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Epiphany?

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Thu, 2010-03-11 16:00 — skeptic

This might sound kinda obvious to some, but...

In the Yogi Times article discussing "seasonal celebacy", Scott Blossom discussed how his practices have helped him refresh his relationship when it has needed a jolt. Practicing "seasonal celebacy" reminds him of the excitement of the early days of his relationship. It makes him feel like he is on a first date during his "100 days of celebacy".

I have finally started to think that I have had my priorities wrong for a long time, going back to the start of our relationship. Many years ago, my wife and I had developed a close friendship for a long period of time before we entered into a romantic one somewhat abruptly. I was a little anxious then, and maybe I viewed sex as the ingredient that distinguished us from being romantic partners versus just good friends. Perhaps this diminshed the importance of the bonds we felt prior to becoming sexually active. We are both affectionate people, and perhaps I have developed a false diochotomy between the platonic and the romantic, at least where my relationship with my wife is concerned. My insecurities might be common for a lot of men.

Throughout our relationship, I have used the frequency of sex as a barometer for the health of our relationship. In other words, our sex life was the "glue" that held us together. As we have faced life's challenges over the past few years, perhaps I have mourned the earlier days too much.

More recently, it has baffled me that we have grown closer and more romantic over the last few weeks without having sex, but maybe it is all starting to come full circult make sense. We have both devoted a lot of energy recently to being more affectionate and communicative. Perhaps I am getting over some insecurities that my spouse's affections are not romantic enough. Perhaps I am starting to be reminded of the excitement of the friendship we had which was a strong root that formed the foundation for a strong romantic relationship.

Bonding forming the root of romance? I never thought this would be a relationship builder...

Comments

Thu, 2010-03-11 19:24 — Marnia
Marnia's picture

That's the paradox, all right

What we *think* is the glue in an intimate relationship isn't necessarily the glue. And it's especially confusing because the typical orgasmic intercourse is actually a mixture of signals. The intimacy of it (like any bonding behavior) is a bonding signal, while the orgasm (sexual satiety) can actually push couples apart afterward for a bit...and even indefinitely over time. And the harder you fight to keep intercourse with orgasm in the picture, the further apart it can push partners.

We are all misled by the high of the honeymoon neurochemical cocktail...and today's pharmaceutical propaganda, which implies that it should continue indefinitely. In fact, pair bonders really need a different way to handle sex. http://www.reuniting.info/normative_sex_fork_in_the_road

Now you have the key. You know about the power of daily bonding behaviors. By that I mean you know how satisfying and beneficial they can be even without intercourse or orgasm. This is critical knowledge, because it means you absolutely *can* satisfy and bond with each other even if your genitals fall off. (Not wishing that on you Eye-wink, just trying to make my point.) This is why the three-week program in Cupid advises two weeks of bonding behaviors before intercourse. It lets lovers SEE the truth about how good they can feel even without intercourse. This means intercourse becomes "the icing on the cake," and is no longer mistaken for "the cake."

You also know there's a way to have intercourse without having to orgasm every single time. (Again, as you may have read, various other primates climax as little as half the time they have intercourse, so this idea isn't as bizarre as it first sounds.) That way, if you notice emotional distance creeping back into your relationship, you know you can just back up for a few weeks and put things right again with daily bonding behaviors. Gary and I had to do that a number of times. Eye-wink

I find this knowledge *extremely* soothing. Essential for long-term bonding, in fact. We have the power to perceive each other as "adorable" indefinitely. No need to mourn the heat of the honeymoon. Amazing....

Finally, we call this site "Reuniting" for a reason. Smiling It began as a relationship-building site. The forum tends to serve a different crowd for the most part, and everyone's perspectives are useful. After all, no one is either single or pair-bonded for his/her entire life. We're all in this together.

Thu, 2010-03-11 20:40 — skeptic
skeptic's picture

Thanks

It's one thing to hope you are making progress and another to *feel* a difference. I have been almost too hyper monitoring my thinking for some shift. This is the most different I have felt---the most that I have felt like I have made some progress. And it only took 36 days Eye-wink. I'm happy and excited.

Fri, 2010-03-12 03:20 — skeptic
skeptic's picture

then again,

it IS spring (better watch out for Cupid) Smiling

Fri, 2010-03-12 02:25 — Marnia
Marnia's picture

Yeah,

it IS exciting. Subtle...but kind of miraculous-seeming. Smiling It was changes like that which caused me to stick my neck out to create this website.

Fri, 2010-03-12 02:56 — Poet
Poet's picture

Wonderful!

Perhaps the changes are so small you don't notice them and so large they can change a whole relationship! You might not notice the change in your perception as you shift from sex (which focuses inwards) to affection (which focuses on your partner), but the changes are awesome! You are able to communicate with each other because of these reborn feelings. Everything flows more easily between you. You can see why such a small thing as a hug assumes a much larger role in the relationship, can you not? A person could, Skeptic, feel as though they were in a whole new, exciting relationship.

To echo Marnia, do a little work on the relationship EVERY DAY, even if it is just a hug.

P.

Fri, 2010-03-12 13:42 — skeptic
skeptic's picture

thanks for the comments

I think couples need different things at different times in their relationships. We've been together for almost 15 years. I went in to this seeking more of a personal tune up, so I can't get away from being a fairly introspective person. This has been a relationship builder, which neither of us expected, and it has strengthened and refreshed our relationship more than overhauled anything. Some where in the middle, it went from being an exercise in self discipline to something we both started to enjoy.

We have always been pretty affectionate with each other, but that affection can seem more platonic at certain times versus romantic at others. I don't know that sex always looks inward or affection always looks outward. I love receiving affection from my wife as well as giving it. Other times the affection can seem like something we are doing together rather than either of it giving or receiving it. Sex can be that way too. I don't want this to be an exercise of sex versus affection so much as the proper place and balance of both. Taking a vacation from O's right now has helped put better perspective on both.

When I talk about a "shift" I mean that it has been difficult to not think about the fact that I am not having O's, and then try to decide what to do with that energy. I think my wife could go a long period of time without having O and without it bothering her too much. I know everyone is different, but there are a lot more guys than women on this website, which gives some indication as to who has a harder time beating temptation.

So the fact that I have gone over five weeks, and she is not feeling well or up to an O right now (she is at 1 week plus), has put some emphasis on me waiting. We almost had a weak moment the other day, but I didn't want to have an O until she was feeling better and we could share the experience more. We have a loose goal of waiting until she feels up to it before we try intercourse, and also neither of us are MB'ing at this point. Realistically, it could be sooner but it could be another six weeks or so before my wife recovers! I think we would feel some sense of accomplishment if we achieved this, but we are taking things one day at a time. This is uncharted water for both of us, and we don't know what tomorrow will bring.