no-touch vs. touch

Submitted by Halo on
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From my last experiment, I realized that I'd need a new strategy. Last "run" I went for about 19 days, but I masturbated (w/o orgasm); I stimulated myself every day. It didn't work.

I found that I was over-excited a lot of the time - and I always pushed the edge, getting close to orgasm. Not good.

As well, for me, self-stimulation is absolutely connected with pornagraphic imagery. If I masturbate, there they are - the moving pictures.

Yesterday I tried no masturbation. I thought this would be harder than it was. It was actually easier than masturbating to the point of almost orgasming. I find that porno images cannot "live" in my head for long when I'm not stimulating myselfy physically.

Now this may seem like basic common sense, but for me, it's an important discovery. Very important. It points the way forward.

A note: it's sooo hard here. There's a zillion beautiful young women around, all looking for a foriegn boyfriend. But it's hard to find the kind of quality intimacy that I want.

Comments

Yep,

When things get "associated" in the brain, it means they're wired together, literally, by strong synaptic connections, which form for the purpose. So with p/m/o each can be a cue for the others...until the brain un-wires them. Cues are surprisingly powerful for the addicted, so your experience is not unusual.

As for those girls, you can still flirt! smiley

Stimulation

Hi Halo,

Glad you've had some insight, I think in this recovery we all have to arrive at the insights independently, however much we try to share out experiences.

I too found the same as you, and eventually I had to stop even thinking about anything sexual to sustain the abstinence.

Good luck on the path,
time_for_change

m78 Great post halo. I have

m78

Great post halo. I have not orgasmed for 7 days but I enjoy moderate stimulation without orgasm and the occassional erotic image.

My rules for this practice which a practice of cultivating and using sexual energy in the body:

1. Self-stimulate slowly and never cross the point of no return (it helps if you never go over a 7 or 8 on the pleasure scale); I find that 7 or 8 is still really really nice;

2. If you self-stimulate slowly it allows one to really focus on the sensation rather than one's fantasy life in the brain;

3. Never self-stimulate while looking at erotic images. If you look at erotic images do that only (look but do not touch); if you want to self-pleasure, only do that and nothing else;

4. Also, fantasies are normal and good; we all have them because we all yearn for the divine, that yearning for perfection and absolute happiness in our world; one famous writer (Thomas Moore in "The Soul of Sex") commented that it is spiritually people who tend to have the most interest in pornography; Why? Because Pornography and Religion tend to deal with the same issue -- unionness and bliss and joy; some pychologist (sic) think it is a better practice to make peace with our shadow side those fantasies that we are shameful about so that this shadow because more integrated into our total person; once this is done, the shame normally ends;

5. As I continue with my practice, I will at times skip self-pleasuring for a few days or so; on those days I choose other things to do that can be equally pleasurable: wine, sex with spouse, exercise, reading, writing, etc.

6. I find that stimulating my prostate gland a few times a week with a vibrator has the effect of really calming my sexual energy down; it is a type of message that I find is very helpful in one's general welbeing. Because of our busy lives, its is not always possible to have our wives or girlfriends do this for us;

7. I try to be open about my deep desires to those close in our lives; no need to hide our freaky selves because everyone has it too;

Finally these are the two most important principles for me to remember:

1. In this world, we are all sexually unsatisfied. No matter how loving our lovers are or no matter how much time or money we have, we are all sexually unsatisfied at times; right? but the frustration is good because it leads to greater creativity and joy because we are forced to make peace with it all and use that energy in other ways;

2. Moderation is everything. Self-stimulate for a few days, then take a day off.
kazazza with lover than take a day off;

Let me know what you think about these rules. Understand that I am writing from the perspective a married person (10 years and 4 kids); I have a very busy life so I have to make due with the time and the solitude that I have;

But, if I were single and was looking for a mate, the rules above would change. I would do those practices that really increase my testostone -- I would probably learn to not self-stimulate or look at erotice images so that my testosterone would go through the roof and I would be forced to get out to bars and clubs and really find woman to partner with; it is much easier to do this after a period of no sexually stimulation, no orgasm, no porn because a person's power and presence is at a all time high; and, it forces you to find a woman to help you satisfy this hunger;

since I am not in the field, I don't need to polarize myself too too much;

let me know what you think; I hope I wasn't too preachy.

I fully understand that everyone is different. We all have to find our own way.

Wow, thanks for that!

Hi Michael,

Thanks for the great input. I like your balanced point of view... I don't want to fall into feeling like I'm repressing my sexuality, nor even re-directing or sublimating it too much. I want a balanced sexuality; but I'm not quite sure what that's going to feel like.

Interestingly when I masturbate slowly (as you reccomend), my mind often switches from erotic imagery to a wonderfully creative mindset where ideas about my life-projects are abundent. I get insights about all sorts of things. I love this time, and I don't want to give it up! Do you find the same thing?

I love the idea of the prostate massage... I can see how this might be very calming. I'll try it, thanks.

Right now, I don't have a porn problem. I don't have a net-hookup, and that makes things much easier! It's the images that I create while self-stimulating that tend to be the problem.

The good news is that these images seem to be getting "nicer." Instead of objectified images, I imagine myself having more romantic sexual experiences... more kissing, slower. It's nice. And the switch to body sensations becomes much easier, much more natural.

I feel like I'm breaking the addiction to explicit images. I'll follow the rule "never stimulate to erotic images" - I have plenty in my head if I want them!

Making peace with the shadow side. Yes... we must do this. I've been given so many opportunities to live out my shadow side in life, and for the most part I haven't done it. But I always strive to be aware of it. It's an interesting balancing game. A good topic for dialouge.

I'm really interested in taking pleasure from the world and our senses. Stopping masturbation and orgasm seems to increase this. The other day I was noticing the bouginvillia (a flower) just after sunset. The colour was so rich and deep that I felt like I was actually eating it, and being nourished in some deep way. Had any similar experiences?

Finally, I am single, and I do want to attract a partner. I don't know if I'll need to "polorize" myself much though! These practices are powerful!

Again, thanks for the thoughtful response, let's talk more smiley

m78 Halo, I enjoyed reading

m78

Halo, I enjoyed reading your response. Just a few things came to mind when I read your awesome post again.

With the prostate message, I impose one rule on myself and that is that I will not stimulate my penis while doing the prostate message. For starters, the prostate work is enjoyable enough; secondly, stimulating the penis and prostate at the same time would most definitely led to an ejaculatory orgasm in a very very short period of time. Also, be prepared to experience some discharge from the penis during this exercise. The discharge most resembles clear liquid, but it may contain semen. I think the liquid is what we all used to call pre-cum; not the thick stuff that comes out in a regular ejaculation. Finally, while message the prostate, you may feel the ejaculatory reflex at times. I think this is harmless. You won't be orgasming because you won't be super aroused, but you may feel in your penis the way you feel when you ejaculate. That ejaculatory muscle may go up and down a few times as your continue to message the prostate. After your done with the exercise and have gone on to other activities, I think you may feel very calm in the sexual area.

Also, I didn't mention that I find it very beneficial to do Kegel exercises everyday in order to really strenghten the sex muscles. While having strong pelvic floor muscles is good for one's overall health, it is very important to cultivating and control one's sexual energy. Messaging the prostate is a good practice that balances the kegel exercises.

This is the 8th day of abstinence from orgasm. It is my third day of no penis stimulation or no looking at anything erotic. My testocerone (sic) is through the roof. I am probably certifiably insane. I have no fear of any person and I have so much "little boy" energy that I don't know what to do with it. Because my wife and I have been very busy the last few days doing other things, I have not done any of the bonding activities other than a few embraces. When I spoke last about polarization, this is the feeling that I meant. The feeling of high testoserone, no fear, no shame; I feel that I could walk any place, approach any woman and say almost anything and have what I say be successful. I might be able to orgasm in my eyes if I were to even glimpse at a woman's neck or hair. It is crazy but so very enjoyable.

If I were single, this is how I would counsel people on how to attract a partner. It has little to do with the art of pickup and more with the smell of testoserone. I think women are naturally attracted to this.

It is a lot of fun.

As for experiences, it is raining hard where I am today and quite mild (50s or so). It felt so good in the rain that I almost took off my clothes and went streaking. And it is winter!!! Who loves the rain in winter!!

One thing that I am unsure about: if tonight or tomorrow I stimulate myself, will I lose the feeling that I feel right now. This is the question. When to sublimate? When not too? What is the effect of a little self-pleasuring on our abilities to continue to feel as we do now? Maybe, it won't have an effect at all, but I think it might? Does the feeling after a little kazazza feel different than after a little self-pleasuring? Why? How can we make it more similar?

Does refusing to live overtly sexual allow us to enjoy so many other things?

Thanks

I'm sure your post will be put to good use by members and lurkers. It shows the kinds of insights that can lead to balance...once we begin to find our own way through experimentation.