Adaptation v. Compromise

Submitted by AlexG on Thu, 2010-05-06 04:47
Community topics: 
advice
penetration
semen retention
orgasm
intercourse
abstinence
chastity
old habits
ejaculation

Just beginning here; looking for advice on which aspects of "fertilization sexuality" can be adapted to bonding, and which are just distracting holdovers which it would be best to remove from my practice (e.g. intercourse, ejaculation), but which are generally allowed here, if rarely or on a schedule, only because "we are human" and can't or don't really want to give them up. I know my own mind well enough from experience (e.g. quitting smoking) that the gradual approach doesn't work too well for me; that as difficult as it is for a while at first, what works is saying "I'm not going to ever do that again" and doing whatever it takes to stay with that 'til I'm "retrained". Of course, advice on ways to do that, and support along the way, would also be appreciated.

Comments

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Thu, 2010-05-06 10:55.

try a period of abstinence. There's a three-week program in the back of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow designed for this precise purpose. It gives couples nightly playful affectionate activities. The first two weeks there's no intercourse. The third week calls for a bit of very gentle intercourse. At that point, you should be able to see the difference between "ordinary sex" and "karezza." (You may not see as MUCH difference if you've been hooked on porn, because your brain may need a few more weeks to bounce back to its normal sensitivity.)

After three weeks, you can decide if you want to keep going (as we do), or go back to conventional sex and see what you notice over the next two weeks.

BTW, I just created this short version of a month's worth of bonding-behavior activities for couples who might enjoy them: http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/Bonding.Behaviors.pdf

Remember, harmony is dependent upon daily affection. Avoiding orgasm can help with that, if you're sensitive to the neurochemical fallout that can hit over the two weeks following. But the affection is not optional if you want best results.

Good luck!

Submitted by AlexG on Fri, 2010-05-07 04:40.

...for the advice. Once I've finished the book I'll start keeping you posted on how we're doing.

Submitted by Poet on Thu, 2010-05-06 13:16.

Let's be clear here. Even if your affectionate hugs are in the form of one-way or stealth karezza, the effect is on BOTH partners. On a daily basis you will probably not notice the effect on yourself. It may not ever be apparent to you, but watch for comments from people close to you. If someone comments how stressed you USED to look, then they are seeing a calmer you NOW. Someone told me that I was looking younger. When I quizzed them, they were unable to give details, but I expect that some of the "worry lines" had smoothed in my face.

P.