Fantasy

I have done similar fantasies to what you describe. I did like you describe. Think about women I met or worked with or knew. I would wonder what it would be like to be with them. I would construct whole fantasies around the idea of being with these women. One thing I did manage to stay away from for the most part is sexual fantasies about women I knew somewhat. Like co-workers and women I would see more than once. I would use women I only saw once or most likely not see again in sexual fantasies. Most of the sexual fantasies for me though was imagined women. So yes I used fantasy to escape from my lack of a real relationship. I could only imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with a women. I am not sure how good my fantasies were never having been in a real relationship. I was mostly going on what I had heard, read, and I suppose seen in movies. I know fantasies were and are a strong thing for me. I do not allow myself to have sexual fantasies any more. I do get lost in day dreams that get very long and elaborate. Much like my sexual or romantic fantasies. It is very hard to control or stop these fantasies. I have been using them as a way to escape and isolate so long Not sure how to stop them altogether. I am not sure it is even healthy to try and suppress your imagination. I suppose it is not. I would like better control of it though. Not in the construction of them but in when and how long and how I use them. I need to learn to focus that creative power into something more positive than just my escapism.

Not sure if that was anything like an answer. It was more just a description of how I used and use fantasy to escape.

Most of what you posted is very close to the way I viewed and used fantasy though.

Thanks for sharing. I hope someone can give better insight than I

Be Safe
James

Good insight in noticing that something is amiss with engaging in fantasy. When I was going to SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) meetings regularly, I would hear people share about their compulsive romantic fantasies. In some people, fantasy addiction was more of an issue than the sexual addiction or even being addicted to a relationship/s. For these people, it was compulsive and debilitating enough to seek a twelve step group.

I think you have good intuition on how it could affect your real life dating prospects. Fantasy can also inflate a situation beyond what it is, and when reality strikes, when we are deprived of our golden moments, we can be left depressed, needy, and anxious.

I feel that it can and does raise our dopamine levels or otherwise it wouldnt be addictive. Plus, it seems like it could work on the reward circuitry as well because it in part allows some pleasure of experiencing gains without the effort or skills associated with obtaining it.

Im glad you brought this up because the use of fantasy has fueled my addiction in both sex and romance. When my romantic fantasies come crashing down, Im particularly vulnerable to my sexual addiction. Its definitely something to keep aware of if you are struggling with any kind of addiction. I used to fantasize for hours to escape when I was younger so it is a major habit in my life.

I think this is the reason why fantasy/romance novels are so hot. I know a nympho who has stacks of these books in her room! Thats all she reads!

Diamond, James, JRsun--thanks for continuing the conversation about fantasy. There has been plenty of discussion about pornography in the forum, for which I'm grateful since I have had my share of porn addition problems, but fantasy has been the most destructive for me, and I'm glad this problem seems to be getting more attention.

I have not been single for about 10 years, and prior to my relationship I was too young to really be concerned with any repellent effects my fantasy habits might have had on (at that point) girls, so I cannot relate any useful experience there. But within my relationship, fantasy has done a great deal of harm, causing me to nearly consider being unfaithful twice, and to be extremely dissatisfied with sex.

Marnia has patiently reminded me that even if I got to realize my fantasies, they would only be exciting for a frustratingly short time, after which I would have to deal with the regret, relationship disintegration, and ultimately whatever new fantasy presented itself. I'm working on truly believing that, but part of me still says that the reality of a fantasy act would still be worth it, regardless of the consequences. Similarly, if we totally avoided all fantasy, life would be too dull...so I guess the trick must be to use just enough fantasy, or just the right type...

I would be curious to know exactly what diamond means by constantly thinking about a series of various potential sex partners. That kind of thought process might be universal: James experiences it, it happens to me, nearly all of the men I've known well enough to discuss sexuality experience it. But the variability could be in the amount of attention given to the thoughts. For example, at work I can see as many as several thousand people in a day (usually much less), and at the most extreme, I probably think about having sex with maybe 50 or 60 of the XX's, and even the occasional XY. However, except for the rare face that happens to really capture my attention, those fantasies are short-lived, often ending as soon as I look away from the individual, and never recurring. Just like James doesn't let himself pursue elaborate sexual fantasies anymore, I have worked hard to get to the point where I can dismiss these 'lust-at-first-sight' fantasies as soon as I realize they are happening. Even this may not be relevant to you though, because I'm trying to stay in a relationship, whereas you are potentially trying to get into one, so you need to be thinking about new partners!

I was also thinking about James' blog name--Seeker. 'Seek and ye shall find' seems like it should be true--how else could anything be found except by accident? But I have been worried lately that maybe seeking is the problem (at least for me). If I seek with enough dedication (e.g. try to realize a fantasy), I could indeed find (e.g. be unfaithful), and the discovery would be devastating. I think I'm going to enact a new directive for myself: 'avoid and ye shall be free.' Following that, apparently illogical statements like 'absence is presence' start to be true...and maybe if this idea actually works, what I currently have will miraculously appear to be all that I could ever need. But I'm a damn long way from there...

But I don't tend to use it. It's been a little more of a temptation since I've left porn behind, especially if I'm not reaching climax as efficiently as I'd like. And I have used it some, in the past, but I tend to focus on my own feelings and watching myself that my mind doesn't have time to wander.

But I can see a well thought out fantasy could be just as enticing as porn, especially if I replay favorite porn scenes in my mind, which I've done a time or two since giving it up.

But I was also wondering, since a couple of you mention that you see others, several, everyday, who you think you'd like to have sex with. IOW, if they came up and said, "You want to join me in the closet?" you'd follow. Not that I've never had that thought before, but if I see a woman who's built well and it shows, it will capture my attention, no doubt. But I can't recall a time that I wished I could have sex with them. If they were to ask me, I'd turn them down. But I still admire the curves and beauty, and yes, the shot of dopamine that follows generally.

But interestingly enough, when traveling and walking down trails, seeing a road or path winding off the main road or path makes me want to go down that road. Maybe there's a correlation there.

I think I'm relating all that not to say I'm normal (I'm probably in the minority more than likely) and what's the matter with you! Rather, more to say yes there is a state where that doesn't have to take place, and while I may have a harder time relating than other guys, perhaps my approach can offer some clues to why I don't think that way.

For instance, my attention is always on what I'm experiencing. My mind doesn't have time to fantasize. And the few times I've fantasized, I can't hold onto it for very long because my attention tends to return to what I'm feeling. So it could be a matter of focus related to the reward center. If you can stay focused on what you are feeling, you may be able to link the dopamine reward in an orgasm with a focus on yourself instead of a focus on a fantasy you're imagining.

Hopefully that makes some sense.

I dropped into fantasy today at work. Nothing sexual but it was almost like lucid dreaming. It was very powerful and I think I was almost in a trance. I have been this way before. It is almost as if I lose control and just go into a complete fantasy/dream. I am in control and guiding the whole fantasy so not asleep. It is almost I hate to say it like be in a hypnosis trance. I know I keep going back to that. It just did damage to me using the wrong kind of hypnosis. I guess there are still lingering bits of some of that programming hanging around. It is hard to describe the state I am in. It is as if I am actually there. It is that strong. It is very visual and I "hear" things. It is kind of scary when I snap out of it. I do not know how long I am in these states when it happens. It only happens when I am alone and I am at rest. At work this can happen at lunch or breaks or when I am in my little shop working alone. I do not even realize I have slipped into the state till I come out of it. I can not remember the whole fantasies just parts but I do remember "controlling' events in them.

I know I am not describing it well. It is just so powerful. I really hate it. It just scares me after I come out to know I was that far gone that I do not even realize I am in such at state.

Not even sure I can call it fantasy. At least not the way I used it before. I would be like is described in this post. I would consciously come up with an idea for the fantasy and plan it out and then just let it develop in my mind and play itself out. I would construct them knowingly. this other thing is just bad and I do not like it