1 year since I found reuniting

It has been one year or a little over. Looking for help I found this site about a year ago. I still am unsure of why I decided to quit using porn. It just struck me one day that I needed to stop. I had tried to stop before. Well not really tried to stop. I tried to stop visiting porn sites. I had a large collection of porn. I figured I had enough. I kept trying to stop visiting porn sites. I kept failing at that. Even though I had that large collection built up over years and years. I had even lost large amounts in hard drive failures and other mishaps. Well every time I tried to quit the sites I could not. I would go a week maybe two. I think even a month or so once. I was still using my saved porn and fantasy oh I used a lot of fantasy during those times of trying to quit visiting porn sites. I had always used fantasy. It was just I needed that, what I know now as novelty, that extra something I could never grasp. I needed more. I did not really see it at the time. I "knew" it but did not really think about it. I always needed more. I had to have more to satisfy my hunger. My mind was always hungry for more. I would click through images on sites endlessly for hours trying to find that perfect image. I never found it but it was not from lack of trying. I would just go till I could not hold out any longer. Some times it would be just the one orgasm. Sometimes I would after hours of looking and holding off go for several after that and not worry about what image I was looking at. Sometimes not even looking at images after that. It was a different hunger then. I have an idea of what that other hunger was now. It was that extreme dopamine high and then very hard crash. Having that dopamine surge for hours and hours would just cause intense cravings for orgasm most of the time after finally giving in.

Well then I decided to go without porn one day. Not just not going to new sites or new images. I was going to try to go without porn at all. I made it a day or so I think. Then after giving in to masturbation and orgasm after fantasy I was back to needing that porn high again. I knew then that I had a problem. This is all a little fuzzy being over a year ago. I do remember parts of it though. I knew after this I needed to try and stop it all. Not sure how I knew. I just knew. I am not really sure what made me decided this. I just woke after all of this one day and decided I would go without masturbation or porn. If you go back to my early blogs I wrote about that first try. Looking back it was pretty amazing going 7 days on that first try. I am not sure how I made it that far. http://www.reuniting.info/node/2127

Well I made a few tries that first couple of months. I did OK really. I did not think so at the time but looking back I was expecting too much too soon. I just did not realize how much work and effort it was going to take. Not to scare anyone trying to quit porn. It can be done. It just takes hard work and determination. It is worth it. Well after saying that I will go back to my fall. I did well for awhile. I struggled and relapsed several times. One day I just lost control and did not log back on to this site for months. My last post was even positive sounding. It is sad and scary looking back at that post. I was it appeared in a good state of mind. The bad thing is something was sparked in my mind about that first day 7 event. I went searching for something. I found hypnosis. http://www.reuniting.info/node/2233

That part of my fall is also in my blog under the title the depth of what I have done to myself. http://www.reuniting.info/node/2985
This goes over what I fell into after I left reuniting after that first stay here. I fell even harder into my addiction. I did not think that was possible. Well it was. It was very bad for a few months.

Well I finally broke free of the hypnosis. Again I do not know how I did that. I just decided one day to stop. I went straight from the chat room talking to the hypnodomme and the other guys there to logging on to reuniting. I have never been back to the hypno site. I am very proud of that. I will admit thoughts of going back. Even thoughts of going back and explaining where I went and why. I thought it to dangerous. So I just never went back. As far as using porn again. well I did do that. I lost control many times over the next few months after coming back to reuniting. I kept at it though. With all the support from the site I managed to get stronger. It got easier the more I kept at the resisting. I had much help along the way. I would not have made it as far as I am without this site. I would not even be close to healing without this site and the people here. There are people no longer posting on the site that I keep up with by email and phone. They help me a great deal as well. I would never have met them without reuniting. I would still be stuck in the depths of my addiction. I really never thought of it or knew it was an addiction till I found reuniting. I just thought it was normal and OK for so long.

It hurts to see how much damage I did to my life with Porn, masturbation, orgasm, and fantasy. I nearly lost all of it to those things. I am healing now though. I look forward to a day when I will have my life back in much better order. I am as of today 80 days without viewing porn. I never thought I could go that long just a few months ago. I was in such pain and agony with withdrawals from porn and orgasm. It was just awful. I have been without withdrawals for awhile now. I am 28 days without orgasm or masturbation. I have only had 5 orgasms in the last 80 days or so. Again I never thought I could do something like that. I have gone many days without any. I was at a point where before this I would have more than 5 a day on some days, on many days actually. I hope to be over that now. I feel that I am past that.

Now I am working on things like not being afraid of orgasm. My current plans are to go just past 60 days and have one to see what my reaction will be. I am hoping that will be enough time for my mind to have rebooted as this site puts it. With the withdrawals gone for the most part already I am hopeful that 60 days will be enough so that I do not have the urge to binge after having that one orgasm. I will also say that my urges and cravings are way down. Very rare for them to get to a 5 or better out of 10 most of the time it is 2 or 3 and I have even started having time where they are pretty much 0. I am no where near clear but I am much better. It is much easier. I have also learned from this site to be very mindful of myself. To not let the success go to my head (either one :) ). I need to be careful and always watchful for that addicted minds thoughts. I do not fear it as such any more. I am just aware of the thoughts when they appear. I did spend some time being afraid of those thoughts. I wanted to run from them. I am now much better at just ignoring them when they appear. Not accepting them but accepting that they are there and just ignoring them without the fear. Fear can help the addicted thoughts. It is hard to conquer that fear. It can be done though.

Well Now here I am. I am not far enough along to be called healed from this addiction. I am not sure you every really get past an addiction. You can beat it though. You can win control of your life back from an addiction. It is a struggle and I am learning that you deal with it every day. It gets easier though. It has gotten easier. I am sure it will get easier as time goes on. I know it will get easier. There is always a chance for relapse or triggers to set you off. I have learned one thing. Never give up. Even with a relapse learn from it and continue to resist. Resist as much as you can. That ability to resist will increase and get stronger over time. Just never give up or give up on yourself. As long as you do that you will be OK. I know how hard it is and how much it hurts at times. It hurts so much. As I was fond of saying it just sucks at times. It really does. No way around it. It is all worth it though.

I have learned a lot about myself. I am now moving my life forward. I am getting out more and meeting people. I have joined toastmasters to try and get myself through some of my anxieties. I would never have done that while still caught in the addiction. I am going back to school. I am not sure where that will lead but I know it will be a better place than I have been. Toastmasters will help me there as well.
I am taking control of my life back. It feels good. Even if I do not do "great" things. I can be proud of what I have done to break free of this addiction. I can be proud of taking back control of my life. I can be happy. I may not be completely there yet but I can see that light at the end of the tunnel now. It is much better than when I wrote about not even knowing where that tunnel was much less the light at the end.

Well there are some thoughts and a few insights on my journey through this so far.

Thank you everyone
Be Safe
James