a particular neurotransmitter represents – green, right turn only – you go around and around the block and that’s your experience, those 4 city blocks.
Here’s where it gets complex, yet more accurate.
At each intersection, or synapse between neurons, there are many different neurotransmitters yelling their instructions. The instructions aren’t – happy, sad, angry, Christmas 1996, what’s for lunch?, etc. – the instructions are go this way, or don’t move.
So the path of the impulse is determined by the levels of neurotransmitters (the lights), and the experience is determined by which neurons (roads) the impulse (your car) travels upon.
So what determines the levels of certain neurotransmitters? It’s always circular.
Impulse>>>>neurotransmitters>>>>>Impulse>>>>>neurotransmitters.
Thoughts/emotions>>>> neurotransmitters>>>>Thoughts/emotions>>>> neurotransmitters
For example, you take on a drooped, rounded shoulders posture, and that leads to an instant change in brain pathways, and change in neurotransmitters…..and so.
Or - you drink a six pack of beer, which leads to a rise in certain neurotransmitters tonight, but as we know, leads to a corresponding change in neurotransmitters the next day.
The take away is that a level of a specific neurotransmitter does NOT equate to a specific emotion/feeling. However levels of neurotransmitters do lead to tendencies at the synapses. These tendencies at synapses lead impulses down certain pathways. Especially if we have traveled those pathways more often than other available pathways (habits, addictions, repetitive thoughts or reactions).
Following orgasm there is a change in neurotransmitter levels in the limbic system – the seat of emotions. This change alters the tendencies at the level of synapses. This change is often referred to as “limbic tone.” This alteration does not equate to any specific emotion, but your emotional brain and its tendencies have now changed.
An easy example to relate to is: imagine if someone just gave you a large injection of adrenaline (or if you are severely stressed and jacked on your own adrenaline). Does adrenaline lead to just one specific emotion? No. Fear, anxiety, and your heart racing could be associated with being mugged, or with skydiving. However, high adrenaline does lead to certain pathways being more likely to be taken.
Low dopamine, after orgasm, doesn’t lead to a specific emotion, but it does lead to tendencies. These tendencies have been well documented in research on those with low dopamine, and by reducing dopamine in animals and subjects. For example, low dopamine has been shown to encourage short-term thinking, despite longer-term negative consequences. This means neurochemical balance can affect our perceptions and our judgment.
Gary, that was absolutely FASCINATING
and makes me want to study more, but what I wanted to clarify is that while neurochemicals can affect the experience of consciousness, that they cannot produce consciousness. I can't speak for Sapphire, but I suspect that she was trying to make a similar point along those lines.
However thank you for that well-worded response and I'm going to reread it a few times until I fully understand it! :)
Yes, River that is it exactly
Yes, River, that is exactly the point I was trying to make, and no one will ever convince me otherwise, because I have had an experience that tells me so. This experience happened while I was at my most unbalanced; morbidly depressed and suicidal**. So, in my experience, neither having spiritual experiences nor the quality of the spiritual experiences one has is dependent upon being "balanced"...whatever that really means...what I have experienced is living proof of that.
**it was emphatically NOT a manic episode. For lack of a better term, it was a profoundly mystical experience, which I actually didn't recognize for what it was until I read William James' The Varieties of Religious Experience" almost 10 years after it happened. At the time, I didn't know what had happened to me, other than it was wonderful, like being held in the arms of God.
And yes, Gary, thankyou for the wondeful post. I am a bit of a science geek, and I love reading stuff like thatl!
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
Without neurochemicals there is no consciousness
I'm sticking with the non-metaphysical definition. Here's a pretty good psychological description of consciousness:
"Consciousness refers to your individual awareness of your unique thoughts, memories, feelings, sensations and environment. Your conscious experiences are constantly shifting and changing."
"Consciousness has been defined as awareness of awareness."
Without neurochemicals there are no nerve impulses. Without impulses the brain is dead
It may sound like nitpicking, but bear with me
Gary,
I agree with your conclusion: "This means neurochemical balance can affect our perceptions and our judgment." Yes! We are profoundly affected by context. Our thoughts and perceptions are malleable.
Where I have problems is with the word "determines" as in "Nerve impulses traveling along a group of interconnected neurons determine our experience." Do they determine or experience or reflect our experience?
An external impulse, such as the sight of a potential mate, could be the triggering event for a cascade of neurochemicals, the result of which is that I approach that person with a friendly smile on my face. It just doesn't make sense to say that the neurochemicals determined my smile, but they do reflect the emotions. I guess it depends on whether you view the mind as the originator or the brain. I just find the medical approach deterministic, leading to the excuse that I am just a product of my neurochemicals, where the reality (as shown by Reuniting) is that I can reject the product of my neurochemicals and choose a different path.
To quote my favourite rebel: I am not a neurochemical. I am a free man! :)
P.
Neurochemicals determine our experience
For example, much research has been performed on those undergoing brain surgery - the patients are wake. The experiements involve applying small electrical stimuli to different parts of the brain. Minute changes in the position of the stimulus evoke quite varying experiences and emotions for the patient: rage, to crying, to laughing, to smells, to feeling someone tickling their toes, to various memories.
In your description you are putting forth the basics of a reflex arc:
1) Stimuli (sensory nerons) >>> 2)Brain (interneurons) >>> 3) Motor neurons (to muscles) 1-(sight of potential mate) 2- (billions of neurons making decison) 3- (action/response)
I do see the brain and the mind as the same. If you carve out a peice of the brain, and the "mind" is affected. Have a mental condition - autism, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, addiction - and the mind is affected.
Keep in mind......there is no clear cut definition of mind.
Without neurochemicals there is no functioning of the brain. To put it simply, one cannot undergo decapitation and still function well.
Of Course You're Right
Gary,
At the mechanical level, of course you're right. All sensory input is mediated by the brain. There is no other organ that could do it. The mind is clearly in the brain. Where else could it be? The problem with the mechanical model is that it leads to the wrong conclusions. In the 60's, psychiatrists tried to cure mind problems (e.g. personality problems) with mechanical solutions (e.g. shocks, injections, etc.) It just didn't work.
Do you maintain that if you got the right shot of the right neurotransmitter injected in the right place, you could cure porn addiction?
From the point of view of working with humans, you get better results if your model has the brain working for the mind, not the other way round. This isn't metaphysics. This is pragmatism. You cure addictions by working with the mind and leaving the neurochemicals to sort themselves out.
P.
Duality?
AS stated I am being materialistic, with no apologies.
MY main thrust in this entire thread is that as long as you are inhabiting a body, you cannot separate yourself from the workings of the brain. That's all.
I think those writing on this thread are trying to emphasize that we are more than our brains. However, I'm not arguing that we are only our brains. I am stating that as long as you are alive, in this body/mind you must deal with your brain, and all that entails.
Since we inhabit a body and a brain we cannot supersede their physiological nature.
I have yet to meet any human that can choose and control all their thoughts or emotions, or control all aspects of their body. Every "enlightened guru" I know of ages and dies (yes, I have heard stories of enlightened beings who live forever, and do not age - but they are stories to me).
Being in a body, we must urinate, defecate, sleep, eat, drink water. When you get sick, the body demands rest. When you break a leg, it loudly says stay off of it. We are in a physical dimension, and must deal with the materialistic nature of our unique anatomy and physiology. That includes our brain.
It is true, we can affect both the brain and body through our actions, choices, beleifs and thoughts. Yet, we cannot control either. That too is my point.
The brain is an organ, with cells, chemical messengers, receptors, and rules it must follow. To state that the brain is somehow different from the rest of the body is to imply a duality. This is the old model of the brain being separate from the body and that the brain is somehow unique.
Most scientists do not see the brain and mind as separate, because of the questions it begs: Where then is the mind, if not in the brain? What function of the mind is not completely dependent on the brain? If i damage the brain, why do a I lose certain functions - as this wouldn't happen if the the mind was indeed separate from the brain?
As an organ, the brain, like the all organs in body, reflects its genetic makeup and the environmental conditions it's been exposed to since the point of fertilization. All that we have experienced affects the brain.
Every experience leads to - alterations in neurotransmitters & receptor density; changes in strength of synapses; losing or gaining connections; pathways formed or lost; and even genetic changes.
Child abuse, traumas, drugs, addictions, etc. all leave their imprint, by physically changing the brain.
Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? Or 2 weeks ago? Or yesterday?
No. Your body has changed, and your brain has changed - to a far greater degree.
We all have to deal with our unique anatomy and physiology.
Another concept arose on this thread: that our brains may be like antennae - perhaps functioning as receivers of consciousness? That may be the case. But just like any TV receiving a signal, the picture and sound are dependent on the inner workings of the TV. Is it a 1958 black and white TV with a few transitors missing, or brand new big screen, HD TV, with not a speck of dust on its circuits?
If our brains do in fact function through receiving streams of higher consciousness, wouldn't the signal be pure - like fiber-optic cable? Wouldn't God, or whatever, be sending a fantastically clear message? A continous message of love, joy, wonderous ideas, and inspiration? I suspect he/she would. If our brains are nothing more than receivers, then why is humanity such a mess? Maybe there's something askew with our brains.
I suspect everyone on this planet could use a TV repairman.
Candace Pert - molecules of emotion
I think some points that candace Pert was trying to make are:
1) The same neurotransmitters are present in the brain and in the body
2) Our thoughts and emotions, through changes in neurochemicals/hormones, affect the body
3) Our body's physiology, by secreting hormones/neurotransmitters, affect the brain.
There is no such thing as X neurochemical = Y emotion
So it's the basic body/mind stuff - there is no separation. It's a 2 way street of communication betwen the brain and cells in the body (hormones).
For example, when one is sick, symptoms such as nausea, fever, aches & pains, lethargy, sleepiness, are not coming from the infectious organism. These a symptoms are caused by chemical messengers, released from immune cells, that act on the brain.
On the other hand, stress increases cortisol which can depress the immune sytem, and turn off inflammation.
However, I do not think that memories are stored in the body, I see them as being stored in the central nervous system. On the other hand, the arguement against my assertion is that we have bundles of interconnected neurons in the heart, digestive system, and around abdominal organs.
I am a massage therapist (and teach massage), and a common model in bodywork is that memories are stored in the muscle and surrounding fascia. It's not uncommon for clients to have emotional responses when treating muscles and fascia. But I see the emotional response arising from the corresponding map in the brain being turned on.
There are interesting examples given to support memories in the body tissues. Such as- heart transplant recipients experiencing intrusive feelings or thoughts from the experiences of the donor. However, the heart has massive amount of nerve cells, with complex connections to the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve transmits a massive amount of info into the limbic system. Similarly, the digestive system contains a complex gut brain that may store information. And yet for that information to be experienced it must be relayed to the central nervous system.
I guess memories could be stored in the local nervous systems of the gut and heart, but we will only experience body stuff if the nerve impulses make it to the brain, and activate their corresponding brain maps.
For me,
the most interesting thing is not "Where is the mind?" but rather "How can we keep the physical aspects of ourselves (including imbalances in the brain) from distorting a clear connection with the Divine?" I think that is mankind's big challenge while we're trotting around in bodies.
One of my favorite books explains that we have two channels we can listen to: "ego" and "spirit." What intrigues me is how karezza, meditation, and various other practices can calm our neurochemistry, making it easier to hear the "spirit" channel. And how intense stimulation can make the "ego" channel REALLY loud, while the brain is returning to homeostasis (assuming it is allowed to).
I started out as a skeptic, but I've watched this process over and over. In a way it's empowering to realize that we have so much "say" over our reception capacity and clarity.
The book also suggests that "spirit's voice is as loud as our willingness to listen." By keeping our neurochemistry bouncing on this planet, with so much overstimulation (not just sexual), we are making an unconscious choice to impair our "hearing."
The really exciting thing is to see how even severe challenges improve radically simply with bonding behaviors (of course, any kind of sincere support helps), laying off orgasm for a time, new insights, and time.
A lot of the desire to process, for me, was simply angst from being post-orgasmic. It amounted to rooting around in the garbage endlessly, with very little to show for it. The healing insights always came from outside the garbage bin...as, for example, by asking for help or insight and being open to new perspectives.
A quick comment
Busy with parenting duties, but this brief comment will have to do, until I have more time with which to digest the various arguments in this fascinating blog.
This morning I sat for meditation. Against my will, mind you - my neurochemicals were pushing me to do something else. Anyway, it gets more interesting. As I sat I had the same problems I have been having for the last week or so, which is too much worry in the mind, thus an inability to just be present with what is, thus frustration at not having my usual peaceful experience with the breath...this was not fun. So I tried a different approach. Firstly, I accepted that the mind is just where it is at these days, it's a bit of a mess and I may as well stop fighting that and just be patient with it. It calmed down a bit immediately when there was increased acceptance of the 'mess' ; not resisting, just witnessing. But I still could not just 'be with the breath', so much turmoil and pain. So I searched for my sense of self. This is usually linked to where my awareness is located in the present moment. Like the edge of a blade, I searched for the 'edge' of my awareness, where does it lie? And I noted how awareness moved constantly from one sense impression to the next, from one thought to the next...on and on in an endless stream. Then began the questioning : am I this sensation? No...Am I this thought? No...Am I mindfulness? No (because mindfulness also comes and goes)...in the process of not identifying with ANYTHING in the scope of my conscious awareness, I was able to again take a look at that pain from earlier...it was still there, so I allowed myself to feel it fully, and asked, AM I THIS PAIN, THIS ANGST? And I could perceive that I was not, that it was 'just emotion'.
So what was the end result? Well the pain is gone, I can tell you. Because although no doubt I had low dopamine levels (I probably still have, but I don't care anymore), I was able to feel and know for myself that I am not my states of mind. In fact at the end of the meditation, I deliberately recalled many of my 'favourite porn images', the ones I can 'never resist'...well...same story - I felt and perceived that the desire I felt for them was 'not self'. And if it's not I or mine, I don't need to act on it, or even worry about it. There is desire, yes, but the compulsion is gone...
This is one way in which a 'rotten' day can be transformed into a 'good' one. And I don't think all of the above would be possible if my consciousness was simply the 'product' of a living brain. As I just experienced, I am not my body, I am not my thoughts, in fact I cannot pin down exactly what 'I am' at all...
Can we please...???
Have a GROUP HUG?
Marnia? I love you. (Tell Gary that I love him too, even though I don't know him and all, ok?)
Sapphire? I love you.
River? I love's YOU.
Reggie - Hi there. Love you, my friend. Big Hug
Poet - BIG HUG! SMILES, LOVE YA.
TimeForChange - HIEEEE, Love you, Bro!! BIG HUG.
AC - Where ya at, now??? HUH? Much love, HUGS!
Janitor - HI !! HUGS! HIGH FIVE! MUCH LOVE
James - ? Don't worry, everything is going to be fine. LOVE, HUG and James you can help me tap with all this negative energy going on ok? And James? Love ya brother. BIG HUG
AND....
I want everyone here to think of 10 things they are thankful for! RIGHT NOW. OK?
I love all of you, and I'm tapping... and I want to say thank you to everyone for being here.
Did I say I love you all?
DAFFY. In My Humble Opinion, we all need to do a LOT LESS talking and arguing than we do hugging. GOT it? And I'm talking to myselfl too.
Daffy
Im feeling sad about all this
And I wish to gently remind both daffy and sapphire, that words spoken in the heat of the moment (or words written in the heat of the moment) can then lead to more harsh words that would ordinarily not have been spoken.
I'm not stupid enough to try and tell either of you what to do. I just wish you both well.
what is a chela
Hi, AC...what is a chela?
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
Chela
A religious student or disciple
My studies at this site have changed my life and I am deeply grateful to Marnia, Gary, and the many contributors here. I find Marnia's posts loving, supportive, and sometimes humorous.
I have yet to study the exchanges in this thread
whose chela do you see me as?
Whose chela do you see me as? In your eyes, to whom am I a religious student or disiple?
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
Hmmm
Not something I've considered
I, of course, am referring to myself as a chela.....of Aphrodite, at first....to the exclusion of clear vision in other areas of my life.
I see you as following the path of the Wounded Healer (Joseph Campbell has written about this). I also see the intelligence and discernment of Artemis, and the fierceness of Kali....but most clearly that dark pursuit inward that will ultimatley bring light to us all.
Thanks, AC
Thanks, AC...yes, Chiron. And yes, a dark pursuit inward...that's a very good way to put it. I once dreamed of facing "Satan" (the dark Divine) in front of an altar (which was on my left) made of white marble in a huge church that I knew was underground. The church was all decorated in red and black, but also with lots of gold, like golden columns and golden pews, and gilded molding on the walls, etc. I stood facing "Satan" who was challenging me to look at Him** squarely in the eye, but I did not do that, because He was infinitely more powerful than I am, and to do so would be an act of hubris. I knew that if I looked him squarely in the eye, I would be annihilated, but I also wanted to get a look at Him, so I looked at Him out of the corner of my left eye, but kept my head down and turned to the right. The thing is, although this was "Satan" in front of me, I was not afraid. There was absolutely NO feeling of evil coming from Him, only a sense of immense power, plus the feeling that He was of the utmost Divinity.
I'm not sure why I am telling this dream, except it seemed appropriate to the subject of a dark pursuit inward.
**just for the record, I am NOT capitalizing "Him" because I am some sort of Satanist!
Living well is the best revenge *evil grin*
Chiron is good
Check out "Memnoch the Devil" by Anne Rice