My Home Sex Videos

Thanks for the responses.

I did notice that these tapes - actually they are videos on my computer - CAN be a first step towards porn. And it's not like I can ask someone to hold these for me. But with this knowledge I am confident I can avoid looking at them. If I slip up once though, I am deleting them.

The link between porn and ED couldn't me be clearer for me. I'd follow this cycle:

stop enjoying sex and even masturbating to porn (but do it anyway) -> give up porn -> get better erections and more pleasure out of masturbation and sex -> think I'm cured -> go back to porn -> go tp step 1

During the bad times, even when I did manage to get it up for a real woman, that sensation just wasn't there. I wasn't enjoying it, just doing it because I though it it would help to get me back on track.

Now I can see that the opposite is needed: give up all orgasm for a while, rebalance, and take the psychological pressure off myself.

I am not even going to talk women for the first month. Normally I talk to almost every woman that catches my eye wherever. But I just need to put this part of my life on hold and just hang out with friends and family.

Can't wait for the articles. Any idea when you'll publish it?

Aphrodites Chela,

Took your advice and got some shots of my hard dick. Want me to post?

I kid, I kid.

Anyway...

Day 8:

Last week wasn't great, but not too bad. My main symptoms are fatigue, inability to concentrate on work, and desire to isolate and not deal with anyone.

Today is the worst day yet. But it doesn't matter because this time around I know WHY I feel this way. That makes things so much easier.

I spent years trying to explain my fatigue and lack of focus. I thought I had a sleeping disorder and went in for a sleep test - no issues. I tried a dozen or so different diets, adding and removing potential culprits - no change. I tried all kinds of supplements. I researched all sorts of things.

I had quit caffeine and weed to see if that helps - it didn't. But it was probably a good idea to stop using those two substances anyway. I got a great education on a number of subjects in my quest, but no solution to my fatigue and lack of focus problem.

The only thing I managed to note definitively after a years of on a off experimentation is that the fatigue comes and goes in cycles. It's bad one week, better the next week. Some weeks are not bad at all, although it's always there.

Now I am hopeful because the puzzle pieces fit. I had been hopeful before, but never as hopeful as I am today.

It was a blessing in disguise that I started to develop ED and that the colors disappeared from my life. I considered that porn may have something to do with ED, but never thought the fatigue could be caused by the constant state of withdrawal from porn/orgasm. Good to see that many are reporting it as a withdrawal symptom.

So I am going to go 60 days with no orgasm and see what happens. Even if the fatigue doesn't go away entirely, it will improve. At least I really hope it will.

I am not sure I'm ready to give up orgasm with a partner. It feels like a loss. So I'll probably have orgasmic sex with a partner after my 60 day abstinence. But I'll keep track of how orgasm is affecting m fatigue and will eventually try kareezaa (sp?).

Full of Hope,
tripleg

Thanks.

And I do have someone to snuggle with.

Update:

Last Wed and Thu (Days 10 and 11) were the worst. Things are picking up.

I am on Day 17. Things are staring to clear up a little bit. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still pretty tired, but less so. I am able to exercise and focus on work more. I find women in the streets pleasant to look at again.

I am definitely notice that I want to masturbate when I am feeling out of it to bring myself back up. But now I recognize that it's just going to set off another cycle. It's much easier to resist the craving with this knowledge.

The withdrawal sucks, but resisting cravings hasn't been hard for me at all. I think it's partly because I have experience with quitting addictive things and partly because I had reached my rock bottom where I just knew things have to change. Another thing is the awareness of what's happening and why I feel how I feel.

And no desire to watch my home videos. But now I'm thinking I might delete them anyway. I don't feel like I need hold on to them anymore.
I think deleting them would symbolize parting with the old me. Although once you delete them, there's no recovering them, so I'm still a bit hesitant

Thanks everyone for your support. I'll try to keep this thread going with periodic updates in hopes that it helps someone else beat their addiction.

Peace.

Here's how I coped:

-Spent every weekend at my parents'. Spent time with my parents just watching TV. I don't normally watch TV, but being close to them helped. Plus my brother is there, so hang out with him. And last but definitely not least is the family dog. He really knows how to give affection. I'd let him lick my face and we'd play and cuddle. He's a big boy.

-I have a female friend with benefits, but the benefits are that she like to come over once a week and just cuddle as we watch a movie. She's a virgin and it's probably a good idea for us to never have sex given her history. But it's so liberating for me to let go of the pressure I put on myself to have sex. Especially when I developed porn related ED, I always tried to will my penis to get hard so I can have sex. Also I am learning to let go of the NEED to have sex. In the past if I woman that was romantically interested in me was at my place, I would single-mindedly pursue sex. But now I can just relax and be.

-I have another female friend. We used to date briefly last fall. She dumped me because I wouldn't offer exclusivity, but we're great friends and she likes hanging out with me. There's sexual tension btw us, but she is seeing somebody else. She doesn't mind hugging and snuggling and that suits me just fine now-a-days. I am sure her BF would flip out if he ever found out. I love women

-Exercise. Do as little or as much as you can. The other day I was so on edge that I started to workout at 11 PM. I wasn't gonna get to sleep anyway, so at least I got a workout in. I used to workout regularly. I am a weighlifter and soccer player. But lately I had been so tired and unmotivated that my workouts sucked. My motivation and zeal for working out are coming back.

-Go outside. I work inside. So going outside for walks helps. Just get some fresh air.

-Hang out with friend and call them on the phone. My best friend is an ex-gf. We broke up 8 years ago, but remained great friends. She is my confidant. I told her my deal and what I was going through. She's been supportive.

*** I think the main thing is to get as close to as many people as you can. Your life circumstances may be different. Maybe you'll have to join some sort of a group for activity. Is there a class or workshop you always wanted to take? Now is a great time.

I am an atheist, but a funny thing happened. I was passing by a church and decided to walk in. I sat in the back row, just like did in school. It was a really soothing place to be. No, I didn't find Jesus, but it was an interesting experience. If you're religious, get into your religion more.

That's all I got for now. Will let you know if I think anything else.

Stay Strong, my brothers.

Not sure how to add it, but you have my permission to add it wherever you like.

By the way-

Finishing up the book. Thanks for writing it. Lots of food for thought.

I am experiencing lots and lots of resistance I am 27, so I tell myself I'll have orgasms with multiple partners and around 40 I'll settle down with a Kareeza partner I love my brain.

Day 23:

Looks like withdrawals come in waves.

Yesterday was pretty bad again. Maybe the worst day yet. Brain fog, can't focus on a thing, waking up in the middle of the night, just out of it..

Today was a little better. Hopefully tomorrow will be even better. I think this is going to take a while, but will be totally worth it.

I also notice that I'm always evaluating the sexiness of nearly every woman I see. It's not healthy. I never thought much of it, but now I see I need to make a conscious effort to change this. On the other hand it's healthy to look at women and find them sexy. So where's the line exactly? I don't know, but I know I've crossed it and need to take a few steps back.

Also find myself sliding into depressive thoughts and moods. Luckily it's happened to me in the past and I am able to catch it and remind myself that it's just a temporary thing I'm going through. The trick is no too cheer yourself up, but just cut the depressive thread of thought and move on with life.

This whole week (week 4) has been kinda rough. But it got easier towards the end of the week.

I am not sleeping well. Wake up at least once a night.

My stool has been pretty liquid for a while, but now it's starting to look more normal.

I'm still snuggling and exercising though. There's now way I'll go back to P. My decision to delete the home videos is growing firmer, but not quite there yet

I started seeing a woman - a real beauty and smart too. Basically what ever man wants. Now I have this low level anxiety because I'm still not really turned on by real women. It's only a glimmer of what it used to be and it's def far from "normal". It's like I she's a beauty and I should be more turned and in a sense I am, but it's like the signal doesn't travel to my penis.

So as I said, I'm feeling this anxiety that she'll expect sex sooner than I'm ready. I told her that I quite porn recently and I'm abstaining from sex, but I didn't lay out the extent of it and I didn't tell her that I had developed ED.

So funny because it's usually the man pushing for sex and the woman isn't ready. How the tables have turned hahaha.

If she "works with me" I'm sure I could manage to have sex with her to satisfy her. But I really don't want to rush it. I want to get back to normal and then she can have all the sex she wants. Then we can face the problem of habituation, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. This is the least of my worries right now.

She indicated that she wants more of a casual thing and sex is more important in a casual relationship. I have a feeling she likes me quite a bit though and I her, so it's not ALL about sex.

So I've got this anxiety and I hope she can wait. Maybe I should tell her the whole extent of my problem.

Day 42:

My last post was on Day 27. I'm still P and M free. but the last couple of weeks have been rough. Yesterday and today and the first days of relief.

It's not the I'm getting cravings for P, it's just that I have this feeling of lack. Like nothing makes you happy. It's just constant unhappiness if you will. Any cravings that I got were not out of desire for pleasure, but out of desire to relieve the displeasure - the feeling of lack that withdrawal creates.

You'll read a book, but can only for 10-20 min. Then watch a program, but can only go 20 min. Hard to derive any pleasure from anything. Just hard to focus on anything. Got very little work done.

Plus there's been this anxiety. Just feeling jittery. Yesterday I met my friend and who said: "You seem very relaxed today." I didn't realize the anxiety was showing. I thought it was just something I felt on the inside.

Anyway the anxiety is mostly gone, but still hard to focus on work. I predict things will improve a little bit over this next week or two and then slid back a bit. That's been the pattern. Up and down, up and down, but trending upwards overall. Sort of like Marnia's pendulum analogy: swinging back and forth, but slowly losing energy and coming to center.

I just hope it goes away eventually and I can return to normal.

My sex drive has been coming back little by little too. I feel so clean without all that junk in my head (the porn). The longer I go the cleaner I feel. Not morally clean, but "psychologically" clean if that makes sens. Porn is poison for the psyche like nicotine is poison for the body.

My new gf and I have hit it off. She is very understanding, but can't wait to have sex. I'm not quite ready yet. I know I could do it, but I think it's best to let my brain come to balance a bit more. The original goal was to go 60 days without orgasm and I plan to sticking with that. I did give HER an orgasm orally though.

Question: Do you think having intercourse with orgasm with my gf will disrupt my recovery? I have to get back to having sex at some point (not quite ready for Kareeza yet). So should I increase my goal to 90 days instead of 60? Or will I be fine as long as I keep my orgasms to intercourse orgasms?

Thanks.

Day 60:

Feeling pretty good today. Not totally normal - haven't felt that way for years - but pretty good.

Had orgasmic sex twice in the last week. Finally it feels nearly as good as it used to. I hope this continues to improve

Marnia - I promise I'll stop with the orgasms when I'm older, but for now I don't mind churning through girlfriends every couple of years. The breakups do suck though. But that's life.

My workouts are improving too. I don't get as tried afterwards and I'm able to workout harder. Still not back to old time levels of hitting it hard, but slowly getting there.

Noticing a slight improvement in focus and concentration. Work is less of a chore. The workday is bit easier to get through.

The anxiety is and jitteriness is nearly gone. Feeling a bit more social. Was always social with close friends and family, but now feeling more outgoing. Stop judging me. This is an internet message board - I don't have to write in complete sentences.

In a word I feel Hopeful.

I hope this a turning point, but there's still a part of me that's not quite sure that things will continue improving.

I expect I'll have more downturns and upswings. The pendulum is still swinging. I just hope the lows don't go as low and the highs keep getting higher.

Porn is becoming a fading memory by now. Although I know it's still there somewhere. It will take much longer to really erase it and we know it won't ever be erased completely, but I can get damn close. So obviously I'm done with porn for life.

I'm also staying masturbation free. I'm not sure how long I can keep it up, but I actually like not masturbating. It's one less thing to think about. Not to mention it gets messy sometimes and the stuff doesn't come off easily. Sorry for the visual.

I'll try to keep this journal going as long as I can. One thing that really helped me in the initial stages was reading about other's experiences. So here's a little something I leave behind for those who come after me. See I'm getting all spiritual now.

I am looking forward to reporting back 3 months from now and even 6 months from now. Man - I hope I'm feeling fantastic then.

Adios, Muchachos.

I am now almost 4 months porn-free and even masturbation-free. Everything is continuing to improve slowly, but surely.

After work, I used to not even have energy to leave the house to go to the gym that's nearby. Then I started going to the gym regularly, but would run out of energy right after. Now I go to the gym and then go to hang out.

Working out now gives me energy like it used to instead of sapping me of energy. I still only able to workout 50% as hard as I used to, but that's up from about 20%.

I am able to get more work done both at my job and in my part-time business. I can concentrate for a bit longer.

My sex drive is improving. I've been getting erections for no reason these past couple of weeks. Haven't had sex in a while, so can't fully gauge, but I'm confident that I'd be fine This wasn't they case before. I remember not too long ago being very nervous before having sex for fear of not being able to get it up, my French.

Symptoms related to low dopamine/low receptor count still comes in waves. My moods and energy levels are still not steady, but are much steadier than they used to be. Here's what I found after searching for "low dopamine" as symptoms of low dopamine:

* Do you often feel depressed, flat, bored, and apathetic?
* Are you low on physical or mental energy? Do you feel tired a lot; have to push yourself to exercise?
* Is your drive, enthusiasm, and motivation on the low side?
* Do you have difficulty focusing or concentrating?
* Are you easily chilled? Do you have cold hands or feet?
* Do you tend to put on weight too easily?
* Do you feel the need to get more alert and motivated by consuming a lot of coffee or other "uppers" like sugar, diet soda, ephedra, or cocaine?

I got this on a web site, so not sure as to reliability, but sounds reasonable. I have EVERY ONE of those except for easy weight gain. But as I said - things are improving day by day.

I am excited because I think I finally figured out why I've been so fatigued and unmotivated for the last several YEARS. I am now pretty sure it was my several addictions/habits: marijuana, caffeine, porn. Porn was the last one to go and I'm hoping it's the final piece of the puzzle.

Porn is a sneaky little bastard. I never would have made the connection if it weren't for this web site. Thanks again, Marnia.

===

In the book The Porn Trap, the authors say it take about 18 months to recover dopamine receptor damage after quitting porn. Not sure where they got the number, but it's fine by me as long as my condition continues to improve. I've been watching porn since age 8, so no wonder it's taking time.

To anyone else out there in a similar situation - DON'T GIVE UP! Things may not improve as quickly for others, but they do improve. Be sure to focus on your other addictions as well, if you have any.

Not sure when/if I should return to masturbating. But I'm managing okay without it so far.

P.S. I want to see Brazil vs Argentina in the World Cup final.

So it's been 6 months... Wow time flies. BTW that's 6 months of no porn and no masturbation.

I still feel like I'm recovering psychologically and physically.

Some observations:

- no masturbation = motivation to meet women.

Guys, if you're shy around women. You'll get a lot less shy when they only way you can get off is to have sex with a real woman. You'll still have those butterflies, but the your sex drive will provide a counter-force to overcome the butterflies. You'll be more assertive guaranteed.

- more turned on by touch than by visual

When I "was on porn" I'd see a hottie and want to instantly bone her. It's not exactly like that anymore. Now I'm more turned on my the interaction and the physical touch and less turned on by the visual. Now don't get me wrong. I'm still a male and looks matter a lot for my arousal, but they play a lesser role now that I'm off porn.

- real women have flaws

This is related to porn and media in general. Real human beings have physical flaws. You don't see these flaws on your screen. When I'd interact with real women I notice them and consider the women sub-par. Now it's starting to hit me that flawless women don't exist. I date some of the most beautiful women this world has to offer (toot, TOOT!) and they all have flaws.

I always knew it on an intellectual level, but now I'm starting to feel it on the gut level. Flaws now indicate to me that this is a real woman that I'm connecting with, which makes her even sexier.

- energy

My energy levels continue to be up and down with a general trend for improvement. a higher level plateau is just around the corner.

- death

I've been facing the prospect of my mortality for the last few months. I don't know if it's related to dopamine dips or if it's just something I'm going through concurrently with my porn recovery, but here is where I'm at. I think about death and it gives me anxiety. My solution is two-fold:

1 - get out there and live now because now is all we've got.

2 - remind yourself that death is just lights off. nothing scary about it. so just focus on what happens while the lights are on.

If you're reading this and you want to ask me some questions about antyhing, I'll return in the next couple of day to answer.