Reaching for the simplest form of progress

I am not going to kid myself - while my recent return to aversion bubble solo binge behavior is not of the magnitude that such binges often were in the past, I am essentially guilty of binge behavior in the form of 3 episodes over the weekend - the 3rd was Sunday (yesterday), and therefore I am little more than 24 hours out of the last episode. Yes, I know that some times for many of us even a day or two - or even a few hours sometimes - is a success/positive step. But I am also brutally honest with myself to know that had I had opportunity and my past lack of control, I would have done so even more recently than yesterday. The only thing that has kept me "clean" is that I have not had a moment alone, have been with spouse, kids, spouse's family, or at work, after a tossing/turning night - a night that was a toss and turn because I wanted another episode - oddly enough, it was not purely - or "merely" - a libido-driven hunger thru the night, it was not appetite for orgasm. Unfortunately, I do know what it was.

I have long referred to this whole aspect of my life as being best represented by the cartoon shoulder angel and devil - but in internal struggles with it, I (as have others here) call it the beast/monster, or a dog barking incessantly. Oddly enough, for many of us, that actually makes it darker than it is on a perspective scale. It's not genuinely monstrous/beastlike in behavior - in their pure forms, I leave that terminology to the predators and rapists. But for those of us who so calmly and (as perceived by others) rationally walk thru and function (barely) in our ordinary day to day lives with work, friends, partners - we do know how razor thin our fine line of control is on it - we perceive our inner beast/monster/animal with the same level of fright, the same ugliness to it. And we fight back with a form of rage - in resisting, or in making the mistake of feeding the beast so it stops pulling on the chain - "here, I fed you the bare minimum, would you stop growling/barking and shut up and let me feel human for an hour, a day, a week?"