How do YOU achieve sexual balance?

Orgasm frequency has a tendency to escalate under some circumstances, which can throw couples onto an uncomfortable treadmill of seeking more and more stimulation to counter the idge_effect_2009" title="Link to article on the Coolidge Effect">natural habituation that can accompany sexual satiety. This tendency for orgasm cravings to escalate can also leave single folks susceptible to things like porn addiction and hooking up, as they try to ease their sexual frustration.

At this website, we often talk about the objective of "sexual balance." What things do you find help you balance your sexual energy, so that you're not fighting it, but its expression is totally voluntary? That is, what makes you master of your sexual desire, rather than its slave?

Suggestions for those with partners

We cuddle and kiss nightly. We have moved on from scheduling intercourse, to me simply asking if she would like to connect. I only do this when it feels right at the time. Some nights I think we are just not with it and simple hugging and caressing seem more appropriate. The longer I go, the less I miss orgasm and the less I want to have one as well. I love the feeling of becoming minimally aroused and having it gently taper off towards the end of the session, to be replaced by an inner calming.

Bonding that includes intercourse is VERY fluid, non goal oriented, and wonderful! We have adopted a mindset of if an orgasm happens, it happens. We are aware of the changes that happen after an orgasm, so we definitely avoid it. It took me longer to get used to this. I also find that I am separating orgasm from ejaculation now. As I relax more and more into this, I am discovering exquisite feelings that I had never noticed before.

If you have your partner's conscious cooperation, try some of these playful activities for couples.

Here's a couple's breathing technique, in which one partner "breathes" the other via massage:

The point is to gradually increase the breath depth and duration. Starting at the neck or shoulders, sort of visualize being responsible for moving the air in and out of your partner – hands move down the back or shoulders on the inhale, back up towards the head on the exhale. We’d do a verbal “In” cue when hands moved down, hold for a few seconds, and a verbal “Out” cue as the hands moved back up to gently push the exhale out. It’s as simple as that. Don’t push partner too far with too-deep breaths too fast, and don’t push them too long on the few seconds’ pause between hands stopping low on the ribs or back at the end of the inhale cycle before the hands move back up for the sort of “forced” exhale. Start light, let the contact on shoulders/back be fairly light, when they’ve hit the comfort zone where they trust you to sort of regulate/be in charge of something as simple yet important as their breathing. Once you’ve done a few ins and outs, and gotten the synchronization down, slowly gradually make the breaths longer, and deeper. Give your partner slower, deeper breath coaching by gradually increasing how slowly your hands move down, how far down your hands go to let them feel the breathing full body.

Once the comfort/synch is solid, contribute more to the actual physiology of your partner’s breathing. With a firmer touch, slide the hands down the ribcage – you’re sort of giving them a physical cue of trying to feel/fill not just the lungs, with the breath – you’re sort of helping them Zen in on breathing being a full body exercise, not just lungs. On the exhale, experiment with firm pressure on the back of the lower torso and back of the ribcage. There’s only so much you can do to actually contribute to their inhale, but with the right balance of hand pressure (and eventually, you find yourself as the coach/pace provider putting more of your shoulder strength or actually physical body weight), you are putting considerable but gentle pressure into their exhale cycle – physically, you’re actually forcing them to exhale harder, more deeply, while they get the benefit of your hands sort of extending the experience beyond just their lung capacity. It won’t all come together the first time, especially if either or both partners have some level of discomfort with you taking control of something as fundamental/critical as their breathing.

By putting gently increasing pressure from the lower point of the exhale upward – the lower point of the exhale being where your hands stopped moving down for the inhale – you actually sort of find yourself contributing to the depth/duration of their inhale, if that makes sense. You’re to a degree literally physically pushing the air out of them on the exhale, so by default they inhale more deeply (and it’s not like you can physically grab their ribs and pull to physically contribute to the inhale).

I found the easiest position to coach from was to end the basic massage at the neck/shoulders, or biceps, while I was straddling her pelvis. Ultimately, though, I put her through inhale cycles that lasted for slow hand movement from base of neck all the way down back of legs to feet. And it always made something as basic and boring as breathing into something that felt cleansing/full body.

And yes, sometimes you’re going to have to push them – it’s too easy for the coached partner to inhale too fast, to tap out on inhale effort before your hands stop moving down. But make it gentle encouragement, sort of a, "c’mon, don’t give up on me, you can do this" sort of thing.

After this, it’s a matter of finding the best depth and frequency that works for them, and using the episode to start easy and take them to the deepest/hardest inhale/exhale cycles. Two key words – patience, and trust – and yes, it will feel utterly silly and awkward at first, or if the comfort/trust isn’t there.

This came from a woman in a very new relationship. Both partners want to take things slowly.

I am not pushing anything. I like it the way it is for now and maybe for later, also. There is a lot of romance, sensuality, sexuality, too, yet no penetration. There is expression of passion, but there is also gentle touching and caressing, and eye contact - which is my favorite connector. He is not pushing for more at this point. He knows I won't orgasm. [She's a very orgasmic woman, but prefers retaining her energy for creative and spiritual work.] I like not having to think about intercourse. He seems satisfied. I lovingly give him oral sex, gently (not to orgasm). It's calming, rather than 'hot rockets.' So, he gets sexual attention. I don't need to receive that, nor do I want to...too explosive.

Most of our passion is expressed through kissing, and is interspersed with loving and calming touching. The aim is to feel loved and loving and satisfied with that. He might masturbate when I am not around, I am not sure about that. He said he was going to stop that, but I don't know if he has. I don't press the issue.

So far this combination has been good for us. It is so nice to be in a relationship. I am making sure I stay in Gratitude and not slip into past patterns. I stay positive and keep a watch on myself.

Suggestions for those without partners

When desire came on I would lie down on the couch and let go any images and words, then surrender to the feeling. Let go of any words; do not even give it a name. This is the "letting go technique" and as you welcome the feelings without labeling them or resisting them, even welcoming them, they start to air out like they are coming out of a pressure cooker that needs to have an outlet and is limited in its energy, so it can run out.

So, you can either act out, suppress or let go through surrender. Look up the Sedona Method and that will give you some ideas. While doing this I would ask a higher power to help take on this energy and be with it as it runs out. It may do so in waves, but eventually the charge runs out and you don't notice it as much, then it disappears all together.

Whenever you get the urge to masturbate, see it as an opportunity to love yourself in an introspective manner. Give in to the feeling, but make sure you know ahead of time that you're goal is anything but orgasm. You're body will feel energized as this form of self-karezza relieves the sexual stress. No need to limit yourself as long as you avoid orgasm altogether. It is also advisable to fantasize as little as possible. Instead, make this an opportunity to think about your dreams and passions and also use it to tell yourself how beautiful a human being you are. It's a great way to love yourself and keep your energy.