Huge porn problem with escalation, turning gay?

It sounds like you are on your way to recovery. Hang in there!

P.

been badly frightened. I'm sorry. However, you're taking good, solid steps toward reestablishing your equilibrium. That has to be a wise first step. In fact, I'd try hard not to figure out anything about your sexual orientation until you give yourself more time without p/m/o.

As you've probably seen in other posts, your reward circuitry doesn't really think in terms of gender preference. It thinks in terms of "pursuit of dopamine." It just wants its fix, and if you desensitize that part of your brain with too much stimulation (leaving you with chronic low dopamine), then it urges you to ferret out MORE stimulation. It doesn't care what the heck you look at - as long as it packs enough punch to get the job done.

So what you're looking at isn't really all that revealing about your underlying tastes, and you're not the first guy to be totally puzzled by this phenomenon. You saw this article, right? http://www.reuniting.info/straight_men_gay_porn_sexual_brain_map I wrote it because a number of men have shown up in our relatively obscure forum with the same story. And they have noticed that their tastes changed back as they gave their poor, battered reward circuitry a lengthy "time out" to recalibrate.

Remember, it took several years of training to create the phenomenon you're experiencing. Be patient and try not to fret while your brain rediscovers its balance.

Keep in mind that everyone thought porn was harmless, so it was an easy puddle to fall into. The good news is that once you reboot your brain, you will have learned something really valuable about how porn affects human brains.

You can blog if you like.

*big hug*

you have no problem with your heterosexuality and you just took a detour due to the addictive nature of porn. I agree with Marnia the bonding behaviors will be good medicine. And don't worry about what your penis does with your girlfriend while you are with her. If it gets hard, great, if it does not, that is great too. The bonding behaviors are not so much for you to "get" anything (including hard, sex, etc) from her as they are to selflessly just "be" with each other which may produce Loving feelings because you feel safe and secure with her, and not consumed with yourself and issues at hand.
Also, don't keep checking yourself for attraction toward her or impulses that you recognize as sexual urges. Right now your brain may be routing those to erotic imagery between two members of the same sex, so until that program is removed your brain will probably look for that route because of the rush it has gotten from it.
I agree, it does not make you gay, it is just the brain on highly erotic imagery combined with the other neurochemicals that accompany fear and guilt which is potent for the brains reward system.
Continuously refusing the imagery that has an addictive nature for you is a good course of action, and replacing it with another activity. Using the red X is good and don't call it anything, label it evil or resist it. What you resist, persists, so once you establish yourself in refusing to indulge in the imagery and ween off of it you can slowly move on to other images that you prefer and make you happy.

I am assuming you are talking about the technique that was noted on this comment:
http://www.reuniting.info/node/3007#comment-16586

From what I understand, for addictions or strong desires that come up that is a valid technique and it works for me. This way you are continuously refusing the image before energy is drawn to it which, as it gains power you may not be able to say no. This takes some getting used to and being on the edge of the knife with regards to your perception so you can see that the image comes up in mind first, gains energy and then you feel like it is a must have. Catching it earlier and earlier in the process allows you to also see that you can refuse it more and more so it loses it grip. What you don't really want to resist are the sensations that may accompany the process, which may be restricting out of fear or anxiety. This leads to another technique called "letting go" or "letting it run". This works well with desire and fear once you get the hang of it.
Basically, when what you label as fear or desire comes up, you immediately let go resisting the feelingness of it, stop labeling it, turn away from any thoughts about it and actually welcome the energy, which at this point would be what you might call a generalized upset, but you continually let go of any labels and resisting of the sensations in the body. I have found this works best by laying down on a couch and just being with the sensations, even diving right into the fear or dread or strong desire, again without labeling it and just welcoming the energy of it. What the ego does not really know and which is important is that these energies are levels of consciousness and are supressed but also limited in their amounts, so can run out of steam with this process.
Most people throughout life either suppress or express the energy but the alternative is to not resist it and let it run without doing anything, just being there and continuously letting go resisting it. It is sort of like the energy is in a pressure cooker, and at some point it needs to be let out, so this is a safer way to do it, since you are not acting out nor trying to suppress it anymore. It may come in waves but eventually the energy will just run out.
A pretty well known psychiatrist has a DVD on the process you can order here:
http://www.veritaspub.com/product_info.php?cPath=214_216&products_id=855
Also, an off shoot and very similar process is known as the Sedona Method:
http://www.sedona.com/

is a problem to ask her to stop. After all, you are in control up until a certain point (the point of no return for an orgasm) and can exercise your will if your intention is to playfully enjoy each other without going for orgasm every time.

on realizing what was happening and bringing yourself back from the brink. It goes to show that we're not committed to an act just because we started it. Thats a big deal. Nice work.

If I can recommend anything, it would be to always consider your current emotional predicament in proportion to the total extent of your life--that is, if you have been worried about a certain condition for two weeks, yet you've been alive for 17 years, then this problem has an importance weight of 0.0022 re your entire life...

I can also attempt to reassure you about sexual orientation issues, since you are apparently concerned about it. I'm straight. I've been with only one woman in my life, and we've been together for almost 10 years. I fantasize entirely about women (not only my wife though (which I consider a personal shortcoming, but that's not the point here)). Anyway, 100% straightness does not mean that homosexual thoughts or actions can never be entertained/engaged in:

1. When I was a very young kid, I sexually experimented (no orgasm, just a genital contact incident) with another (male) kid. I managed to get over feelings of guilt (restrictive christian upbringing problem), and I don't have any residual emotional baggage about that incident, and in no way did it make me even slightly homosexual--at the time, I was too young to even be aware of sexual orientation!

2. In high school, I saw/masturbated to internet porn a few times--maybe 10 times total. Directly after high school, I started going out with my future wife, and when I got to college, I had never seen porn during the course of our relationship. But then I encountered the unlimited internet access, and it was a terrible temptation. I forced myself not to look at any porn--I felt that it was a violation of relationship trust. But I was too curious...couldn't stop myself. I loaded up a single female image, and it made me so angry with myself that I swore to never do it again. But then I saw a loophole--I reasoned that I could look at gay porn, and get sexually excited, and not violate that relationship trust I was just talking about. Looking back, that was completely irrational, but nonetheless I spent a semester masturbating to gay porn. Eventually I couldn't be bothered with it--sure, it had my favorite fetish in it, but the asses being penetrated were attached to penises, and it just wasn't the same...

To summarize, one time I touched another guy's penis. I've masturbated to videos and images of guys doing a wide variety of stuff to themselves and each other. And I am entirely straight. If someone wants to argue that sexual orientation is a life-long record, then I guess I'm partially gay...But if orientation is your inclination in the present (and I believe that is a far more useful/mature/accurate definition), then I'm heterosexual. In your case, you love a girl, you love women more generally, but your current autoerotic kink happens to involve male images. That's as far as it goes--it is unnecessary to extrapolate your future sexuality based on a (perhaps) temporary tendency. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that this could provide a useful opportunity to examine your attitude toward homosexuality. My college gay porn phase made me realize that I had been wandering this planet with a pointless, stupid, and irrational hostility toward an inconsequential genital configuration...truly important things (justice, peace, knowledge, self-knowledge, freedom, whatever) are totally independent of phallic juxtaposition...

Hope some of this is useful...good luck!

Thanks. Just shows how random fetishes can be.

There's a lot to be said for self-control, maintaining ideals, achieving perfection, etc...but there is always a point where self-control meets biology, and you're obviously testing those limits...

You're right that my experience is different from yours--but I have been in very dark places too. I used to self-mutilate after masturbating (to hetero porn, no less!). Bad times.

But the bad times pass into somewhat less bad times, and then gradually your testes stop producing as much testosterone (at least, I really hope they do, because I'm still working on self control and I'm almost 30!)...

We're with you. Day 0 is always distressing, but you're not alone. Metaphorically.

so much. Just because you did it does not mean you have to hate yourself. You did very good, heck, 15 days is like tons more than other people have done. Many start out just two days and give in. So, congratulate yourself on the accomplishment and look at it as a step in the process. And, give up perfectionist and all or nothing thinking about the matter. The important thing is that you have admitted that you would like to change a behavior that does not serve you and are looking at ways to make a positive change in your life which takes some time.
The images and such that may lead you to masturbate are largely impersonal. The brain is more like a computer and just spits out images that result in a reward. It takes some time to change that and your 15 days are a great start. Yes the cycle may have to repeat itself but take a more realistic view on change. It is gradual and will happen over some time. It did with me and looking back those dark nights were just part of the process.
For me also it was helpful to take at least two steps modified from AA, which I admitted I was powerless over the emotions that are leading to the craving to masturbate and ask a higher power to help you.
Also, a good tip from Buddhism is to ride the middle path, which, for this example means that you let go the attraction to masturbation, which you are doing and have done a great job for your first 15 days. The other side is letting go of the aversion to masturbation, which means you let go hating it, fearing it and hating yourself, including the images that you associate with this. Take the attitude that you neither desire, nor do not desire and let go resisting as you process this out and give it to God.
Remember that the mammalian brain is like your little pet, and pets just want what they want when they want it and don't rationalize about it. So, treat it like a pet who needs to be nurtured not hated because it wants to eat more or indulge in pleasure for its own sake.

First, as the others noted, you held to your goal for quite a long time. Well done. That builds useful muscles. Second, you masturbated not to the images you're trying to unwire, right? Clever! Maybe next time you can try masturbation without porn if you feel self-control is just too stressful.

And now you get to see what the post-O cycle looks like in you. Excellent learning opportunity.

A friend was just pointing out that both Freud and Jung remarked that part of reaching healthy adulthood is mastering "the sacrifice of desire." They didn't mean no sex. Apparently they meant learning self-control for higher ends, rather than just allowing the ole limbic brain to do its thing willy nilly. Sounds like you're well on your way.

But it takes a while to "harness this horse" of sexuality. Try not to get discouraged by setbacks. And please, please don't harm yourself. You're actually dealing with a very normal, natural challenge. Your brain has played a little trick on you. It's frustrating to know your will has been somewhat eroded for the time being, but it happened *innocently.* And gradually you will be able to change that. Meanwhile, be loving toward yourself.

* big hug*

See if you can get hold of an old book by Louise Hay, called You Can Heal Your Life. It's great for learning to love yourself. She recommends starting by telling yourself in the mirror, over and over, "I love and approve of myself." Sounds silly, but try it and let us know what happens over the next few weeks.

Other forum visitors recommend tapping, or the WHEE technique. Perhaps some of them can add websites.

I'm learning myself (at 49 yrs old, no less), to approach abstinence from masturbation as working out. The days you went without doing it have exercised a muscle, not well used. It is expected that it will be weak. So the 15 days you abstained are not wasted, but have helped to build strength in that muscle so you can go longer without it. It will take some work, but you can continue to strengthen that self-control muscle. You may fail again, but that doesn't mean anything other than you are working on it, and you need to get stronger, which means keep on keeping on.

There is no reason to hate yourself over this. There is nothing innately "bad" about masturbation. What can be bad about it is when it becomes your central focus, when you can't control it and simply give in every time it says, "I want some." And naturally it is better to take that sexual energy and expend it on someone else rather than keeping it all for yourself. But just because you gave in doesn't mean you are bad. It means you are human. Welcome to the human race!

I only wish I'd had understood some of these things when I was teen, and trying to quit. I can't tell you how many times I went back and forth from "this is bad, I've got to stop," and then "this is okay, its natural, and it feels good. Why not?" But years of trying and "failing" made me think I couldn't overcome it. I would simply be controlled by it. And have been most of my life. If I'd approached it the right way when I was a teen, perhaps things would be much different now.

But we only have today to start and work on ourselves. Keep at it. You'll get stronger over time with practice.

It seemed like it was more from my imagination than any real theology giving me the shame. Or maybe just a cluster of contorted christian thought handed down by my family. We never really got the good stuff from the religion, just kind of folktale part of it, which for some reason centered around things like armageddon, sin, rapture, etc. We didnt even really go to church, but somehow I got the superstitious side of christianity. Its unfortunate too because there is a lot of value to the religion that my young mind would have benefitted from much more. Maybe it was a southern thing, I dont know. I had a better appreciation for the religion later in life, but those old habits in thinking die hard and I still have a hard time separating what I experienced from the religion itself. There can be very theologically sound reasoning, but ignorant people will screw it up and screw up their kids with it. Unfortunately.

is called "Ten Days To Self-Esteem" by David Burns, MD. It is a workbook and something you can probably complete as you work through the process of giving up MB for now.
Another tool that I like is hypnosis and there is a great web site called:
http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/
You could start with one on self-esteem or building confidence and work on more from there.
http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/downloads/self_improvement/self_esteem....

some "binging" is normal with a relapse. So no beating up on yourself, you hear???

Good move on the porn blocker. I once read an article that showed that addiction (to drugs) strongly correlated with "ready availability." So any hurdles for your limbic brain improve the chances that your rational brain will be able to grab the reins again.

k-9 porn blocker is a free blocking software. Its pretty good. I mean, you can still by pass it if you need to, but it can slow down your efforts just enough sometimes to make it just hard enough that you might have to think a little more about what you're doing. Ive been through that a couple of times and it can have an effect sometimes.

A lot of us have been where you are at right now with the beating yourself up and feeling crappy about not being able to control your own thoughts and actions. It's painful, but the general advice we try to give is to remind you that this is a process and relapses are inevitable. Its a practice and it takes time. Sexual desire is very powerful and the reward of orgasm for acting on them is more powerful than hunger, so dont feel like you are a failure for not getting this the first time around. You are strong to even want to begin to take responsibility and sort out your thoughts and impulses.

Hang in there, its really hard for everyone at first. You'll get better at it.

is to be patient. Boner? So what? Cartoon thoughts? So what? These things may pop up for weeks.

Pay them as little mind as possible...or even laugh about them: "There goes that silly brain loop, activated again. Ha ha!" The less angst, the less the "charge," and (eventually) the less arousing the thought. At that point your brain won't bother anymore, since it gets little reaction out of you.

although my addiction stages never really got as far as yours, it did escalate as well, i think alot of ppl can relate to what your going through. Since about a year ago i have quit this thing several times for several weeks and then have gone back into P and MB. However i can say i know what your talking about, my advice, just stick with it. Heres an example i'll use.

Years ago i could just look at a women i found attractive and be aroused. Then once i got into the P and MB i found that this was much more difficult, i found as others have, needing more and more intense P as time went on. Regular everyday women sometimes wouldn't cut it.

However i'm now 2 and half weeks in again. Haven't looked at P or MB, had a dream orgasm or two which i don't view as bad. I can say this now. I can just use my imagination when seeing a women i like and can get aroused alot easier, however if i also think about some of the intense P i can still get aroused as well. So you see its basically a combination of the two. While my mind still can get aroused by P images, i also feel its coming back into balance. To some form of normalcy.

Many people say it takes a while to get rid of all the P images, and for me i'm still at the beggining of this run. But i can already see improvements, it takes time. So just because you can still get aroused by the P fantasies, doesn't mean your mind is still in all out Porn mode. Your weaning yourself of it.

Your still very early in the process. You mentioned in an earlier post you were able to MB to heterosexual P, but right after the other thoughts climbed back in. I can relate to that as well. Think of it this way, most people whom aren't addicts might MB 4-5 times week, some maybe 1-3 times a week, some not at all. It all depends on the person. Where other people might MB once and not have the urge to do it again, you and I have gotten so used to MB, that once we do it, we wan't to do it again right away. Its like our body can't live without it and is calling for it. Thats part of the addiction. Its not just about the Porn, but breaking the MB cycle as well. (for me sometimes 10-20 times week using P)

Am i saying never go back to MB? I'm not. I have read stories of people whom have completely stopped P and MB for a couple months. Regained control of their bodies, and then MB at a much more moderate pace without any P (maybe once or twice a week). Although i'm not so sure thats for me. But the important part is to never look at the Porn again. As marnia says orgasm is a strong reinforcer, and it reinforces the P images in your head. You will be fine. Just stick with it, give it time, and when you feel down don't look to P as the answer, things will get easier.

Keep on, keeping on. We're rooting for you.

nothing to be embarrassed about. You're a person, not a porn machine. Just give your brain a bit more time (like several weeks), and everything will be fine.

Yes, some antidepressants do interfere with libido. The prozac-types are notorious for this.

Next time you have blue balls, try running cold water over your genitals and see if it eases the pain. A man with 50 years of experience with this says it "works like a charm."