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My thoughts on porn and lust
I've been concentrating my battles on porn but I've come to the realization that porn isn't the real enemy, porn is just a form of lust, in probably it's worst and most easily obtainable form. Going to the hookers is also a form of lust as is watching pornography or even eyeing a women with just the thought of how it would be to have sex with her instead of admiring her beauty.
There's a battle going on in my mind, a battle between love and lust. These two can't coexist together, one of them has to go and I have to choose which one to devote myself to. You can't love and lust something at the same time, it's impossible. You can either be loving something or lusting it.
Lust is hard to fight because lust is everywhere and it's become the norm in todays world, it uses your computer, it uses books, it can be used by someone walking on the street outside of your house right now, and the worst of all it can be used by your head, you can fantasize about it if you like.
The more I walk through my journey of abstaining the more the need to lust is melting away and the need to love is growing inside me.
So I think my addiction is moving slowly moving away from a porn addiction and I'm focusing on battling more of a lust addiction. Love is a beautiful thing and can last for ever whereas lust at one time or another will have to wither and die.
I think I know which side I want to be on.
J
- Courage's blog
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Comments
Good comments
Lust at it is basic definition is a "strong desire."
But of course it has become associated specifically to sexual desire. And what happens with a "strong desire" is a lack of peace and contentment. So lusting after anything, whether it be a woman or a piece of pie, is a disruption in the soul. Desire is one thing, but a strong desire means a desire that controls us, and focuses on satisfying our needs, thus selfishness.
Love, as you state it, focuses on satisfying the needs of the other person. Not in a self-depreciating way. But by fulfilling the needs of another, you are fulfilling your own needs as well. But love says, "what can I give" as opposed to lust which says, "what can I get."
And that can apply even to a marriage. If a marriage is based on lust, it will objectify the other person as a way to meet my needs instead of love which ask how can I more fully bond with this person to enhance both our lives? You become a team, a unit, "one flesh" with love, but with lust, an object to satisfy my desires.
You are on the right track with that. True love means more than infatuation or excitement at enjoying a good orgasm with someone, but a mutual martyrdom of each other towards the common goal of becoming together more than what we can be separate. Within that context, sex can become a uniting factor instead of a dividing one.
What I hear
is that the transition is occurring automatically. Other men have noticed this, too. Their view of women just...shifts. They begin to notice their smiles, make eye contact, notice their fragrances, etc. So maybe you don't have to battle yourself. Just remind yourself to smile at women and look them in the eyes...and the rest will take care of itself.
I'm not sure their view of
I'm not sure their view of women shifts unless you are speaking about their "physical" view. It is more a difference of perspective. If a man weans himself off of porn or masturbation, then perhaps a woman's smile, her eyes, or fragrance can be more arousing and intoxicating.
Their view of woman hasn't changed. They still consider the woman desirable, attractive, a potential lover, etc. But the above feminine characteristics provide more of a punch to the man's brain because the man's brain is more sensitive. The brain probably has more d2 receptors ready and willing to receive. The D2 receptors are begging for dopamine, any dopamine.
It is a question of necessity: the necessity of being happy and experiencing pleasure. The man who experiences pleasure in a woman's eyes, her fragrance, or the look or feeling of her skin has denied himself the more powerful pleasures and has become more sensitive in the process.
What I hear
is that the transition is occurring automatically. Other men have noticed this, too. Their view of women just...shifts. They begin to notice their smiles, make eye contact, notice their fragrances, etc. So maybe you don't have to battle yourself. Just remind yourself to smile at women and look them in the eyes...and the rest will take care of itself.
Day 18 is ending soon.
I woke up this morning and Willy was up and about as usual and wanted to play, I don't know if I've introduced you all to Willy, he's my penis. I told him that I'm getting too old to play with him and I don't think he took it to heart. He's a very persistent guy!
I had mixed feelings today, when I woke up I felt as if I had a lot of negative energy blocked inside of me, I don't know of another way to explain itt. I remembered some tai chi silk silk reeling exercises I used to do and I did some and they made me feel a bit better. I also did them again later on at night as I feel they help me relax and ease a bit of tension.
Today was another day off for me from work and I used most of my free time to work on my project outdoors. It was a nice day and I enjoyed working on it very much. I find as the days go by that I'm drawn more to be outdoors as I'm starting to feel like I'm cooped up when I'm indoors.
I also used to spend most of my time on the computer and am finding that I'm also being drawn away from that too. I feel like I'd rather be doing something more creative than passing my day browsing idly on the computer, and the good thing is it's coming natural to me. I'm not forcing myself to go out and work, it's something I look forward to and enjoy doing.
I also have become very sensitive to other addictions, I don't know if this has anything to do with me starting to balance out as Marnia says, or if it's because I've been abstaining from them.
Sugar - I don't want it at all, I'm not forcing myself to abstain from it and I'm not missing it at all, it just doesn't do anything for me.
Cigarettes - I don't even want to think about them.
Coffee - Like sugar, I don't enjoy it at all.
Alcohol - I'm getting in the habit of having a drink or two a day again. I think I'm passed the phase where I think of alcohol as a dangerous trigger, as long as I don't overdo it of course. I enjoy alcohol moderately and I have no desire to get drunk. One drink seems to do the trick for me now, but it is addictive and I think I'll only have a drink for social reasons only, for a bit of discipline.
I still feel grief for the loss of my dog, I'm reminded of him every now and then and of the happiness he brought to me and sorrow fills my heart. I feel the crying yesterday helped and I feel better today.
I did my workout in the evening which also helped to relieve some tension. I'm feeling very energetic today, almost too energetic. Sex drive is very high and I feel I really really really need a woman. I had strong urges to masturbate during the day to relieve the tension, but I didn't as I want to abstain for as long as I can for the moment. I also think that if I give in to masturbation that I'd most likely use fantasy which I don't think is healthy and will probably lead me to porn.
I've tried to masturbate without orgasm in the past but I always ended up fantasizing, viewing porn and orgasming so I don't think it's a good idea at the moment. I feel I have too much energy and I don't know what to do with it (hence this long post).
Anyway I'm feeling much better and stronger as each day passes and I feel I am finally starting to slowly balance out.
I wish you all well
Hyperactive Courage
Dear Hyper,
Any socializing in the mix? Maybe you should put your irresistible magnetism to good use.
Irresistible magnetism?
Wow I hope so! haha
I've isolated myself over the last couple of months due to my habits. I should be able to wiggle my self back into a social circle though.
Good
Socializing seems to offer a lot of comfort to many who are rebalancing. Let us know how it goes.
Day 19
Day 19 is ending soon. I had strong urges to masturbate and view porn today and I was very tempted to at least masturbate without porn but I got through that. I used the 15 minute thing and at times I couldn't think clearly at all.
There are times that I feel that my efforts are hopeless and I rely on faith alone to get me through. I know why I'm doing this and I know it's what I have to do if I'm ever going to return to balance, but when the urges hit me all logic and reason are gone, but there's a little spark of faith that gets me through, and when I do get through I'm always glad I didn't give in.
I feel as if there's a lot of dull energy inside of me that is keeping me from being happy. I wish I had a companion to just hug and embrace or even family or a friend for that matter, to help ease my pain, but I haven't, none that are compassionate enough that is.
All I have are my dogs. I had two but now I have one. That's why the loss of my dog affected me so much, because he and my other dog were the only guys I could bond with. It's hard to bond with friends and family when everyone is so estranged, but instead of complaining I think I'm going to make an effort to open up and maybe they in turn will open up, a little pat here, a little hug there, nice and slow.
I enjoyed some nice bonding with my other dog today which seemed to help to make me feel a little better and he definitely enjoyed it, I think it's definitely a two way street for us.
I'm starting to realize how important love is to us, it seems I've been distanced from it for so many years.
I wish you all well
Courage
Thanks for your thoughts
and congratulations on staying on the rails. Pups are great, but finding ways to connect with your fellow humans, even somewhat superficially at first, can be very helpful for most people. So don't wait. Tango? Toastmasters? Running clubs? biking? Meetup.com? Bird watching???
Remember...growing new neurons seems to speed the return to balance, and some of the best ways to do that are exercise and learning new things.
Day 20 is ending soon.
I had a very intense withdrawal phase today. I felt sad, depressed and mentally and physically lethargic and I also had a bit of a headache. Then around midday all these feelings were lifted from me and I started to feel much better. It seems like I'm going through cycles of withdrawal phases followed by feelings of well being, each time feeling a little better than the last.
When going through these withdrawal phases I feel very anxious and I find it harder to remember things and concentrate. My mind seems to follow a lot of different thoughts instead of concentrating on whatever task I'm doing at that time. I feel sad, lonely and feelings of despair. I find it hard to even articulate a simple sentence and my mind generally feels foggy.
When these phases end I start feeling fine again and each time better than the last, but I must admit these withdrawal phases are very rough and it seems that every time I go through them they're tougher than the last.
I had a few urges to view porn/masturbate through the day but nothing I couldn't handle.
Lots of love
Courage
Those waves
can be SO tough. But they do pass, and realizing that is a useful observation...for the rest of your life.
Still, I'm sorry you were hurtin'.
Day 21.
Nothing much to say today, which is a good thing. Most of the negative feelings are gone, depression, anxiety, loneliness etc. I'm starting to get my rage under control which was a major problem for me and ruining mine and others day.
Generally I'm feeling more in control of everything the more days pass by. My sex drive is very high and I had cravings during the day but I felt I was in total control of them. I didn't need any special techniques to get me through them anymore, they were there and I just ignored them because I knew they had no power over me anymore.
Today I feel as if the worst is really behind me and I don't think I'll be sucked in again unless I consciously make that decision (which I think I won't). It feels as if the positive is finally starting to outweigh the negative and I think I'm on a good path.
I've still got many many issues to settle but by getting this addiction slowly out of the way I think everything else in my life will be much easier and I believe if I keep it up things will slowly start to fall into place as teh days go by.
I won't be blogging everyday anymore since I feel I'm finally gaining control of this. I'll keep everyone up to date of how I'm doing with life whenever I feel there's something worth mentioning and hopefully I won't be sucked into the hell which is porn/masturbation addiction again.
I can't say enough how much writing my feelings down here on a daily basis, reading your blogs and having you guys for encouragement and advice has helped me so far on my journey. I think I'd still be stuck in my addiction if it wasn't for this wonderful place Marnia has created for us.
Thank you all and lots of love
Courage
You're most welcome
and I'm sure your posts have helped others just as much.
Glad you're over the hump...er.
Stop by when you can. *waves*