Step 2 - More Self-Control

I would label Monday a success.

As on previous mornings, I let my hand rest there, but I didn't want to start out the day with much temptation, so I didn't do the stimulate till I got a rush of feeling and then drop it. But thanks to the previous step's training, this usual trigger period went smooth, with little stimulation and no orgasm.

As the day went on, I remained busy enough at work. I did have some moments. Some rubbing (no one could see me in my office) through my pants raised some good feelings. And every time I went to pee, it felt so soft in my hands it begged for me to go with it. I did allow one time some stimulation till I got that initial rush, but then zipped it up and went back to work.

I was worried about lunch, because that can be another point where I'm susceptible. I don't always do it during my lunch time (I go home for lunch) but on occasion I do when I'm wanting it, and I was afraid I would be wanting it. But as it turned out, I ended up not taking a lunch break today. So didn't have any opportunity to battle that urge then.

My next concern was the evening. I often masturbate to orgasm at some time during the evening. However, I surprised myself there. One, I had to pick up my son from school at 8, so stayed dressed until coming home after picking up dinner. Then I changed into more comfortable clothing...more accessible clothing. But what did I do? I whipped it out and held it as I read stuff on line. I find if I keep myself occupied with other things, I can't stay hard and the feelings aren't very strong. I did get hard for a while, and I gently rubbed it which produced some nice feelings, but I didn't push it, and it eventually became soft.

And so my wife came to bed, and I focused on her for a while, and I've been on the computer, mostly on this site, reading and writing, until now it is just past 2 am, and Monday is gone. So for day one, I successfully abstained from orgasm.

"And there was much rejoicing. Yea!"

Which is big for me. I don't recall the last time I successfully abstained for a full day when I had opportunity to do it. I recall trying a few times earlier in the decade, and failing. It's been a while since I even bothered trying. I'd given up.

Now Wed. and Fri. will be bigger test, because I'll be going out of town and staying in a hotel by myself for a couple nights. It will be good opportunities to practice self-control, that's for sure. And who knows, I may surprise myself again. We will see.

An interesting day, and some revelations.

First off I have made it through Wednesday without an orgasm. I did play around some, more about that in a minute, but never allowed myself to even get to the edge of orgasm, that is, ejaculatory climax. I say that because in reality all the feelings leading up to the climax are orgasmic, and if you know what your doing, you can get some orgasms there better than a majority of ejaculatory climaxes. But for Wednesday, I never came close to a climaxing orgasm. And with only 8 minutes left as I write this (by the time I post it, it will be past midnight here), I think I'm safe to say I've made it another full day. So far, I'm on track with the plan.

Now, the interesting thing is I thought I would have more problems than this abstaining. I've certainly got a long ways to go on this test, and the real temptation may still be ahead. I don't want to get overconfident and careless. And when I tell you what I've been doing today, you're likely to wonder why I haven't slipped off the wagon yet.

Let me back up. After a successful day Monday abstaining, my first full day to intentionally abstain (even though I had opportunity and could have done it) in several years, I went into Tuesday with reason to rejoice, to celebrate. And I did reward myself, two Os that were both very enjoyable. (Sorry, don't mean to tempt anyone here.) Where due to holding off for a full day or other reasons, it felt really good Tuesday. And, whether due to the abstaining or not (I wasn't expecting any immediate results from that...but who knows? Could be other factors, however) I felt more energetic than I have in a while. Got a lot done at work, spent more time with my wife and kids, etc.

There could be other factors affecting that, like I can't recall for sure, but maybe more sleep. I know I got more sleep last night because I woke up an hour before my alarm went off. Still, after experiencing such great Os, twice that day, I expected less energy, more "hangover" affect. One of those Os was in the morning before heading off to work.

So I went into today wondering how I would do, especially after all of that, and due to taking my trip to a conference and I now am sitting in a hotel room as I type (yea! free internet!) I'm not going to lie, I messed around, a good bit. Some of those feelings were quite intense. But like I said, I never came close to a full climax orgasm.

It was then that I realized something I should have seen before, but sometimes it takes getting hit over the head with it to put two and two together.

For about two to three years, I participated in a forum based on a book about male multiple orgasms. And before you jump to conclusions, no it wasn't about going to the edge and then holding back. This was different, and why I latched onto it at the time. Instead, this method by a guy named Jack Johnson, involved slight stimulation and using a "key sound" trigger to amplify that feeling. As you practiced, you could build it to a fairly intense orgasm and have them roll over you for a good length of time. I recall doing that anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour. Some even went longer. But you controlled it so that you only stimulated yourself for a little bit, then stopped, used the sound, then wait for a few seconds as the response orgasm rolled back over you.

I got to the point where I didn't even need the sound anymore, I think my body had become accustom to responding in a particular way that the sound generated automatically, so I only had to stimulate myself a little bit for it to work.

Now there were two ways you could end this. One was simply to stop at some point and let the feelings die off. The other obviously is when you are ready, to start normal stimulation practices and go for the O, which after all of that were usually very intense. I personally tended to do the later.

But what hit me today after having messed around with myself, and the previous experiments of stimulating myself and then stopping, closing up shop and heading out, is that I've actually had some practice with this already. I've already been trained to experience great feelings, and then stop. I've just never applied them to abstaining from orgasm all together. I'd only thought about it in terms of experiencing pleasure. And I suppose you could say that this is a form of self non-orgasmic goal orientation.

So that must be why I seem to so easily do this. I've already worked these muscles before, just in a different context. And why this may not immediately work for anyone else who hasn't already done that kind of thing. So oddly enough, spending time learning how to have what I guess I'll call multiple sub-orgasms actually trained me to be able to abstain from orgasms themselves. .

Well, I'll still continue on the plan. I think one added feature that's also changed this time around is before I tried to abstain because I thought I should, but I didn't really want to. That made it easier to give in. But now, even though part of me wants to get that O feeling, part of me now really wants to abstain. In part because I want to find out how life is without it, and because for the first time in my life, I actually have some hope I can gain control of this. From the first time I experienced an orgasm, I craved more like a heroine addict. It's been hard to ever imagine that I would want not to do it. One part of my brain says it makes no sense to abstain. But I have to find out.

Anywho, two days down in the successfully controlling myself column.

Well, as I recall, a lot of the folk there did practice it solo, but there was also intended for it to be practiced with a mate during sex instead of having the traditional climax to the big O. And women could do this too, as it involved not going for a full climax O and using minimal stimulation, so it would work for women as well as men. But "male" was put on there because that's always the male "fountain of youth" prize is to bypass biology's limits on that and enjoy to your heart's content.

But as a rule, you generally learned it solo first. But I was wondering how similar in actual practice that was to the Karensa (sp) deal. Once I get into it, I may be able to have some observations of similar and differences.

I can see how it could be addictive. I guess for me it wasn't much more than regular orgasm itself because I generally tended to end there anyway once I grew tired of the orgasms. But I can see how someone could spend hours a day doing that, because often you could have great orgasmic waves just as intense as you best orgasms, only they were more gentler, like a rolling wave instead of a sharp rise and fall. I seemed to be tired of doing them after approaching an hour. But I could end it earlier if I wanted.

I think I sort of dropped it primarily because while those were good, and in some ways could greatly heighten regular orgasms, I think I felt a bit too focused on pleasure for pleasure's sake, so by and large I returned to just going for the big O most of the time. That said, I think I've always enjoyed the ride up even more, stretching it out a bit more, and if I didn't get to the big O, I still felt like I had an enjoyable time.

Thus, for me at this point, I think it helped in training me to be able to stop when needed, even in the midst of good feeling, whereas before I would have been like, "I have to get there! Keep going!" I couldn't drop it so easily. Still don't always want to, but at least if I have made up my mind I'm going to, i can do it and make it stick. So it was good in that way.

But that clicked as to why this was easier than I expected. I really thought I would fall more.

Well, headed now into Friday, another day of abstinence. And I'll have the trip back tomorrow.

Overall, a successful Friday. Nothing big to report, as such. Just no climax orgasm.

Week one on this new MWF abstain did okay. I want to take it even a step further next week, however, and do as little touching and playing as possible. I've experimented with self-control on the side of some stimulation but not to orgasm, so now I want to do some self-control of no touchie at all other than necessary things, like going to be bathroom.

That actually may be more of a challenge in many ways.

Should be a good test, as that means no sexual pleasure on those days, not even a little stimulation.

But that's where I need to go. We'll see what rebellion my body puts up about it all, and if I can say "no" well enough to that.

36 minutes into the 2nd Monday and doing good! Woot!

I'm getting plenty of opportunity today. I woke up an hour early this morning. Did my best to stay asleep until the alarm went off. Even then, I could have spent some time easily enough, but put the thoughts out of my mind and forced myself to get ready for work and head out when done.

Now, I'm home for lunch, and my wife and son went to go visit, so I'm alone in the house again during another one of my often trigger times.

And I've felt the desire this morning as I worked. All said, so far so good. My hands are staying away from it aside from necessities.

Just tell myself: a few more hours. Hang in there.

So far today, I've done well. Three more hours to go. Evenings are another time I tend to masturbate, so I'm trying to keep myself busy. Since I've been home, I've played Guitar Hero with my son, when and picked up my other son from band practice, and once home, just finished eating dinner and have been reading email and forums like this one, keeping caught up.

Next, I want to work on my novel again, get another chapter edited. That should take me close to midnight.

One thing I've noticed, today I've more dealt with my psychological addiction than physical . It wasn't until just a few minutes ago that I felt much of anything physically, after going to the bathroom. I could tell it was so gently calling to me for more stimulation. I said no and closed up shop. But most of the day in the few times I've handled it (mainly going to the bathroom), I've felt nothing physically demanding I satisfy it.

But, I had some desire, and it was mostly because my body says, "Hey, by now we've always done something. What gives?" It's operating on Pavlov's response, like a dog sitting by the door, waiting for you to let it out, and when you don't it simply cannot understand why not. You always have before. So times that I would normally consider doing it, and I could have done it at any one of those points today, including right now I could easily...hum....hold on a minute...............just kidding!

Point being, I've had plenty of opportunity today and my mind wants me to take advantage of them like I normally do. It has a real hard time understanding why I would pass up a perfectly good opportunity for a little fun and enjoyment. What's the harm? Strange all the little mind games I play with myself, attempting to justify what I want to have happen, even though I know I need to get control over it, not it over me. Means I've got to break out of the reality my mind has created ("You're missing out!) and develop a new reality, rewiring the brain, as you say. It's got to learn that I'm no longer going to respond like a dog to its song.

But I know it won't be easy. Will be even harder when that is mixed with a literal physical crying out for satisfaction. But like a parent dealing with a two-year-old throwing a fit, I've got to outlast it until it cries uncle. And keep outlasting it over and over again.

Anyway, I think I'm going to make it today. I can last another three hours. I sort of put my mind into "not think about it" mode, because if I let myself focus on how much I want it, it will eventually build into a raging storm that I can't resist. So, keeping myself occupied with other activities and thoughts, except right now as I evaluate this.

Today is the least stimulation in a day it's had in many a year. At least when I've had to pass up perfectly good opportunities. I think my body is realizing something is up. I expect the real battles to come the more I do this, and especially when I shoot to go a whole week without later on in step 3.

Yes, I did make it past midnight.

And without the ice water.

Forgot yesterday to post my update. Just too much going on, not because I bombed.

Really, not much to report. I had one small moment of light touching and it hardened, but then stopped before it went too far. Okay, actually someone came home so I *had* to stop. . But it didn't go far.

Otherwise, I kept my hands off and while there were moments I wanted to, I didn't relent.

It seems the more I do this, the more I'm believing despite past fall offs, I can do this. That has been one of the benefits to building myself up to it, I'm mentally getting to the point where I can seriously think about going for the long haul. Before I think there would have been an inner "I'm not so sure I like this very much" feeling if I had just jumped into it. I know not everyone should do it this way, but so far for me, it seems to be working.

The next real big test will be when I go a week without it. For now, though, I'm going into my second Friday.

But I also realized that today, 3/12, is the first monthly anniversary of finding this site and making a commitment to work toward this.

That means, I have gone 28 days with no porn of any kind, and only two or three times I've been seriously tempted to find some. Thankfully, deleting my porn stash from my hard drive most likely prevented the strongest of these times to cause me to get sucked back into it. I think if I still had vids of myself, I would have watched them, and then the rest would follow.

Still continuing to make good contact with my wife. She hasn't read your book yet, Marnia. Once she digs into it we'll probably have stuff to talk about, and the "orgasm oriented sex" will be one of them. I'm hoping she'll be open to experimenting with it.

I did tell her of my plans to abstain. Just to relate where her mind is on that, she said that it seems something that is so natural can't be wrong. I've described the basic premises, but I think it will help her to read the book and see the basis behind it.

But we already had a bonding relationship. But it could be improved upon. There are times where she feels distant from me, and I think those are times when we don't have a lot of contact. So keeping up basic contact seems more important, to make it an intentional event and not just when I feel like it, or worse yet, want something.

So, it seems the main improvement to make is in the m/o arena. First two weeks I abstained in the mornings, successfully aside from the one time I gave myself permission. Then last week I started this "Step 2" where I abstain for whole days at a time, Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. So far, batting 100%. I abstained from climax orgasm last week, and this week for Monday and Wednesday, I'm not even touching it at all, other than basic necessities. I've only slightly messed up on that by rubbing it for a little while before I had to stop. But otherwise, no masturbation on those days, and no where near to a climax orgasm.

So, now I'm going into Friday 2, where I put myself to the test again. Again, I'm still surprised I've not fallen off the wagon yet. I don't want to get overconfident, but I'm feeling stronger about being able to control this. Cautiously optimistic. The week abstaining will be a bigger test, as I've only gone that long a handful of times in my life without it. So I know it is possible, but the chance of slipping up also gets bigger as it will be harder to tell myself, "You can refrain, just hold out four more days!" *Groan* I'm not looking forward to that part. But at least I can still offer myself a "reward" if I reach the end without m/o. So I'm hoping that it's not forever and that there is something to look forward to success will give me the motivation to get through a week without it.

So, come on Friday. I'm ready for ya! [tanz]

Well, I have some good news, and some not so good news.

The good news first. I went through Friday orgasm free. I messed with it very briefly at one point, but otherwise kept my little hands away from it. So, for the first week of totally keeping my hands off on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, hit 100% with only a couple times doing some minor stimulation. So I felt good overall about this week and the progress I'm making.

But Saturday I had a fall out. Not on the masturbation front, since I'm allowing myself all I want (and though I messed around some, I only had one early Saturday morning, not too long after midnight, and one this evening). Saturday is a free day.

But strangely enough, the porn has hit. And in the most odd way. I had gone out this evening and while driving back home (45 minute drive) I had been thinking about all this stuff, trying to evaluate where I'm at and such, when it suddenly dawned on me something I'd forgotten. Back before I had my laptop, when I first started saving some of these porn vids of myself and stuff I took off the Internet, I had put them on CD at first, so I could hide them and didn't have to worry that my wife or kid would get on the computer and accidentally find a vid of me masturbating. Since getting my laptop, I'm the only one who knows the password, or ever gets on it, and so I had them on my hard drive in an out of the way place that few, if any, would ever find unless they were really looking for them.

But initially I had these vids on a CD and stored it in a spot few would find, with the innocent title "Stuff." Now, it been years since I've used that disk, and I didn't even know if I still had it or not. But when I remembered its existence was possible it was like I split into two different people.

One part of me rejoiced that maybe those vids of me were still accessible. As if it had been depressed this whole time since I'd deleted them off the computer. So that part of me prayed that I still had the disk and that the files were still accessible. And it demanded that if I did find it, I would have to watch it.

The other side of me thought, "I hope its not there! I don't want to break my streak. I don't want to have to go on the site and report I'd slipped on this."

But the other side was so excited at the prospect that maybe I still had them after all, they weren't gone forever, that I knew it would be an uphill battle if I found them to not watch them.

Well, to make a long story short, I arrived at the house, and after eating and such, I searched. At first I couldn't find it, and I began to relax. But then I remembered the spot. I opened the drawer, and there it was. Stuff. Very odd to rejoice and mourn at the same time.

I popped it in and the list of files showed up. I clicked on one and the system locked up. Obviously a bad file. Bottom line, all but one of the vids of me were fine, and a couple of porn vids of others (ones I didn't have on my hard drive previously, these must have been ones I'd deleted off a long time ago).

Once everyone was asleep, I watched. And I masturbated, and I orgasmed. And I have to admit, it was really good.

So one part of me won tonight, the other part is lamenting starting back at day 1 after having gone 29 days without it. And on top of that, what I thought I'd dealt with I'm now facing again. Now I have to bring myself to the point of deleting these and destroying the CD. But the other part of me is rebelling at the idea. It hated that I'd lost them to begin with. So now it is putting up more of a fight. It doesn't want to lose them again.

And I'm wondering if I do try to delete them at this point, if I wouldn't just be inflaming the desire for them to the point I might end up out on the web again, just for spite. At least I didn't go there, but I didn't have to. The vids are all fresh and new now, not to mention the joy of seeing them again, like long, lost friends. At least, that's what it feels like. You can see how hard this will be.

So I think before I can think about deleting these and smashing the CD, I have to get back into the right frame of mind again on it all. I may make better progress from this point to let them be, but just not go to them, not allow myself to binge on them. Keep this a one slip up time, and get back in the wagon and move the horses along.

But at some point, that means I'll have to deal with them again.

So, success on the masturbation front, so far. A slip up on the porn front. And I don't know at this point if I can avoid a binge, though I'm going to try. I'll have to ride this bronco for a bit and tame him again.

I did try to evaluate the effects of the porn on me, and the resulting post-orgasmic effects. Not sure just yet. Will probably say more on it later. But at this point, I'm wanting to make this a rare occurrence, rather than a frequent one. So I need to see if I can rein in this horse before it gallops across the countryside, dragging me along with it.

Not me, but the vids.

It happened this way. I masturbated this afternoon, but had a little trouble. My old programming kicked in, "Just watch the vid of yourself." So after wrestling with the idea a while I gave in and did. Then found myself viewing the one not-me vid that was on that disk.

After the orgasm, frustrated at my old programming gaining the upper hand again, I told myself, "All right. If I have to watch that one more time to climax, those vids are gone."

This evening, I went at it again. After some time had passed, I couldn't get there, even though it continued to feel good. I watched it one more time.

Right after the orgasm, I deleted the files off my drive, and took the CD and broke it. Now they are gone. I'm sure my other self will lament their passing...again. But I warned it. Now maybe I can gain some control back over this, as I've yet to allow myself to venture onto the web for porn. And that's what these vids would eventually end up doing to me once they started to not have quite the effect.

Besides, I'm going into Monday, my next abstinence day, and I didn't want to go into it with those vids hanging over my head, tempting me to watch them.

So I didn't think about it much, just did it. I knew it had to be done. I couldn't just leave them alone, apparently.

Now I can breath deep, get my bearings, and relax.

I think this thought had flashed through my mind before, but now that it has stopped back in for a visit again, I'd better get it down while I can.

I realized that many report here about after having not masturbated or had orgasm for a while, that they become more socially enticing to women.

Now, since I'm not single, I hadn't given that a whole lot of thought. I have no desire to become enticing to a bunch of women that I have to chase away with a club. Though I admit the effort would have a certain ego stroking appeal.

But then I thought it would be on other aspect to my intended abstinence starting in May when I want to go for about a month at least with no orgasm. Notice how much more my wife is attracted to me, wants me, etc. Normally, she has her days. On occasion, she'll be the one to initiate sex. Most of the time I do, but she always acts ready to go if there isn't some reason she can't.

But if I notice her acting more loving and desirous around me three weeks into this, it would be one indication that this is working.

Now that the third Monday is past, I can talk about it. BTW, I think I said three weeks on this stage, but I realized later that the week of Easter is four weeks, not three. So after this week, I'll have one more week before I head into stage 3 -- going without for several days: Monday - Saturday. So 6 days. It will be a big test.

Anyway, on my third Monday of abstinence, I was not feeling very well. Had some type of throat problem, possibly strep. And today my boss and co-worker kept telling my how horrible I looked. When I came back home, I took my temperature, but it read normal. But despite that, I did feel low energy and a little muddleheaded.

Avoided orgasm and even masturbation without any problems this morning. Worked all day without a lunch break, though I got off work early. Spent time going through on-line stuff, played Guitar Hero with my son, then watched some TV. Suddenly, it's past midnight. I think a combination of not feeling all that great and keeping myself busy resulted in not even having a serious bout of "Oh, I would really like to do it right now." Even after midnight passed, I didn't just jump on it...still haven't. I may go to bed without it tonight. We'll see.

So, check off another day into the success column of controlling the urge today, though I didn't feel like I really had to work with it or resist significantly.

And this is day one with no porn as well, after my weekend porn attack and battles. I guess my brain knows its gone, because not so much as a peep out of it as far as porn goes...not even remorse that they are most definitely gone now. I said I would try and evaluate the event a bit more, so here it goes.

I knew I felt some remorse that the vids had been deleted from my hard drive. But I didn't worry about it much. That too would pass. It was done and there wasn't anything I could do about it, so let the old side of me softly cry in the corner that they were gone.

But that set me up, when I realized the possibility that I may still have some laying around I'd forgotten about. Because when that rose to my mind, it was as if my old self that lamented the porn raged full force in happy rejoicing and demanded if I found them, that I absolutely [b]HAD[/b] to watch them. And I knew I would lose the argument, as much as I didn't want to go down that road again.

One thing this did do, as strange as it may seem, is I had a more definitive closure on it. I got to watch the ones I really liked a couple more times before getting rid of them, so in an odd sort of way, it was like getting a real chance to say goodbye. Maybe that will help. Because previously I hadn't watched them in several days when I deleted them. I had the idea that maybe I should view some of them one more time before deleting them, but didn't feel I wanted to ruin the record and start over. So I deleted them, and I sort of wonder if perhaps part of the rebellion of my old self was the fact that I deleted them without watching some of them one final time.

So this event allowed me to do that with the favorite vids of myself, and one vid of a couple of girls doing their thing that I had forgotten about, but at least for me was pretty hot. So, now the brain has had its closure, and maybe this will be the last we'll hear of it. I can move on.

When I made the "deal" with myself that if I ended up watching them one more time to masturbate, that I would delete them, that helped set things up. Because I know how much easier it is to delete them right after orgasm. On top of that, I was a little angry about finding them and falling off the wagon. So unlike this time, I didn't pause when I deleted them. I grabbed the CD and broke it. Now I know there are no more. So I feel if there was any positive results from this last weekend mini-binge on my old porn vids, its that it sealed the lid on the deal.

It's always possible I could go out on the net and watch. While some of the vids I deleted are no where to be found or hard to find because I doubt the sites that had them are still up and running, there are several of my old vids that I know where I can find them on the Internet. They are out there waiting for me.

But so far, I have a wall about going on the Internet for porn. I think I can safely avoid that. Because the only way I ended up going there in the first place was when I got tired of the ones I had on my hard drive and I wanted something fresh. Without my gateway porn vids, I believe I can stave off any desire to jump on the net and go watch my favs.

The experience also reminds me of two things. One, as I said before, I can quit for a while, its not eventually returning to it at some point that has been the hard part. I keep finding my way back there. But I hope steps I've taken will prevent that from happening so readily in the future, and I'll go longer than 29 days without it before giving in.

Two, I am human, and susceptible to those old patterns. I've got a ways to go. Something I thought I wouldn't have a problem with bit me in the rear, while the masturbation which I thought I would have troubles with, so far I've done exceedingly well, better than I expected. Recognizing that when its happening and stopping it will be the key.

But Monday was good. Very quiet on the lymphatic side of the brain.

Finished my third Wednesday in this working on control stage.

Went pretty smooth, especially considering I was home all day, sick. But the sickness was mostly a sore throat, which hasn't seemed to affect my sexual feeling much. Only I've been tired today so I slept a lot. But there is any number of points today I could have masturbated, but I didn't.

I seem to easily find myself in those days in the right frame of mind for this, of just not thinking about it much. Once I throw in any doubt, that's when I have trouble. But if I'm a firm "No, I'm not doing it during this time," it seems my mind pretty much gives up and doesn't demand anything.

But in a week and a half I'll up the ante even further with a whole week of abstinence. That should give me a better idea how all this is going.

So far, so good in week three of stage 2. And no cravings to look at porn.

No, didn't fall into it again, but my brain tried. Today is one of my "free" days. And most of these free days between days of abstinence, I usually have at least one orgasm. But I had a problem today. I masturbated four different times, but couldn't get there, not until the very last try shortly before midnight. (Whew!)

But leading up to that, while I could get varying stages of hardness, the feeling just wasn't there. And no matter how much I did, all day, I couldn't seem to even get close to an orgasm. Which frustrated me because my mind knew that if I didn't have one today, then I would have to abstain all day Friday, which means I would go orgasm free for three whole days! (I know, some of you are laughing, .)

But it became a real desire to get there, not a good place. But coming down to the wire, and beginning to think I simply wasn't going to have one today, the thought hit me that I could most likely get there if I'd go on the net and watch some porn. And when I said, "No" to that, that I would rather go without an orgasm than to watch porn, it slyly suggested that I just go to the site, not click on the videos, but just look at the pictures they have on there. Duh. Did my brain think I was born yesterday? (It should know.)

Having turned down definitively that suggestion, I had decided I wouldn't have one today. But then, as you might expect, it happened. I can hear Maxwell Smart saying, "Ah, the old don't-give-it-to-them-until-they-don't-want-it trick!"

So, it appears my brain, having had some success this past weekend, is still trying for more. I just have to keep saying, "No way, Hosea." Not that my brain is called Hosea, you understand. It's just a saying. Anyway....

"Mean Genes," I'll have to look into that one.

Well, the third Friday in my Step 2 cycle has gone under the belt. Wow, three weeks and no slip ups on the masturbation end of things. Though there have been some times I played around a little, I've not had an orgasm once on a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday for three weeks. These last two weeks, I've rarely messed with it, and when I have, very little.

This Friday I thought about masturbation more. I think my body was a little more sensitive than yesterday, and the whole "don't watch the porn" fight probably highlighted that. Actually, I've played around with it more than I normally do. Both in the morning and the evening, not far from the midnight hour. But neither time came close to a climax. So my mind certainly was more focused on it than it has been of late.

But despite that, I felt pretty much in control all day. No really big struggles, and that puts three weeks behind me, and one more week of Stage 2, before I head into (drum roll please), Stage 3: six days straight of abstinence. That will certainly be more of a test, I think, as it has been a few years since I made it past one week. I think the last time was in Nov of 2004, when I crashed and burned over Thanksgiving weekend. Holidays just seem to call for "celebration!" And a good orgasm seems to be a way to celebrate. I say, "Okay, just one," and then I binge. Not only binge, but the binge becomes "normal" for me cause I give up.

So looking forward to this final week, and going through the final test before I head into the time off stage, and then hit the really big Stage 5, to go for 21+ days of abstinence and find out what life is like on the "balanced" side.

And on the porn side, this week is free, so now back to 6 days porn free. Or to look at it another way, I've watched porn and masturbated to it three times in the last 35 days, so 33.5 out of 35 days porn free since I started abstaining at all.

Starting the fourth and final week of Stage 2.

Monday went fairly well. I'm relaxing a bit, in that I was home by myself a lot today because family was gone. So before I left for work, during lunch, I had free reign of the house. So I decided to allow myself some play time, but no orgasm, as a coping mechanism and to "retest" that control.

I played around three times, but no orgasm. I keep thinking, "Surely I'm going to slip up here sometime soon..." Next week will be the bigger test, and more likely time to slip. But I do feel like these past weeks have been a confidence booster and give me a sense that I can control this thing. So I'm interested to see how next week goes.

No temptation to watch porn. Not much need to, really, since most of the time it felt good and I wasn't going for orgasm. So overall, a nice Monday.

Nothing really big to report on that front other than everything is proceeding as planned.

The last Wednesday on this step went without a hitch. I stayed pretty busy all day, so no serious points of temptation. I didn't even really mess with myself at all either.

So, not much to report...which is good!

I did notice one thing. Sensitivity and responsiveness. Monday, as I noted above, I played around without climaxing, I recall about three times. One of those times came close.

When Tuesday rolled around, I masturbated about three times, but only one of those times did I actually climax with an orgasm, and that after a lot of "work" to get there. Tuesday it simply wasn't very responsive. I'm not aware of any particular reason other than the fact that I may have "worn it out" the day before. But as Tuesday was drawing to a close (midnight approached) and I would be going into the "no-climax-zone," I didn't have much energy to try and get one more in before time ran out. Instead, I read email and checked forums like this one and others I visit as a writer. Midnight came and went, and I went to bed early Wednesday morning.

Went through yesterday without hardly touching it except to go to the bathroom. Watched TV until nearly 1:00 am this morning (about an hour and a half ago) before shutting it off. Then I masturbated, and the response was much better. It felt better overall, and it reached climax without any pushing or frantic activity. It had a steady increase in feeling and punch until I climaxed. That's compared often to feeling good, usually get hard, but then it softens, feeling comes and goes (more going than coming sometimes), and either with enough time, attention, and work, it finally will climax, or I end up giving up at some point and move on.

I've noticed this before as well. If I pretty much ignore it all day when I abstain, the first time back to it is usually easier to get to climax. Now, I know it doesn't always work that way. I can recall some times when I've gone a couple days or so without orgasm simply because circumstances forced me to focus on other things, and I simply didn't have the time or opportunity. Like visiting relatives, or to attend a funeral, etc. I can go 2-4 days without orgasm in those situations. And I've recalled some times when I came back to orgasm thinking, "O man, this should feel really great," but instead, felt quite muffled and the climax not so climatic.

That said, I think all things being equal, not doing it every day, and certainly not 2+ times a day, will lead to greater sensitivity and responsiveness in feeling when you are ready to have an orgasm, like sex with a partner, or even masturbation.

Anyway, something that jumped to my attention this last go around, based on how easy it was to reach climax an hour and a half ago after ignoring it for 24+ hours. Whereas messing with it, even if not reaching orgasm, seems to dull it significantly, and make it harder to reach climax.

I've started Friday #4 in Step 2, the last week.

And interesting things happened as I headed into this day. Around 12:30am Thursday morning, once Wednesday was over, as I mentioned above, I had an orgasm, which came easily. Thursday morning when I woke up, I masturbated for a while, some good feelings but didn't get to orgasm. Went to work, stayed busy all day, meetings until I finally came home around 9:30pm. I had a shorter lunch break than usual, so no real chance to jump on it then.

So you would think in the 2.5 hours I had before the next day of abstinence hit, that I would get another one in. I watched TV. I spent time on the Internet. I was aware my time was running out, but you know what? I didn't have any feeling that I was going to "miss out" if I didn't do it. It was like my mind was thinking, "Hum, would be nice, but I can leave it. I would rather do what I'm doing."

Did I really just think that? Me? Let an opportunity pass by without so much as a shrug? My mind must be changing. In essence, as I write this, I haven't had an orgasm for 24 hours, since last night before this hour. And I'm going into my official day of abstinence. So I could easily have gone for a full 48 hour period without orgasm, and not even having stimulated it since waking up Thursday morning.

This is encouraging as I head into Step 3, going for several days in a row without orgasm. If I can stay in this frame of mind, though I expect some bodily cravings at some point when my mind realizes I haven't done it for more than a day or two, I may be able to get through this week in good form. We will see.

The proof will be in the pudding, as they say. But at this point, it feels like I'm fully in control, and the self-control exercises I've done over the past month and a half have paid off.

Tomorrow, probably around midnight, I'll make a final post on this Step thread and where I'm going from here, which I think I've figured out more. But I'm ready for Step 3 now. While I don't want to let my guard down and get over confident, I feel as if I have a lot more confidence in my ability to actually pull this off than I've had before starting all this.

And for me, that's a big step. I can actually feel some excitement, anticipation, and desire to get into the next week. That was inconceivable back on Feb 12 when I first ran across this site and gave some thought to abstaining. I wanted to run from this site, not go there, don't even think about it. The idea of abstaining simply felt and sounded antithetical to my whole desire and way of thinking about this. So I took the approach of moving into this bit by bit to get my mind to the right place.

And I'm totally pleased with how that turned out. I now don't have a fear of it, but want to actually embrace it as a lifestyle. Oh, there's still part of me down inside that doesn't like the idea, but it is no longer the dominate voice either. If what I'm feeling on all this is any indication, I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll be able to go all next week without orgasm, maybe even very little, if any, masturbation. It's like I'm at a place where I'm okay going without it. It's no longer this "radical and impractical" goal I've never been able to obtain before.

And if I do slip up, despite all this, I have a feeling I'll be able to deal with it much better than I have in the past. Not only because of my progress, but because I know I'll have the support of everyone here to help me get back up and keep rolling.

Thanks!

So here I am, just over 30 minutes away from finishing Stage 2. Beginning Monday, I'll be headed into Stage 3 of this plan.

And as I just mentioned, today my body wanted it more, begged more than it did yesterday, and I fed it some dog bones, but not the whole meal. "Stay, boy. Stay!"

So while I've had a small handful of "close calls" during Stage 2, I successfully avoided orgasms every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for four weeks in a row. That probably cut down the number of times I masturbated to orgasm by 1/3, but that in itself wasn't so much the goal. Rather, the goal was training my body to listen to me, and refusing to allow my body to demand when it wanted it.

I could have been firmer a few times, like today. Even though I didn't have an orgasm, I took it fairly close. I didn't do the edging thing where you squeeze it shut (that's never worked for me). I just didn't let it go too far. I know not everyone can do that successfully, but I seem fairly "good" at it. But there were two weeks there where I also told my body I wasn't even going to stimulate it at all, and except for one time, I think I successfully held off on that as well. I relaxed a bit more this week, obviously.

But the goal of telling my body when it could have it and when it could, and not letting it decide when it wanted it, I think has helped me become more confident that I can go longer now. Before I started this, I really questioned whether I could make it even a couple of days. I mean, the last few times I had tried to refrain was just for one day (much like I've done for these past four weeks) and I couldn't even last one day. After a few times in row of not making it even one day, I had given up. I'm hopeless. Thus, you see, the reason why I had to get my mind in the right place, and prove to myself that I could do this.

I guess if I had fallen flat on my face these past four weeks, I wouldn't be contemplating moving onto Stage 3. But as it turned out, I was much more successful than I expected. I thought I would slip up some, at least two or three times. But I didn't. I told my body what it could have and when it could have it, and though it complained a few times, it obeyed. Cool feeling.

So for me, at any rate, this working on the mind and the self-control has been helpful. I think it has brought me to a place where I can not only look at next week and believe I have a good chance of abstaining all week, but that I'm actually looking forward to doing that! :O

So, starting Monday I will be starting a new thread for Stage 3 - 6 days of abstinence bliss. It starts Monday and ends sometime Sunday (on Easter - Celebrate!). And I told my wife (she's in on what I'm doing) that she can break my orgasm fast (just seems better if she does it).

So what am I shooting for on stage 3?

1. I'm first doing it in part for religious reasons. It is Holy Week, I'll be going to services every night (which in itself will help--keep me busy in the evenings). It seems appropriate to "fast" orgasms during this time to more fully focus on God and not be wrapped up in myself. I have traditionally attempted to do this most every year, but failed most years. I think I had some success several years ago, but the last few years, certainly not. I usually have had one by Tuesday, most certainly by Wednesday most years.

2. I'm also putting all this training to the test, graduating to the next step, taking it to the next level. Now that I've successfully abstained for three days out of each week, for four weeks, the next step is to go a week. Both to continue to work that self-control muscle, as well as to see if this plan is having an effect. I'll not only be gaging whether or not I avoid orgasms for these six days, but also how well I can stay away from stimulating it at all, and how well my self-control training can pull me back when my mind wants to play tricks on me to give in slightly here or there, trying to break down my defenses. It will be a test of my new self-control I've been working on for the past month and a half.

3. If all goes well, which I'm feeling I'll at least do a lot better than I've done in the past, if not be 100% successful, it will also be a confidence boaster for my big run, what I'm working myself up toward. If I can make it a week, then I'll have more confidence I can make it four weeks.

So that's what I'm hoping to accomplish in this next stage. And to notice how I feel during the whole thing, the temptations and struggles I might have as I'm more likely to experience more withdraw issues this time around. These past four weeks, I could always tell myself, "Just hang in there for a few more hours, then you can do it." So the promise of a release and reward was sort of a hanging carrot that helped me be successful. This week, my mind isn't going to be too happy when I say, "Just hang in for another four days, then you can do it." It will scream back, "But I can't wait that long!" And if my self-control is built up well enough, and I can keep my mind in the right place, I'll be able to say "Oh yes you can!"

But I do have a carrot. And it's kind of a big one for me, so I'm hoping it will help: Stage 4

Stage 4 may not make a lot of sense to folk here. Basically, stage 4 will be "free time." Depending on how things go, I think I'm going to not push to have it, but when it feels like the right time, I'll do it. I'm not going to have days where I'm abstaining specifically, unless I just feel it is getting out of control and I need to pull it back in. But otherwise, from Easter until the week after May 15th (our 28th anniversary), there won't be any specific restraints on when, or number allowed.

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There is three. One, after a fairly intense time of abstaining, I want to back off, not stress myself out, not burn myself out. Get through the week of abstinence, then I've succeeded. Now time to back off so that my mind and body don't totally freak out. It's giving myself space to absorb the experience, and lets my mind and body know that I'm not automatically and totally ditching orgasms all together. It's an experiment at this point.

Two, I'm putting out a big carrot (that hopefully I can see from "far" away on this side of the week), because if I'm successful at avoiding orgasm, and I do good at avoiding stimulation (not saying it has to be 100% perfect, the main thing is orgasm) for the whole Stage 3 period, then I get this fourty days or so of freedom from any restrictions on withholding. Withhold if I feel like it (and I'm hoping to find out how much I really feel like saying, "Eh, I don't need it today,) but I'm not going to push not to do it.

However!, if I end up having an orgasm even once during this coming week (Monday through Saturday), then for those forty days I will require myself to abstain on Wednesdays and Fridays, and give myself only the first week after Easter completely "free time" instead of the whole 40 days. I'm thinking that may be a big enough "reward" for being faithful this coming week that it will give me more of a reason to do so.

Three, because my anniversary's on May 15th, I wanted to wait until after then to start back on this in earnest.

Stage 5 will happen the week after May 15th, where I will begin abstinence on Wednesdays and Fridays, if I haven't already been doing them. That will last for two weeks.

Then Stage 6 will be complete abstinence beginning May 31st all the way through the end of June. That's the time period I will try to evaluate how getting out of that 3 week cycle affects me.

After that, it will depend on how Stage 6 goes, and what I decide to do with all this by that point. I'll know when I get there, I suppose.

So, it is now after midnight, and I'm ready to take it easy before heading into the big week!