A small step I hope

Submitted by RedDragon on Thu, 2010-04-29 18:47
Community topics: 
porn addiction
porn recovery
dreams

This is going to be a quick check in.

Today is ~ 40 days w/o porn, masturbation, or orgasm. March 18th was my start date. I've had 5 or 6 dreams so far with porn in them. I've always jerked off or tried to in my dreams. I wake up relieved that I'm still on the train. After I have a porn dream, the next day I'm much more tempted to give in the urge. I haven't. So I've had around 5 or 6 days which have been tough. The rest have been relatively easy.

Last night I actually dreampt about a real woman. I know. After dreaming of porn, porn, porn, this is a smiley surprise. I was flirting with a real (dream) woman, rubbing her shoulders. The sensations were amazing. She was really hot and I thought she had a boyfriend so I was just making gentle contact around the shoulder area. I expected her to say something about a boyfriend but she just kept smiling. I glanced but didn't touch her legs.

I was barely tempted by porn today. Progress? Not sure. I am confident of making it another 20 days. Then I'm going to look for dates and transition into kareeza hopefully.

I feel good, have more energy than ever in my life. I used to get ultra fatigued during the afternoon. Now I slow down, but I don't crash. Also, I have been eating a lot of vegetables and have eaten well generally.

I don't know how significant dreaming about a real woman vs porn is, but it seems like a good step in the right direction to me.

Best,

Frank

Comments

Submitted by Harmony on Thu, 2010-04-29 20:23.

I had a strange dream recently where it became clear that Google Street View function had extended to being able to see live footage of anyone, anywhere, at anytime (even in privacy). This seemed like the ultimate heaven for my addict mind. IT could peer in on people having sex, or orgies, or just lying around naked in bathhouses or nude beaches...

But then came the shocking realization... others could see ME doing this!!!!!!! (Not sure if that is exactly how the dream went, but it was something like that.)

On one level, I think this dream was simply an expression of wish-fulfillment (the first part of it anyway). Symbolically though, it seems to speak to the nature of pornography viewing. Viewing pornography seems like a good deal on the surface: free sex with anyone at anytime. But I cannot seem to get away from somehow feeling ashamed about using people as objects in private for the sake of gratifying lust. It seems to be because on some level I know that I have acted lovelessly and in a self-centered way. When I get in touch with this, it also seems clear that my actions have been in some way freely chosen, that I have, in other words, done what I have even as I have known it to be selfish. (That seems to be where the real shame is.)

Point is, I do not think I ever really view porn in private. It is as though the whole world is watching me, even when I think I act in private. This is what I seem to realize when I get in touch with my shame, that I cannot hide what I have done forever. Eventually the truth comes out.

Submitted by Rockhardington on Thu, 2010-04-29 20:46.

Interesting dreams. Sounds like some root shame stuff Harmony. Its weird how we feel that way even if we dont really care about whether porn is morally good or bad. That still trips me out. Everybody in our culture seems to do it, you shake hands with people who do it everyday! Yet, its this weird shameful thing.

Good work on the 40 days, thats tough. Yeah, those dreams can be weird. Ive woken up from some of these dreams feeling very triggered. Its a strange component of this addiction that's not talked about much, but they can be powerful.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Submitted by Harmony on Thu, 2010-04-29 20:56.

“If you would not be known to do any thing, never do it. A man may play the fool in the drifts of a desert, but every grain of sand shall seem to see.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Source: http://www.rwe.org/works/Essays-1st_Series_04_Spiritual_Laws.htm

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Thu, 2010-04-29 21:21.

I really like the sound of that dream. Seems like it was soothing to your whole nervous system. smiley

Harmony, I suspect there are few people in the world who have only done things they would happily reveal publicly - and equally few who have never had any curiosity about sexual stimuli. So you're in good company. smiley

After my sister divorced, she focused a lot on how brokenhearted she was and how unfair the circumstances. At one point a friend gently said, "There will come a time when your divorce is not so dominant in your thoughts," or something to that effect. The friend was right. My sister is now pretty happy, despite the trauma. Time helped, of course. So did learning more about how to regulate her mood on her own. (Challenging, as we all know.)

I hope you will find the same peace around your past porn use. Truly, the past doesn't matter. All that matters is what you're doing now: weighing anchor and cruising forward to find a life of contentment. The pain will ease.

Maybe you could make a deal with yourself to wait a month before dwelling on any shameful thoughts. By then, the "charge" may already be reduced. Worst case, you'll get a break from them, and maybe some new insights.

*big hug*