http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
this describes me for the most part.
even the self harm which I have done in fits of rage. just hitting things till the pain brings me back to focus. I would assume that is self harm.
It just seems to fit me and my reactions.
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to give an idea
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/moodgym
I went through this and all it did was piss me off and make me feel worse about myself.
apparently I am warped and my thinking is screwed up and it just keeps telling me this over and over and over. I do not understand how to answer some of the stuff and that is not helping. So over all spending time on that site just has me angry and frustrated and of course it is because I am screwed up apparently.
another thing The Work.
http://www.thework.com/video_money2.asp
this video makes no sense to me. yeah I know I need money. I need it right this very moment cause I have bills to pay that are due right now. I do not have enough to pay them all that are due right now. so yes I need more money right now.
no #$%# I do not have more money than I have right now hence the %@#%@ need for more. I do not want more to just have more I need it for the expenses of living. OH good I can just think happy thoughts while I am starving on the street corner and everything will be fine that makes perfect sense to me.
This is just screwed up thinking to me. No logic to it at all. Some times you need things. Some times you do not have enough of what you need. that is reality.
The fantasy is the type of thinking in that video.
Seeker - Deep Breath
Hi Seeker,
Calm. Find some time to center yourself. You are beginning to sound like your own worst enemy. Lighten up on yourself a little. Nothing will be achieved by beating yourself up. Healing will not happen while you are caught up in the moment. Try using Daffy Duck's tapping. It has helped so many people help themselves.
P.
Tapping and meditation is
Tapping and meditation is the only thing keeping me half sane right now.
I have wondered if I am
I have wondered if I am borderline while going through withdrawals, its felt like it some days. Youre going through it and rough patches are inevitable. Hang in there and keep doing what you know works. Things will fall into place, they have before through this process, right?
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
U need to center yourself
I agree with poet. You need to try and center yourself seeker. Can you try to sit down and do some meditation and then go our for a long walk. Its sounds like your perspectives a little distorted at this moment, or rather dopamine is influencing your perspective to much. how many days has it been since the last time u PMO? by any chance have you ever thought about doing some kind of creative activity like painting or writing? maybe right now would be a great time to just take out some blank sheets of paper and write write write. ARe you off today? make this your "treat me well"l day. Can you just agree to not think about your problems for this next day and do activities that are beneficial for you? reach out to somebody; call somebody, or even rent a good movie that will leave you feeling uplifted; Just don't add to your anguish especially by actively seeking out information to support your views of your self at the moment. I know of course its much easier to give than to follow advice and i know that the severity of my issues surrounding POM are probably easier to deal with then yours, but never the less, i give this advice with the best of intent. Sometimes pushing is going to feel like pushing your head through a brick wall, but eventually the pain will subside and u'll see that its worth it after discovering whats on the other side.
TAke care of youself
Diamond.
thank you
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0846789/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0399877/
I am waiting for those 2 movies to arrive in the mail. they will be here today. We will see how I react to them.
all of your suggestions are good. I will try not to think about my problems any more today. I also will try not to let things lead me to anger.
this is day 7 since last Masturbating to orgasm. I have not viewed porn in 4+ months. No sexual fantasies while masturbating either. I do seem to have a very bad hangover effect from O though so it is enough to throw me into depression and worse.
I used to draw. I have tried again recently and I just could not do it. the last thing I drew was 16 years ago. that is when my heavy porn addiction started. I let my addiction take that skill from me.
I have tried writing and I just sit there trying to figure out something to write and just get frustrated. I wish I could. I may try later today.
I will try meditation some today. it may help clear me some. I hope to have contact with at least one friend today by phone.
I will update my progress today.
I am in the middle of redoing my bedroom and another room in the house. I have been reading on feng shui. I see many problems with my room. I have depressing images of native americans all over the walls. I have my bed in a bad setup. I have exercise equipment and my computer in here. They will be in another room by the end of the day. I am taking the stuff off the walls. I am going to purchase some more uplifting and happy stuff for the walls. I am taking the covers from over the windows. Yes I keep the blinds closed and throws over the windows. It kept out all the natural light which from reading is bad. I have the windows open now and One of those down with natural light and fresh air coming in. it is raining so that is an even better smell to me. I feel a bit better just with these few changes so far. I hope to have my room in order by tomorrow. I can see the benefit of how to setup the bedroom for better feelings in what I have read on it so far. I guess i do not have to believe in energy flow for the ideas to benefit. It is just looking at the way my room was and how I have it planned out will make me feel better. I will love the new non clutter no equipment setup. I already feel better just seeing it planned out and mapped in my head.
Thanks
Wishing you well
Be Safe
James
Sometimes
these crises are just what we need to clear up something we didn't even realize we needed to clear up. Enjoy your new room.
I wish you could realize that test scores don't have a thing to do with who YOU ARE. All of us have things we can work on, and tests can show us useful clues - sometimes. But they don't define who we are...unless we let them. That's not a good idea.
Remember: you're a pearl. Everything else is just temporary mud.
*big hug*
OK I feel much better. I got
OK I feel much better. I got going with my bedroom and former junk room. I am not done but I have the computers and exercise equipment in what was my junk room. the junk room is cleared and organized mostly now. big improvement though. I feel much better about it and my setup with my computers and stuff. Still working on the bedroom. It is going well though. By the time I go to sleep my bed will be in a better position. No electronic equipment except for a battery alarm clock. All the depressive pictures and ones depicting battles will be down. Still have work to do after that but it will be a big improvement. This whole project improved my mood.
I watched The Secret. Unlike the other stuff that I read this actually worked for me. It is much the same thing but presented better at least to me. Maybe because my mood was improved. I have used the secret before without knowing. I know it works. The law of attraction. Like the last little while I have been worried about money. I am not sure why I do that. I normally just believe money will not be a problem and well it never is in the end. I need to just focus on that. I have used it to finally learn to drive. I visualized that and wanted it and just kept positive about it and I was not just driving after 34 years but I had my license in less than 3 months after driving for the first time. Been driving for over 3 years now and not looking back. I have used it to get the cars that I wanted. I did not think big but I have had at least 3 or 4 cars because I wanted them. I did not know at the time how I would get them but I got the ones I wanted. So I know this works. I believe it can and will work.
Well before I started watching The Secret. I fixed myself something to eat. Cooking also helps my moods. I enjoy it. I fixed a healthy meal so that also helps.
So as of now I have stopped the mental meltdown from the last few days. I feel happier and I am going to keep it that way.
to top it off my cravings and stuff are almost not there.
Sorry for all the turmoil. I am going to be better from here on out. not try not hope. I am going to be better. I am going to be happy. I am going to be positive.
Wishing everyone well
Be Safe
James
What is holding me back or
What is holding me back or causing me pain?
SELF-JUSTIFICATION
Is there something I need to be alert to in my situation?
FAILURE TO ACT
What insight will help me at this time?
REACH OUT TO ANOTHER
You sound positive. Its
You sound positive. Its inspiring to hear posts like this. Those little things like cooking are actually big things when we are all down. Success breeds success.
I tried the secret too, it seemed to work. I might need to do it again. I think we just shut ourselves down from the good things. We really are our own worst enemies.
Hang in there.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Still doing well. getting
Still doing well. getting closer to finishing my bedroom. I swear I slept better last night. Not sure if it is just the thought or the changes made a difference in energy flow. Either way I will take it. :).
I am just having one problem. Had a reaction with something that triggered me but I managed to take some deep breathes and talk to myself and it the reaction passed. No cravings or urges for p/m/o/f right now. but there is a huge screaming craving for something sweet.
I mean I think I could eat a whole tub of ice cream or a while cheese cake right about now. I could mention many other sweets but it would just make it worse.
I drank a soda with HFC in it for the first time in months today. I am thinking that was a bad idea. it was caffeine free at least. Bah Now I have to deal with sugar cravings. I guess I could go drink some agave straight out of the container :). maybe that will help or it could just make it worse.
Other than that it is still a good day :)
Wishing everyone well
Be Safe
James
When sugar
tips my boat, I find a few walnuts or pecans (raw) are a good way to get back in balance. They have some protein, but they also have a nice chewiness. And if I'm not willing to eat them...then I'm not really hungry - or at least that's what I try to tell myself.
Actually, as we know, cravings aren't necessarily "real" hunger anyway after too much sugar or whatever.
Find something that works for you, if nuts don't. Just white-knuckling is too tough. Makes me cranky.
great hi energy snack
If your looking for a good snack to quiet down your cravings maybe you could try a brown rice cake (not regular rice cake. Read label to make sure doesnt have sugar) smothered with natural peanut or almond butter (u have to read the label n make sure that the only ingridients are the nuts and salt or) and then you add some banana slices on top or whatever fruit floats your boat. I find however that the combo of peanut butter with banana is really good.
that is funny I was going to
that is funny I was going to post that I normally use natural peanut butter or almond butter to fight off these cravings. A big spoon full :)
I thought of it this morning making breakfast. Now why did I not think of it yesterday ? I think it is the same as the other addictions. You mind kind of goes in autopilot and all you have learned is kind of blocked till you can get those better habits firmly in place. I need to make a list of things to do when certain cravings hit.
I think that might work. that way I do not have to think about it. tape it to the frigde and cabinets so when I go "looking" for food I know what I should eat :). I think I will try this.
Same with the M'ing and O'ing I need to come up with a list of things to do to take there place. I mean I "know" what to do but I think having in my face so I do not have to argue with the addicted mind might work.
I will work on something when I get home today :)
wishing you well
Be Safe
James
Sexcream I mean icecream
I just made a huge malted milk shake with whoppers and whipped cream and finished off that bucket. It sadly comforts me when he fails to or I refrain from asking for whatever it is that I need. I am so stoked yr doin so well. Yeah !
For some, pleasure is a fever they can't shake. For others, it's a disease they cannot seem to catch. ~Nathaniel LeTonnerre, translated
Love that LeTonnerre quotation
Hence the need for the middle path.
I Know I have been told all
I Know I have been told all my life that I get self destructive in my thinking. I know I get rage. I see now that orgasm is what was doing this to me. As was pointed out to me Orgasms just fuck me up. I see others have addiction problems same as me. Others have withdrawals. Not as many have just the complete mind meltdown that I get. It seems that if I go a week or two between orgasms the meltdown is even worse. I guess having multi Os a day kind of blunts the effect somehow. Maybe just the spike after spike of dopamine.
I am just going over this cause I really need to go without. I have felt a change in me today. I can not explain it. It is form all my reading and stuff over the last week. I felt so much at peace after my meditation this morning. My chaotic mind and negative thinking just stopped.
My feelings of anger towards the things I had been reading kind of lifted.
Something else came to me.
After watching What the bleep do we know ? well the first 40 minutes anyway. They were talking about time. That past and future are basically the same. Well not exactly right but close enough. It is just that time is the same either way.
Now I came across this "You can not suffer enough to change the past". Well what ever helped me to rethink things connected these two.
If past and future are so closely related then I can not suffer enough to change the future either. I thought of that while in meditation.
That thought changed something in my head. I feel calm. Happy and at peace. Not perfect but compared to the way I was before this thought it has been an amazing shift. I do not think I can explain it. I just know something is different.
I even feel different about my cravings or I should say my masturbation cravings were gone completely for the first time in a long time. I am not exactly at zero now but it is close. I think it is more just reading on here and thinking about it.
Sorry rambling around in my thoughts. I just really do not want to lose this feeling I have. I just do not feel angry at things right now. I even thought about all that stuff that was making me angry over the last few days. It just did not have the same effect on me as before. I just had no reaction against those things. It is very strange.
Thought I would share.
Wishing everyone well
Be Safe
James
Great Insights!!
sounds like your beginning to have some very liberating insights!! im very happy that the hard work and resilience is beginning to pay off. keep up the great work Seeker!!
Wishing you well
Diamond
I'm starting to think
of the dangers of over-stimulation a bit differently. These days, I think it's helpful to focus on the concept of "desensitizing the brain."
Once you understand that excess inflames cravings because your brain is DE-sensitized, rather than MORE sensitive, it explains SO MUCH. Cravings aren't the same as healthy libido, in other words.
But here's why you didn't notice the problems as intensely when you were orgasming frequently. Masturbation, especially to extreme material, deadens you to some kinds of intense emotions. And even if you feel them, you can "forget about them" instantly by running to the drug of porn. So, in a sense frequent orgasm "works." Of course, it also creates other problems...anxiety, mood swings, isolation, escalation, etc.
Obviously, as you allow your brain to return to its natural sensitivity, it's going to FEEL things more...both good and bad. That's disconcerting on bad days.
I still hope, though, that if you get all the way through the reboot (and I wish I knew the ideal number of weeks for you, Seeker), you might find you aren't as susceptible to such intense binges and meltdowns after orgasm. Or maybe the answer for you will be a partner.
I have remained sensitive to orgasm. So has Gary. But the effects are relatively mild these days. Of course, we never thought of any of our woes as being connected with frequent orgasm while they were happening more regularly (before we experimented with karezza).
We were kinda like Cole. It wasn't until we got off of getting off
that we noticed that life was a lot sweeter away from the roller coaster, with the emphasis on soothing bonding behaviors.
More insights
This makes a lot of sense to me. My brain has not had to cope with emotions and feelings in so long it just has not come up with a way to cope yet. I go through very sad, very happy, very angry, very everything not much in between. That feeling great while abstaining then the next day relapse. This would explain that. I remember during that time thinking and I believe even writing it down here. That the "energy" the feelings I just did not know what to do with them. That led to the relapse. I think you have it. It is that sensitivity coming back. My mind learning how to deal with feelings and emotions it never really had to deal with before. No wonder this can have your mind so fucked up. Have multiple Os a day for 25 years and just more and more over the last 15 with extreme material. I just have to ride it out till my mind has recovered. I really think my trip will help with this. I will make it to the start of my trip without masturbating or O that will be 3 weeks and then the trip will last 2 so at the end I will be at 5 weeks. Then I just have to keep going for as long as possible.
I talked about this above. Yes that is exactly right when I felt strong emotions rather than deal with them I would masturbate to orgasm using porn or fantasy. I just never dealt with emotions and feelings. No wonder this talk about "feeling" the body and focus on the feelings in the body and all other such talk just confuses the hell out of me. No wonder I have not one clue what these people are talking about. I do not feel these things. I have covered it up and desensitized myself my whole life to this. It is going to take time before I can feel these things. My mind, body, feelings, and emotions just do not talk to each other right now. How could they ? I have spent 25 years making sure they did not talk to each other. Now I just have to get masturbation and Orgasm out of my life long enough to get these guys talking to each other on friendly terms again :). @#%@ they do not even know each other. No wonder I do not know myself :(
Yeah to throw all that stuff from above on top then this. I believe most everyone else here has had contact with other people during sex or at least bonding behaviors with other people. I think about this. I have never had this type of Oxytocin release EVER. I mean I get it in other ways but I think it is different with this type of contact. The same as more chemicals are released during sex with a partner than with just masturbation. I think that has been proven I read it here and other places. Well I have just fucked myself up so completely and then have had none of this type of experience to blunt it in anyway. No wonder I again get just complete meltdowns.
I will be a real case study if I go all the way through reboot and have myself balanced. Then my first interaction with a partner should be crazy and intense. My mind really wont know what to do at that point I am sure lol. Hopefully I will get to share that experience on here one day :).
I can only hope that I can get to this point. Not to have more orgasms but to be able to at least deal with them when they happen. cause right now my mind and body just can not deal with them till I am at least a week away from one. I need to be at least 3 weeks to be somewhat clear. That is from my past experience. I have only been over 3 weeks twice so far. I want to know what say 3 months or 6 months feels like. How it changes my perception.
I just want to get my feelings and emotions back in balance.
Wishing everyone well
Be Safe
James
I think I need to do an article on this
So many guys are going to need these same insights.
What I admire in you, Seeker . . .
. . . is the way you kept hammering away at the problem until you found a solution that worked for you. That kind of determination is golden!
P.
Well I did well last night.
Well I did well last night. I had my Toastmasters meeting. Not only was I able to deal with speaking much better than ever before. I even was picked as the best speaker for table topics last night :). I would have not thought that possible even 8 weeks ago when I went to my first meeting and could not even introduce myself. I cheated though :). Well not really. As the table topics started up and before it got to be my turn I did something. I started focusing on my breathe. I even closed my eyes and did a quick focus using the guided meditation practice. I did this for several minutes while others spoke. Not very long. It was enough though to calm my mind down. It kept it from running away. It was the first time I have spoke in front of the group and was able to even come close to thinking clearly and I remember what I said for the first time. Really I do not remember very much from any of my other speeches except for the one I wrote down and read from. It was also easy cause I was asked about climate change. Well I had enough to say about that subject. Not going to start that debate here lol. We need to deal with other things on this site. No need for that kind of debate here we have enough debate as it is.
I thought I would share this. I just want to say that I am glad I decided to start going to Toastmasters. It took a lot of pushing by Marnia and a couple other members but I ended up going. For those with anxiety and trying to get out more and meet people and just keep from isolating so much I would recommend it. The great thing is you can go as a guest and it cost nothing. You can go as much as you like. The group I go to even like it when more people show up :). They enjoy guest. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do including introducing yourself. You can just show up and sit in the back or where ever and watch. Trust me I know how stressful and how social anxiety stuff can cripple you.
This is a nice safe way to just get out of that isolation. You never know you might even like joining in at some point. Just some thoughts.
I am sure I would not have done this without giving up porn and cutting way back in my attempt to give up m/o.
Wishing everyone well
Be Safe
James
What is holding me back or
What is holding me back or causing me pain?
SELF-ABSORPTION
Is there something I need to be alert to in my situation?
SHIRKING RESPONSIBILITY
What insight will help me at this time?
REMEMBERING TO DO SPIRITUAL OR WELL-BEING PRACTICE
Yes I know I will do my meditation later at work during break time. Just calm down :)
That is REALLY impressive
I loved Toastmasters, too, but was always pathetic at table topics (speaking spontaneously). Too muh adrenaline flowing.
I bet a breath exercise would have helped.
I am not sure if the thought
I am not sure if the thought of turning myself completely around and enjoying public speaking scares me or makes me excited and happy lol. I think a bit of both. I did feel a boost after doing well and then getting voted best speaker. Can you get addicted to that sort of thing :) lol not sure I want to know the answer to that.
I am feeling very good today. Happy and trying to stay positive. Cravings are really really high but I will manage. Tomorrow will be day 12 the last 2 day 12's were masturbation/orgasm relapses. I will not let that happen tomorrow. I will use everything I can think of to keep that from happening.
One other thing now that I think about it. Something like this in the past would have lead to m/o. Just the amount of energy would have pushed me over the edge. I just did not know how to deal with it any other way. I think today it is channelling into me being happy and positive. I feel good about it and do not need to "do" anything about it.
Be Safe
James
That's great James!
I do what you did sometimes, it really helps me to "be in the moment" and slow yourself down and avoid panic.
Well had cravings kick in
Well had cravings kick in tonight. I am doing OK with that after a tapping session. It seemed to calm me way down. The cravings and body reaction were at 10+. Now down to about a 2 or 3. Tapping really does help me at least in the short term. I need to use it more and stick with it.
I felt that happiness and good feelings and positive thought pattern start to sleep today. Kind of strange. I felt good the last few days. Then bam that depression and loneliness and despair and hopelessness comes crashing in. Not as bad as it has been but not good either.
I have kept up with my morning meditation. Well I do it by 10 am I try to do it soon after waking but sometimes that does not work out. I think I have got meditation in every day at least at some point in the day for almost a week maybe over a week I think I should probably look that up. I feel so much "lighter" after meditation. I feel my thoughts focus. Not so much scattering around and useless thoughts. I have more control over my thoughts and thought pattern. I have to keep this up. I just feel good after meditation. almost like a dopamine surge.
Getting sleepy now I think I am leaving some things out but that should do for now
wishing everyone well
Be Safe
James
well how about an oracle for bed
What is holding me back or causing me pain?
DOUBTS ABOUT INNER WORTH
Is there something I need to be alert to in my situation?
IMPATIENCE
What insight will help me at this time?
GIVE IT YOUR BEST
I really hate when the oracle is just blunt and cold and correct. I do have doubts where do you think the depression and loneliness and just pain comes from.
well yes I am most of the time.
I do my best really I do.