Dealing with Relapse

OK I just got out of a very cold shower. Lets just say it sucks lol. It is motivation enough to keep away from a relapse to not have to do that too often. I was in complete control when I got home but I decided to take the cold shower anyway. I need all the help and strategy I can get right now. Feeling good today. I felt good when I got to work had lots of energy. I think the cold shower helped with that. Got a little depressed for a bit but it passed. I am planning on setting my alarm to 3:00 am cause I keep waking up to the worst of my sleep/dream orgasm or what ever you want to call it at about 3:30 every night this week. I will read some till about 4 and then go back to sleep see how that works. I am willing to try just about anything right now.

Feeling good right now. I think I am slowly getting back in control of my body. I hope the cold water helps. Oh yeah I got a bad headache today for a couple hours one of those where you can barely hold your eyes open. Feel good now no headache I hope it stays that way.

OK. I was up before the alarm clock went off by more than an hour. decided to just stay up. I started reading. Well at about 3 I felt a change in my body. Whether it was caused by my anticipation or what has been going on during this time of the night for a long time now I do not know for sure. What I do know is that the surge started to effect me. (I am going to try to be more mild in my speech). My body reacted and started to react more the closer I got to 3:30. Well by the time I made it to 3:30 I could no longer focus enough to read. What ever was going on in my body was strong. I did develope shakes and tremors that I could not control. Only lasted a few minutes but I was just barely in control. Urges and cravings were at a 10+. I did manage to resit it though. Images tried to appear in my head. A few made it through and went for a few seconds before I could stop them. Old porn vid images trying to play out in my head. It was hard to stop them. I managed to get through this and my body calmed I think sometime close to 4. I was able to start reading again. No fluid or anything at this point. Well I guess while reading I fell asleep. Did one of those not feeling sleepy really moments then waking up later things. I could only have been asleep for a short time. I woke at about 4:15 so not long at all. I woke from a dream that was not sexual in nature at all. Was about a family member being bitten by a snake actually. Was very very vivid though. I mean I can still see the image of the snake in my head it is a very clear image. So I do not think there was any sexual dream in there. I still woke up and at that point I was aroused and fluid was starting. It flowed fairly heavy for 5 minutes at least. I was not feeding the reaction with images or masturbation. It was strong and the feelings where strong but I was able to resist acting on them this time. Not like the last 4 nights. Those nights I lost control and ended up masturbating the first 2 nights till orgasm and ejaculation. I think my plan worked for the most part. I know I was already getting some control back. Planning for it this time though I think really helped. I started with the cold shower which kept me from feeding that sexual energy of coming home and being alone that triggers me. So that helped keep my sexual energy in check a bit. Also planning on being awake during that critical time where my body surges helped a lot I believe. It was interesting to feel that surge building and not interacting with it. Just feeling it what ever it is. I guess it is a testosterone surge. Anyone have any other ideas ?
It is just form what I have read it surges in the morning hours. Still some light fluid and feelings and cravings even now over an hour later. They are manageable though unlike the last 4 days. I hope I can get this under control today. Well I guess I have been in OK control the last couple of days. I was able to keep from masturbating to orgasm the last 2 days and not today will make 3 if I can make it through the day which I feel I will. Can not let my guard down. So I will count this as day 3 cause I did not let myself masturbate to orgasm the last 2 days. I think that kind of resistance is as good if not even better than not doing anything at all. Resisting always counts as far as I can tell.

I just hope the withdrawals are mild today. I can handle some well I can handle it all I would just like to make it through day without that crap though.

Hope everyone is having or has a great day
Be Safe

Well I guess I did not avoid it. I just woke up with my body surging. It made it to the point where I thought I was going to ejaculate without touching myself. I feel that dull ache in my head. I got to orgasm so so close it really does not matter. this just sucks. How the @#@# do I get this turned back off. I can not let the frustration take control. Not masturbated yet but the cravings are again 10+

I looking back to the start of that 45+ day of not masturbating to orgasm before all this start. I can see that I went weeks in this state. So I guess I need to be patient with myself. I was just hoping it would not take so long. Waking up those pathways I put down over 25 years is not going to be easy to just turn back off after 45 or so days. I need to get that through my head. As long I as I can go without masturbating though that will be the key. keeping it to masturbation and no orgasm is the first step. Now I have been over 24 hours without masturbating. I need to keep that intact to weaken that path again. these surges are just going to take time to calm down. I just hope it is not weeks this time.

The whole process has been going on for over 7 hours now with fluid flowing almost non stop for that time. I have fallen into states where it feels like I am just having orgasm after orgasm. I read back through my blog and I have been in this state before for this long and longer. I knew that I just needed to go back and read. well I broke down and did masturbate some. everything is just nuts the past 5 days. Today has just been insane since 4 this morning. Not sure when this will stop. From reading my bog it does stop after a time even if I do masturbate some. I did not ejaculate during those times. orgasms happened but no ejaculation. I need to hold that off some how. If I can it should stop at some point I hope. Just trying to deal with it as best I can right now. again my favorite phrase this just sucks.

OK I knew it was doing to happen today. Just too much energy and I just could not redirect. I masturbated a lot today.. precum for like 8 hours straight. I finally gave in an masturbated to orgasm. No porn no fantasy. Just the feelings like I have been doing. I feel better right now been about an hour or so since I went all the way. Just need to take some time and reset again. I do not even feel bad, ashamed, angry or disappointed. It is this first time I have felt this way. I think I am really OK with it. I do want to stop it I am just not going to stress over it any more. I think the reason I feel OK is that I am not using porn or fantasy. I get aroused very well without those things. that actually makes me feel good about the whole thing.

Still learning.
I think I will be ok. I need to just not worry about this whole process so much. yeah like that is going to happen. Well I do feel that I am changing. Even now with the way I feel about myself right now. I think my writing is changing again too. I think I am growing and getting better.

I am also happy that the community here is getting better. Make me happy.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Be Safe
James

Well I have not needed the cold water yet. I feel really good actually. NO cravings since I had the orgasm earlier today. I did get a massive headache but it went away quickly. Now still feeling good. Will I still be feeling good in an hour ? Or at 3:30 in the morning I do not know. I like to think I will be fine. I think I learned a lot and grew a lot over the last few days.

What I really feel is at peace. I am not sure how to express it really. I think my new pic is influencing me :). I am going to start doing more meditation. I want to learn how to meditate a little more.

warning getting graphic. I think I will start putting a warning in front of my graphic stuff.
I really did learn that I could get aroused and feel good and not use porn or fantasy. You see I was at the point that if I did not use porn or fantasy I just did not get hard. I mean nothing just limp. I could barely get hard with porn and masturbation. The hypnosis worked for a short time but it only a short time and my problems came back. ED was getting bad. Now today I was hard for hours. I could just think about it and get hard. The transformation in me in the last few months is amazing. I have changed my diet and take some supplements that are probably helping with the ED also but I think giving up porn is the biggest thing. I really believe porn was the cause. Well not believe I know it was the cause.

That is why I feel at peace. I really feel something changed in me today. I am not sure how or why really it just did.

I know one thing that happened. I know someone was saying in there blog that they were able to move the sexual energy up to there head and feel just the orgasm there not in the body or genitals. Well I did that today. It was just amazing. If you have not experienced this I think it will be hard to grasp. I mean I moved the "feeling" of orgasm just to my mind. I was in this state for at least 20 minutes. maybe more. It was a 20 minute orgasm. My body became still and my mind was just in the bliss of orgasm. I am not going to try and repeat this. I see it as something that could just get way out of control and highly addictive. I am just glad I got to experience such a thing. I think it changed me. I now really believe in the energy flow and movement. I do not think I did before. I had tried but never really thought it would work. Having actually done it now is just amazing. I had no idea how amazing it could be. I just need to learn how to move that energy to the proper place at the proper time. It may take me a long time to do this. I may have just gotten lucky this time.

not sure how to express it all. I just feel really good tonight. We will see how it goes when I get to sleep. If I get a full nights sleep then something did change.

hope everyone had a good day
Be Safe
James

OK I do not know how to explain it. Since that experience of pulling the energy up into my head/mind and then having that orgasm not long after. I have been calm. My body has been calm. I slept very well last night. I woke briefly I think twice. Neither of those times was 3 anything. It was 2 something and 4 something. My body really has been calm since I had that orgasm. It has not been this calm since the whole thing started. I also feel really good. No cravings or urges. Well I think as I was falling asleep my body surged a little but nothing bad and I fell asleep while it was happening. I feel so clear right now. Like I did before the dream orgasm. Well maybe not but I am definitely close and more clear than I have been in days. So right now I am feeling good. We will see how the day goes. Hopefully this shift is permanent.

On TCM. well I have dealt with all of those emotions during my withdrawals. Even before this recent relapse. I would just collapse into a grief crying state most days.
Symptoms: The past few weeks what I have been doing at work deals with a lot of dust. I know it has effected my breathing and lungs. I know it has caused some allergy effect. Again Depression and crying yeah got that.

So if there is anything to TCM then The waking at 3:30ish could be caused by my body dealing with all the crap I have been breathing in over the past few weeks. With the grief and detachment feelings I have been dealing with from my addiction thrown in. It would fit with my body being out of balance in this area. Maybe things got better yesterday we will see

thanks for the information.

Hope everyone has a great day.
Be Safe
James

I still feel good. I wish I really knew what it was. My thoughts are it has to do with the moving of the sexual energy. I am still blown away by that experience. I wanted to believe in that sort of thing before I just do not think I really did. Now that I have experienced it myself. It is just so unreal. I really want to explore it more. Well not that experience itself. Just the whole energy thing. To go from my body and mind freaking out for days and then almost complete calm. It is an amazing thing to go through.

I really think deciding to change my pic/avatar helped shift my mind. I think it was bad thinking of my self as screaming in my head. Now I just feel so calm. Will I stay this way ? not sure I hope so. If I do not I know now that I can be this way. I have felt what it is like. I want to be this way as much as possible. Can this feeling be increased ? If it can and I am only at the surface of this I have no words for what it could really be like. It is a little scary thinking of the energy and control you can have of yourself in states like this.

Now that I think about it one thing I did this week. I think I will continue it too. I did not listen to the radio in my car all week while driving. I heard a speech a few months ago that music can interfere with spiritual growth and awareness and communication with your higher self and higher powers. I really did not accept it then. I think I might have changed my mind. I think I will try this for awhile just driving and being mindful of my driving and thoughts while doing so. I drive 60 minutes a day everyday to work. So it gives my mind a good bit of time to find itself.

Still having problems with my diet today. It is not going to get better till tomorrow. Family is having a cook out for the Super Bowl so I will end up eating things I should not. I do have my diet ready to go to be gluten free for a month and see how it goes. Not going to be hard really lots of steamed veggies and fish. My meal replacement shakes and smoothies. should be interesting to see if I can go the whole month.

hope everyone is having a good day
Be Safe
James