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Hi all
Hi all,
I recently joined the site as I have come to terms that I have a severe pornography addiction and I am trying anything to stop. I think my best course of action without having to go to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting is to document my progress and interact with others who have my problem. This seems like a very friendly recovery atmosphere and it seems like a lot of people have a lot more insight about this problem than I do here(esp. Marnia, who is a very reassuring individual). Thank you in advance to all who contribute.
First, I want to give some background info on me. I am 20 years old and am in my second year of community college. I absolutely bombed my first year there due to pornography completely consuming all of my time and I came to terms that I have an addiction over the past summer, under threat from my parents that I would be kicked out of the house unless I got the grades up. I have been experiencing quite a difficult time coming to terms with this reality. In high school, I was always a perfectionist and always told myself that I could stop looking at porn whenever I wanted to, but the truth was, I was self-medicating for problems in my life. To sum up my bio, I am going to be honest and say that I probably have the worst sex addiction in the world, as for some reason, I am able to spend hours and hours looking at porn without tiring. Unfortunately, I am being completely honest when I say that I masturbate about 20-30 times a day.
I was reading through Marnia's literature, and I noticed a quote from the "Everyone's wired for sexual addiction" article. It mentioned that some people do not have a normal orbital frontal cortex and it is my suspicion that I am one of those people, as I do not seem to have that shutoff switch that most people do. This is a very disturbing thought, but I need to use it to motivate me to stop looking at porn.
The years of my addiction have turned me into a red-eyed and rosy-cheeked individual and I am very lonely. I have friends, but healthy relationships with any girls do not exist for me, as I look like I am exhausted all the time and on some sort of drug, which I guess I am, as most recreational drugs influence dopamine, as does masturbation. The good news is that I found this site and have gone 2 days without porn. The real trial will be after 1 week though.
Again, thank you to everyone and I am very grateful to have found this recovery website.
- Anonymous's blog
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Comments
Hi Oscar
First...I am going to go change that doctor's quotation about the orbital frontal cortex!
I'm almost certain that Dutch research doctor was talking about people whose brains had been injured! It wouldn't apply to YOU! You're just a healthy, possibly a bit overly enthusiastic, young man.
Getting hooked on masturbation is not at ALL unusual. My husband managed to do it with no porn when he was your age! *chuckle* In fact, he might have been able to keep up with you if he had had the option of using today's superstimulating Internet porn videos! Imagine if you had to use the same, sticky Playboy magazine all the time. THAT would slow you down. Or your own imagination...instead of relying on the twisted minds of porn video makers? It wasn't quite so easy to rub yourself raw in the past.
Yes, you're hooked. And yes, it will take time to reboot your brain. But, you have a BIG advantage. You're young and you have already slammed into The Porn Wall. A lot of men are going to be going through this same process. Believe it or not...you're near the head of the pack, and you're getting an early start.
Now, have you looked at the list of things that seem to help people ease back into balance? Are you willing to exercise vigorously, even when you don't feel like it? Take walks in nature? Are you open to daily meditation? (Here's one to try: http://www.reuniting.info/download/misc/06Track6.wma) Are you willing to run cold water over your genitals when the urges seem overpowering? Are you willing to try the hypnosis script, which a kind site member just put up? http://www.reuniting.info/node/3554 Are you willing to take advantage of every opportunity for socializing that you can? (We count, too
)
Find the tools that work for you. And be optimistic. Your brain is plastic. Whatever you did, you can undo. Keep us posted on your journey.
And stay away from porn.
orbital cortex
That is a huge relief that he was talking about brain damage! I thought for sure that meant me. Thank you for the links and the suggestions. I need these different methods to stop myself. It is difficult to believe that I am not in control over this issue. My brain has a mind of its own. I agree that the past was far better as far as this issue goes. I need to stay optimistic, it is just difficult when things do not change quickly. I think this site is helping me greatly, however, to stay on track, even if it is the 3rd day.
Yes, it's quite anoying
when our brains have a mind of their own.
This challenge of yours is definitely a long-term project, so be patient and determined. And realize that if you can do this...you can do anything!
*big hug*
Hi Oscar
Welcome to the forum. While probably most of us aren't spending hours every day, we understand the drive, and there but for the refractory period go I. The most I've been able to do it in a day with minimal discomfort is about 4 orgasms. Though I rarely do that many in one day, usually its one, sometimes two. Except lately as I've been weaning myself away from that.
But you can find plenty of support here, and understanding of where you're coming from. So jump in as you're able. Read some of the other post and experiences. We each have our own particular problems to work on.
refractory
I am not sure where my refractory period is, but I suppose it is possible that I have developed the highest tolerance known to man. Thanks for your comment, and I think by commenting on others problems, it may help me to better see how to deal with my own.
"tolerance"
is a technical term meaning someone needs MORE stimulation to get aroused.
If you manage 20-30 orgasms a day, then you don't necessarily have high "tolerance." Just curious, do you always ejaculate, or are you using one of the "multiple orgasm" techniques that can be found on the web (where you have "mini" orgasms without always ejaculating)?
How's the school work going today? Concentration OK?
The 20-30
times aren't always with ejaculation, I guess I am experiencing the mini-orgasms. I didn't even realize this. I am very tired all the time, however. I can't sleep very much, my body just doesn't let me, probably from my dopamine being so out of whack. I did make it 3 days fully, though so that is quite a good start for me! If I do make it 2 weeks, it is going to be the most uncomfortable 2 weeks of my life.
I have a tendency to drink like 2 energy drinks a day, however, to keep my concentration up during school. This has also been going on since high school, but I think the porn addiction is causing the energy drink addiction, as I am always too tired to go without one.
Congratulations
on your three days. A lot of people here find that healthy food...and less caffeine can be helpful. (Don't try to stop it all at once.) How are you doing on exercise, socializing, cold water
, etc.? Did you try the hypnosis?
Yes, the two weeks would be uncomfortable, but so is a cycle of falling back constantly.
However, all experiments are great learning opportunities. Did you notice any improvements in your energy during the three days, or was it too soon?
Insomnia is one of the most frequently reported symptoms during withdrawal.
Energy drinks
My son had been drinking a lot of energy drinks, and he too felt very tired. I realized what most likely was happening is the same things as what porn or any drug does to you. One, when you go through withdraw, you have the opposite experience as when you are "on" it. You experience a crash. In this case, when the energy wears off, you swing below a normal energy level because it has been on an artificial high for a while.
Two, over time, the energy drinks don't have quite the effect, and so it last not as long and you tend to feel tired all the time because your are in continual crash mode, thus needing the energy drink to even feel "normal" energy levels that you used to have without it.
When I mentioned this to my son, he thought it sounded like a definite possibility, and stopped drinking them for a while. His energy returned as he balanced out over a few days. Now he'll drink one, but only on occasion, nothing like the one or two a day he had been doing. And he hasn't complained about being tired all the time anymore.
You might want to give that some consideration and see if you can wean yourself off of them. Stuff like St. John's Wort can also cause erratic mood swings and depression when you "crash" from the effects of the supplement. My recommendation would only use such things when you really need to, or are suggested/prescribed by a doctor.
Getting that out of the way, however, would make what you're trying to do here that much easier.
Welcome
to the site. No, your story isnt unusual and there is hope. Sex addiction is a serious thing as youve discovered, but people do recover from it. Recovery is a bit of an unusual process so throw out the window your preconceived ideas of what it means to recover from this and your expectations. It takes some crazy twists and turns, but one thing is for sure, if you keep at it and learn to not beat yourself up for "failures", you will no doubt eventually beat this. Cultivate awareness of you are feeling and learn to identify your triggers and you will eventually start to get underneath the feelings that are driving your compulsions. Dont be afraid to seek help through a 12 step group if you have to. These programs can offer a great way to develop intimacy with very understanding people. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but keep at it, you will see improvement in your life and your relationships, some slow and some drastic.
Keep at it man, its worth the effort no matter how hard or bad it gets. Giving up is not an option at this point. It doesnt go away, the only direction is forward.
I think
the 12 step program would benefit me greatly, and I guess I will have to try to seek one out if I can't do this on my own. This blog is pretty much my last shot at this problem before I have to go to a meeting. Thanks for the reassurance and advice. You are completely right about not being able to turn back at this point or just give up. I never felt guilty about masturbating, but now everytime I do I just see failure. I know that I will eventually beat this, though.
Guilt
Its really a strange thing. I dont feel guilty about the act itself, but somehow, I dont know if its just something thats deeply subconscious or what, I find myself feeling pretty bad in some way. I never thought I really had issues with shame but it seemed to be underneath a lot of my behaviors. With your recovery, who knows what you are going to find. Just trying to stop a compulsion can be pretty revealing of what kinds of feelings are driving us to medicate our emotional and mental pains.
I can relate to your problems with school and this addiction. This problem can be compounded by stress and can create a vicious cycle of stress, acting out, worthless, etc. These feelings can take a life of their own if we are not careful, thus deepening our internal feelings of worthlessness or shame. Recovery allows us to take back control of our lives and stop this downward spiral. The relief is by no means immediate, but our habits of thinking slowly start changing for the better and we are easier on ourselves when we do relapse. Its a heck of a thing to deal with, its a good thing you are recognizing this at an early age. Hang in there, its worth it.
School
School is absolutely killing me. I have so much homework, I do not have very much time to socialize with friends or really hang out all that much over the weekend. To top it off, I have no time whatsoever to fit in reading a book for recovery, such as that book by Norman. Also, I have The Sex Addiction Workbook, but did not finish reading that before school began, so I am looking at just starting the whole book over when school ends.
Cole mentioned that energy drinks are also probably compounding the problem and I completely agree with him. I am very addicted to those because I am very addicted to porn, but stopping energy drinks seems to be almost as difficult, because if I don't have the energy during the day, I can't keep up with the schoolwork. Also, when I was in high school, I experimented with St. John's Wort, but never really got into it.
I recently thought of something that is a little off topic. My grandfather was a very bad alcoholic and alcoholism runs in my family. While I am not addicted to alcohol (I have it very rarely, as I don't have time for parties!) it seems that my addictive history reared its ugly head in me through porn addiction. Just a thought, but I never had thought of it.
It's certain
that some brains are more vulnerable to addiction - although it's not yet clear how much is genetic and how much is due to past choices that have dysregulated dopamine.
But here's a weird thought as far as the genetic differences go. It looks like the mechanism that makes some species monogamous is "a more sensitive reward circuitry." Sounds bizarre, but when researchers offered amphetamines to both promiscuous and monogamous species of voles...guess who used more drugs? The monogamous species. So it may be that people who are more wired to pair bond - but don't have a mate - are actually especially vulnerable to addictive substances and behaviors.
On the other hand, this weakness can perhaps become a strength, when you learn how to manage your sexual energy carefully with a partner.
I'm the eternal optimist.
eternal Pessimist-
The monogamous species is more prone to addiction because the reality is that most organisms are not monogamous
And they have to contend with that brutal reality while they feel the urge to be monogamous. Poor voles, taking drugs to contend with the reality that their little vole mate is romping with a bigger or better looking vole 
Im just joking, its very interesting.
*giggle*
You could be right.
Very interesting
Possibly after I make it two weeks, I may start to look a little bit better as far as rosy cheeks and red eyes go. That may help, at least I hope it does. The red cheeks do not go away after I have been moisturizing them twice a day, so it is definitely something else. Excessive masturbation is all I can think of.
relapse
I was only able to make it 3 days. I completely let the ball drop just once today, and I immediately lost all motivation and went on a binge. I feel awful and angry at myself and I know I shouldn't because that slows down the recovery process, but I feel really worthless. My trigger was stress, in this case, as I was attempting to fill in state taxes and felt an uncontrollable urge. I should have gone to the gym at that point, but I had a lot of stuff to do today. I pretty much blew out my day and set myself back to square one. I will update when I am back to 3 days, but I think I need to spend a lot more time on this site, even just reading about and commenting on other's struggles. I will start fresh tomorrow morning and restart the count to 2 weeks. Goodnight everyone and I am sorry.
nothing to be sorry about.
nothing to be sorry about. You are doing fine and you are not back at square one. You learned something from the relapse which is good. Also you are here and not giving up on yourself. Those feelings after that first one are very strong. That crash after is just powerful if you have not experienced it for a few days. It will get easier. Just keep going like you are. You will be fine.
Be Safe
James
Shoulds
Dont worry about the shoulds right now. Whats important is that you recognize it and you are paying attention to it. Awareness will bring resolution. Be patient with this thing. It didnt form overnight. Its scary as hell to realize that there is something beyond your control that can affect your life in such a strong way, but other people are going through this same thing in intense ways too.
Its good that you feel accountable to us, we are here for your support. Nobody is going to judge you and we have all been where you are right now, probably several times. It does get better, it might not get easier, but life does get better in different ways at different times. Be open to the experience of this pain right now since there is no way to avoid it. Its simply going to suck
But you can work with this thing. Look at this pain, be aware of how you feel when it comes up, feel what is bothering you right now. Make a journal here of your feelings and learn to feel this as it comes up, what triggers it, what kind of choices you have during it, and how you feel afterwards. Putting your mind on paper is a helpful exercise because its a rare moment to be a little more objective about what you are saying to yourself. Careful thought here can turn into a habit your daily life. Whats even better is that you have other people to help correct any of the garbage that we recognized from our struggles. All of us have seen a lot of garbage, but trust me, we only want you to get through this as much as we want ourselves to. We are rooting for you.
Thanks everyone
I started fresh again today and I realized that this is one of the best days to start fresh, as I only have to make it 12 days to automatically make it to 15. To clarify, I am making a big trip on the 26th and will be out of town 2 Fridays from today for the whole weekend. So, if I can make it through Thursday the 25th, I will not have the opportunity to masturbate the 26th through the 28th!
I would say my biggest problem is that I am a perfectionist, and when I feel like things don't feel right or I don't do something right enough, then what is the point of trying at all? For example, I logged on Saturday to watch porn, under the guise that I was just going to watch, but while I was watching, I realized I was being imperfect about dealing with the addiction, so I figured, I already broke my contract, so I might as well just go all the way. The one slip-up became a binge because I thought what is the point of abstaining for the rest of the day if I am starting the count over the next day. Why not binge as much as I possibly can to really kick-start my recovery period. I know it is wrong, but it seems like I can go the longest without porn by binging an extreme amount the night before, then I don't have enough energy to even think about porn for several days. Obviously, this is catastrophic to even the thought of a healthy relationship with a girl, if I literally feel numb to all sexual feeling for several days at a time.
I have already said this, but I am really glad I found this site, as this is exactly what I need. I do feel a sense of accountability to everyone here who comments on my blog. Tomorrow, I am going to dedicate at least 30-40 minutes between homework to update and respond to posts and also comment on other's blogs, because it might even raise my oxytocin level by trying to help others. I haven't felt really accountable to anybody since I discovered I had an addiction, and I have great faith that it will help, even if I did slip-up once already.
The pattern
of "well, I might as well binge" is a common one.
But it's also the case that "just looking" never seems to work out too well.
Porn itself IS the addiction here. Yes, the cycle of orgasm helps keep you hooked, too, but "looking," even without orgasm, gets your brain chemistry fired up in uncomfortable, priority-changing ways. Also, masturbation is very tightly wired to porn for the moment in your brain, so it is a major trigger.
If you want to make progress, stay away from porn. That will help your brain to start looking around for *other* sources of good feelings sooner, rather than later.
I know "staying away from porn" is easier said than done. Some guys find that they have to grieve the loss of this compelling, comforting blanket of oblivion...as if they were mourning the loss of a close friend. So grieve if you need to, but don't kid yourself that "just looking" will work out well.
Looking forward to your insights.
*big hug*
You're right
I had not thought of it, but I had always considered my porn addiction to really be a masturbation addiction that porn helped to realize, but it actually is a porn addiction, as the masturbation doesn't happen without the porn at the moment. Seems like a very apparent idea, but I had not thought of it.
Blocker
I can identify with your school stresses and porn addiction. The amount of stress and not having much of a social life can really trigger depression. At the height of my addiction I was seeing a therapist once a week and he told me to remember that trying to get through school and fight an addiction can be extra tough because of the stress and time spent alone. But its true that a lot of our problem comes from developing bad habits and coping mechanisms to deal with the stress and isolation. It might be beneficial to step back for a minute, even if it feels like you are losing time, and really evaluate your approach. I know first hand that when Im all chaotic in my addiction and bad coping habits, my studying and school performance drops in a big way. This is the most inefficient approach we can take to get our work done, yet we keep doing it anyways. Take some time for your recovery, it seems like doing things like spending 2 hours a day going to, sitting in, and coming home from a recovery meeting takes up a lot of time, but your studying and overall performance will be better. My studying is better when Im not acting out and spending less time studying than when Im fully in my addiction and spending a lot of inefficient time studying. Make time to go to the gym and hang out with your male buddies. Force yourself to do these things. They are invaluable and time well spent. The best students I know have a balanced life where they do other things, play sports, have social lives, and even go to parties. These things feed off each other. Its too hard and miserable to do school depressed and isolated. There is plenty of time for everything if we work efficiently. I know though, addiction in the middle of it is like a giant monster that seems like it undermines everything, but actually, that monster loves it when you are isolating and depressed!
Oh, the blocker. Put a blocker on your computer. K9 blocker is a good one. If you want to install it and have me keep your password and have any temporary password attempts sent to me instead of you, I could do that. Its still going to be hard, your addict mind is clever and is going to want to find ways to get its fix, but everything helps right now.
JSrun,
that is a very good idea! If i relapse again, I will install k9 and give you the password. I think you're right about the occasional socializing being therapeutic. I am getting burned out with all of my work and it is too difficult to fight this addiction when I am constantly penned up. I haven't even had time to simply go to the gym as of late. I am going strong on my second day today and thanks for the k9 idea.
Go oscar!
(Or whatever your name is!
)
k9
yes feel free to do that with the k9 password.
I understand the feeling of being stressed out with the work and having to fight this addiction. You simply have to man up with your circumstances and make the time to take of yourself. 20 minutes of running to clear out the cobwebs is worth its weight in gold. I can understand if you are in the middle of finals, in that case you'll just need to make the best of it, but you will be happy to have a clear head with this.
*big hug*
"Sh*t happens."
Back to my 4th day
After tonight, I will be back to working on my 4th day without porn. I didn't feel anything really over the past 3 days. I just felt completely neutral, which is a good thing. No cravings at all, but I should be coming back from my binge soon. I am going strong and I am determined to make it to the 26th. If I do fail, it will mess up my 2 week mark for the trip, so there is a little extra motivation. I have been drinking energy drinks, but I saved my one today for tonight, instead of pounding it in the morning, which I think helps me to get more homework done, as I am not crashing when it comes time for homework. I will be fine for tonight.
Sounds good
Maybe you could try cutting back to a partial energy drink for a bit, too, at some point.
Good luck with that homework!
Energy drink
I use an energy drink from time to time. I have talked about it before here. As energy drinks go it is not too bad. You could try to find them near you or order them. I order them. I only drink them early in the morning. I have tried to cut to no caffeine but there is a little in this drink why I try to keep it to 1 every other day at the most. I drink decaf green tea also which has a bit of caffeine.
this drink has some good stuff in it also. Just a thought cause most of those other energy drinks are just awful.
http://shop.usana.com/shop/cart/ProductDetails?ProductID=138.010100
Rev3
looks like its so much healthier than Amp, which is what I normally drink. I mean it tastes really good, but it has to have so many unpronounceable chemicals in it. Before that, I was heavily into Monster, which I am pretty sure is just pure chemicals. Thanks for that info, I will have to look out for Rev3 or possibly order it.
Marnia, do you mean try to cut it back to 1/2 a can a day?
4th day
I am on my 4th day and it is getting rough. I am feeling strong cravings already and feeling like I need to relieve those cravings. I am getting all kinds of images flashing through my head as my primitive brain tries to prod me into slipping. I have had sweaty hands often today and I have a lot of homework tonight, so it will be challenging to abstain. I will not give in tonight, even though it is so tempting. I have to keep a strong mind and not get discouraged.
Keep us posted
on how it goes. Withdrawal sucks. If you can do some exercise, or try the cold water technique when things get extreme, it may help. Also, as you fall asleep, you may want to try the hypnosis script. http://www.reuniting.info/node/3554 If you don't have time to record your own version, it's now available in two flavors: male and female.
I have to tell a little story about that. I recorded it for you guys last night, and Gary was doing something sitting on the floor behind me. I started doing the induction...and soon I heard deep breathing. He was stretched out flat and snoring away. So I guess it's very relaxing. *giggle*
Yeah, I was thinking half a can, or even 2/3 to start. But maybe you have enough on your plate right now. That experiment can wait.
Nice!
Hypnosis can be beneficial all by itself. I have joined an online forum of hypnotherapists. The comment is often made that just experiencing deep relaxation with no other suggestions can really help people. It is a state you can easily get to by yourself after you have experienced it with someone else. It is a chance to put your tension and anxiety on the shelf for a while and just drift. Don't worry, they will still be there when you get back!
That's funny about Gary.
P.
Thanks for the script
I will give it a try, but I am coming to the conclusion that breaking free from this addiction might have to wait until this summer, when I don't have school. I don't have time to go to the gym or take breaks to socialize. I failed again tonight, because I am chained to my room, where the homework is. I know I should just get out of the house for a little, but I can't justify it with all of my homework. I will definitely keep trying to abstain, but I think the real progress will come when I have the time to spend on just this addiction. Nevertheless, I will still keep trying and with each time I fail, I can use the guilt and anger with myself to push myself each time I try again. I made it 5 days on this try, so I am getting better. Gonna push for a week on this next run, starting tomorrow.
Congratulations on your improvement
That's great. Resistance DOES help build your new alternative brain pathway, so it's not wasted even if you can't meet your goals right away. Some people notice energy improvements even when cutting back. As long as your attempts are getting longer, you're definitely making progress. It's when they get shorter that you know you're desensitizing your brain further.
From what I've seen on this forum, guilt and anger may not work as well as a technique like the one below. The reason is that the more you argue with an addicted brain, the greater the anxiety and need for "relief." Keep it playful. Come up with a comical version of this:
Good luck with school!
I understand
that it may make it a little easier when summer comes as far as being able to go out more, less time by yourself, etc. And while I believe I know what you meant, it should be noted that the way to avoid heading to the big O is not to focus on it. Rather, if you can keep you mind in your homework, or keep it busy thinking about anything other than how good it would feel to whip it out, you'll have more success.
I know, not always an easy thing to do. Today, for instance, my thoughts have turned to it twice. But coming home for lunch, knowing it is a key trigger point (and here I am thinking about it! Duh.), I'm not letting my mind wander to thoughts of "Oh, you're passing up a perfectly good opportunity," or "Come on, it's my normal time for some good feelings." Instead, I'm eating, and reading on the web, and typing here. (Now folks know why I have such long post sometimes.)
Part of the task is to identify those times of day, places, other triggers when we typically tend to go for it, and figure out how to deal with it. But in all, it sounds like you are on the right track. Keep going, as Marnia says, because it is helping to build the self-control you'll need to deal with it when it does demand your attention...and despite best efforts, there will be those times.