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Not a relapse 2days later and now it is.
Warning explicit content
I went 35 days without orgasm or masturbation. I know I have had a bit of cravings and urges pushing me this week. I still do am not looking at what I did this morning as a relapse. I thought it through and decided it was time for me to have an orgasm. This is the first time I have decided to have one that I can remember. The last one I had was kind of like this. It was however at the end of a mini binge so I will not count that as a "choice". I did do that one without regret or guilt though and it was the last one I had till this morning. I woke this morning and I could feel the strong sexual energy. I was erect for at least an hour and then went back to sleep. I woke again still erect. I decided it was time to test where I was at with this whole process and journey. I decided it would be without porn which was easy. I was surprised how easy not even thinking about porn was for me. I did not even give it a thought as an option. Being nearly 90 days without porn most likely helped this. Also my last few orgasms that I have had did not involve porn or fantasy. That was the other part. I had to masturbate to orgasm without images or fantasy just focusing on the feeling. I was able to do this as well. The only down side is that obviously orgasm was the goal of the act. Before all of this I could go hours without having and orgasm or maybe multismall Os I am not sure. I just know I could go hours without ejaculation or full orgasm. This morning I held out a few minutes. My erection was as strong as any I have ever had or can remember at any age. The feeling was I will say very powerful and enjoyable. I did all of this without holding on to guilt or shame or thoughts of giving in to an addiction.
What I did this morning was on my own terms for the most part. Again I was pushed hard this week but I held off those urges and cravings. I know there were some of those things involved this morning. I was just not listening to that addicted voice. I really wanted to see how I would react by deciding to do this. I want to know If I will binge or if I will just take this one and go another 5 weeks. I think I can. I want to know If I have gone past the withdrawals that cripple me almost. I know there will be some fall out but I am thinking there will not be nearly as much as before. Also I am hoping after this experience and my thoughts on porn is that I have unhooked my orgasms and masturbation from it. It really was easy not to even think about porn. I know I am saying it again I am just amazed that I was able to keep porn images and fantasy out of all of this. I hope I have broken that link. I think maybe I have. This will make only my 6th orgasm in 88 days if my count is right I think it close enough. I know it is only my 4th of 2010.
I will see how I react the rest of the day and the next few days. I know there will be some rough spots in the next few days and weeks. I hope I have learned enough to control myself now.
A few things were different this times. I was watching myself closely. Observing my feelings and my bodies reactions. One major difference and I am not sure what to make of this. I think it is something important at least for me. I have described how my mind feels after orgasm in the past. How right after orgasm I get this dull ache in the front of my head/brain/mind. This morning that did not happen. I do not even feel that foggy feeling. It feels more like what I described after letting those sexual feelings wash over me and pulling that sexual energy up to my mind. Where there is a slight ache on each side of the back part of my head to near the top. Well this morning was more like that. It was far more intense and powerful of an ache but it was in that area and it has kind of moved to meet at the top of my head. I am not sure what to make of this. I would love to have had brain scans down before when I was getting that dull ache in the front. Then have one done this morning I am thinking it would show something different. Not one clue what that difference is but I know my head feels different. I am wondering if it has to do with not associating orgasm with images or any kind ?
I know someone out there. Gary 
? Marnia ? might have an idea of what regions of the brain activate with different stimuli and stuff.
I just have no clue. I am just going on observations of myself. I know something is different this time. We will see if my reactions during fall out and the next 2 weeks plus are different in anyway. I am thinking meditation which I am getting a little better at and using more and moving that sexual energy up when I feel it building will help with this a lot also. I need to finish the book from this wiki http://www.reuniting.info/node/3534 I have been reading it the last couple days. I am hoping the meditation and yoga in it as well as some of the insights will help me with my sexual energy. I will let everyone know how my experience with what the insights form this book go.
I think exercise will be key in this as well. I am OK there not where I want to be but I am do well enough for now. I just have to get more walking in. I maybe go for another nature walk today. Well I think I will go not maybe I think that will help my mood after this orgasm well not mood but help me to not fall into a binge. I do not feel like I will binge this time. I has only been 3 hours since the orgasm so I am not sure but the urges and cravings are very low. I did do a few things to help. I made a point to fix myself and a relative breakfast. I like cooking and doing it for someone else always makes me feel good. Well fixing myself food feels good so it was double help. I think that helped with some of it as well.
I think that is about all the thoughts and insights and observations I can cover right now. I tried to get everything down. I waited awhile to see a little better what my reactions and thoughts would be.
So I am not counting this as a relapse. At least not yet. If I do not binge and can go 3+weeks then it was not a relapse and was a decision I made for my self as a "treat" we will call it. I guess time will tell on this one.
Thanks everyone
Be Safe
James
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Comments
Thanks for
sharing your explorations. Let's hope you continue to notice a big improvement in terms of balance. Finding the right schedule seems like it would be really challenging...but that may be critical to long-term balance. And maybe exercise, meditation and other practices are too.
It's really exciting that you notice so many concrete differences (like porn/fantasy-free!!!). That seems like pretty solid evidence of rewiring. Just know that if you DO experience a hangover, you may also find your brain tries to dust off some old stuff to "help you." Let us know, either way.
*big hug*
oh there are urges to have
oh there are urges to have another. It has been a few hours. In the past I would have crashed by now. I do not feel that crash. Well I did a few minutes ago do the arousal and energy flow as best I can accomplish it. It worked for now. I need to try and limit that though. Dopamine surge I would assume is why it helped.
I have been doing what I can to keep my mind in order. Trying to keep the right balance of chemicals flowing. I did the breakfast. I have giving the pup some care like massage and grooming. I took care of my car it needed cleaning. Too much pollen to worry about the outside so I detailed the inside. I have been doing some reading. I will be going on that nature walk a little later.
So just using distraction and what I have learned to keep myself out of that danger zone.
I really do not feel bad right now. Again in the past I would be feeling a lot worse and struggling a lot more right now. The real test I know is going to be the next few days and then weeks. I feel good about everything thought. That is a big difference. I do not feel bad about the experience. I think it was a good time for me to give this a try.
I hope I can keep that disconnect from porn and fantasy. I really know I can do that. Now I just have to avoid falling into any type of masturbation binge. I am fairly sure I can do that. Not just going without masturbation to orgasm I need to not masturbate in anyway again for at least 5 weeks or more for this to have been a full success. I will not be harsh on myself If I do relapse. I just will have to learn from it if it happens.
I will keep posting how things go with me on this. I do feel good so far. Need to get some food though. I will try to stay inside the diet
. I did a slight relapse there had some milk chocolate today instead of dark I guess some of these things are linked more than I want to admit 
thanks
Be Safe
James
weird synchronicity
Must be some global force lighting the sexual fires, or something...Spring? Who knows. For me, it was indirectly Spring--too hot to sleep, window open, police sirens, dogs, insomnia, tossing and turning...get me out of bed please! And naturally the mind wanders to its customary grounds...
Neither of us appears to have fallen back into the old habits as quickly or as uncontrollably, so there is reason for optimism. But at this point, your self-control far exceeds mine, so I must thank you for your example. If I can pass 62 days without porn, that will be one of the more significant accomplishments of the last few years (perhaps this is pathetic, but there's no reason to pretend I'm something (in control) that I'm not).
Good luck with your discipline.
Spring is definitely
a force to be contended with. Even the Daoist masters "allowed" more orgasms during spring than in any other season.
I slept OK last night.
I slept OK last night. Actually not bad while I was actually asleep. I did wake a few times. I think I was on here in the early am but I was back to sleep and got OK rest. Well I guess it is just I have not slept right for going on 9 months or so now so I guess really I have no idea what good sleep is like
.
warning explicit content
OK not sure how to deal with part of this. I have not masturbated but that one time. I know I can go without binging too. Except I have usd that technique to let myself get aroused and feel it. It is amazing how good that feels. I love just feeling my erections now. that is the only way to say it. It feels good to just enjoy them. I went so long with ED problems. Now without using fantasy porn or touch I can get hard and stay that way for an hour just laying there and enjoying it. So that is where I am at. I have had to use this to burn off sexual energy and try and move that energy a half dozen time or more since the orgasm. I am not sure if it really is helping or if it is just the dopamine surge that is helping when I do this. Does this count as a binge in a way ? Not sure anymore? I do know I will be leaving soon and be out of the house and around people for a few hours so I will have to deal with that dopamine crash here soon. I am not sure How I will deal with it. Hopefully it will allow me to slow this down.
that is where I am at this morning. Do well with not binging on masturbation and orgasm. but confused on how I am avoiding it. If it is a good way or just another part of my addiction working on getting what it wants.
Be Safe
James
After that bit of metal
After that bit of metal stuff this morning. I was out and interacting with people today. I did very well. I felt confident about myself. I have had no real withdrawals so far. They would have started by now. I guess that bit of mental stuff was a bit of it. I do not know. I just was able to make eye contact and great people very well today. I was way above average on dealing with social interaction today. There was even small art exhibit I stopped and looked at. While there I even had a conversation with someone and it was easy no anxiety or anything. I again was much better than usual. I have just been in a good mood and felt good all day since that post this morning. I am not sure what really is different. I have not had crazy cravings either and still do not. I have been hyper attracted to women today. I have always been attracted but today was a lot stronger attraction. I know I have been using that sexual energy technique that has been working for me a lot. I am not sure if that is making a difference or not. I do know I am doing well today.
I also remember that feeling great one day led to a relapse the next so I have to be mindful of that. I need to watch myself and see how things go. I really hope the headaches stay away. No energy loss either. I have full energy. I am not foggy mentally or at least I do not feel that way. Again this is completely different than after any other orgasm I have had or at least since I have been monitoring myself. I am fairly sure that those before the monitoring caused the same problems I was just m/oing so much I could not tell. The crash barely started before I was masturbating again back then.
I really hope I can continue to feel this way. I think the fact that I have not let myself fall into a masturbation binge is making me feel better about myself also.
Hope everyone else is doing well
Be Safe
James
*fingers crossed*
Sounds like you've turned an important corner. So glad to hear about the increased connection with others. That'll help stabilize you, too.
*big hug*
Still doing well on the bad
Still doing well on the bad withdrawals stuff. No headaches
. If I can avoid those it will be just wonderful. I @#@# hated the headaches they just sucked. I hope that depression stays away as well that sucked also the just pain of it, I hate it too. I think I can deal with any of the other stuff those two things just hurt too much and I hate them 
.
I have had some strong urges and cravings. I made myself just go to sleep last night without using any type of arousal before falling asleep. I want to limit that a bit. I think doing it too much may just keep things too tense. I like letting the arousal feel loose but I need to be in control of when and how long. I do not need another type of addiction.
So strong cravings but manageable again.
I will know a good bit more after working all day.
Be Safe
James
Really
encouraging, Seeker!
OK still no headaches or any
OK still no headaches or any physical withdrawals. A lot of mental shit has been in my head today though. I guess that crash is just causing some depression. Well not depression. I just feel hopeless. I try to tell myself it it just a lie but that is not completely helping. I am just stuck in that loop of never finding a partner. I feel I never will. I then let it eat at me. I thought I had come to grips with this but I have not I guess at least not this close after orgasm. That hurt and pain just will not go away for now. I know it will but that does not help the hurt and pain I feel right now.
Well good is that I have not relapsed even with these strong emotions. I have used the arousal to get my dopamine fix. I suppose It is OK to do that. Well I feel it is the only way to handle myself for now. As long as I do not orgasm or masturbate or especially do not view porn I think it is an only route for me. I will hopefully get to a point where I do not have to do it very often. Well I did not do it but maybe once yesterday and only once today. I hate that hopelessness and despair feeling. I was hoping that would stay away this time. Well as long as I can avoid the physical stuff and not relapse it will be good.
I know I will not view porn or masturbate or have an orgasm. I am just not sure how that arousal and sexual energy moving plays into it all. It feels like cheating in a way. I also do not want to feel like I am trying to repress my sexuality that would be just as bad I think. I am hoping the technique I use to control my cravings is a good balance and not something else. I am worrying about that today.
I have to and need to do something though. Again as long as no porn or masturbation to orgasm or orgasm it should be fine. I know I am repeating myself just trying to convince myself I guess.
I hate this mental crap.
Be Safe
James
Being with Despair
I think there is a need to be with the sensations of sexual desire when they arise, without getting lost in fantasy (letting the fantasies go in other words), but I also think it is more important to focus on being with the feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness you are talking about. Otherwise, even if I allow for the sensations, I still might act out even when there isn’t a strong sexual impulse. In other words, I will resort to acting out just to manage those feelings, not because I am in conflict with sexual sensations necessarily.
I know from experience (and it may sound strange) that there does seem to be a difference between allowing for sensations and letting fantasies go vs. allowing for arousal with the fantasies still there in background somehow (not really letting go of them in other words, even though there is no overt indulgence in them). It sounds to me like you might be indulging in the latter, though I’m not sure.
In any case, for me, being lost in the details of all this and trying to figure it out and get it right can be just another symptom of that despair (or avoiding it at least). That is why I say being with the despair is the most important thing. Everything else is secondary. In being with the despair, I am being with the feeling that I seek to avoid through any form of indulgence, no matter how overt or subtle.
I am having a hard time with
I am having a hard time with fantasy. I do not use fantasy or images while using the sexual energy and trying to move it. I only try to visualize the moving of energy. Now I do have to fight the images or at least push them away. It is getting easier to do that.
Now at other times. I will find myself in fantasy and realize that I have being in fantasy for many minutes. It is hard to stop. They are not sexual fantasies any more. Romantic yes. Wanting to find someone and be with someone. I run these fantasies in my head all the time. I can not stop them. I control the thoughts but have not control of the process at all. I am good on the porn and masturbation. Getting rid of these destructive fantasies that just crush me and keep those unhealthy mental loops going is beyond me so far.
They just cause me pain in the end and I cannot stop them. I come out of the fantasy and see where I am at and that the fantasy will probably never become real or anything like it. That just brings on the pain, despair and hopelessness.
The mental shit is bad today.
thanks nice to see you posting
Be Safe
James
Well now I am thinking there
Well now I am thinking there is a very good chance of relapse tonight. Not porn but masturbation at the least. I feel that already lost feeling. there was a lot of stress right at the end of work which has not helped. before that it was the mental crap all day and it has not stopped. I really hate losing. To see that I am losing and be helpless to it. It is just hard to deal with and see it coming. I know all the techniques that will help. I just feel powerless to do anything about it. I really really hate having to write this. but i feel that I must. I will do my best to not relapse. It is just very painful right now.
Exercise
Any chance of exercising to exhaustion OR........hooking up with a friend to distract for the evening?
Just thoughts as if I were in your shoes?
Hang in there,
Crow
Hate to tell you...
but this is classic "hangover" stuff. Be glad you don't have the headaches, but please don't relapse...or you extend this crazy despair. It's almost certainly nothing but a neurochemical swing. It will pass.
Remember the exercise, and the cold water!!!
Thanks for the
Thanks for the encouragement. I know there were things I could have done. I hate this crap so much. I do not hate myself. I just hate that it has control of me sometimes.
The good. No porn I will be able to keep that part of it. I am proud of that. As long as that stays away and it will I will be OK.
No fantasies while masturbating to orgasm. I have done it twice tonight though.
What I learned. Yes that confident feeling I get is usually a bad sign. well one day it will not be. I will be able to feel that confidence and still not relapse.
Stress. That is not the cause but it was the major trigger this time. I accept it and I will try to move on. I will not back down from the stress though. I will go to my Toastmaster's meeting tomorrow. I will do my best to give a speech. I think I will even if I feel like crap. Even though I had this relapse tonight I will not let this addiction take anything else from me. I need to do this.
I just need to learn how to deal with the stress without orgasm or masturbation.
I am doing my best to not feel like crap about this. A lot of good talk over the last few days. I still did well I think. I know that before I would have binged last tuesday. I held that off till giving in some on saturday and now this tonight. It still took much longer to lose control then ever before so that is a good thing.
I am not going to give up on myself or this process. It is now going to suck even more than if I had just been able to keep it at one. I do not need to feel bad about that though. It will not help.
I will do some exercise now a little late I know but I was so messed up earlier. I am a little more clear right now after the orgasms. No crash yet. It will come and I just need to deal with it better than I did today. I know I can do better.
It is always a learning process.
I learned I do not need or want porn. I learned I can go without fantasy. I learned I can have a relapse and not hate myself. I do not have to accept it but I can accept myself without the hate. I learned just how much stress can trigger me. I learned I resist the stress trigger a lot more.
Looking back There were many things causing stress this past week. many things that in the past just one would have pushed me over the edge. this time it took a whole week on some very heavy stress to push me to my limit. I think that is a vast improvement.
Now I just need to accept the relapse and move on. I am going to keep it at the 2 orgasms tonight and I will move on to making that first 2 weeks from today.
thanks for the support and encouragement.
Hope everyone else is doing well.
Be Safe
James
feels like the storm has
feels like the storm has passed. Hours since the last orgasm. Only the 2 and it kind of shut off. Hopefully that will be it for awhile. I really hate losing control. I just have to get back to day 1 well I guess it has already started for me. So day 1 now to get my stress and anxiety under some kind of control.
I have been here before I know what to do I just need to do it.
Now if I could just get to sleep
.
thanks everyone
Be Safe
James
Good luck, Seeker!
Hope the speech goes well. And if it doesn't...well, you have the perfect excuse.
You have the right attitude
As best I can tell, you've tackled this well. Yeah, you fell off the wagon, but you are so much more aware now of what is really going on, and that gives you the tools to get back on the wagon and move on. I'll be doing good myself to last as long.
And I know that state of mind oh so well, when you get to arguing with yourself. Sort of happened this past weekend with the porn stuff...and I lost. But I did what I had to do, and got back on the wagon. We can do this, together.