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Submitted by Daffy Duck on
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Shame has a major grip on me right now.

What is this? Why? I hate to say it because people tend to tell others to stop saying this but...since I'm thinking it, I might as well say it. "Why me, God?" "Why?" "Why this?" I just don't understand.

It's my mom. I can't even say what it was that happened. I'm so ashamed of myself and I am embarrassed to be in front of her, I feel so defeated and ... shameful. Why would anyone WANT to hurt another person like she does? I do not do those things to her. I would not even think of being passive agressive (I'm too busy being as obnoxious and burdensome as it is outright nevermind all that passive aggressive shit). At least...in my anger... and rage... I'm trying to get it out... and ... I am sorry to throw it off on all those around me... but not a single person here, where I am ... would care to hear even the message behind what I am so frustrated to communicate in another more acceptable... fashion. Perhaps that's the reason for the aggression on my part.

I was just feeling good. And I was about to report some good things...

And I have to tell you something. I HAVE to get this off my chest, ok? Maybe no one will understand this and I am NOT directing this to any ONE person... but here goes... (I'm about ready to BLOW UP if I don't say this..)

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, HATE IT, I HATE IT! WHEN SOMEONE GETS TO KNOW ME, AND MY SITUATION AND THEN THINKS THAT THEY HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT AND THEY START GIVING ME EXPLANATIONS FOR MY STORY AND STOP LISTENING TO MY FEELINGS I'M CONVEYING.

It's like what I'm saying is sooooo burdensome or whatever that they wished I would shut up. Well, I'm used to that because my mother ignores me, and acts tired...and anything to let me know I ain't worth her time. Respect is something she can't do and is not about. She revels in your failures.

I'm tired. I don't care if anyone listens... *(That is complete and utter bullshit, Daffy and you KNOW IT!)* So why'd you say you don't care? I don't know... I don't know... I don't know... except ...I'm not ever going to drop my story or my judgements without anothers understanding and ... maybe deep down I know that. Maybe I simply mean the opposite.

I am sick. (Physically) I do everything I can to help myself. EVERYTHING. I needed this money that's coming in three days.... (it's 400.00) and ... what my mom did today... pretty much ruined my chances of having those students sign up for the next quarter with me. (I teach piano). And on top of that... I'm very embarrassed about what she did. I cannot say what it was. I just can't.

If I don't get the money... I won't be able to help myself get better physically. And I won't be able to keep my computer on or my phone...

It's not that this is the first second third..fourth... time I've had to try and pick myself up after she trips me and I fall. I just don't know if I can keep doing this over and over and over. I already don't know what I'm doing with my life and ... I'm about to run out of energy.

I'm sure I'll write more later...

Comments

Sounds frustrating

I hate feeling powerless too. It must be frustrating to have her so involved in your life like that. Im sure you've been suggested tons of practical advice, but it's not going to do you any good if you dont feel well emotionally and physically. I can relate to that right now. My path is clear, I know what I need to do, but the emotional and physical stuff just drains me, especially some of the withdrawal feelings. Its truly paralyzing.

Your core is real and thats what is most important for now.

You know what I mean, huh, Jr? Yes, paralyzing...

I appreciate your words of encouragement and support, JrSun. Yes, it is frustrating. I noticed that my frustration didn't last as long this time. What with all the wonderful support here... you guys take the sting out of any offense for me.

Thank you for seeing the core me... that's important to me and it's nice to be seen for who I am...even though I don't make it easy for others to do so. All the more reason I'm thankful you do.

Daffy

I hope you are able to write

I hope you are able to write some more. It helps writing those feelings and things down.

Your writings and insights are always good.

Thanks for sharing with us.

Hope you are feeling better today.

Wishing you well
Be Safe
James

Thank you Seeker for the encouragement to continue writing.

Like I said... the frustration didn't last as long this time and these kinds of scenarios with my mom have been going on for a long time. It has only been since last March that I started to unravel ...what now seems to be so obvious.

At least I have a deep sense of appreciation for just how blind or unconscious we can be to our painful situations in life. (Oh crap... I just realized what I said... I'm gonna have to UNDERSTAND HER AREN'T I?) NO. No... that's not it. ! I ... don't hurt ... ... others... (I can't say that, 'cause I do and ... I know... I don't mean to, really.) But SEE??? NO. There IS a difference... maybe not in the ability to SEE what's going on but the intention behind it.

Her's seems to be so freakin' INTENTIONALLY SADISTIC and PASSIVE AGRESSIVE. I mean come on... if you murder someone intentionally... then you get life but if it was an accident you get 5 years. So, INTENTIONALITY makes a LOT of difference.

There is something that Eckhart Tolle said which is ... that the new consciousness that is here now on the planet that has been emerging most recently is awareness of the unconsciousness. The ability to see "oh, yes, that is dysfunctional what I am doing." ANd let me tell you... THIS is what describes my WHOLE life. I am doing it and yet I can talk ABOUT it. I can't tell you how many people have said to me "Well, it seems that if you can talk about it then you should be able to heal it, then, right?" I just had this uncanny ability to see other peoples shit and my own and then TALK about them. Do you know what happens in a family when there is a mix of a Munchausen mother and a daughter who is "consciously aware of and able to verbalize the unconsciousness that exists in the family?"

A LOT of FUCKING SABOTAGE!

Whew! I got that out!

Thing is...my newest insight that I'd like to share with you and I feel this is BECAUSE OF you ... is that I've noticed that the "guilt factor" that plagued my entire existence is GONE. I no longer take responsibility for how my mother acts. I can say she is a nasty, sabotaging deeply unconscious person and not blame myself for any of it.

I can't believe I am saying that. I don't even think it's because I LOST too much in association with her... because God knows I fought way too damn hard to figure out this unconscious crap and I know enough of the truth now (for both of us - my mother an myself), to just let the shit go.

I can't believe I'm saying this. No loss was too great to go through to prove that what I sensed was that something was drastically wrong with my situation and having to fight hard to throw off self judgment and blame was the equivalent to charging myself with a capitol murder and I wasn't about to give up! That's easy for me to say now that I feel better but for five years before now...I didn't know it wasn't my fault. I didn't know it was really that my mother was as she was... and ... even though it's quite an ugly scenario... 1) I can tell myself I'm not ugly anymore and that I am quite beautiful and 2) I can take the hooks out of my mother and everyone for not loving me the way I wanted and see them as beautiful too.

Relationships...and true intimacy...which is characterized by TRUST (IMHO - There IS NO INTIMACY without TRUST) can change a person faster than they can by themselves. Rage diminishes when trust rises. There's no reason for it. Guilt and other false things...disappear and are unnecessary when there doesn't need to be anymore explanations or excuses to another person for who we are. If there's no guilt there's freedom to be just as we are. Baring all... and with willingness to be vulnerable with one another, knowing boundaries, and feeling safe and protected.

Sounds like heaven to me. Thanks for making "heaven" possible and worth shooting for, Reuniting and for letting me be myself...no matter what form that took. I assure you, I was and am working diligently to restore balance both with myself and others. Thanks for your patience.

Much Love, Daffy

BEAUTIFUL BABIES, THEY ARE!!!!

OH MY GOODNESS!! Seeker, those are beautiful. Absolutely ... "moving" to look at. Thank you very much... It makes my mind just stop dead in its tracks. You know what I mean, Seeker? Funny thing those birds...

And you are NOT going to believe who showed up today!!!! You won't believe it!

MR. GROUNDHOG!!!! He popped his head out from under the porch next door and I tell ya... I about jumped outta my seat. He ain't DEAD! I thought sure that he was gone but there he was!

Thanks Seeker... Nature really does bring things into perspective for me.

Hugs, Daffy

I would like to volunteer

to give your mom "a smack upside the head" and "a foot up the ass" if it would help. smiley Actually, though, it sounds like another version of Munchausen's...that deliberate handicapping of another to keep her prisoner. Could it be that, do you think?

Sorry you're suffering.smiley

This is the BEST... BEST BEST!!! Post Marnia!

And... yep. You CAN! AND YES, it WOULD help! I've been thinking about, appreciating and smiling about this post ALL DAY! HA! HA!

Yes. It does. YES it does sound like that other form of Munchausen Syndrome. I will FIND THAT ARTICLE ON IT. I spent soooo many hours one night looking for the definition and had several other times but honestly it all had ASPECTS of what I experienced but then ...one day at the bottom of a particular article it actually talked about the mother not just wanting attention but actually passive aggressively "getting back at" the child/person. And they made a distinction between the two but my mother actually does BOTH. I mean...she has been involved with the medication part, the food contamination part... the "making me sick part" as well as others too...usually by medication induced stuff..but the most prominent feature or aspect of HERS was that sabotage that you couldn't quite put your finger on.

I've been crazy all my life...and hospitalized twice....and on medication... (I'm not anymore and havent' been for over 5 years or more) but what I've been seeing in my mother since I am more balanced and can effectively help her... to see her own shit simply by not owning what's not mine and being non-reactive ... is her violent emotional reactions (which I have NEVER seen before) and quite frankly ...she has seemed out right CRAZY to me and worthy of being hospitalized herself.

This most recent sabotage was due to the "getting back at me" aspect of it that the Munchausen article specified. She is still VERY much in it for the attention getting thing... which is the ultimate sell out.

Honestly...I do not believe that she is ... wanting... to keep me prisoner... ... .. I don't think. I think ... that she .... is jealous of my youth (at whatever point it is, it doesn't matter) because she .. ... is 35 years older than me. I think... like I said... she revels in my defeat and failure... and... I really honestly don't know why except that she has always been a wallower in the woes of life and wants everyone else to experience it to. She says "I LIKE to be melancholy." And pining away at losses with a sick nostalgia...and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gotta stop. I was just tyring to say that I actually found munchausen article that describes her perfectly and helps me to validate the factitiousness of it all. I see her now as a human being that just didn't even care to correct a God Damn thing about herself but was oh too happy to spew her negativity and disappointment with her own life out onto others and would rather be secretly happy when you fail... and even hurt you when I try to succeed because as Poet said... "She can't stand my independence or my youth. Both of which she doesn't have."

This was hard for me to write this post and so if it's incoherent I apologize. I have to send it without previewing it or I'll never send it.

Use Your Adult Eyes

Hi DD,

Remember to use your Adult Eyes when looking at your mother. You can understand her behavior without accepting it. You can know the pressures she faced and continues to face without allowing them to affect you or ruffle your feathers. Many of us have significant issues with our parents. Many of those issues continue to cast a shadow on our thoughts, beliefs and behavior. You have come so far in changing your perspective and gaining independence. I'm so glad you vent here. This is exactly the right place for it. Many of us have faced similar problems and can empathize. There are also others here who are still grappling with them and will gain insight from your story.

Way to go, Daffy!

P.

Well...

Those students... did indeed quit piano with me. Just as I had anticipated in light of the events with my mother. She is a sly one, ya know... my mother is.

I just got the email.

Does anyone know if I can keep my email account if I do not actively pay for an ISP? Like will my email disappear with Google or Aol ? Or will it be there just the same and I can access it by other computers? Will it change format? Will I lose my messages?

Oh... none of this needs answers.

'nite y'all. DD

email

If you get a google account you can access it from any computer. The more independence the better I would imagine. Life is tough enough, I cant imagine someone close to me trying to sabotage it. Hang in there and stay strong. Tyrants will break when you stay strong to your core.

But I will lose

reuniting and sites that i'm on wont' i? The guy that is on the next corner here ... he is a computer guy and he knows me... and I made the mistake of saying that I was able to access a wireless connection in the neighborhood and I always thought that I could rely on that if i had to drop my isp... but just now I realize that he blocked it...so I literally cannot keep my internet connection and without an ISP ...I can't log onto reuniting, right?

So. I just wanted to say good bye . I'm working out how to keep things going and I will if I can.

But anyday they could shut it off since I haven't paid the balance so anytime I guess they could... so I can't even access the wireless here at my house... since that guy ... blocked it I suppose but I don't understand all that..

Until later and hopefully my Daffy account won't go away permanently.

Please don't worry about your accounts

If you don't pay your ISP, you can't access the internet from your house. However, all your email accounts, forum accounts, blogs, etc. will stay right where they were. You can still access them from a different location. So while it's a bummer that you can't get onto the web from your home, you could still use a public library, internet cafe, etc. Don't panic!

.... Geez...

whew... ... geez... ... being human is so stressful... ... thanks A. I am NOT worried about not having the computer in my home... just losing my account.. that's all... and so ... whew... ... ..

While my insane feelings...and loss

of dignity have been pretty severe... comparatively speaking ... they lasted a lot less... I'm not sure if those feelings of humiliation actually define me... or if the behavior of my mom/family is REALLY descriptive of what I deserve...but i know one thing... (it's hard to see other wise when you're in it)

i can keep trying to ward off those feelings... of inadequacy, fear, humiliation.... and degradation... or I can say "yes, this is what is happening right now" ... somehow... no matter how bad it is... saying that can help the intensity of the reactionary process subside...

now that I know I can keep my connection with Reuniting...

(it's not so funny now is it Daffy when you might lose the connection when you don't want to - so next time be more grateful instead of so fire-breathing dragonishly mean and nasty to others!! )

I feel a sense of loss... somehow... of the opportunity to see a challenge in "how do I be in the world without all that I think I need...and without all the mental judgments?" and ... I actually think that I had come to a conclusion... (it may not have felt good but coming to that acceptance was a lot less painful than resisting it). Maybe what a human being wants ... is to know themselves as already full and complete before connection happens.. because I imagine if ...that would be the case...

then to be ABLE to accept ... loss... ACCEPT whatever is going on... is ... peace no matter WHAT is happening.

Maybe I've cracked the code as to what loss (or fear of loss) is really about... ? The deeper the need that is not met... the bigger the expansive space provided (or hellish hole - however you want to judge it I suppose) to experience myself. THAT... I can truly love, I think...

If I end up in this lifetime being able to love myself no matter what and to love you too....just as we are... no matter what...I will have considered that this life was worth it...

Resistance and judgements are painful.

uh hm... that's for sure...

I have to tell you... ...

I was sitting here and thinking so hard about what I have to do... it seems that my intuition is so hard to grasp...

but Carolyn Myss's web site talks about medical intuition...because I have no money and my physical body is sick and imbalanced right now and... ... so what do I do??? All my life I've given away my energy to my past (she talks about our bodies leaking energy) and ... so ... there are times when the energy I (I call it the sick energy) feels soooo thick in this house... and yet... there's a room that it does not occur in (and it was an addition). I literally feel paralyzed in the rooms where I live ...and she (Carolyn MYss) talks about we can't hear our intuition ... or what not... we SENSE it. She said "Intuition is NOT A GIFT! A GIFT is the LAST thing it IS. It's who we ARE". She also said it's the closest thing to who we are and that it is our highest priority and it's waiting to help us... and that if we leak energy.. then we have sick bodies... (Like Mine).

So... I was saying that I love me... and ... I decided to SENSE ... and pay attention to what I SENSE.... and let me tell ya,... my body is VIBRATING!!! ALL OVER now! NOW it is. And everytime I have a feeling ... (way down deep)... ... (which I've never had before) of ... "love" ... ... the vibration gets faster...and stronger I should say. It started in my legs and then it's in my chest.

My SENSE ... about what to do today... is to have fun... I so want to have fun.... and (GEEZ!!! ) this vibration thing... really is COOOL... like when ..I think of having fun... I wanna go find that groundhog ! or... go hold that ol' kitty who talks wayyyyy tooo much... ... and enjoy the sunshine.. and... ... I think that ...I'm supposed to follow my sense of relief.... and have ... fun...
Oh I'm just talking outloud... because ... I can... and I gotta go... I think I'll just go have fun today...
headin' outside now...

So glad you're finding

your beautiful core, Daff.

Funny parent line:

Someone was complaining about his parents years ago, and his friend mentioned that according to some esoteric sources we *choose* our parents. The first guy got really quiet for a second and then said, "Well, I don't think my parents were my *first* choice." smiley

Past Life Regression

The people who take others through past life regression often ask their clients why they chose their parents. Whether you believe PLR is possible or not, answering that question can provide useful insights.

P.

"Metaphor, metaphor. All is metaphor"