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Letting go of your goal-pleasure-gain when doing the not-doing required for effective bonding behaviors
It makes sense that for bonding behaviors to work properly they need to be selfless and non-goal orientated. This can be a challenge that needs to be transcended for the mind that constantly seeks pleasure-gain through touch or sexual excitement.
I found that since my girlfriend was on her period, and sex was totally out of the question for us, it helped with bonding behaviors, perhaps due to the finality of the decision that there will be no sex and I was more able to convert to the mindset of touch with no goal or gain involved, which, for me seems to be the lingering habitual juice I get from stimulation, especially related to my lower regions.
Selfishness also plays a part, both in a positive and negative way. The positive being cravingness for stimulation on my part and the negative aspect being the type of "man" I think my girl needs in intimacy which may be an unrealistic self projection (i.e. the non-stop potent bull of a man that can please no matter what). Both aspects seem to be laced with desire and pride that can be investigated and transcended in order to feel safe and secure without programs running that spawn fear, guilt and other performance related anxieties.
I found that a more deeper, satisfying calm was able to be touched, even if so lightly in these first stages, where the focus (with sex being out of the picture) was more diffuse and spread amongst both of us, just being very present, in the moment and with expanded awareness, at first bodily awareness while being still. No body part was more important than the other because there was no mental wantingness on a specific body part to derive pleasure from.
It was as if the mind was okay with that for the moment and felt safe not having to "achieve" anything. For a male who has any performance anxiety lingering this is a great way to gradually let go of any fear and at the same time progressively develop safe feelings of security which promote the intimacy and proper mindset with the concordant neurochemicals for bonding to occur.
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Comments
Thanks for your
candid input. I know I've mentioned this before, but we went through the same learning curve. Even karezza every night was a problem, because our nervous systems got very goal-oriented during sex (the goal wasn't orgasm but it was fairly vigorous sex that left us pretty heated up...and craving more). We finally realized we felt *less* satisfied than when we made sure we had nights of "just bonding behaviors" in between intercourse nights.
This seemed to remind our nervous systems of all the things you're talking about: performance isn't necessary to feel good, mutual generosity has its own rewards, etc. It seemed to keep us in balance, so we weren't so "hungry," or feeling that we needed constant sexual stimulation.
Daily "still" intercourse?
About 6 months ago, you mentioned (http://www.reuniting.info/node/2419#comment-9897) that you were trying daily still intercourse. How did that work out?
There were some
very nice things about it. We've gradually drifted away from it, in part because we really enjoy other bonding behaviors just as much. I would recommend it to anyone, though. It's so relaxed that it doesn't seem to kick you into "performance mode."
It seems to be a paradox
that perhaps what we all are seeking is to become one, connect, bond or merge via Love, it seems that many of us have mapped the incorrect track to getting there, which for many is performance based, goal driven intercourse until orgasm. Who would have known until trying karezza that the true union intention while at first glance seems like it happens via procreative driven intercourse, but there is this whole world of gentle bonding behaviors that seems to get you to where you really want to go. I say this because at least for me the bonding behaviors and gentleness of them is what starts emerging loving feelings, like you are falling in love or really want to "be" with that person. Not in a cravingness sexual sense, but in a bonding sense which seems to come out of nowhere, in fact out of stillness, not stimulation. And, then, when there is this lovingness feeling before any cravingness, it seems to set any cravingness that may come later in its proper place, and makes it free of guilt and other negative emotions which when driven solely from desire feels like the person is just an object one is using to get a quick high from. No fault of our own, perhaps just part of evolution, including Spiritual evolution. Heck, I recall reading that humans did not even know for a long time that sex was required for procreation.
Yes, there is
a playfulness, or child-like wonder, that starts to enter the process. It doesn't sound that appealing, compared to the high of heating up to a few seconds of explosive oblivion, but the fun of feeling that flirty energy continue throughout the day kinda grows on ya. Also, I really like waking up in the same mood as I fall asleep.
Yes, I agree the balance is
great and that in itself may be worth it once you have the proof of why you were out of balance. Perhaps as a side effect of that are the perception shifts for the better. I can't speak from an existing relationship, but the new one I have started using heavy bonding behaviors has definitely brought us closer together and I am noticing perception shifts for the better. Stuff that may have irritated me when off balance becomes acceptable and perhaps even cute, if that is the right word. Or, another way to put it is you feel very bonded to the person, almost like a loyal lovingness with more genuine caring which can transcend lower energies such as resentment, anger and aversion which dissolve and even become very acceptable. Like I read in another book even the persons pock marks can become attractive when you are falling in love.