Site Search
User login
Recent Topics
Google Site Search
Following of the first post (huge porn problem, turning gay?)
Hey,
this is the following to the first post. To help myself in order to win the fight against porn addiction, I set up a plan or you may call it rules, anyway, here it is.
1. Stop watching porn (im on my 6th day! 
)
2. Trying to fightmy hocd
3. Seeing my girlfriend more often
4. Using vizualisations to make the sexual thoughts fade away.
5. Take the antidelressants the doctor gave me
6. Going the less time as possible on the internet (Well I still can go on this site, its not the same)
7. Stopping the compulsions
8. Stopping the endless quest forfinding an answer
9. Pray (maybe I still believe in god in some way) I dont wanna insult anyone or startan argument, but I. never really believed. I always thought that the catholic religion was sometimes stupid. Anyway, I have still some kind of spiritual need I need to fulfil, I'll pray.
10. Posting here the most I can
11. Jogging everyday
12. LearnIng guitar
13. Getting better
so its been 6 days. Im still alive. Ill try to apply te most I can this plan, it will surely help me. I realized somerhing weird today. I seem this time to want to watch a lot of thriller/horror movies. I think it helps me to get my anxiety on something else than sexuality and sex thoughts, to monsters, than I say to myself, this is stupid. And I sleep easier. Give me comments, is it a good way?
I seen improvements I think. I seem to see things differently. Before, even without my ocd I would only think of women sexually. I mean I never thought women were only good for sex and I am not sexist but I seem to see things differently. I can appreciate women for what they are and not only as an object. With the porn addiction, at each time I saw a beautiful woman, sex always came into my head and couldnt concentrate about anything else. I had images in my head constantly. I am changing. I think I'll get an even better sexual satisfaction than I had before. After my recovery, I wont only be sure about my heterosexuality, I think I'll be a better young man. On top of that, I will never ever make fun of homosexuals anymore. I have been stupid. I learned. I hate homophobes now omg. I used to make gay jokes. This is over.
I can't wait to e back to myself. But better, as if someone had made something change in my mind and body
seeya
- getting_my_life_back's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Sounds like
you're learning a lot on many fronts. Compassion for others is worth learning, whatever the price.
Not sure what you meant by "Trying to fight my hocd." I was just reminded again today by a therapist friend that "fighting" things makes them stronger. It might be helpful to replace the fighting with a clear visualization of how you *want* your sexuality to be.
Thanks for starting a new thread.
By saying fighing my ocd I
By saying fighing my ocd I meant to not feed it.
That
makes sense. How's it going?
I am not really sure
but maybe watching the horror movies is allowing yourself to let out the fear that may be being bottled up inside because you are not wanting to direct it to yourself. But, keep in mind that it is possible to let go of fear as a pathway instead of either suppressing it or expressing it. You could check out the "Sedona Method" for more info about a healthy way to let go of emotions like fear, lust, anger, etc.
A Word About Prayer
A word about prayer. You don't need to believe in God for prayer to work. Prayer involves verbalizing your thoughts and needs. It strengthens your internal dialogue. It allows you to get clear. It lets you focus on what is important. It is a way around compulsions, a way to center yourself. More powerfully, if you pray for others, you focus your thoughts on others. It is truly amazing the restorative effects of helping others. By helping others overcome their challenges, somehow your own get easier to address. Try it. It works!"
I'm on 8th day!!!!
8th day today.
My god, It is so hard to break this damned addiction. I porn free today too, and it's now that it becomes hard to retain myself from masturbating. I have a weird feeling. As if my mind was telling me: Masturbate, masturbate. I don't want to, I have to resist to the temptation.
I think it may refer to someone trying to stop smoking cigarettes.
I think after 7 days, thats where the addiction starts to become really annoying and powerful. I realized it comes to my mind when I'm doing homework, or working on the computer.
I wont fail this time, it's gonna be a 2 ful porn free months, I will win this fight.
I wanna change
Congratulations on
your progress. I always find the second week the toughest.
Doing any meditation or yoga? Vigorous exercise? These things come up over and over as being helpful. Might be worth a try.
I won the fight tonight! I
I won the fight tonight! I didnt mb! Looking forward for the 9th day. Ah and yes intense exercise always works to not mb. When I feel like I won't be able to resist, I just go jogging and it goes away.
Anyway, good night
seeya
*big wave*
Nice job!
Another ocd strike
Omg, this ocd is killing my life. Tonight when I came back home. I said to myself : and what if I was a transexual? It started to freak me out. In my whole life, I only once said to myself, when I was a very little boy. I thought that it would be
to be a beautiful woman. And I was like. I wish I was a beautiful woman. Then it faded away. I never thought I was trap in the wrong body, I always acted as a man, I always played boy games and never been wrong with my gender, I never acted feminite. I know that this worrying is stupid. I wanna reassure myself but looking for answers is not the good idea. Anyway I know I'm not a transgendered. But I still have my HOCD. I know though, how to not let this ocd becoming powerful. I won't look for answers about this. This ocd is stupid.
I know the worst thing to do would be to look on the internet to see transgender tests and stuff. I started to look for transexual information and stopped right after. The more I'll read the more this will be powerful.
I won't act on those compulsions. At least I am taking medications. I will soon see a therapistfor a cognitive therapy I think. Anyway I won't give strenght to this.
So, 9th porn free day. I'm still doing good. I won't use porn ever again. It is though becoming harder and harder to stop myself from masturbating. I now always have this urge to masterbate. I will go for some jogging soon.
Determination is the key to success.
seeya
In my experience,
any old thought pattern you're trying to get rid of "screams bloody murder" before it lets go. You just have to walk right by it.
sorry , I don't understand
sorry , I don't understand what you mean there, english is not my first language
Sorry,
I mean, those old thought patterns are there because they are "wired" to highly charged emotions. So when you try to delete them from your mental software they put up a fight.
Just do what you're doing. Ignore them and keep walking. No panic. Just a wise inward smile when they make nuisances of themselves.
The other day I was reading comments on an article about "mirror neurons, " and one man was commenting that he thinks many men watch porn to try to get an idea of what the woman is experiencing. So, maybe all of us try to imagine ourselves in the place of a partner from time to time. I don't remember doing that, but it wouldn't surprise me if it happened.
Since beautiful women "in heat" (airbrushed to look like they're giving mating signals) are used to advertise everything - and get lots of admiring attention - I'd think your thoughts as a child really weren't so weird.
They just happened to upset YOU, and now they've become "very exciting" and arousing to your mind. Stop using them for that purpose and your brain will return to its more fundamental wiring.
*big hug*
Thanks alot
Marnia, I don't know if anyone told you this before but the more I read what you write to help me or others, the more I consider you as a "saint" I mean, I think you are a wonderful person.
I am surprised how you find the words to talk to me and help me. This answer is possibly the best you could give me to not feed my ocd. You didn't tell me:you are not a transgender or you are not gay. This would have only gave me some kind of temporary relief. You try to provide me reasons why I am obssessed with these thoughts, and reasons why I would have gone to extreme porn. You provide methods how to overcome this
Thanks you.
*big hug*
I know, I am very sentimental... I had to say it.
Just a little question here.
Do you know any other methods to prevent masturbation other than sport? I can not always go jogging or do an intense exercise. o you have any other suggestions?
P.S.
Do not say sorry for speaking a "complicated" english, it helps me to get better in this language. Am I ok, is my english correct?
You're doing fine
On both fronts. I wouldn't have known English was your second language if you hadn't mentioned it. While it isn't perfect, its as good as many native English speakers. You've done well.
On the "what else can I do" to stop masturbation, I'll give a quick run down of the basics.
First, there are the psychological triggers, that is, times, events, etc. that generally make your mind go, "Oh, yes, it's time for some fun!" As you go through the day, you can identify them and learn ways to avoid them, or have plan to deal with them if you can't avoid them all together. But knowing your triggers is helpful.
For instance, a time I've almost always traditionally masturbated in the past is right after taking a shower and getting ready for the day. I've been on my feet, and I like to lay back down in bed when I'm finished to relax a bit before I get dressed and head out. But there I am, lying naked in bed, usually with no one around (my wife heads out earlier than I do). So it became real easy at that point every day to masturbate. When I realized that, I had to either avoid it by not resting, getting dressed right away, or treat the time as a self-control exercise where I lay down, knowing it will be tempting, but telling myself I will not do it, I only want to relax, and I don't let my hand start even playing with it. By laying there naked, and not masturbating, I am in a way breaking the normal response routine and now it can no longer demand that I satisfy it.
I started focusing on avoiding masturbation in those morning times beginning on 2/12, and since then, I've masturbated to orgasm only two times, and only two other times gave any stimulation beyond an initial spark. Which is big for me, because I used to masturbate at that time nearly every morning. Rarely did a morning go by without doing it. Now it is rare to do it.
The other side of the coin is the physical demand to do it. At some point, the body will become so sensitive, that it literally screams for satisfaction. There are two things to do with this. One you are already doing, and that is to "wear out" the body. This is a common monastic practice, usually by working at whatever various labors, and attending services for hours on end, and getting only four hours of sleep a night or less (don't try this at home). Using exercise, you're "wearing your body out"and that makes it less responsive to sexual stimulation.
But of course there are going to be those times that you can't avoid the trigger, and your body will catch you at a time you aren't "tired" and crank up the pleasure charge. So what do you do?
At that point, there are two things you can do which might help. One, get your mind into the right frame of mind by realizing this is something you need to ride out. Focus on the goal of successfully overcoming it, imagine yourself in full and complete control, then become distant to the feeling, as if observing it from the outside, watching the waves crash over you, but you don't respond.
It reminds me of the game I played before at a teen party. I forget the name of it, but the idea is that you take the unsuspecting victim and tell him that he must close his eyes (dead giveaway they are going to do something bad to you) and to pretend that you are dead, and they are going to measure you for your coffin. So you lay there on the floor. They say they are measuring your body, and your arms. When they measure your arms, they lift each one up into the air. Then they are measuring your legs (why they need to measure arms and legs for a coffin should have been a red flag) and raise one up, measure, then raise the other one up to measure it. It is at this point that someone comes over with a pitcher full of ice water and pours it down your pants leg.
The excitement is to watch this person who is trying to pretend to be dead suddenly "come to life" by screaming and leaping from the floor. Well, I was the victim of this game at this party. Only problem is, when they told me to pretend I was dead, not knowing what was coming I decided at that point no matter what they did to me, I wouldn't budge or move at all. I was dead, dead, dead to all external stimuli. So when they poured the ice water down my leg, I didn't even so much as twitch. They were so disappointed. I told them, "You told me to pretend I was dead, what did you expect?"
But that is where our mind has to be. We have to think of those feelings as something external to us, and we are dead to them. If we can get our mind into that place, then we can watch them crash upon the shore of our souls and not be affected by them, and be content with them even being there. They become nothing.
Two, it may help when you're in the midst of feeling a strong desire to masturbate, whether psychological or physical or both, to simply say firmly to yourself, "No!" and stop whatever you are doing. Zip up, throw on some shorts, close up shop. The more you do this even when those waves of pleasure are crashing over you, if you can access that part of your mind at that point which knows this isn't where you want to go, and have it say firmly, "No!" you may find it much easier to obey. But use a firm voice. Not yelling at yourself. Not berating yourself. Not shaming yourself. But more like a tone you'd take with commanding a dog when you are trying to break a habit they have.
At the heart of it, where we want to get is to be able to tell ourselves to ignore the call of the body, not be guided by it, and let it die out over time. And as we've stated before, if you slip up and do it, make it a learning experience, evaluate what happened, why, and what can be done to avoid it next time. Then determine to go further. But if you keep training yourself like this, I have no doubt that you'll find yourself at some point rarely ever masturbating, and being able with ease to ignore the feelings to do so.
And don't forget, we're in this together. I'm working on all this too. Writing this has helped me too, not only to think through these things for myself, what has worked for me before, but also I've spent the last hour writing this among other things, instead of letting my my wander to thinking about masturbating.
Hopefully you'll be able to take something from that which will help you. Maybe others will be able to add to it.
THANKS ALOT! This is really
THANKS ALOT! This is really helpful. This is the kind of answer I was looking for. I will try your ice cold water trick
You're sweet, Life
but, I assure you I'm no saint.
That said, I'm glad the thoughts comforted you.
Cole has inspired me to mention that when you have an uncontrollable URGE, you can quell it by pouring cold water over your genitals. Sounds goofy, but it works. (The Daoists suggested dipping the penis in a bowl of ice water, if you prefer that. *evil grin*)
It also seems to be the case that even a few minutes of meditation a day really helps. Gary and I were listening to a podcast the other day. The researcher was mentioning that brain scans show that regular meditation shifts the activity of the brain somewhat. Less activity in the limbic (primitive, emotional) part of the brain (which drives sex), and more activity in the reasoning, decision-making part. So control becomes less challenging.
The best part was that although long-time Buddhist monks showed this brain change...so did regular Westerners after a few weeks of regular meditation. There are lots of other benefits to the brain, too, from regular meditation.
So meditation is an indirect way of turning down the volume on the "Masturbate NOW!" voice, and you may find it works. I'm sure you can find a meditation in your mother-tongue, but here's one if you can't: http://www.reuniting.info/download/misc/06Track6.wma
Yes, your English is fine.
*big hug*
And Cole...if you can put up with ice water down your pants without a twitch, you can do ANYthing!
10 th day!
Hey its me again!
I think I am doing ok. I realised that maybe anxiety is one of my triggers. As soon as I am experiencing anxiety, my brain, I think associates anxiety and pleasure so generates an erection for its little dopamine dose. It can be on anything that gives me anxiety and is related to sex.
I think that's why it is "exciting", am I right? I looked at porn addiction steps and look at what I found
1. Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.
2. Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.
3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.
4. Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.
5. Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.
from:
http://www.troubledwith.com/AbuseandAddiction/A000000776.cfm?topic=abuse...
I was, well, I am at step 3
I was exposed to porn really young.
Look at the third step:
3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.
Shemale porn and gay chats would have disgusted me before. I know it and I'm sure. Maybe porn always generated some kind of anxiety to me. Anyway I know that cybersex and shemale porn did, and alot... I look on further help for the porn addiction help. I'll look forward to join an online 12 steps program or something like this. But I think this site does the job perfectly.
I tried the NO! trick. Works like a charm! I WILL try the ice-cold water trick, I'm sure it will work.
Anyway,
Seeya later
Self-knowledge
is everything according to a lot of great thinkers of the past. Once you recognize your patterns, you can maneuver around them. Sounds like you've figured things out.
Yes, anxiety-producing things ARE exciting. Gary says it's the adrenaline they produce that gives them an extra kick...and also helps strengthen the brain connections...so it's harder to forget them. But you can un-wire them. It just takes time.
A lot of men are going to be struggling with this escalation problem if they aren't already. It's a natural progression due to the extreme stimulation of today's Internet porn.
*big hug*
Just a little question
After the 2 motnhs of abstinence, will the attraction to shemale porn or porn in general but gay oriented porn more specifically, disapear? Or start to fade away. Do you know some other males that experienced the same things and gone back to normal? Like totally normal? I'M like ok let's go for the two abstinence months. But what happens if it doesn't fix it? Will I stay like this all my life? WIll this mean that I will stay some kind of sex changed man all my life and have to live with something I'm not inside? . Or may it only be the ocd?
I realize this question is coming to my head more and more frequently as the days pass. Is it only my brain trying to get me back to the addiction? I'm confused
Thanks
Sounds like
your brain is trying to suck you into more anxiety about this.
My crystal ball is broken, but read this article again. http://www.reuniting.info/straight_men_gay_porn_sexual_brain_map You have every reason to be optimistic, but life seldom comes with guarantees. If OCD patients can rewire after years of problems, you should be able to rewire this fairly recent quirk.
Breathe!
Let's think about this.
First, I'm sure porn has had an effect upon you in this regard. Stuff that formerly would have disgusted you you found exciting, and there is a good chance that once you've been away from porn for a while, those images and desires will fade into the background. Everyone is different in that regard. But if you found it disgusting before, I would be surprised if you didn't return to that feeling at some point. How long and how much it will return to what you felt before? Hard to say since we're all unique and respond to things similarly, but not exactly. So what might take me two months might take you four. Hard to say. All we can do is look at averages. The bottom line is you won't know for sure until you get there. If you still feel those desires and you want to continue, then that will be a decision you make at that point.
But I think there is also another side to this that you need to take into account. Let's just assume that for whatever reason, that you never find this stuff disgusting again. What does that mean, really?
I'm almost 50 yrs old. All my life, I've not found two men doing sexual things repulsive. I've never done anything with another man except for the time I was molested as a young teen by one, so I've never acted out on those desires. Yet, when I was an older teen, I was cleaning the church parking lot alone. This guy in a car circles the church block a couple of times before pulling into a side parking area. It was a convertible with the top down. He asked if I would like to get in the car and suck his dick. I immediately said no, and luckily he didn't pursue it and drove off.
But after that event, I kept fantasizing about what it would have been like if I had said yes. It was too dangerous to say yes, no telling what his real intentions were. And I've thought about that many times. And I've always had this desire to know what it was like to do that. I'll probably never find out, because I can't imagine any situation where I would do that.
But while that means I would probably be open to gay sex, to a degree, (can't stomach the idea of anal sex, no matter the gender) I don't think of myself as gay. As far as desire goes, you could probably call me bi-sexual, but as far as actual practice, monogamous heterosexual. I've only has sex with one woman, my wife. But that's a different issue. Point being, just because you have desires, even if they stay with you and don't leave, doesn't mean you are destined to act out on them. If anything, this site is about our need to control those desires and not let them run our life.
But to be truly gay, the desire needs to be mainly for other men, and women either disgust you or simply provide no interest or spark to your desires. It all depends on what desires you have. And desires are both "born with" and influenced by environment and circumstances. Like, I used to hate broccoli to death. Trying to eat it (my mom tried to make me) caused me to throw up it churned my stomach so bad. And for most of my life, I hated, hated, hated that stuff. But at some point, I found I could eat it. Though I don't desire it, I can eat it and it no longer is repulsive to me.
So, was the broccoli hating me the real me, and now I'm something I'm not because I'll eat it without making a face and feeling like I want to upchuck? They are both me at different times of my life. So even if this desire never leaves you, it doesn't mean you have something invading your body that is alien, nor does it mean you are not "normal." It simply means your taste have changed. If you don't want that, then don't fulfill that desire. Ignore it. Chances are it will go away over time both by not linking gay sexual images to the dopamine reward trigger of masturbating to it, and if it doesn't get attention, it fades into the background. But if you find it stays with you to some degree or other, don't worry about it. You are in control, not your body. You can say "yes" to what you want to be, fulfill a specific desire or decide it isn't in your best interest and health to do so, and tell it "No." But you are still going to be you, and you won't be abnormal. If you are, then I'm just as bad off, and I've never had any serious temptation to fulfill that fantasy of mine to do a blow job on a guy. Even though if I ended up in a situation somehow that I was forced to do that, I would probably enjoy it. At least, I think I would.
Best route is to get to the two months free from porn and see how you're doing then. Evaluate where you're at when you get there, and decide what more you want to do at that point. Otherwise, you may very well spend a lot of time worrying about it when there really is nothing to worry about because you may very well find it is mostly gone by that time.
So, sit back and enjoy the ride, notice the scenery as things change for you. Pay attention to the ways it is helping you so you can focus on the reasons why you want to continue on this path. And, keep on keeping on. You're doing great.
Hey
Thanks friend. Your posts are awesome.
I'm on 11th day now. I know what you are talking about. I never had any fantasies about cocks before the porn addiction escalated. I also noted. I never tried to watch gay porn though, but I was able to masturbate to chats wich I couldn't see male bodies. But think about a penis, I don't know if you undertand what I mean. Shemale porn arroused me alot. It was like, the forbidden on a woman. A penis on a woman. When I had these fantasies about sucking a penis, I never actually saw a face. I think it would have make my boner go away, I don't know but what I'm sure is that the face or the body of men didnt arrouse me at all. Only the sex part. But before that, when I was, I think 3 or for years younger. I watched by curiosity gay porn. (I was using straight porn everyday at this time and was fantasizing about big boobs, beautiful hair, and you know, normal female parts.) I tried out with gay porn. I wasn't disgusted really, I wasn't arroused at all and, yes maybe. Id say I didn't like what I was seeing, halfway repulsive, halfway not-repulsed. I remember looking at it for like 10 seconds then closing the browser and getting back to solo girls videos.
I had, when I was a little kid, a sexual encounter with another young kid too. I think I was 6-7 (maybe a year younger), I know that he was one year older than me, I don't know how it happened but I know that he had suggested to do it and that he started it. I stayed semi trautaized by this maybe. We never talked about this anymore, and never told our parents, we just forgot about it. It wasnt, sucking the other's penis or anything. There was no penetration. And no orgasm. But we were both arroused I think. We had both our penises erected.
But I don't know why we did this. I knew that what we were making was wrong. I had no attraction to him or physical attraction. I stayed, I think traumatized with this a long time after. But not right away. I didn't realize really what we had done. I'd say, I had forgot about it like 2 weeks after. And after 2 years of never thinking about that event. It started coming back to my mind. I was, I think semi-traumatized with this. I remember every second of this. I think I won't ever forget it. Though at the moment I had fun. There was no aggression or any of us dominating the other. It became some kind of an obsession. And went away after maybe 2 months. I never been obsessed with this ever again, though I sometimes think about it again. It was coming to my mind less and less frequently.
I always have been attracted to girls after that, and I never was attracted to this kind of stuff. I know when I started puberty, I was 100% sure I was heterosexual. I had boners everytime one of my beautiful classmates was touching me or even, I was just wondering on how she was looking naked. ( I was using porn at this time but I think there was no addiction connected to it.) I masturbated usually without porn, maybe 1 time on 2 with porn and I was masturbating maybe 3-5 times a week. That was a normal masturbation frequence I think. So I knew I was totally straight.
But now I ask myself about this. I think I was arroused by the fact that what we were doing was wrong and we didn't want our parents to know. The forbidden nature.
Can has this been combined with the porn escalation? The forbidden side. I know "Lost" had something similar. He talks about this in his posts.
Do you think that this can be true? I'm kind of confused. And I would like to know if you knew anything I could do to detraumatize myself. Maybe this would make it fade away. I don't know.
Thanks alot.
By the way, my abstinence is going well! Stopping the compulsions on checking if my penis is erected after any gay thoughts helps I think. I heard that ocds can really trick you. Like I feel something. Then I start to freak out. But they say that when you don't want to be aarroused, it's the best state of mind, to be arroused. So I try to stop the compulsions and after like 9th day. I think I have much less reaction to these thoughts.
Anyway, this thread is becoming long. If you have trouble understanding something, or need more information about what happened, tell me.
Seeya later
P.S.
You are the fisrt ones I tell this. I didnt even say it to my psychiatrist, should I?
It seems a lot of
early sexual experiences and implicit (buried) memories create mysterious tastes, when the right porn activates them. Doidge talks about this in his book "The Brain that Changes Itself." Imagine how exciting and arousing and "naughty" the event was. Of course your brain recorded it as something really important.
And then you tripped the old switch inadvertently years later...and voila! The only way to find out for sure if it's "just one of those fluke-y turn-ons" is to keep going. I think you're soon going to answer your own question for good. Someday you may just view this is one of the quirky things that makes you unique...and not something to get all "fired up" over.
Personally, I'd make sure my psychiatrist had read Norman Doidge's book before I shared this information with him. Most psychiatrists still don't think in terms of brain plasticity. It's a pretty new concept.
Please no
Marnia, i couldnt live like this i have to find a way to reverse this if the abstinence doesnt work. But by unique I hope you dont mean gay plz I couldnt live like this, I'm not
There's a lot here to address
And I'm certainly not pretending to be a psychiatrist or anything. If you are dealing with some of these issues with him/her, you'd probably do well to tell him/her about this. It might help gain some greater understanding of what's going on in your brain. But as Marnia says, good idea to suggest that book too.
But I would say different people respond to these traumatizing events in different ways. It's hard to evaluate myself, but I've had three specific sexual events happen as I grew up, which overall didn't seem to affect me much.
One was a boy I tended to hang out with when I was five. He lived next door, and we'd spend time together. And he was the "boss." I think he liked having me around because I would do whatever he said. Usually that involved various things. Like one time he sneaked cigarettes out of his mom's house and we hid in our hideout to smoke them. He was a bad influence.
One time, this boy and I were walking through a field where there was cactus. At some point, don't know what prompted this, he told me to zip my pants down and pull out my penis. He then proceeded to take a needle from a cactus and insert it into my urethra. Not very far (thank goodness). After doing that for about 5-10 seconds, he quit and I put it back in.
Another time he had me go into the shed in our backyard. He had another friend with him, and apparently he was in on the deal and came to watch. The boy, once inside, pulled his penis out and told me to put it in my mouth. Being the compliant child I was, I started to do so. No sooner had I put it in when he let his pee rip. I ran out of there crying, but they had a good laugh.
The third was with a girlfriend. I tended to go over to her house, and she came to mine, I was about 6. One time I was at her house, and we'd been playing as we usually did. She told me to follow her, and she led me into the bathroom. She shut the door, and proceeded to pull down her pants. She said something like, "You've seen mine, now show me yours."
I was shocked, one that she did this, and two I was scared to death of being naked in front of her. Unlike you, I'd not so much as seen porn of any kind. As I stood there, frozen trying to decide what to do, a rap came at the door and her mother called out to her to open the door.
Needless to say, she went into a state of panic. She had me "hide" under the sink even though that hid very little as it was all open. The mother comes in, and seeing her daughter naked with me, she assumes of course (and the daughter no doubt told her as much) that I had talked her daughter into dropping her pants. I was immediately sent home and told never to come over again or play with her daughter. We were forbidden from "seeing" each other. And pretty much that's what happened. So ended the first "romantic" relationship I ever had.
Now, none of those childhood stories match up with what you mention. They were pretty lame compared to what you were exposed to. I'm guessing you had, and still have, very little supervision to be able to watch all that when you were three? And to have that programmed into your brain at such a young and impressionable age, I'm amazed at how well you are doing.
But despite all that, it wasn't until I was introduced to orgasms by one of my dad's employees when I was eleven that I even found out what an orgasm was. I'd never masturbated up to that point, didn't have any idea that rubbing it would even feel good. I was totally naive. And he pretty much just stimulated me to orgasm. I had no idea what was going on, totally new experience, and my one though as I approached climax was that this was some technique I didn't know about that would knock me out and then I would find he had taken me away somewhere. The climax was so intense, I thought I was going to pass out. I was surprised when I didn't end up on the floor.
This man also did my brothers as well, even my youngest brother who was around 6 at the time. One of my brothers thought of sex as something nasty and disgusting, and for a long time he said he would never do it. I thought at the time that such an attitude wasn't good. But my reaction was different. I returned to the film room to get more of it. It wasn't so much him, as I enjoyed the feeling. Then when I discovered that I could cause the same thing to happen by doing it to myself...who needed him?
But when me and my brothers revealed what had been happening to our parents in front of him, and he tried to choke himself to death (which of course wouldn't work, but seeing him pulling the cord around his neck as it turned a bright red is an image I can never erase from my mind, it made me sick to my stomach and I ran to lean against a wall where I couldn't see him doing that, I thought he was killing himself, and I'm sure that's what he felt like doing at that point).
So my introduction to sex wasn't the best either, for different reasons. Yet, aside from my addiction to masturbation and much later, porn to a degree, I can't identify any real negatives from that experience. Not saying there aren't any, but if there are, I can't see them. I've always felt I had a healthy attitude about sex. And I've wondered if it is because through all of that, I never did feel any real guilt. Shame, maybe in the embarrassing category, but not shame as in guilt. In part, because through all that, I enjoyed doing it. I went up there hoping to get some. So while the initial incident was "forced" upon me, I didn't see or experience it so much as "rape" but as an introduction to something I liked.
Now, like a lot of teens, I went in and out whether it was a good thing for me to masturbate or not. I didn't even have anyone telling me yes or no on that, just my own sense of things. And I had periods where I would try to stop, and usually fail after a week to two weeks of trying, at which point I would convince myself that it wasn't bad, nothing to be guilty of, it wasn't sin, and I would do it around once a day or more. Then I would get convicted that I needed to stop again, and so goes the cycle. As I reached my thirties, that cycle was much less and aside from a few times of trying to abstain, I mostly just gave up trying to stop and let 'er rip.
But as I look back on it, I think most of my attempts to stop were based on "this is sinful, I shouldn't be doing this." And that alone is never enough to bring about success. Reason being is that it is motivation external to myself. What I always lacked was a desire within myself to stop, to control it. Occasionally I would gain a new way of thinking about it all, and thought I could stop, but what always messed me up is that internally I didn't want to stop! I don't want to never do it again for the rest of my life!
So I think my mind rebells at external restrictions, even if I happen to agree with them at the time. Someone from the outside saying, "This is bad for you," doesn't help me to want to stop. But this time, I have found in myself a desire. I'm not telling myself that I'll never do it again. I have it in my mind, even, that I could allow it a couple times a month or so, unless my wife takes up those slots.
Which she is likely to do. But I think as long as I'm saying to myself, "I want to find out what life without masturbation is like, to find out what I'm missing," and so I find an internal motivation to do this, and my mind isn't threatened with never doing it again. We're just running an experiment. Which is why I'm taking a more "build up to it" approach at this time. I can tell myself "Just last through this day, and tomorrow you can have all you want." So far, 1.5 weeks into this stage, it is working.
But I think I'm able to refrain at this point in part because I want to do it. In the same way, I think because I enjoyed the orgasmic feelings whether the man did it or I did it, I didn't associate "bad" with the feeling itself, even if the man was doing something bad himself. And my desire for the feeling itself is what has addicted me to masturbation for most all my life. Porn was only added on later as an aid to getting to climax when it didn't happen so easily without it. While I'm sure at times it served these purposes, I didn't masturbate to relieve stress, fall asleep, or because of fantasy. I masturbated to get that feeling, and that was what I was addicted to. The dopamine high of climax.
The point being that part of the trauma from those events are most likely due to conflicted feelings. Feelings of enjoyment, but feelings of guilt. It produces a quandary for us, because we want it, but we feel it is wrong or bad, and so despite being drawn to it like a moth to a flame, we think of ourselves as "bad" because we can't seem to help ourselves. We feel guilty for enjoying something that man people would say is wrong and bad.
But this goes back to points I've made in other blogs. "Sin" isn't just "God decided you can't enjoy this pleasure so He labeled it such," rather at the heart of what "sin" is as well as "morals" is simply that such activities will make you sick. Sick in mind, soul, body, and relating to those around you. It's not that experiencing pleasure itself is evil. It's not that masturbation itself is evil. But the way it is practiced can be a big negative for our lives, as we all know from the info on this site. It is easy for it to become compulsive, addictive, in part because it is so freely available, doesn't immediately cost a thing other than time, and is extremely pleasurable. It's like a crack addict's dream of just sitting in a room all day, being able to take a never ending supply of crack. Such a person is likely to kill themselves
So, it means we are sick. It doesn't mean we are "bad" and "evil". It means we need help getting over a sickness that is hard to get rid of. Like I said, I'm not a psychiatrist, but I think if you can come to the point of making these distinctions in how you think both about the events you've experienced and how you view things now, it could go a long ways to helping you deal with those traumatic events.
And one other thing, such trauma may never totally go away, but its affects can be lessened over time. And even just getting it aired out, even on a forum like this, will cause it to lose some of its hold over you. There is a saying concerning confession and "sin" among some monastics. When you don't confess a sin, and it's a secret, then Satan can use it to blackmail you into acting how he wants you to act. If you confess it (like you've done virtually here), then it cannot hold power over you any longer. Just confessing it causes it to lose a lot of its power over you.
But you've taken some big steps to healing these issues here. Keep rolling with it. You're on a good track. And I suspect you'll find that some of these issues will go away as you progress. But to find out, to get that prize knowledge...you'll have to last.
Keep it up, we're voting for you.
(excuse the length)
Again, thanks Cole
I imagine it's very helpful to others to have your story for comparison purposes.
I'm quite curious about the after effects of early sexual imprinting experiences. Unfortunately, it's very hard to do research on this because the human memory is very unreliable. It buries things. It reconstructs things. And so forth.
Still research shows that there is more homosexual behavior among men who had older brothers. Researchers are theorizing that it has to do with testosterone's effects on the mother. But I think the answer may lie in the natural events that occur as older siblings demonstrate "their newfound sex knowledge" with younger siblings...thus imprinting the younger one with same sex excitement, quite innocently. Can't imagine how parents could really guard against such events. Look how fast Cole's girlfriend dropped HER drawers. *giggle*
A definite possibility
Though in my case, I'm the oldest of four boys, so I never had an older brother. Nor did I talk about sex much with my brothers.
My family growing up wasn't highly physical touch, I think I've related that elsewhere before. Growing up, I never had much physical affection from my mom or brothers. My dad, a little as when we were small, before the divorce, we would kiss both him and mom goodnight. So other than the spankings, that was the extent of physical affection.
My step dad also wasn't very affectionate, but he did odd things like walking naked through the living room in the mornings. Made us guys fairly uncomfortable.
Which now is the total opposite of my own family. I regularly wrestle with my sons, we hug and talk regularly. I really enjoy them. I have great kids.
But, the older brother thing makes sense, especially if the older brother initiated some sexual play, maybe in some cases actual sexual acts. I could see how that might imprint upon a younger sibling homosexual desires. But as you mention, it is all so very complex. And not just on what our memories may keep and exclude, but also there could easily be other factors that played into it that it becomes really hard to establish a cause-effect relationship in any kind of conclusive way.
But related to that, I've also heard, but have no idea statistically if its true, that boys who had no father or very dysfunctional fathers are more likely to end up with homosexual desires. Not sure all the psychological reasonings behind that if it is true, but is yet one other factor. Then there is the whole question of how much of it are we born with. There can be made the case that we are born with a certain predisposition of desires, illustrated with babies who will gulp down one kind of baby food, but spit out another upon first taste. Certainly a 3 month old can't be said to have been influenced to any significant degree by circumstances and culture to dislike peas, for instance. And yet, with most of even those desires, they can radically change over the lifetime too.
It may near impossible to determine why a particular person may have homosexual desires, how much born into and culture and parenting (or lack thereof) played into the final outcome. Like, in my case, I can see if my circumstances might have been different, I could be a practicing homosexual, only because I know that's something that doesn't repulse me, even seems exciting. I might find out different if I ever tried it. Because I think it isn't just the sex, its the relating to another person with such intimacy. In my case, the gender doesn't seem to be nearly as important on the sex front, but I think it would be hard for me to have that kind of "relationship" with another man, now that I think of it.
Isn't self-diagnosis fun!
. I could probably sit here and speculate all day, but it wouldn't do anyone any good. So I'll stop before I embarrass myself even more.
I totally understand what you mean there
yes, I would never ever picture myself with a man too. I love women and always wanted to share my life with one and have kids.
LIFE SUCKS porn sucks, I should have knowned. I am so stupid
Based on what you're saying
I don't think you have much to worry about. The porn obviously created some desire, but it is obvious you don't want to be gay or the she/male stuff. To be gay, you'd want to do that. You would have noticed inclinations toward that through your life. But this one experience isn't likely to change what you want.
If you want women, then as you gain some distance from the whole she/male porn stuff, I've no doubt that excitement will vanish with them. Just focus on what you really want, and go for it, which it sounds like you are well on the road to doing that.
thanks alot friend
thanks alot friend
Hey 12th dAy
Today was the 12th day.
I'm totally depressed of your answer Marnia.I think what you mean was that I would never come back to my old self. I had plans, I wanted to have a wife kids. I fell in love with women before.
Please don't tell me that I'm gonna stay like this. I wanna get back to what I was before. How can I reverse this. Abstinence? It's what I'm doing now. I have always loved women. How can I pull that trigger down. I won't be able to live as something different from what I am. I have never been gay. The thoughts I experiment produce anxiety and I always found repulsive homosexual sex before.
Please tell me that I will get back after the abstinence.
It's as if I was not myself.
This thing in me is not me.
I want myself back
I don't what I'm goign to do if I don't come back. Seriously. Anyway
12th day.
I had no problems to not use porn. It is true now. I've never been that determined.
I don't know how to explain this. I don't understand, if I wasn,t taking antidepressants, I would surely be crying right now.
I bought the book you told me to buy. The brain that changes itself. I will read it soon, well, hear it. I bought it as an audiobook so I can listen to it on my ipod.
Thanks for your support
*BIG CRYING HUG*
*big warm hug*
Depressed? Definitely feel optimistic. The point of this brain plasticity information is that you CAN rewire your brain. It's tough at first, but it gets easier. Actually, it sounds like you're doing quite well. There are always ups and downs in this kind of healing.
You're not "permanently damaged" by any means! But you may always need to avoid "shemale" fantasy and porn, because that pathway will be there. Recovered alcoholics have to avoid bars, too. This is no reason to be discouraged.
Honestly, I think you were very insightful when you said that you have a link between anxiety and sexual arousal. You also need to stop that loop. Maybe experiment with recording the hypnosis wiki for yourself, in your mother tongue. It has a technique in it where you say "Reject" when an unwanted trigger comes into your mind. Here's the hypnosis script: http://www.reuniting.info/node/3554
You might want to try saying "Reject!" whenever you start feeling anxious and checking for signs of arousal. (In addition to saying "Reject" for any unwanted flashbacks.)
I certainly wasn't trying to discourage you. Sometimes written posts just aren't as good as face to face contact. Sorry I blew it.
Breathe and imagine me cheering for you. You'll make it. I've never doubted that.
thank you marnia I'm sorry,
thank you marnia
I'm sorry, I was totally depressed when I wrote this, your post helps me alot now. Yes I'll have to totally avoid porn in anyways in my life. I'll try this hypnosis wiki.
You know whats funny. With all the relaxation audios I listen to and porn addiction recovery hypnosis, when I think about porn, or anxiety related to porn, I think in english.
Instead of saying
I'm not gay in my mother tongue in my head, I say it in english. Whitout even noticing it. I just noticed I thought in english in some things. I find it funny. I have no problem about understanding english. Even hypnosis.
But does hypnosis work better in your mother tongue?
Anyway, I look forward to the next day
P.S.
So, if I follow the script, I will have to just translate it in my mother tongue before?
Very impressed
Life, I am very impressed with you making it to 12 days. You are only 2 days away from 2 weeks! This is quite a feat. Just keep abstaining as you are so close. I know you want to make it to 2 months, but 2 weeks is a great, great start.
All the
"Affirmation experts" say that it's best to repeat what you WANT, not want you don't want. So "I'm not gay" means your brain constantly hears the word "gay," which is anxiety producing for you. Maybe something about what you WANT your sexuality to look like. Maybe "I'm totally at ease with who I am, and I feel good about my sexual tastes."
Glad you're feeling better. Periods of depression just seem to happen during rewiring. They pass.
*big hug*
13th day today. I found a
13th day today.
I found a moment to write a littlesomething, an update about the addiction.
Im really impressed on how it is easier this time then the last one to not mb, is it normal? Or maybe its just because of my determination? I'm happy about that I feel less urge to mb now. But maybe it will become harder soon thanks for your support, i wont fail
i now cant support hearing the word "gay" it makes me become anxious and I almsot panic. I wanna win this fight. Tomorrow, it's going to be the 14th day, two weeks. Last time I managed to not mb for 15 days, the 2 motnhs wont be so hard.
seeya
ill get myself back
p.s.
I stopped saying to myself "Im not gay!!!" I changed it too, I knnow I'll come back to myself soon. I am heterosexual. Seems to work
It does
get easier the more you return to balance. Then the occasional orgasm isn't such a BIG EVENT in terms of stirring up an intense withdrawal cycle.
So glad you're noticing improvements.
Hey! 13th day before going
Hey!
13th day before going to bed. My girlfriend came to my house tonight. We as usual laid down and hugged, kissed, well bonding behaviors. I realized after like 5 minutes I had an hard on, Ihad my pants on. We altered kissing and talking. Then the erection seemed to loose in hardness. even when she started stroking it, gently. I still had an erection but no has usuall. Then when she stopped, it just faded away. Could it be linked to the andidepressants, like I have no problem to achieve to erection but fades away quickly? Like I need alot of stimulation. Or maybe only the anxiety?
I've read
that antidepressants can cause that. I think because it tends to increase your sertonin levels up which generally pushes the dopamine response down. The doctor can prescribe something to help counteract that. You might talk to him about it.
Also stress can cause that as well. So the less stressful you can be, the easier you'll stay hard. But at least it sounds like you can enjoy the bonding part well enough. A focus on that part right now sounds like it would be a lot of help for you and her. Have you talked with her about all this? Don't know how open your relationship is about these types of things.
But I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. Congrats!
It's great
that you're enjoying your time with her. I'd just trust my body's timing if I were you. There could be good reasons for not getting overheated right now. Give it time.
Suggestion: just focus on making her feel loved and nurtured with affectionate touch, and don't put your attention on yourself at all for now.
Oh yes, it is very common
for any anxiety to result in the loss of an erection. Sometimes we are not even consciously aware of the source of the anxiety, so, checking the state of your penis for how hard or soft it is for the time being is not the answer. Just allowing it for the time being is a better bet since erections come and go and always seem to go when there is any anxiety or fear.
Tell yourself, even though I do not have an erection in this moment, I completely love myself, unconditionally accept myself and totally forgive myself. Do not be disapproving of yourself because you are not currently hard even though you want to be.
You got one in the first place, so, she turned you on or aroused you, so it will happen again at some point but only when the little animal part of your brain feels totally safe, secure and okay with what ever is going on in the moment.
I'm sure I've said this before,
but oxytocin ("cuddle chemical" ) is a necessary ingredient for erections in men according to research. That's why putting your attention on her, and keeping it there is a good strategy for staying relaxed enough to sustain erection. Happy snuggling!
(This research has always made me wonder about rapists' erections and porn session erections. Does a "high-dopamine trance" override the normal arousal pattern??? Obviously there can be more to the picture. Still, the above technique seems to work for men who are not in a "dopamine trance," so that's what really matters.
)
I maid a typing error, when
I maid a typing error, when i talk about the first time i saw a naked woman, its not i had gone through but i had not gone through puberty
Yeah, i see it differently now
To answer to your question Marnia, I think that, at first, young men id say maybe 13 that start viewing porn just watch it bycuriosity. At sometime, I was only watching "porn" to watch "porn" it was naked cartoons of sexual jokes. Then I discovered later about masturbation. But when you start to masterbate to orgasm to it, your brain just starts to associate porn to dopamine. It just wants dopaminebecause the images you see later give the brain high dopamine boost. But only thinking about sex can give a man an erection. It's when you want one badly that it is the most difficult to achieve
.
the first time I saw a picture of a naked woman, I was maybe 7, I discovered it on the internet, it was totally unintentional, I was looking for something on google images. I knew nothing about masturbation. I was extremely arroused and didntreally understand what was going on. But I thought it was "wrong" wich was true at that age. I stayed with an extremely hard erection for a long time though, I had went through puberty though.
I think that I am changing what my brain and myself percieve what sex is and why we have sex for. Usually, my brain just wanted. Its dopamine rush. And that led me to extreme porn. I said NO! To my brain for real 2 weeks ago. I have to tell it to rewire it to associate sex not to dopamine but to being happy with my partner. To give that sexual energy to my partner, my girlfriend. So it doesnt assume that sex = dopamine it has to assume that sex = better connection with the partner. I think I will get better. The book, the brain that changes itself is helping me to understand my brain has to change the circuits to repair the "damages".
I don't know how much time it will take to rewire it. Ill have to completely stop porn so it doesnt use those circuits again. I am maybe coming back to myself but slowly, today, I imagined having sex with my girlfriend, I "visualised it" and had an erection. I was happy about it, although I psuhed away the idea of masturbation. But can antidepressant with kinda help me to get more daily dopamine can reduce the effect of my abstinence. And can lesser my recovery? Any ideas, opinions? Anyway, I'll keep the abstinence going on. Oh, I almost forgot, I seem to be now "immunised" from blue balls, it doesnt hurt anymore.
Oh yes, it's 14 th day now!!!!
I feel happier and more confident. I realized now, but maybe its only me but. but my friends and girls in general since I stopped porn seem to want to hang out more with me or have an increased tendency of hugging me really more often, 75% more maybe. Maybe I seem to be mre confident, I don't know, no one knows i have a porn problem only you and my psychiatrist. My friends (guys) say that I seem to be happier these days. But may women have this sense I dont understand. Women will always amaze me me. I think they really have 6 senses they understand men abd other women easely. Lilethey could read into my head. I don't know. I realized too that a really small number of mrn had that sense. You the ones that always seem to know that something is going wrong. But women have this really more developped sense. They sense self confidence, even maybe, without knowing it.
Seeya,
whoa that was a long post
Thanks for your long post
full of wisdom. I don't know if women are actually more sensitive. Maybe we're just watching less porn.
You guys seem amazingly insightful to me when you're "sober."
Glad to hear that Doidge's book is making things clearer than ever. You keep asking about the antidepressants, but we're not doctors, so we can't really help you with that. I will say that my husband was on them for 7 years...including one year after we met. My sense was that they weren't really doing much...but that's unfair because I had never known him before he took them.
I *can* say that his depression eased over our first year together. Then he tapered off of the medication. And his depression continued to improve. Now, it has been gone for years. We both think the bonding behaviors have a lot to do with that.
How long does your doctor think you'll need them?
Visualizing confident sex with your girlfriend seems like a good idea.
As for the increased contact with your friends...no I don't think you're imagining it. Men report experiences like that over and over as they escape this compulsive use of porn. I loved a comment from one guy around your age: "I'm becoming popular; that's how different things are for me now!!" I'm glad you're having the same experience.
He said: maybe a couple of
He said: maybe a couple of months
Great
That way you'll soon know whether they were at work.
15th day!
Yes! I am now at 15th day!
I felt a urge to masterbate like 5 minutes ago, I pushed it aside. I seem to see very little improvements though I don't know what I would do if I didn't come back to my normal state. Anyway. Today I did again the compulsions of my ocd. I stopped right after. I don't wanna come back to those stupid compulsions. I am still porn free, that's some accomplishment. Just a little question Marnia: When do they talk about porn in the brain that changes itself? It would be nice to know, because I have only the audiobook.
I seem torn apart getting better and the anxiety of not coming back to my normal state. Some days I'm like: I will win and come back to what I was and somedays I'm like: I will stay that arroused by not its original sexuality monster. This question is really getting me anxious. Id love to come back to myself. I'll keep on keeping on even if it gets harder and harder and even if I become more anxious. I'm not sure if I'm optimistic. Id love that my brain would repair the damages soon. I started recording the hypnosis in my mother tongue. Not so easy to do, I have to start again at some places because I hesitate to find the good words
.
Anyway, I'm still alive and thats good
Seeya!
congrats on 15 days. That is
congrats on 15 days. That is great. you are doing well. I can not say how things may go for you. I will say though that I went through a bit of what you are talking about. I went through my phase of shemale and male only porn images and vids. I mean the other stuff just was not doing it for me. I rejected the male images at first. I then slowly went back for more and more as that goes. I then just made it to the point where it did not bother me not only not bother me but I wanted to watch it and then needed to watch it. I like you am very attracted to women. I am not attracted to men outside of my porn viewings.
I now am sure I am not gay. It took some time away from porn for my brain to fully figure that out. Again not sure for you as far as how long you will have to go without porn. It will take more than the 15 days though I do not mean to scare you with that. I am just going by some of the stuff I learned in my recovery. I have been 89 days without porn as of today. I am not sure how long it took really. I am not sure how I would react if I started viewing porn again. I assume I would go back to those types of vids at some point if I fell back into the addiction.
Right now though I have no feelings towards men and only women. I have lost my "need" to view men in that way since I have been so this long without porn.
In my blog I wrote earlier that I was hyper attracted to women today. So for me 80+ days has cleared my mind of the issue of being attracted to men.
Again not sure how it will be for you. From what you describe I think at some point you will balance back to what you consider normal. Try not to go by what others may consider normal. This is about how you feel not what others want you to be like.
Be Safe
James
Hey friend
Hey, thanks for passing by my blog, I'll visit yours.
Hum, by saying I'm not sure on how it will go for you, do you mean time? Or do you mean, I don't know if you will recover? These question are really bothering me right now. I wouldnt survive a permanent change I think, or would have a very sad life.
Yes I'm not attracted to men, I never found men's bodies attractive. I don't think I could masterbate to gay porn, if you consider shemale porn as but what made me go to "gay" porn was gay cybesex, where I saw no images and no faces of men, I would have never get arroused by gay sex I think before, but the shemale porn was "shocking" too, the forbidden nature of a "woman" but with a penis it made me feel anxious, like gay cybersex and made me questionate myself. Thats what my addiction to porn was craving for, dopamine, anxiety + guilt = arrousal thats what I think happened. But yeah I never looked at fully gay porn, I stopped before that.
Well, just a little question, I assume the proccess to your normal sexuality is progressive, that's why I think no one ever ended with an answer when I ask people, how much time did it take. But yeah, thanks alot for your support.
I would never have used it I only I knew
I always fantasized about women, though, I reading the book Marnia suggests: the brain that changes itself, and it kinda helps me.
Really, porn destroyed my life. It kinda make me become some kind of zombie.
Having people telling their own experiences help me, I'm not alone with this.
Thanks again, keep on coming here, I'll visit your blog
You are right it was about
You are right - it was about the time. It is different for everyone. Recovery is possible - well more than possible. It will happen you just need to keep doing what you are doing now and you will be fine. Also if you do relapse try not to be to harsh with yourself. You are doing great.
wishing you well
Be Safe
James
Find the chapter called
"Acquiring Tastes and Loves." It's number 4.
Stay optimistic. I know it's hard not to be impatient, but I think it's unrealistic to think that two weeks will completely stop the pattern. On the other hand, you're already seeing progress.
Brains aren't like light switches, you know.
Thanks marnia
Ill see that chapter really soon, well I wont jump to it, I think this book is amazing, and really interessant.
Neurology is awesome
P.S.
. You are really helping people here. Thanks alot Marnia. I think I wouldnt be able to keep the abstinence up if your site didn't exist.
I just saw your video interview and the site. You have an nice ability to explain complicated things simply. I also found that you were a beautiful woman
You have
certainly not lost your charm.
You are most welcome.
Yes, that book is useful. Did I even give you the link to our chapter on this subject? http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/Cupid-Ch6.pdf It covers a lot of the same ground as the Doidge book. My husband teaches science, so he helped me a lot with it. It's great to know what our brains are up to...in simple terms...and how to train them.
You will recover. Pretend you're teaching a slightly stupid dog
, and be patient. The part of your brain that you're rewiring now has nothing to do with your intelligence. Patience and consistency are the keys.
Anxiety strikes back again!
Yeah, I have been wondering since some time if what I am living is repressed homosexuality, well I think this would be not really possible.
First latent homosexuality is not proven to be true.
1. usually, latent homosexuals are homophobes, and hate gays and say they should'nt have rights and blablabla. I am not an homophobe, never been affraid of gays and never insulted a gay person because this person was gay. I have nothing againsst gay marriage and gay people.
2. Before my porn addiction escalated, I watched once gay porn just to check, I found it not arrousing at all and I found it not fun to watch at all neither.
3. I have loved women all my life.
Conclusion
I am surely not
But anyway I'm worrying about this sometimes. Sorry maybe I am annoying but well. I hope
I just not found alot on latent homosexuality. This bothers me. I should'nt have looked on the internet on this.
Anyway.
Seeya later
I have to stop worrying and let time do it's job, I'll recover!
Remember
to stop the thoughts (and research
) that are producing the anxiety, too, whenever they arise. They seem to be linked to your arousal...and that is not an association that will serve you.
*big hug*
What do you mean, how can I
What do you mean, how can I stop associating axiety to this? Please guide me. So I have to stop looking for the answers and research because it causes me anxiety then arrousal? Am I right?
Yeah! 16th day today!
16th day!!!!
Ive never been this far before and I'm happy about it.
Ill keep on keeping on! Yesterday, I was listening to my hypnosis but I just fel asleep before it finished Ill try again today.
Seeya!
It's my understanding
that the hypnosis works, even as you sleep.
Yes, I meant it might be a good idea to stop the research, and just give your brain time to return to its underlying balance.
You're getting there
You're on the right track. Keep with what's working, and ditch the stuff that makes it harder.
I'm rooting for you.
A little realization
Hey! It's me again, I'm on 16th day night.
Yes well, you'll probably tell me that you cant know because you aren't psychiatrists but I'll just ask to get your advice, or what you think.
Since the antidepressants started to make effect, I noticed, I think some kind of libdo loss, or maybe it is just the fact that I don't use porn anymore?
I read on this reuniting that the orgasm effects makes you even "hornier" after the day you had one, the orgasm cycle.
But I'm just asking a question to myself, could my antidepressants alter my recovery? I think you are the most qualified to answer this, though my psychiatrist isnt a therapist or sexologist and a lot of you know about the brain maps and the brain plastscity.
And maybe it is just the placebo effect of having a loss of libido but, I think this loss of libido helps me to let porn addiction fade away and see things differently.
I assume stopping the use of porn will even if I don't experience a withdraw effect, my brain still has the ability to chainge and get back to it's normal state
I you just can't answer I'll let this go and let time do it's work.
Just tell me if I'm becoming annoying, I'll stop with these kind of question if you think so
Seeya
thanks alot
P.S.
I just, realized, I write on the site as if I was writing a journal. You know, but an anonymous journal with comments. I try to see things differently again. I would like to make a portrait of me before and after porn. And after the addiction. I just don't understand my life. I don't understand how I could become what I've become. How was this possible?
I think I have still some kind remains of my old self inside. It's fighting to get out, over the one that is there prensently. I do not like myself. I have to find a way to love myself again. I don't wanna be what I am. I think I've never been that far in abstinence since I'm 13.
16 days. it seems enormous to me. Whoa, the more I think about it, the more it amazazes me. I have tried so much times before without being able to stop. And now I'm on my 16th day.
I wonder what I am going to become after this. I wonder how I will feel about others, and about myself.
I noticed that the urge to masterbate comes by cycle, I find it easier at the end of the week to not masterbate than at the begining. Now, my brain is telling my body to masterbate. I tell it NO!, as if I was talking to a dog. My willpower is becoming more powerful. I am still into the ocd, I will try again to stop the compulsions, but sometimes they are very hard to stop. I totally stopped going to the bathroom to see if my penis is erected when I panic about it. But I do everythig to avoid the word "gay" (no offense to gay people). Or any thoughts related to it. It triggers anxiety to me. I'll have to work on this since I know that guilt and anxiety are related to my arrousal template.
I work on vizualations. I have a girlfriend that loves me, I have good friends, I will succeed. Each day I go free from porn is a day free from darkness, from sin, from sadness, anxiety and anger. I thought of suiciding before. I was just saying to myself, I'd better kill myself than stay like this. I kept on crying for hours like this, whining won't help me.
Now, this time is behind. Suicide is NOT an option.
I'm alive and I have to work on my brain, work on myself.
I realized I had to find things to help to relief my anxiety and bordom. This sites helps me to relief anxiety and recieving advises. I need to exercise more, but I can't find the time. I wanna spend more time with my friends. So I listen to music, read, and write.
I am the master of my own body, my body is not my master. This is what I have to think, this is what has to be and this what I have to become.
Oh yes, I almost forgot to ask you.
Is it normal to have an erection while listening to hypnosis? I experienced this, this last weekend. I never experienced it before. I think I was in the deepest state of hypnose I had ever been. Then i started having this, half-erection. It scared me because, the recording was narrated by a man...
I stopped the hypnosis, I recorded mine. I just started using, I have some things to improve, it is not perfect but. I think I experienced the same thing again, but less.
Is this normal? Are erections normal during hypnosis?
That's a lot of questions!
First, yes some people notice changes in libido with anti-depressants. They may be helping with some aspects of your recovery and slowing others. Since you don't plan to be on them for very long, I wouldn't worry about it. Trust that they're just what you need right now.
Second, please don't feel guilty about your past. Most people on this planet learn some things the hard way. I certainly did! There's no need to feel bad about it. The way I look at it, even if you "wasted" a bit of time, it could have taken far longer to wake up to what was going on and stop your trajectory. You should congratulate yourself for recognizing the problem and addressing it with your full intention.
Anyone on this planet who learns to master his sex drive and find a workable balance is doing quite well. This challenge comes with being a human - if records from the past are any indication.
Erections often happen spontaneously, especially when men relax, whether during massage or hypnosis, affectionate foreplay, or whatever. If Seeker's experience is any guide, you can expect erections to increase in frequency and strength as you continue to cut back on masturbation (and avoid all fantasy/porn). He was so surprised by this turn around that he actually researched erections on the Web. I included some of his research in this wiki (scroll down): http://www.reuniting.info/node/3287
I plan to record the hypnosis script, too, so there will be a "female" version for those who prefer it.
17th day!
Hey!
I'm on 17th day!
I'm happy about it, I think my brain is starting to rewire, I think it's kinda starting to pay less attention to masturbation. Before, when I felt arroused, I thought about one thing, masturbation. It's fading away with time.
I'm still fighting,
Sorry, for the short update, I'm going to sleep I am too tired to write.
Seeya!
Short is good
Hope you got a good night's sleep. That's another sign of balance.
18th day!
Hey!
Yes you read that, 18th day!
I'm soooo happy about it.
Anyway, I have noticed some weird things happening that I never attached importance to that I think may be weird maybe they are some kind of arrousal linked experiences I have since I'm really young. I think most of em have disapeared but I have flashes of them.
Take note before you read, I think, what I'll be explaining will be hard to understand. I'll do my best to explain.
Anaway. here they are:
thats awesome the car goes so much faster like this. And at one point I had an erection. I was like huh? Then I remembered sometimes like this I dunno. When I play games or something like that and change something in the game to make it more exciting, to "boost" the car or get invincible, I remember sometimes having erections. Don't ask me why. It always got me confused. I never masturbated on this but I found it weird though. Since it's going like this since I'm young. I don't know how it can be connected to sexual arrousal? Any ideas?
Today I was playing a game, and then I thought of doing something different in the game, I dunnno how to explain this to you but I said to myself like, I'm gonna change something in the game so it's gonna alot faster and anything. Well I used cheats. Anyway, I realized, I was playing and I was like
Another one,
When I was 8 or 9 years old, I found an old pack of pull-ups (unused) in my closet. I had the idea to take one and put it on just for fun and then removing it. It's just a flash, but I remember having an erection. Anyway I didn't understand. Anyway, I never did it again.
Last one.
I remember I once thought of shaving my pubes, I had heared of this somewhere. But when I thought of it I became very arroused by the idea.
Thats it.
Well, I would like to know if it could be connected to it or had influenced my porn addiction.
Why did this trigger sexual arrousal?
Anyway, I'm looking forward for the 19th day!
I am recovering!
Super
Keep on rolling. You're in new territory now. New ground to explore your feelings thoughts, to see where bringing those brain chemicals into balance will take you. Enjoying reading your post even if I don't always comment.
And Marnia answered the questions well enough, so I won't bother. What she said.
You sound good
Anything risky or novel tends to increase dopamine in the brain (and register as exciting). Sexual arousal correlates also with increasing dopamine. So it's not surprising that your brain found such things both exciting AND arousing. At least, nothing you write sounds that weird to me.
Maybe I'm weird.
Thanks
Thanks for the answer, I don't think that you are weird, haha, I think that you are "open-minded" I am the one weird here
Very well,
if you insist.
Pages