Thanks for the thoughts and book suggestion. Ive got a break coming up, so it might be a good time to catch up on some reading.

This relapse last night was heavy, but Im glad to be through it safe and intact. My major bottom line is getting an escort (a nice way of saying prostitute). This act for some reason has a major impact on my life. My self esteem hurts when I do this, I put myself in danger, and I lose money. Also, the act is so charged with excitement, fear, and shame, that it proves to be the most powerful cocktail for me. The after effects have been nothing less than brutal in the past. However, last week wasnt that bad initially, but my mood and thoughts over the last couple of weeks were affected.

On friday night I saw these urges creeping back up. I was still feeling some of the shame from my earlier relapse over a week before and I was a little set off by a feeling of rage and rejection from a girl that I felt I was interested in. The feeling of rejection and the ensuing rage from my ex was a major factor in trying out a prostitute in the first place. I was feeling these feelings and I knew I was in trouble because I had the entire weekend to whiteknuckle this. I had to do something else. It felt like the odds were stacked against me. So, instead of going through the ritual and following through with the act, I knew that if I were to masturbate, I could save myself a lot of pain. I felt reluctant because I didnt want to lose my week, but the alternative was just not bearable. I did healthy masturbation and it was successful. No fantasy or nothing. I felt no shame or anything with the act. However, I think I was pumping up my dopamine earlier as I was starting to look at porn. I thought that it was done and over with, I had made some compromise to keep me safe for the weekend and I didnt get sucked into the nightmare. I looked at porn and masturbated a few times that night as a binge and woke up and did once more this morning. I thought that it might be too soon for the healthy masturbation, but it did prevent me from crossing a major line, so Ill deal with the binge for now.

The whole situation scared me because it is just too easy for me to get around my site blocker. I worked it out where I have a safe person to hold my password and have my temporary password forwarded to them instead of me. The only way to get to those sites is if I get into contact with him first. So at least I am safe. Like right now, I cannot get to porn on my computer no matter how hard I tried. However, my phone I can, but ill have to figure that out later. I cant make it easy to have access to porn right now.

Overall, I dont like relapsing, but I REALLY dont like breaking my bottom line, so I dont feel so bad right now. Not much shame, just the foggy feelings, but they will pass.

First day not having full accessibility. I didnt have any last night either. I feel safe for right now and am looking forward to some peace of mind. My approach is definitely changing, or at least my attitude with recovery. I find that abstaining is a helpful tool in giving myself the time and space to develop good habits and life skills. Im going to keep at abstaining with this in mind more so than trying to reach a destination of no orgasm. However, its difficult to manage and balance all of this in the middle of an addictive episode. Im all for rewiring my brain with abstaining, I just need to make sure its a healthy transition. I think healthy masturbation could help me in avoiding the worst, but like everything else here, its a tool that I need to learn when and how to use.

I slept like a rock last night and just kept sleeping until the afternoon. I mainly just kept to doing things that I might do on a normal weekend. Kept mostly to myself this weekend, so a bit of the isolation. I need to make better use of my time alone for sure. Im kind of starting to see some of the reasons that I isolate. They arent too clear at the moment, so I wont write about them, but Ive noticed that Im starting to uncover some of the patterns and reasons.

A little of the depression today, but Ill take it over drowning in porn and addiction any day. This is going to work out eventually. It feels like Im dealing with some of the barebones of this addiction. I dont think Ive really dealt with some of the underlying feelings that drove me into my addiction to begin with. It feels like this might be starting to surface. The rage, anxiety, and depression were pretty heavy at times during the times I was abstaining fully.

My sleep schedule has been terrible, but Im not feeling too bad because Im getting enough of it. Spring break is pretty much here and my classes are sparse this week, so I have to fight to keep myself busy. I hope to catch up on my work and study at my leisure.

No real urges today, no real depression either. Kind of a neutral day. I felt better getting out of the house and getting to the gym. Going to the gym and maintaining my workout schedule despite relapses has given me some confidence. Also, getting through my schoolwork. Maybe not as effectively, but my life doesnt fall apart. When my life falls apart, it only amplifies the pain.

I have a job interview tomorrow as well. Money has been a stressor lately too, and having a job will be a major relief. I am excited because its a job in education, something that I have a passion for as well as science. Last year I was pretty close to going overseas to teach english but I chickened out at the last minute because I was just getting out of the worst of my acting out and I was feeling a little scrambled to say the least. Probably better, getting in trouble in a foreign country might not be a good idea. This job is teaching english to foreign students, so I dont even have to leave the country. Teaching this subject is new to me so it will be challenging. But I need something like this to delve into and keep my mind busy. School is good, but Im finding that I just need more right now since for some reason I have this weird thing in me telling me that I dont deserve anything, etc.

Difficult stretch right now. Once you open the doors, you are really opening the floodgates. As wrenching as it is, it does seem to offer a glimpse into what is happening below the surface of my addiction and what is driving the compulsion. Im realizing how much this shame is operating just below the surface. I have been starting to get a glimpse of this recently and now Im looking at how this has been working in my past. Its been a pretty powerful part of my life and addiction over the years and here it is in all of its ugliness bubbling to the surface. The combination of practicing abstinence and paying attention to the cognitive aspects through my other programs has helped to show what this shame is. I know having awareness of it will help with getting it out of my life, but also, becoming aware of it is overwhelming and daunting. What makes it harder is that my reason doesnt even identify these acts as shameful, but I seem to strengthen this shame when I am in my addiction.

This recent relapse after about 3 days started with intriguing on a chat site. Even though I have my porn blocker up, this site isnt a porn site, but people do get naked on it. I was talking to other people and having fun, but in the back of my mind I wanted to meet someone to intrigue with. I met some nice girls, I also experienced some rejection. I did this compulsively in the same way that I would look at porn for many hours. My dopamine was surging and I started intriguing over trying to find a real sexual partner even if I had to pay for it. Since I blocked these sites on my computer, I started using the internet on my iphone. It was more intrigue. This struggle lasted even more hours because I did not want to go through with the act. At this point I was tired and I knew if I had acted, I would regret it, but I wanted a fix. End the end I used porn on my phone as a "compromise" and was able to end that ordeal and focus on other things and get to sleep. I had the inclination to binge after that one time, but I did not because Im tired of all of this.

Im just in the thick of this right now and I need to keep trying what will work and keeping awareness. Ive got a few things to do today and its my workout day, so I will stay pretty busy. It might be a little hard to "face the world", but I know it will help. Isolation is the worst thing for me right now.

Yes isolation really is crippling. Being alone is one of the worst feelings in the world. it makes me look foward to going to work some days despite it not being a dream job for the sheer fact that i get to interact with so many wonderfull people. I live by myself and it can be pretty deppresing at times but i try to keep myself busy. but alot of friday and weekend nights i find myself alone and that is when lonliness usually hits me hardest. I have to say that the situation has been getting better lately, i am trying to schedule as much social time into my life as possible. it would be so nice to get asked out and go out on a weekend date...lol when that happens ill know things have taken a turn for the better . I have an interview with an organization in a couple of weeks that i will possibly start volunteering at.

keep on fighting!!!! and try not to beat yourself over the head when you trip. Just curious, how often are you alone, how frequently do you get together with friends or family? have you hung out lately with any of them or attempted to establish contact with them? have u thought about trying the meditation? :-) it could possibly work wonders . just a tip: if you find you need to study and the silence of a library triggers those isolation feelings which happens to me at times, try studying at barnes and noble, its alot more lively and theres better opportunites to meet people. I acutally got hit on by a man last week...the only thing was that he appeared to be at least twice my age if not more , so i was a little uncomfortable with that and turned down his offer as politely as i could. but i was getting hit on, thats whats important isnt it?? j/k lol
take care

Sometimes it just feels like you are at the mercy of this thing. Im just trying to hold onto my dignity and a shred of sanity. Even in the throes of this addiction, there are other angles I can take to hack at this. I just have to accept that sometimes it gets rough and sometimes there are times where it doesnt seem like you are doing too well. I need to learn to accept myself during these dark moments. With the way that Im feeling right now, Im remember that this misery used to be norm! I can handle this rough patch, I have been through this before. It only hurts so much because I have had a taste of some sanity. I have tools to get through this and I know how to get through this, its just that sometimes the feelings are overwhelming and get the best of me.

My relapse had to do with getting on this chat site that I didnt have blocked on my computer. I have blocked it now and keeping less accessibility will help me in tough times. Its already made it harder, but now I dont have access to porn on my computer. I know once I get running, this will be helpful. Im going to figure out a way to limit it on my phone. I just have to take these measures in addition to the inner work right now. I know these feelings will start to blow over and I will gain more control.

It was kind of a weird day. I went out on a date with a girl from my class, I wasnt really feeling that good coming off a binge, but I went anyways because I enjoy her company. I always see her around and she seemed interested in me. You could tell that both of us are a little nervous, but we seemed to be a little into each other. So we meet for coffee and have a good conversation and we meet later to watch a show, I bring my friend and she is with all of her friends. I tried my best to be social despite feeling hungover and "off". It was a little nerve racking because it seemed like she wanted to hang out later and I told her that I would maybe text, etc. It was a little awkward because we both are and I just wasnt feeling like a totally confident guy because of all the weird shame and toxicity right now. I texted her later and she had something to do, so I just left it at that. Its fine, It was still awkward because she apologized and stuff, but I just felt strange because of all the weird stuff in my head. It wasnt a disaster, but it is showing how this addiction is affecting my sociability among other things.

Still made it to the gym and sticking through with it, but I need to get control of my life again and stay sane. No urge to act out tonight and I feel safe, so I will be fine. I think the socializing helped. My friend wanted to keep drinking and go to a party, but i didnt want to go through a night of heavy drinking with my mind the way it is! But we did go out and have a beer and had male time, so that was good.

Everything will be fine. Ive got my eyes on the prize still and I havent acted out on my major bottom line in nearly three weeks. that memory is fading.

Could you try the cold water technique? The hypnosis script?

*boosts Sun back onto the wagon*

PS. Good for you: socializing when you didn't feel like it. Very healthy step.

I should get into the habit of being more social during withdrawals. I have been feeling the physical withdrawals lately and some nervousness, but its a trick of our own minds that tells that that we arent very sociable. Maybe I dont feel like hanging out with people, but that probably means that I need to.

I think Im going to take it easy today and stay around the house and do simple things. I might try to meet up with my friend later.

Not feeling too bad today, feeling motivated to take care of business and paying attention to some aspects of recovery.

you're on the way to finding a new balance for yourself. Bravo!

And thanks for asking that girl to dance. I'm sure you brightened her evening, too! I guarantee you she wasn't there just to hang out with her friends.

a bonding behavior. Eye contact, maybe some touch, mutual focus. Glad you notice its benefits. Are there partner yoga classes around? Maybe those would work for you, too.

This is what I've been talking about for months. Get your yin energy via non-sexual bonding behaviors, and you won't feel so desperately hungry. Less risk of acting out. And you really are a gift to the women, too, when you share yourself without totally focusing on "getting some."

*big hug*

tired today. Meeting up with my friend to go get something to eat in a sec. Im starting to grow to like this guy. He's a bit of an ass when he drinks too much, but he usually apologizes the next day and he seems to be pretty cool about things. Its good to have a friend.

I am a little frustrated tonight and it is my fault I think. We meet up at a bar and these girls he had met meet us there. They were beautiful, he gets the green light because he was an asshole to her, I get the thumbs down because I was too needy and nice

Major trigger for me in the past to just very hard on myself, now its just something that I need to get through. Not to become an asshole, but to not be this overly needy nice guy. I wasnt as bad as I have been in the past, but Im recognizing that its kind of a compulsion and it comes from a weak part of me. The shame seems to drive a lot of it too.

My friend and I come back and he's way drunk telling me how I keep messing these things up for myself. He's kicking me in the ass, and he's 100% right. The world feels so backwards, but the reality is the way it is for a reason and I cant hide behind "the world is just unfair". Its probably best to learn how to deal with it and learn how to be satisfied in myself instead of dependent on the validation and approval of a woman. This is hitting some core issues for me. I want to escape in my blanket of either fantasy or porn. Im also in withdrawals too a bit and it has me coming off a little weak right now, but better than isolation. I just have to learn to deal with this kind of pain right now, its in my face, its hurting, its an opportunity to both meet people and confront my stuff and I should be happy with that. Yeah, I was a lot more confident the nights before, but these thoughts and issues are making themselves known in a strong way. My main task is just not going into a downward spiral with this right now and trying to engage and grow from even painful interactions.

I was engaging in a conversation without completely freezing up with a good looking woman, but I just blew it in a fundamental way. Baby steps, just getting out there and talking to women is a step, now I just paaaaiiiinfuuullly need to not let it effect my core of how I feel about myself. I need to learn to be resilient and move on, something that I have not learned to do with this yet. Major emotional triggers involved in this. My friend is staying with me tonight so I feel that I am at least safe from acting out. Im kind of thankful to have the opportunity though, I guess this pain is better than the pain and stagnation of isolation.

If the transition going from a spineless cater-to-a-girl's every whim boy to a man owning his male sexuality involves a little machismo, then Im fine with it. Right now I do not have the sick "longings" for my "other half" and willing to be a doormat for it. No, the transition is not graceful, but like the feeling of rage when I am going through withdrawals, I am happy to accept it because it is not the same depression and fear that I am used to living with. Rage is not ideal, but I am happy to see that I am experiencing something other than those things that I have been stuck in for so long. I consider it a sign of progress. Im also thinking of "macho" the same way. Its not ideal, but Ill take it over what I have been doing. Sex, even in its decrepit form, is still a great motivator to achieve worldly qualities. Worldly qualities are needed for me. You might be missing something with this, learning to be a man and accepting your masculinity is a pretty in depth spiritual practice in itself, if youve mastered it, it would probably be kinda weird.

Im just going with it right now, my encounters havent brought me to casual sex this week and I am exploring my feelings about it and practicing detachment from the outcome. Also, Im getting a real sense of what is happening at a deeper level in me. These are painful and sensitive areas of my life, they need to be conquered in a very macho way. Imagine Bruce Willis at the climax of an action/adventure cinema, well, thats what my week feels like. kind of.

It might not be a winding path! I could be dead on. Im at a week right now, was my path less "winding" a week ago when i wasnt doing these things, but struggling in the same way that I have been for so long? I could be dead on track right now. My motivations are in meeting real people for connections, sexual or not. Of course there is a part of me that does want sex, but that part of me is NOT taking over, in fact, that part of me is forced to be patient and accept the circumstances that would prevent it. That part of me wins when I am at home alone whiteknuckling. Our lives, experiences, and growth are dynamic and are always going to surprise our best interpretations and judgements.

You are an awesome goddess for sure and your caring is divine, Marnia. I was kind of hoping that more experienced men that have been through this transition could help me out too. I havent gotten a whole lot of feedback from them here. Maybe Im in the wrong place for this? I hope that at least other readers are benefitting from this. C'mon guys, what the hell...

I need to explain this again. The definition is not always clear. There is a difference between a guy who is nice and a "Nice Guy". A "Nice Guy" is a man who is ruled by his own internal shame and ill self-conception. At their very core lies a void when there should be strength, direction, and purpose. By nature, women are drawn to these qualities and consider a man who does not have them to be no different than a girl who happens to have a penis. Being a "Nice Guy" is a sad and frustrating experience for a man, not just because he doesnt find a companion or sex, but because he is not living according to his deepest masculine nature. Its not about being macho or being a jerk, its about owning yourself and responsibilities and healing our self-directed rage, shame, depression, and fears. There is no "game" other than the one that exists in our nature, either we acknowledge that this reality exists and confront why we are pained by our maladjustment to it, or we suffer in ignorance disconnected from our real nature. A guy who is nice can either be a "Nice Guy" or a guy that is nice because, at his core, he is satisfied with himself and his niceness comes from that. His niceness is proportional and does not overwhelm and is not attached to "hidden contracts" that are manipulative.

We are wrestling with our addictions together, so in that sense I do consider you like a brother and have a lot of respect for you and your path and struggles. I want your success in these things as much as I want mine. There is a lot happening here besides the addiction though.

that a pick up artist might be a sleazy person who manipulates a woman's nature to get them in bed. That does happen and I would hope that is not in your nature.

Here is an example, say that I dress nice to go to a party. I know that by showering and taking care of myself that I am more likely to attract and talk to women. Does that mean that I am "gaming". Of course not. I might dress that way for both the reason of feeling good about myself AND the possibility of meeting a woman, but just because I do it with the partial purpose in mind of meeting a woman does not mean that I am a sleazy person. It means that I care enough about the way that I look to attract a woman. The same can said for knowing how to hold yourself while talking to a woman. Most people reading these things come to the conclusion that they need to acknowledge some deeper issues that's making them "wormy" to begin with and that behavior modification isnt everything, but seeing first hand and gaining outer experience can really boost your confidence in dealing with all people.

I understand that you would not want to marry someone you meet at a bar, but not all events or venues are the same. Parties could be an art show or a formal dinner. There's a whole range of functions that hopefully you will want to experience and really, who's to say that there is not a quality woman at these places. Even a bar. I know a lot of sane women that go to a bar.

Most of this really is demystifying this whole overwhelming task and removing the anxiety so that women can see the real us underneath all of this. Even a situation of a girl that you talk to in class will present the same kinds of challenges that you might experience in a club setting in a sense.

Dont sell yourself short on not being able to talk to women. You are a genuine person who has wrestled with some very crazy stuff, you are real. Any girl would be lucky to have a partner with those qualities, but if these things like shame, poor self-conception, and internalized rage keep preventing you from showing your real self, nobody will never know who you are. Yes, this subject is more of an external technique, a kind of fake till you make it kind of thing, and should be supplemented by all the other inner work we do, but its a good way to meet a ton of people and get your feet wet in the social world. I guarantee that you will find a date when some of this fog starts to clear. But dont wait for the fog to clear, jump in and make it clear. Social interactions all the way. Kill your shame, its worthless.

Yes, this week has been a good lesson in that. When Im engaged in the experience and having a good time, I am a lot happier and things seem to click better. No doubt, you are spot on. However, Im not trying to be the "safe guy" either. Ive been that guy for a long time and to be honest, Im not at all into it. Its fine if I want a girl as a friend, but I have tons of those. I meet mostly women as friends because I am that "safe guy" that they can talk to their problems with and I listen all of that. That's great, but Im interested in other things. The maintaining secrets thing is spot on as well and yes that is sleazy, but again, thats not what this is about. This is about being upfront with myself and my intentions and making them known, taking risks, and standing my ground and being able to endure the fallout.

Im all for nice people doing their thing, but just because youre nice doesnt mean youre genuine. I find that a lot of nice people have covert contracts and are secretly passive aggressive and are often frustrated because they cannot ask to get their needs met. It might make people feel better to feel that they are CHOOSING a righteous path that is against the grain of what society might say is normal, but to be honest, for a man to genuinely honor his masculinity in our culture in a real way is rare. Most men in our culture do not know how to own themselves and find themselves settling in unsatisfactory partnerships. Its easy to write this kind of talk off as machismo, and its unfortunate that it gets interpreted that way, but look at how weak men are in our culture due to things like porn. If these same men werent afraid to try to get their REAL needs met, and werent afraid of failure, this wouldnt be a problem. I feel that the process itself is refining of our nature. Teetering on the fence is not an option and keeping secrets is not the way a man would conduct his business.

Im not saying that I have this down and that my current actions espouse my final goal, but its feels a heck of a lot better than feeling like Im walking on eggshells and being frustrated about not getting my needs met. Im plowing through, getting some needs met, not getting others met, and it feels A LOT better.

No doubt, a real man isnt sleazy because he doesnt need a woman for validation or sex, he is fine on his on. Seeking validation and sex in a needy way is the kind of thinking that weakens us, not any individual act itself.

"And while you may be focused on trying not to let that be your primary motivation, it comes across at least in what you write that you feel the evening has been successful or not based on whether you were able to snag a woman."

Yes, Im still definitely an addict. An addict is attached to outcome. I could be in my room attached to the outcome of achieving orgasm on a screen. However, the computer is not going to slap me for being sleazy and I have to learn to let things go. I go out tonight, I would have been open to meeting a woman for the night, but I did not. I left and I accepted it. If I got on the computer with the intention of orgasm, I wouldnt have turned it off until I reached it. So yes, youre spot on. Thats the point!

And the whole thing with the mask, very true, its shame based and it shows in my interactions in a painful way. But to be able to see this happening in 3-D is a very motivating happening. Im faced with the repercussions of my mood and thoughts in real time. What more could I want, and what better way to motivate me to confront these internal errors than to have a real woman reject me? You see, Im part of the human race, we go out and we learn from being around people and interacting with them. My trouble is in the area of intimacy, so I find situations where I can be in the heart of this. Im tired of this careful avoidance thing, Im taking the elevator with recovery. Im owning my desires and putting them in the real world without the fantasy. The real world, nature, is the ultimate teacher. Our biological nature isnt cruel and we arent in a struggle against it, thats our screwed up heads. Nature is fine, we just need to listen to it right.

Sorry for the near attack on you. It is all that mental shit that goes on in my head this close to orgasm. My addicted side is just looking for any excuse to get what it wants. That being said I still stand by most of what I said. However I do agree with you on the essence of what you are saying. I am at one extreme and you are at the other I think on this scale, well at least the one in my head. We are both trying to get to that "Being a Man" in the middle. I am going to be a little harsh on both of us here. I am definitely in the "Nice Guy" mode you describe here.

This is so where I am at. That being said there is another aspect of myself I am not explaining well. I am an introvert and most likely an Aspie. Now I am not going to let labels like these keep me from moving forward. No matter what mess I was spewing last night that is just the fallout and mental shit I need to break free from. These labels will give you an idea of where I am at. I am going to have to work at this from a different angle. Here is a link that describes the "game" I am talking about and how I do not and maybe can not grasp it fully or at all. Again not going to accept I can not learn to interact with people cause I believe I can I just need to go about it differently. Not going to give up on myself either as I hope you do not give up on yourself. I do not think you are either.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/article332.html

read that whole thing. that is how my mind mostly functions in such situations. That is why it is hard for me to grasp what you do.
Again not going say to myself oh well look I am this aspie person I quit not going to be able to interact with people so I give up.
Screw that. I can change myself if I want to. I am doing that. I am doing it fast. with diet exercise and supplements. Being here and talking you this community. I actually stood in front of a small group of people and gave a speech. Not very good but that is not the point I did it.

Now about this discussion we are having. We may need to start a new thread. I want to continue. I really think we can help each other.
We are on opposite ends I think of where we need to be. Me the Nice Guy. here I will be harsh. I think you may know this maybe not. It is just reading your post you come across as a predator when you talk about women. Not an evil one but your approach comes across that way. You need to hunt them and make that score. It is like a cat stalking catching the mouse playing around with it and then getting tired of its "toy" and moving on not hunting for food but for sport. I think you need to hunt for just the "food". What I mean by that is a relationship that nourishes you and not triggers your predator addiction response. Some of your post on here describes that at least that is how I see it. Not trying to attack you just trying to get where we both are at.

So I need to be more of a Man then this Nice Guy the way you describe it. I agree not a good place to be. I have been there most of my life and still am. You I think need to not be so aggressive about it. I think there is a very goo middle ground. Maybe try a different approach. Not sure if it will work for you. If I can put myself out of my comfort zone with people interaction. Maybe you can. I think you are closer than me. I just think the attack mode is bad. What I am saying is try not to go to these places like you describe in this thread. It is places where you go to score or pick up women. Do you do much of going to the library, or Coffee shop or park or just anywhere there are lots of people around but not in the setting you describe. I am not sure how to explain it completely. Just going somewhere you can connect with people but not have a goal other than being around people. Quite study or just sit and watch people. I think this going to the other places is just your addicted side getting its fuel.

Now I need to do the same thing. This for an opposite reason. I do not get out very much. I need to go to places with people and interact. I need to be able to be around people, lots of people without freaking out. I really need to work on social skills. I need work on confidence and self esteem. I am just a coward and weak in some aspects. like you describe. I just am in agony over not being a man. it hurts A lot. I lash out when that comes to the fore front. It really hurts to see it and it is hard to accept. I need you to point out some things that can help me to get past this weakness. however I need to go about it a different way. I can not go the extrovert, attack mode way. I need to build myself up some how. I am working on that. I am doing my workouts and getting in better shape. That is helping with my confidence. I am getting out a little more that is helping. I am still weak and almost powerless in some aspects that I would like to change. I do not want or need to be a pick up artist or even that macho seeming type person. A confident man though that is what I would really like to be.

This is what I want. I think we can work together. I am not saying your approach is wrong really. I just think you need to reset a bit.
Same as me how I am going about this may not work completely either. Well I am sure it will not. So I am asking for help.

I am still not mentally sharp like I should be so I hope that all came out clear.
Wishing you well
Be Safe
James

you can't win if you don't play. So stay in the game.

The other thing that's for sure is that if you keep playing you'll learn whatever you need to in order to become the person you truly want to be. It can be very useful to try on different mindsets, and to keep what works and tinker with whatever doesn't.

Good luck to you both. It has been very inspiring to watch your progress.

And Sun, that was some story about you and your "inability to problem solve." Wow! You have an excellent, very perceptive mind (Seeker, too). Just goes to show how we can really buy into false stuff about ourselves.

We'll put this on the shelf and feel free to bring it back up down the road. Its heavy stuff for sure. Healing the inner landscape is important for being social and being social is important for healing the inner landscape. The idea of women is daunting, so keep trying to be social with what you are doing. Oh, guy friends. Hang out with guys, bond with them. Its good companionship and there is a lot less of the game involved. It can be surprisingly healing.