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When I first got here to Reuniting I was looking for ways to balance Yin energy. The only reason I was looking to balance Yin Energy is because I had read that due to excessive masturbation, which I was doing, there are physical changes that result in the body.
For example, if you are right handed and always masturbate with the right hand then the muscles in your right arm and so on... get stronger... and... the left side of the body, it's muscles which are not as worked out and the resultant lack of blood flow to that side of the body or restrictions of oxygen to that side... cause a noticeable imbalance in the body structure. I notice theses imbalances in my body. Also... I was having even numbness above my right eye and pain in my right leg because of the strain of masturbation. Yes, I went to the emergency room with pain in the back of my head, numbness in my neck and pain in my right leg. Then for months after that... the ligaments that run from the middle right side of my head down over my right shoulder and into the middle right side of my back pulled so hard that I wished I were heavily medicated and couldn't move without back pain. This is all unbeknownst to me about why this was happening. !!! (GEEZ!) it makes so much more sense NOW, though.
Maybe you have noticed those body pains as well? I've often wanted to ask everyone that. The one woman doctor in all of this at the Emergency Room actually talked to me about it. I have the most respect for her even though I was really, really embarrassed. After all, the other doctors were going to do an MRI, CAT SCAN and all that junk. In all reality, and to make matters more complicated, I did severely damage my right ovary... ... when... masturbating one day. I ended up nearly a year later still with painful ovulation and pain in my ovary every time I orgasmed and ...yet I couldn't stop. I had to have surgery even. A DNC and an exploratory laproscopy.
I was so isolated. And alone. All my past experiences were just simply not pretty. At 35 years old... I discovered with a rude awakening that all I had had time for was working and I had not a single friend, or relationship left when I quit my job after 14 years. All at the same time, I lost my psychologist due to lack of insurance and it was more than I could tolerate. He was the only reason I was as successful as I had been able to be. He was in many, many ways... my father.
So... I started masturbating more. I had a wonderful man I met at an organization I worked with after I quit working. I began to feel pressure about meeting him...and I began to more acutely feel the self hatred I had for myself and...was not ready for the intensity of the emotions associated with a new boyfriend. Too MUCH. Too MUCH. And all we did was talk on the phone.
I was overweight, had an eating disorder, smoked weed, and drank rum/vodka and ... self harming behavior as well. That's where the hurt ovary comes in. I resigned to being by myself ...and that hurt me to feel that way. I had given a child up for adoption when I was 18 and had no family connections... (my issues with my family, I've only recently with Reunitings help sorted through the cloudy haze that all that represented). My twin sister has been happily married all of her life and now has 4 children.
So... I masturbated more, and more and ....hated myself more and more...and then I noticed I had intense all-over body pain coming on. I couldn't even play the piano anymore...and it got so bad, I couldn't lift my head. I contstantly worried about losing my home, being able to stay self employed, not being able to deal with relationships for work, abusing myself, and ...so very, very, very, very....much in need of some feelings of love from myself for myself and some genuine, authentic love and attention ...in some way... obviously that I hadn't experienced before then.
I was hard on myself making myself always ignore what I wanted and stay strong for all the wrong reasons. I was taught that.
"Yes, Daffy, your dad is beating the shit out of your brother and you are terrified but there's no reason to scream. You'll just look stupid and silly and everyone will wonder why you're not ok with all this."
After all... there wasn't anyone around who expected me to protect myself. My mom always made me do whatever my dad said, even if he was in a rage or going to potentially hurt us. So excessive rage and BEING ABLE TO HIDE IT... and denegrate myself in the process was what made me STRONG and it is ALSO what helped me to develop Fibromyalgia.
I don't know if any of you have heard this or not, but John Sarno's theory of Tension Myotis Syndrome is what I have used to unlock my hidden rage and to completely erradicate Fibromyalgia. I have never taken a drug for it, and I won't. I will be rid of it completely and that I know for sure. Marnia and Gary...if you don't know of TMS you may be interested as it is very much about chemicals that the brain releases that cause the pain whether it be fibromyalgia, or chronic pain of any kind.
As an aside.. I believe that fibromyalgia is as much a LOVING CONSEQUENCE of NOT CARING OR MINDING to MYSELF with RESPECTFUL REGARD and I feel that abstaining from ORGASMS and their natural addicitve quality keep me in balance in regards to necessary intimacy that is GOOD FOR ME.
So anyway... back to when I was searching for ways to balance Yin Energy... I wanted to straighten out my body...I was all out of whack. As if that were the only thing going on, though! I was suicidal and hanging by a thread asking myself every day why I was going to keep this whole thing going.
I needed a miracle ...and I prayed EARNESTLY to a concept of GOD that I also reformulated and rejected and wasn't even sure if there were anything out there to pray to anymore... I didn't know. The only thing I was sure of at that time was that I kept breathing and I didn't know why. Consequently... I said over and over "If I could only just STOP breathing..." And... what do you know, nearly 3 years later...I was told that my autonomic system which controls all involuntary functions in your body has nearly shut down. There are times that I have to literally concentrate on breathing because I literally wonder how I am still walking around with as little oxygen as I take in.
Needless to say, I talk to my brain and say I'm sorry for not loving me and appreciating all of its involuntary functions and ask for forgiveness. And needless to say, I do WHEE tapping on those issues as well. Speaking of "tapping"...
The energy healer led me to books on fibromyalgia and told me of John Sarno. He also told me about tapping and showed me how to do Whee. He told me my problems were digestive, to work with my beliefs (byron katie) and to forgive and he also said "MOVE! GET OFF THE COUCH". He also showed me about remote viewing indirectly as this man knew my thoughts, and what I could see as well. So, I got my miracle. Whee - Wholistic Hybrid of EMDR and EFT. (Dr. Daniel Benor)
Anyway... the theory about masturbation I ran across said that we should stop it. I'm like, really? But ... BUT... I was convinced of it only after I read the effects of it on the body. Then... I began a search for Yin Energy about balancing energy. Didn't really know if it would help but the masturbation thing kinda made sense to me. But I still didn't want to stop it. but something on there led me to think that maybe I could find balance with a man somehow...after all I was made that way. But I didn't think it was possible at ALL, at least for me... I was just looking into stuff.
One night... as many nights as there were that I cried...and pleaded for life to get better and to have help... from something for how painful life was day after day... I prayed...for relationships. It went kinda like this:
"GOD??? (long pause, cry, sob, sob) PLEASE... why am I here? I can't do this anymore. I mean no disrespect by saying that I can't do this... I'm just tired, PLEASE.. All this is just not necessary... for me. It's just not necessary that I continue on here. It's too scary and it hurts too much. (long pause - cry, cry, cry) Then I heard inside my head "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" It wasn't like someone was annoyed with me but it seemed like a legitimate question. I felt self hatred usually and wanted to lash out at the question and say Why the HEll are you asking ME what I want, I can't HAVE what I WANT!!... but instead, the self hatred abated." I thought the only way I could answer that would be to actually think it was possible to get what I wanted... and... for the sake of feeling a healing balm wash over me, I let the hatred go and began to dream. A part of me grieved at the opportunity to dream about what I wanted and it was a struggle from that perspective too never having had an opportunity to indulge in thoughts like that without fearing abandonment by those close to me and so now it didn't seem a FAIR question but it was one that begged me to let go of blame in order to answer it. So I did.
Coming to a sense of who I am was hard because as I stated because I was always a step at least removed from my inner self... when I got close to it I fought self hatred or extreme grief. That night...I prayed/dreamed outloud... for things I would want and let myself say it. I whispered it so no one... would ...ever hear me say what I was saying...because I was embarrassed.
"Relationships. God. I want friends and ... God... you know how messed up the sexual stuff is for me...and GOD... relationships... they just don't go well for me and I am sorry about why. I know I'm hateful and narcissitic, and I don't give...and THEY TERRIFY me. I just really wanna come home, ya know? There's so much fear here."
"I don't have any money god...and WHO WILL help me with NO MONEY? Who?? My own mom is supposed to love me and acts like she doesn't and... so WHY would ANYONE ELSE want to care about me? God you know how embarrassed I am... I don't have anyone to ask about my ovary... or anything.... and GOD, don't just put me here and leave me like this. I can't even SAY SEXUAL WORDS outloud! I don't know how I can be more comfortable within myself ...but there's NO ONE I can talk to about sex and yet I am a SEXUAL person and I wish I weren't. I don't want a body. I want friends... but ... I am so nasty and mean... no one will ever like me and I won't like them...but I'm asking for your help. I want GENUINESS all around me and AUTHENTICITY. "
Then a few months later, I was seaching for the "Yin energy balancing" and ... there was Reuniting.
When I got here I didn't want a relationship with a man. I wasn't open to it at all. NO. As a matter of fact... I was moved to tears of relief by reading what I did on here ...because for the first time in my life I was able to understand and give myself validation for WHY I was so miserable after masturbating.
To have been in so much pain... for so long... it changes a person. There were so many reasons this place was a sanctuary for me. I am so ... much better and my life is so improved. Marnia used to make me mad in the beginning...because of the kind of humor she had...but NOW I realize how PRECIOUS it is. Don't YOU SEE?? Marnia... treats ME like um... SOOO respectful. SHE HELPED me ... and WROTE me. SHE STILL writes and ... writes... and writes...and she never seemed bothered by me and if she was busy she'd just SAY. So respectful....and she was there for me and just like everyone here just having this place... helped ease my suffering.
(I think that Marnia made me mad because I didn't trust her or anyone here yet. I was USED to be on my own without all that support and when Marnia talks to people she says things to them as if she KNOWS YOU'RE JUST FINE and yet I can't tell MYSELF I'm fine and then here this lady is telling me that I'M FINE and then being NICE TO ME and......!!!! the ... AUDACITY of someone to think they are soooooo RIGHT... and then to tell me that my orgasms are the cause of my UPS AND DOWNS and ...then... YOU SEE, you guys?? Marnia just thinks the best of people ... and of ... suffering... she has been there...and no matter the differences or disagreements on the semantics I look at the WHOLE PICTURE... and I decided... ME, DAFFY DUCK decided that I could TRUST this person. I could TRUST Marnia. And many others here to not do more for me than I could do for myself even when I wanted them to...and to respond genuinely with unconditional love. Reuniting may be about healing with sexual relationships but this place is an incubator for those relationships or it could be considered a big huge GROW LIGHT for sprouts. )
It's the relationships... you see. For me, the masturbation pales in comparison to the bliss of POSSIBILITY OF CONNECTION with another human being and even if it might be GENITALLY... with a boyfriend or husband...I'm talking about INTIMACY. I'm talking about people writing and responding and out of generosity and kindness and NO ONE MAKES anyone respond on here. They just DO.
This was a place of healing... because of the intention of it. I've received MORE HUGS from people here ... than I have received in the last 6 years or more... and I'm not kidding.
I am thankful for each and every one of you here even if we've had difficulties. I've only been strengthened within myself because of the people and commitment here. There's nothing like a web site actually ADVOCATING for PEOPLE TO BOND. It's the cry within each human's heart no matter how damaged/wounded... we have felt. When I found out that orgasms chemical effect ... I was completely RELIEVED. It helped me to relieve that self hatred a little at a time and provided a VANTAGE POINT to begin to repair my relationship with myself from and THEN... helped me to actualize my dreams and to trust myself more. I'll never forget it when it hit me about Marnia and this site...
"YOU MEAN THAT THEY TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS AND AREN'T AFRAID?"
"You mean that it's OK???" "You mean it's REALLY a very reputable, RESPECTFUL, site and even has stuff on here about SACRED SEXUALITY?" "You MEAN PEople REALLY are responding to others and encouraging ??????" "You mean I can have my OWN BLOG???" ".... people will actually CARE.... (long pause) and .... write back?" You mean I can maybe begin to dream of what real love, and connection and sexuality are really all about and there's people here to talk WITH about it????"
Sometimes... well... when I first got on here...I TESTED it!! HA, HA! I wrote Marnia one day about 10 times and she answered EVERY ONE!! I ALWAYS GOT A MESSAGE BACK???? Except for Amari once... but .... I like her. I do. I know I probably scare people with my emotionality ... and I honestly do like her messages. BUT SEEE??? I'm learning to be able to care back.
I know this is completely the longest post EVER WRITTEN... but I have more to say.
The title of the blog is Why I love Karezza... and I'll be getting to that and am privaleged to be able to speak of it. This blog I wrote here is about BONDING ... bonding with people here ... that made my experience with a wonderful man I met here possible. More on that in another blog. Feeling grateful for the opportunity to be a part of Reuniting.... very grateful.