Why do all of this?

Submitted by skeptic on Wed, 2010-02-24 07:00
Community topics: 
goals
gender
masturbation
abstain
marriage

My wife, now 8 months pregnant, looked particularly appealing to me this morning. I like her curviness, and I think carrying the baby around has toned her legs. I told her: "Hey honey, it is day 21". This was our previous goal. I haven't had an O in three weeks now, and I think she likely goes back farther than that, albeit for different reasons. Her response: "Oh my goodness!" For good reason, I think her focus has been on other things.

Early on this experiment, I was stressed out about certain professional obligations and then we went on a trip. The first several day to a week were pretty easy, because I was focused on other things. I hadn't made it past about 10 days without an O in several, several years, so I wasn't sure I would ever last that long. Each day, we pushed out the goals a little farther. She almost caved in at Day 12, but fortunately, did not catch me at a weak point, and I resisted.

Recently, my habits and stress have overall been better. This week is the first time I have noticed a leveling of my sex drive during a period of abstinence. Usually, I get hypersexual. I have been able to focus on work and daily activities, which I previously haven't been able to do at the 5 to 12 day mark. Although I feel very excited when I am with my wife at bedtime and in the morning, I am less focused on sex during the day. My sex drive is good, but it is not interfering with my activities very much. Unfortunately, my wife and I are only together in the morning and at night, and she has a lot of nausea at these times (late at night, early in the morning), so physical bonding is somewhat limited to some hugging, etc. I feel bad for her because I am excited during these times, and she feels poorly.

Day 21 was the goal we set at about Day 12. So we need a new goal. At other times, we have generally kicked around the idea of waiting until she feels better, which may be after the baby comes in April. Today, we set the goal of at least one more week, which would take me to 28 days, twice what I ever thought I could last.

I initially did all of this because I liked the rush I feel at 5+ days. Then, I found this website, and was encouraged to wait a bit longer. I am not sure where all of this is going. I am not trying to kick any addiction, and for some of the reasons I have expressed, my wife and I are limited in exploring the bonding behaviors right now. In someways, abstaining is like making a sacrifice that keeps me focused on the goal of being less impulsive. My other personal habits are better right now, and I am generally sleeping better (I have a sleep disorder).

A lot of folks are interested in kicking porn or MB habits. Some seem to be interested in improving their marriage. Others, I think like the idea of abstaining from orgasm as an interesting sexual practice. After the baby is born and my wife recovers, I would be interested to see what she thinks about intercourse without orgasm. Maybe some of this is laying the ground work for later.

Comments

Submitted by neil on Wed, 2010-02-24 07:08.

No matter what, you will not regret the experience! The longer you go without orgasm, you will notice your thoughts shifting and you will no longer seek the rush. That is when you will begin to see your wife in a manner you have never experienced.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Wed, 2010-02-24 10:16.

Thanks for the details. I'm glad the information here came at a good time, whatever you two decide to do in the future.

I'd second what Neil says, too. Those legs may look cuter for more reasons than one. Gary and I often remark on how adorable the other one looks...and, trust me...it's all in the eyes of the beholders. smiley

Submitted by skeptic on Wed, 2010-02-24 10:43.

My biggest concern right now is that I feel a little self obsessed. This is new territory, and keep wondering what will happen next. I almost wish I could forgo blogging and posting for a week just to slow down. It is almost like constantly getting on a scale during a diet.

Submitted by neil on Wed, 2010-02-24 10:52.

I went away for a month or so. I would check in every few weeks. I just started posting again in the past few days. I think I just needed time to assimilate it all and just do it.... The site will be here when you get back! smiley

It is new territory. You must decide whether you want to try Karezza. You are probably fighting the notion of forgoing orgasm and the rush. You are probably wondering if you will miss the excitement and the passion..... Perhaps you are wondering what will happen if your wife likes it and you do not, or vice versa. All good questions.

Submitted by skeptic on Wed, 2010-02-24 11:06.

I think I am more interested in this than her right now. I am more fearful that my good habits will go away and it will tale too long to rebuild and I will lose drive. I am a little self conscious that she mostly views this as occupying me right now and her interest will go away. I would be thrilled to try more things after she feels better. I would be interested in hearing from more folks whose partners are interested in these practices.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Wed, 2010-02-24 12:06.

you'd have biology working in your favor over the next half year. smiley

Yes, it seems most couples who try the ideas don't spend much time here chatting about the way that they use them. I hear from some via other channels, but it's mostly singles who benefit most/contribute most on the forum. Strange, but true. Or maybe not so strange...because couples have the companionship of each other, while singles are wisely seeking the comfort of online interaction with their chosen "tribes."

Submitted by skeptic on Wed, 2010-02-24 13:33.

I am going to try to stay off the Internet for periods of time for stuff that is not business related. I don't want to burnout. I doubt many couples practice the stuff on this site. Far more probably drift away from each other.

Submitted by synchro on Sat, 2010-02-27 07:20.

impulsive could be one goal but perhaps there is also a component that you have not put your finger on yet. For me, I think it is the spiritual component. I find a lot of similarities in your posts and my experiences, including overcoming performance anxiety and intimacy fears. But, there has always been another more important goal for me that attracted me to Karezza or just the attitude of bonding behaviors. That goal is Spiritual and for me would be in simple terms having the intention of the relationship sourcing out of Love instead of just desire, which are two very different levels of consciousness. The bonding behaviors and Karezza seems to be more aligned with the pathway of the Heart as opposed to the impulsive wantingness that comes from too much orgasm or getting too close to the edge, too often. It is more that when that tends to occur I am less interested about the other person and her happiness as opposed to me just getting off. That just reminds me that the intention may have shifted too much toward the animal nature which after all has its goal to reproduce via orgasm. Once I am able to consistently shift back to balance when that occurs, even during the act itself, I feel it will become more and more satisfying as the balance is met with a very calm, non goal orientated mindset. From your posts you could probably relate to what I am getting at considering the anxiety that can come from worry about performance and ruin the whole experience. My take is that if that has been transcended successfully, then being able to maintain balance via bonding/Karezza with less peak orgasms and more valley orgasms should be a very doable goal and more in line with the Heart instead of the animal drives. I think this is felt when one has a very calm, safe and loving experience in the embrace and which starts to make the sex impulse secondary to the Loving feeling that comes up in your partners presence. It's like you want to melt with her but the melting isn't done out of wanting but out of Love, which may or may not have the intercourse component for the time being.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sat, 2010-02-27 11:16.

finding ways to put these ideas in words. It's so hard to do in a way that makes sense. It's almost as if you have to experience how the deep satisfaction can come from giving as opposed to satiation. That's why we encourage people to experiment in our book. Go back and forth...at least at three-week intervals (for the karezza), and see what you see.

Submitted by skeptic on Tue, 2010-03-02 14:59.

Being spiritual is a good goal, but there are certain practical realities for us right now. Is there a Maslow's hierarchy of relationships? I want to be closer with her and feel better about myself. One thing that is discussed elsewhere on this website is that couples often feel very passionate about each other early in the relationship and then it wears off---sometimes years later. Lately, I like that we have at least put an emphasis on being close physically at bedtime, something that we always had early on, but started to wane with life's pressures. This is satisfying for both of us right now. Right now, I will take baby steps.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Tue, 2010-03-02 17:27.

frequent and non-hungry touch are the most important qualities for that "fed" feeling. So those aren't baby steps. They're really important steps...and SO damned easy to slip away from.

Submitted by michael78 on Tue, 2010-03-02 18:04.

m78

Thanks for your great post skeptic. Good luck on your new experiments and practices.

Having gone through a few pregnancies myself with my wife, I was always told by the midwives that semen is very helpful to the birthing process as it softens the cervix as the woman's body prepares for delivery. Also, orgasm for a woman I think primes her body to prepare for delivery.

So, I very much agree with Marnia's ideas in her books regarding bonding behaviors as they leading to more intimacy and closeness among couples. Also, for males, abstaining from orgasm (or at the least masturbatory induced orgasms) leads to more professional success and achievement.

However, when procreation is the goal and the then the birth, I think the best advice is too f**k often and with much semen as possible. Sorry for the crudeness, but making babies is a dirty business. You will soon see that helping a baby through the birth canal is not a walk in the park either.

So, let the fluids fly. It helps the process, conception and delivery. After that, you can start the abstinence period with the 6 weeks of no orgasm and see where it goes from there. At that time, your couple goals will be different with bonding the sole goal.

Submitted by skeptic on Tue, 2010-03-02 18:29.

I have heard all of that too, but for medical reasons we are not having a natural birth. Happily, everyone is OK, and we have temporary circumstances that encourage us to try something new.

Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on Wed, 2010-03-17 14:16.

on your pregnancy. Our first was really hard on me. Being totally into orgasmic sex and needing, needing, needing it, I was not prepared to be a loving husband. With a babe that needed her more than me, I became another chore. After 6 years we separated, got back together, separated, got back together. I think you are on the right path and wish you well.

Submitted by skeptic on Wed, 2010-03-17 16:33.

I've often pondered what 10+ years of marriage and 3 kids and age will do to our sex life. At times, I've gotten too fixated on pointless thought about the way things were when we were younger. I really do believe that people need different things in their relationships at different times. We are very commited to each other. It will be interesting to see what happens when the mrs. is feeling better in a few weeks. In the meantime, it hasn't been that hard to avoid MB when turned on. Ironically, I am most tempted when anxious or depressed to give my brain a "reboot". I keep thinking that will be a bad cycle if I do it, so I am now working on 6 weeks with no orgasm. Neither of us is very into religion but now she is cheering me on to wait until after Lent smiley. The baby will be born by then.