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First Blog struggle with pleasures, feeling love, and infidelity
I keep attempting to begin my blog, I start and never seem to make much sense, usually it is through writing that I find understanding and clarity. This topic though is still bouncing around in my brain. I am a married 40ish American German and Swedish woman living on the West coast.
My sexuality I have always viewed as the only confident side of me. Prior to my marriage, sex in a relationship never was an issue. In fact the men I was with thought of it as a plus. If fed emotionally and respected, daily sex was the norm, even through my cycle. If it made my man happy, I was happy. I consider myself a very visually stimulated gal, I watched my first porn on reel to reel, my brothers idea, when I was of elementary school age. Same time I recall beginning to masterbate. Shameful at first, but then opted nothing that felt that good should be bad. There has been times when I felt as though I needed to do so just to fall asleep. After losing my Virginity at 16, I for a time fell into a pattern of having sex in hopes of getting the guy. I soon realized this was not the way to go about it. From age 12 I seemed to attract much older boys or men than I. Often Men either an authority position or wealthy. Attracted to neither I just had a good time. In all my relationships prior to this one, I seemed prone to fooling around. My father was a chronic cheater and I wandered if it were an inherited thing.
When my first marriage began to include disrespect and abuse of my child I truely struggled. Finding my solace in alcohol I began a year long of running, from sex with 18 year olds met on line, to group sex, to my obseesion with giving oral sex to a man. It was not until the past year that I noticed a high from it, as though I had been given a very pleasureable shot of drugs. I even crave it, and began again to feel ashamed for asking my husband for sex, or to perform oral sex. It was never a bad thing before, no one argued or declined, now it was happening. I noticed the lack of prior to the wedding but I was hoping it was just from stress or a medical condition. I compromised, "ok 3 times a week" that then seemed to little. Now it is once or twice a month. I tried substituting with porn and toys, but this only became compulsive and ate up my time. as well as made orgasm harder to acheive with my husband.
I read and read and talked and talked and made doctor appts and read lab work, only to become discouraged. He was not concerned for to him he wasnt missing anything.
Without sex, I got the feeling we were more like roommates. So I would go back and forth with it, and I kept feeling like a fool and that I was too young to not have a sex life, that giving it up was like giving up on joy, or breathing. It frustrated me he did not get my pleas for even touch. My offers for blow jobs soon just were ignored or laughed off. On our one year together I told him all I wanted was to have sex in the morning. I have long loved it, I hate mornings, but a morning with sex is a great morning. I still can not convince him to wake up and have sex. Yet I feel I have and always do go above and beyond doing whatever I need to to please him, now these are just expected as orgasm is so hard for him. My orgasms of date are the most out of this world orgasms ever, we think it might be due to the fact i have such fewer O's. Also since this married dry spell, (he is very similar to the discription of the sexual anorexic) I have been having the worst ever pms symptoms, like bad bad bad.
I have thought about seeking out someone else to meet my needs, but I promised myself I would not do that this time. But there is a part of me that so craves the closeness and euphoria of a man inside me, its as though there is a part of me pushes and prods and makes the encounter seem an option. I also have a great desire to be restrained,, my husband no matter how much I ask, suggest, or beg will do it.
ok so i read somewhere my first blog was to introduce myself. Welcome to my current lesson...my sexuality.
- Chemicallydriven's blog
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Comments
I can relate
Not to all of it, naturally, but coming to terms with a spouse that simply isn't interested in doing it as often as I wanted to, and all the emotions that go with that.
Like me, seems this site might be an answer to such issues. Because not only maybe does the spouse need to up the count, but maybe we need to slow down, find that middle ground.
But I know so well the feeling of missing out on a good chance to do it. It feels like I've lost something important when I don't masturbate given the opportunity.
Well, this week I've passed up scads of them. But I'm not thinking about them that way, rather that I can use that time and energy to focus on other things than myself. God knows I've focused on what I want for way too long in that area.
Hope you find this journey beneficial.
Welcome
Welcome CD,
Is that the first time you've ever written down what you're feeling about sex? Just putting it into words is a great first step. It puts the problem out on the table so you can step back and look at it. You don't have to be a slave to your chemicals. The behavior does not have to be compulsive. It's like the urge to smoke, something people give up every day. Underneath the compulsion you sound like such a sensitive, loving person, who just got off to a bad start. Pornography is designed to be addictive. It's designed to lead you to more and more extreme behavior. Recognize it for what it is.
One of the things that people in Reuniting consistently find is that as they kick the porn habit, their relationships improve. If you haven't read Marnia's book, that's one place to start. Another is to focus on generous touch. Try hugging your husband, not as a prelude to anything else, but just because. Focus on his feelings rather than your own. Hugs are AWESOME!
P.
Thanks for
sharing your story. It's really hard to wrap your mind around the possibility that something that feels good and is natural (orgasm) could ever cause waves in *any* quantity.
I know it was for me.
I've created distance with "too much good stuff" in past relationships, too, so I can empathize. My thought is that once your partner's nervous system really *gets it" that you want him to feel safe and nurtured, he's likely to become more spontaneously sexual.
It's confusing that the same bedroom activity, touch or intercourse or whatever, can be either a "gift," or a "fix," depending upon whether you're feeling unconditionally loving, or else like you "gotta get your mood medicine." This is why external rules can be so useless...and why a return to equilibrium can be so enlightening. At that point, you may find that you discover a middle ground that is comfortable for you both.
Good luck CD. I find your
Good luck CD. I find your thoughts here and in other areas on this site to be very helpful. For us guys, it is nice to get a woman's perspective.
Like yourself, I began having sex at a earlier age (12 for me). And I think because of my history sex has become a very important part of my identity. It seems to be so natural and normal for me. I credit that to the early age in which I began experiencing it with other women.
Therefore, the struggle for me is how to incorporate this part of me in my every day life in a healthy way. A way that brings pleasure, goodness and joy to myself and to those I am in relationship with. Also, how to allow this part of me to express itself while at the same time being focussed on other areas of my life: work, hobbies, etc. Unlike people who grew up having to begin working at a younger age and who therefore find working as an obsessive or a friend, sex is that for me.
One book that has really changed my life with regards to eroticism and sex is Thomas More's "Soul of Sex." I have read it multiple times and probably will read it again soon. For anyone interested in better incorporating one's erotic tendencies into one's life in a way that is controlled but enjoyable, More has many good ideas. Since sex is so normal for us but so difficult for others to express, More helps to express our sexuality in ways that are more general, in a less literal way.
Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your posts. I too have struggled with a spouse's sexual urge being weaker than my own and I too struggle with monogamy. At one point in my marriage, I used to give my wife the option by telling her that I wanted to have sex with her but that if she didn't want to that I was going to go masturbate in the bedroom. I often would invite her to watch if she wanted to. That idea worked for us.
Also, as I posted in other places, abstaining from orgasm for 30 days really helped me to reset my body so that my sexuality is actually more enjoyable, even though my ejaculations are fewer.
Take care.
Hi there, thanks for the
Hi there, thanks for the reply and most of all for this " how to allow this part of me to express itself while at the same time being focussed on other areas of my life: work, hobbies, etc. Unlike people who grew up having to begin working at a younger age and who therefore find working as an obsessive or a friend, sex is that for me." I can tell you I always felt this way, always afraid to put it so straight up as you just did though. Not proper for a girl to be so at ease with sex or think of it so much, as a man is a Stud if he enjoys having sex, a woman there are other terms. I think it has little to do with interests, and more to do with the chemicals for me personally. I dont always feel driven to have sex, but when I do its somewhat overwhelming. I will admit my father treating me like daddys lil girl then behaving as though I were not even his daughter at about 12 years old has something to do with why I feel an abandonment after the honeymoon period. I get all this attention, am told I am the greatest, treated great, I in turn do the same for them, then before I know it I am old news, a novelty no longer novel. Its a horrible feeling for me to be honest. Prior relationships, the sex was not a topic for the lack of attention, I got plenty. The blow of both this time really sent me a reeling, he backed out on attention, time and sex, and I felt invisible. My ego and the porn use combination near had me seeking to fulfill my needs elsewhere. I promised myself I would not go there, that I had to do one thing right in my life. Thanks so much i will for sure get the book you recommended. I will have to give the lets have sex or I will masturbate idea a try, someday. I think it would insult his manhood if he didn't comply although he got to where he was used to ignoring my offers for oral.
Thanks for your reply, : )
Is your
hubby willing to engage in some daily skin-to-skin? Even a few minutes will do the trick, if it's daily.
skin to skin
I will mention you suggested it, funny i been craving just that. Does he have to be conscience? he falls asleep the pretty quickly. He would be willing if I told him it would make me feel loved if he would
Great!
Snap up the willingness.
Gary falls asleep quickly, too, so we do most of our snuggling in the morning. However, a little bit right before we fall asleep is part of the routine, too.
In my experience . . .
. . . skin to skin contact with a comatose individual counts! As long as they are breathing, it counts as a cuddle!
Your subconscious mind is active while you sleep, you know.
P.
Comatose?
My wife's lack of response has been very difficult for me....."am I bothering her?" "she doesn't love me" "I need/deserve more" and on and on... So maybe she gets some benefit, but I'm up the tree of self doubt and recrimination. BUT I am impressed with having unhooked from the O how just a little affection yields a big benefit for me. I'm struggling, but getting better at not expecting so much and appreciating what I have.....impossible while using porn or chasing the O.
Much Love
My wife has expressed that
My wife has expressed that same sorry with her dad. When she got to a certain age the physical affection tended to stop.
I don't know why fathers do this, but I can relate to sometimes feeling uncomfortable being affectionate with my ten year old daughter. For fathers, we sometimes recall how easy and comfortable it was to be affectionate with a two year or or four year old (they are so easy and carefree with their affections; they have very little self-consciousness with their bodies), and then when our daughters start developing and getting more curves, we sometimes hold back because we sense the confusion/hesitation in our daughters over their new bodies. We almost have to relearn how to touch them in a way that is again comfortable for them. The rules do change a little as girls age.
It is clear to me that daughters (even older ones) need the physical attention from their fathers. They crave it. They want to be hugged and kissed and wrestled with or squeezed. And, while the relationship is not erotic, there is a certain energy to it. They want fathers to be engaged and energetic. It is quite a "unique relationship."
I have not thought or read enough about the topic, but maybe fathers and their affections prepare their daughters for their future romantic relationships in a healthy way by the way father's physically relate to them. There is a certain type of father/daughter flirtation and a certain type of give and take relationship. My daughters want to be touched but they also sometimes play "hard to get." It is odd. They want me to try to hug or kiss them but they want me to work for it too. My wife doesn't really ever play that game. I wish she would put up more of a fight so I would really have to use my seduction skills. I thought women like to be seduced just as much as men like to seduce.
Finally, I think some fathers (who are just regular men) can't or don't know how to do the above. It is a difficult relationship to navigate. I have days when both my wife and two daughters are pissed at me. It can really be difficult. Chocolate always helps.
Forgiveness is always necessary, even in the best of relationships.
Well, I hope you enjoy the book. Bonding behaviors are great too: cuddlling and the rest.
chasing
Hi there, Yes I as an adult knowing we all only can do the best we can at the moment with what we have, has forgiven him for the past. I am affraid though that the little girl in me, the one that knows the moments are still passing that its never too late, is still waiting for something. Its sadly like my relationships. There was a time, I felt like his daughter, his family, I felt like he adored me, loved me. I guess life has seasoned me so to know that people just dont perceive life the way I do, and no matter how much I care about them or love them, they just may not have the capacity to return that love to me. I did not give it expecting a return, I only loved him like a daughter should. A many letter have I written pouring my heart out to him of how much I wanted him to know how much i loved him. Most of me has come to terms with it, the rest ? the optimist is hopeful, chocolate, yer a smart man. Seduction? Have you written to your wife what it is you desire? Yes write, it may help you pinpoint exactly what it is you want. Often I have a word I throw around, and my husband has no clue really what it is i am after. then i find, I didnt either. But we often want what we dont have, like my husband wont tie me up, yet there are men here who only wish thier wife was so willing. That grass is greener thing.
so glad yer a good daddy. You can stop touching her when its uncomfortable or odd, just always reaffirm with words. Its huge when a man reminds his daughter he loves her. )hugs(
I'd like your opinion
on a weird question.
I've occasionally wondered if bondage is sometimes, at base, a desire to be "immobilized" as one is in a big hug from an adult.
For example, Aphrodite's Chela once told me he had been taught that deep touching (a firm grip, as opposed to stroking, say) is very comforting to autistic kids. Soothes their nervous systems.
The tradition was once to "bind" infants in a special cloth for hours at a time. It fell into disrepute, but I read somewhere that they actually like it. Maybe such "pressure" reminds us of the womb or hugs from a large, loving parent. I don't know. Any thoughts?
Guess if there's anything to this, you could design a bonding behavior around this idea and see if it's especially comforting...without the bondage per se.
Too many thoughts Marnia,
Too many thoughts Marnia, for now let me just say for myself I have come to feel that I love restraints because it makes me trust in a way emotionally I will not do. Trust is a big issue for me, yet to experience love completely trust must be there. I must mention, I would never be restrained by someone I did not love. Knowing I am able to completely trust someone with me physically, is exciting as to do so emotionally would be quite scary. Do you understand? It also I think says to the restrainer, my level of trust, commitment and Love.
Thanks
Good to have another perspective.
Human behavior is such an
Human behavior is such an interesting thing. Your post above reminded me of a game my kids play with me when we wrestle. Sometimes, they like it when I squeeze them in a way where they can't move for a second or two. Then they struggle for a second and I release them. They love it. I think it causes not only the struggle but a moment's fear or alarm. Or, perhaps it is a fast buildup of energy and then a release. I have it down to a science now so that I don't squeeze too hard or too light.
I don't know if my wife would like the exercise, but maybe I will try it next time I try to wrestle with her. In fact, I think I have tried it before. I don't know about you guys, but my wife and I don't wrestle too much. Once in a great while we will get really frisky.
On a unrelated issue, the writer of the book "Urban Tantra" has an exercise called "Clench and Hold" which may have similar dynamics. If during sex, one clenches or tightens all muscles (especially the pelvic ones, stomach, and legs) along with the holding of one's breath, and then the person subsequently relaxes (and breathes), a great pleasure experience can sometimes occur.
Feel free
to add the book to the new "Books" wiki, if you think it's worthwhile:
http://www.reuniting.info/node/3756
Snap n slap
Well Marnia I told him when he got home what you suggested and when he got in bed he hollered at me
to hurry up. I ran in took off my shirt and sweats and snuggled, I love that spot he made some effort to stay awake a bit I had no intention of sleeping I was on his side of the bed but I kinda hovered between sleep and awake. Before I would have been uncomfortable and thinking about sex and how little I got , and yada yada
*smile*
Way to go. Try it again tonight. Could be the daily snuggle will keep you feeling well fed and let him feel less drained...and you'll both more easily find a middle ground for intercourse...after a time.
I hope so. In any case, you can't go wrong with skin-to skin!
. . . and Remember . . .
. . . that a hug a day keeps the marriage counselor away!
Hugs don't have to be skin to skin. All they require is eye contact before hand and a smile afterward. What could possibly be easier?
P.