My recovery from porn and masturbation addiction (part 5)

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Hey! I'm here with a new blog entry, a new blog entry means a new start. And well, I'm at day 2 now of my new trial.
I am going well. I think that, over the trials that my brain has started to get used to not use porn. I think my antidepressants help here alot for the dopamine urges I am coming back to balance, slowly but carefully. This one is the real time, K9 helps me alot. It works great!

I am very positive for this new start. I can't wait until I get my life back!

Have a nice day! smiley

Comments

Yeah, you do start to get

Yeah, you do start to get used to not having it around. It gets easier and easier the more you stay away from it. That's why we are not at a total loss when we relapse, we spent days or weeks or months at a time without porn. Naturally, we just start building better life habits with the new time we have.

Nice job with the blocker. Thats been a saving grace for me a few times. In fact, I havent even looked at porn since I installed about 6 weeks ago. There really is a difference between a porn free life and not. I didnt think I would notice it if I had still been having occasional orgasm, but I found out I was wrong. I am just better able to interact with women, I dont have that garbage in my mind, the shame is less. Its noticeable. I dont ever see myself wanting to let porn back into my life. I like this life much better.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I slipped again

I slipped again, back to day 0
I think i will start to write a posts everyday of my triggers and how I feel, when I achieved the 26 days, i was posting daily, I think posting alot is the key

1. Post everyday on reunitng to remind me of my goal.
2. using internet less possible
3. Stop disapointing you

First day

hey!
So this is the first day. I am doing good. I think I'll get through this. I seem to be less anxious than before. I am confident and ready to get rid of this.

Hey 5th day today

Hey!
So this is the 5th day.
Bad news,
my girlfriend was with me yesterday and I wasnt able to get a strong erection. I had only a 3/4 erection, this makes me mad and angry. I wanna come back to myself fast. I love her so much. I told her it was because of my medecine, wich is partly true. And it doesn't bother her. She told me:
I don't care, I love you. It made me feel beter. :) Now at 5th day, I have no urges yet to masterbate, I am on the right tracks.

Seeya

As best I can tell,

you really have to give your brain a long rest from its current associations between arousal and the stimuli you don't want anymore. And you also have to let go of your attachment to having your body respond a certain way. That's part of the neurochemical angst that holds the old wiring in place.

In short, you're on the right track. Stay with it for a bout 6 weeks and THEN see what you notice.

Glad your girlfriend sees the real you. smiley

5th day blues

You know, Friday was my 5th day too, and despite the fact that we were on an anniversary, at a bed and breakfast, my erection only lasted for a while, then I couldn't get it up to save my life. Same thing happened the next morning, but later on the 6th day, I could get it erect and keep it that way for a long time.

I'm thinking there's some down time during abstaining that happens around the 5th day, but sometime on the 6th the testosterone kicks in and you have a burst of that to deal with for a few days.

So it may have just been the abstinence cycle that was affecting your ability. It just hit at the wrong time. smiley

And though a day after our anniversary, we did successfully have sex Sunday. :D Just in case you're wondering.

Keep going, you'll know more when you get to the other side of the fence.

I feel your pain man, this

I feel your pain man, this same thing happened to me very recently.
I abstained for two weeks and was starting to see much less erection priblems with my girl, but this made me feel like the problem was over, I relapsed and them the other day, bam, the problems are back.

Keep persevering with the abstinence, it really does work. Your girlfriend sounds really understanding for that youre very lucky.

I'm new, doing some research...

First of all, I want to say thanks for your blog post on this topic. Yay! I'm not the only one that goes for a while and relapses. Keep up the good work, find something you're passionate about... and never ever be alone with the computer! :)

The start of my journey down this bad road of porn addiction started at an early age of course. Now, almost 30 years later, still struggling with it. I don't take anti-depressants or anything of that nature... I just deal with things on a daily basis.

The crux of my problem is that I have a handicap, and so feel that I have no alternative to "feeling good" this way with a woman, except for this. Bad excuse for sure. I have many issues that I deal with on my own and so feel that my thinking may be faulty. Perhaps the founder of this site, and the support of all of you can help me out... this is just getting out of hand. Thanks for reading!

6th day

Hey,
so this is the 6th day.
Today I had an erection while watching at a girl, I imagined having sex with her (she is very attractive) yeah I shouldnt say that I have a girlfriend, but I would never cheat on her. So yeah, I was starting to have a erection, then a shemale image popped in my head, I imagined her with a penis. I became very arroused and I was angry at myself. I have to stop any kind of fantasy, because it brings back the old ones.

This is an anxiety trigger I need to avoid, and this is too, a form of testing that I have to stop.
I am learning daily :P

Have a nice day!

P.S.
lovingjack, thanks for visiting and posting on on my blog. I know some of you lurk and do not post. I am happy about it if it can help you. But please if you are in the same situation that I am right now, create your blog too, it is not a waste of time it really helps, the more we are that can share information, the better. This site is a benediction. Use it, it will help you

Thanks marnia

7th day

Hey!
So this is the 7th day!
I have been ok today, I will start jogging again from tomorrow night. I think it really helps. I Need to be busy and I know boredon is one of my triggers, I need to avoid it. I am doing well.

Seeya tomorrow!

10th day

Hey! Good news tonight.

**Warning, this post will contain explicit content**

Well, today went fine. My girlfriend was coming at my house tonight. We usually start to watch a movie but we never finish it because we kiss too much. So after some kissing. She started stroking my penis. I had only a 3/4 erection. So.... As usual, I was frustrated. I told her: don't care about me, the most important is you. (i dunno if I translated that well from language, if not, please tell me). I started massaging her breasts and sucking her nipples. I think she likeS it a lot. I decided to give FULL attention to her. I lastly startes to use my finger to please her. She seemed to really like it. And then I realized, I had a good erection. I understood really. I haves to focus on her only. And not care about me. I love her so much

have a nice day

Remember,

don't *try* to maintain it. Just focus on her for now. You're retraining your brain to associate contact with ease of erection.

20th day

Hey
So this is the 20th day.
I seem to be ok. My is trying to persuade me to masterbate I think, by saying who cares if you are watching shemale porn, go fo it. i won't fall for this. I will keep my abstinence at all costs. I have had small anxiety attacks recently. About the fear of having become gay. I have sometimes random erections like when I was in a bus I was sitting next to one of my friends, and I started to have an erection and I started to be anxious. My brain is always playing tricks on me like this. I think when you get to this point in abstinence, it becomes hard.

I won't fail!

Seeya

Whether or not

you "fail," just try to give those unwanted erections as little attention and emotional reaction as possible. Could you just turn your attention immediately to thoughts of good feelings you've had with your girlfriend, perhaps?

On the whole

it seems to be working.

If you were trying to break some other habit, I think you'd be a lot gentler with yourself. Brains aren't machines. Be patient. Consistency pays...eventually.

*big hug*

on fantasy.....

Personally i have found that its alot easier if you just stop fantasizing in general. Not only do i not think about porn, but if i see a women in everyday life i won't either. If i find myself doing it i quickly try and think of something else. The purpose here is to stop thinking of women as pornographic images. I want to get back to years back when looking at a women was mysterious, and not boring. I wanna bring that excitement back.

My goal is to starve my body of anything sexual for a while, cause honestly i've been feeding into it for so many years. I want to let my natural sexual desire come back. I made the mistake of constantly checking myself until it came back, seeing if certain things would turn me on. Now i'm just gonna let it come back when it decides to. I'm not going to give in. If that means not thinking of anything sexual for a couple weeks then so be it. I think fantasy can hurt alot, and staying away from it can be very beneficial. What do we really get out of sexual fantasy anyway?

Maybe try only thinking of stuff like that when your girlfriend is right in front of you. Maybe that will help. Again my best progress i ever made was when i stopped the P and MB, but also the sexual fantasy. I guess its impossible to get away from porn and things related if your constantly thinking about it. I agree with marnia, if you start to think of something porn related, think of something else really quick. As time goes on i think you'll find it easier to put those images to the side.

checking ourselves

That seems to be a big issue in recovery. For years and years, I've always had to "check myself". I'm on day 40, and still indulge in fantasy, and I've only noticed some decent libido 2 out of these 40 days, but that is better than the past 15 years. I admit I'm scared that my libido won't return. Is 90 days the best target? I don't want to set myself up to be disappointed.

Hey

Thanks for visiting my blog.
Well in fact, I think the one that you should ask this answer to is Seeker, I think for him it was around 90 days yes.

IM on day 22!!!
U are on day 40 thats awesome, keep fighting

avoiding fantasies is hard, I tried today. I think i'll be able. But it will take some time

have a nice day

I find your

post spot on. That is my constant struggle. I don't use hard porn but certainly images of fit women and workout videos. Regardless, it does the same thing. Desensitizing to real life. Yes, best to stay away from external imagery and of course ejaculation. Interesting that you find imagining is harmful too, but probably not as much. Great stuff.

Day 22 is fantastic, good

Day 22 is fantastic, good job :)
My situation is similar to you're own, i.e escalating to shemale porn, I'm on day 3 right now.

So do the thoughts decrease in arousal the more days you abstain?

My record was 11 days and I noticed a decrease in arousal from shemale porn and more arousal from
strait porn, although to be fair I can still watch strait porn, but only 1-2 a day, then to orgasm further I
have to advance onto the shemale porn, I just want to clear the addiction out and lose this constant
"sex state" my mind is in.

Good luck :)

TOTAl COLLAPSE

Hey,
It's me, I have been slipping for days and days until today. I slipped today too. I feel like I want to die. I don't recognize me anymore. I am affraid I am attracted to guys, and I cry alot. Porn is really turning me gay, I really have to stop it. I am totally lost and despaired. I need to restart over. I think constantly about this, I cannot think about anything else. I had suicidal thoughts last week, but my antidepressants help. I am not what I am right now, and I don't undersand. I need to stay sober for 3 months.

When I first started slipping, I realized I was again attracted to straight porn, it went like this for 1 week then I need something more extreme, you know the rest.
It's so hard. This is the worst part of my life. I will start listening to the hypnosis again and post everyday on the forum.

Please help me
Day 1 tomorrow

Sorry you're having trouble,

but relapses seem to be part of the learning curve around here.

The one thing that really confuses me is why you would worry about being gay. If you only move back to the anxiety-producing she-male stuff after you've been overstimulating yourself with straight porn, it should be really evident that you're not using it because you're gay. If you were gay, you'd START with the gay porn. smiley

See my point? Your brain is looking for stronger stuff, not what typically arouses you. It wants something that upsets you - because the distress heightens the "kick."

This is why you have to get away from all porn. It is all too extreme, at least for your brain. It's registering as "highly valuable" and your brain is therefore depressing your dopamine response afterward, to make you more desperate to get more of this "valuable" experience.

When there was no Internet, your ancestors would have run out of options. But now....with the Internet...your brain's temporary numbness to pleasure can push you farther and farther - until you're caught in an escalating loop.

I'm sure the same thing is happening with child porn and all sorts of other anxiety-producing porn. And all because porn itself is too extreme for our brains in the first place.

Not sure if you read this recent article, but if you haven't, do so. The science behind this mechanism is getting clearer and clearer. "Has Evolution Trained Our Brains to Gorge on Food and Sex?" http://www.reuniting.info/has_evolution_trained_our_brains_to_gorge_on_f...

Once you get clear that your problem isn't she-male porn, it's the straight porn that you start with, smiley I think you'll feel better about yourself, and have a better handle on how to turn this around.

*big hug*

Thanks

And if i was gay, the first porn that would have arroused me would have been gay porn and I have been watching straight porn for 4 years until the gay chatroom incident.

Thanks for cheering me up, I'm on the right way again

Small steps

Just keep moving forward. Don't let despair make you give up. No matter how many times you slip up, get back up and let that limbic brain know you'll never give up, never give in.

The only time you've actually given in fully is when you give up. I've done that too frequently in my life. Don't wait like me till you're nearly 50 to figure this out. If you keep at it, by my age you'll be a sex guru. :D

be patient with your self

Hey getting_my_life_back,

Remember how hard a habit is to break. That can be nail biting, smoking or watching porn. This site does one heck of a job explaining the mammalian brain and everything that goes with that, I have learned a ton since I arrived. Be patient with yourself, it took you a long time to create the habit.
Children don't just one day think "Oh I am gonna walk now..." No, they by rolling over, then start crawling, walking holding on and finally one day their brains have internalized all they need to know to let go, move the feet and keep balance at the same time. If you ever watched a child's first steps, you may even see the surprise at their own courage. That is normally the time they fall or plop down. They got their conscious mind involved, doubted them selves, and down they went. Maybe that was your reaction looking at your success.

So if you know what triggered that first viewing, use that as a guide. I am sure you have routines and schedules to follow... Change them up. If you tended to watch at night find something to do that will keep you busy at nights, preferably away from the environment that triggers you.
I had a friend who wanted to spend money when she had her credit cards around. Some one told her to freeze the account, which was not practical, because she had auto-withdrawal on her utilities and phone, etc. But what she did was to freeze the credit card. She took a large Tupperware container filled it half full, froze it then laid the cards on the ice and filled it up with water, resulting in a gallon sized ice cube with credit cards in the middle. Her rule was that it had to melt naturally for any kind of spending, and by the time it had melted even partially she normally had reconsidered her urge to buy. She returned it to the container, added more water to keep the cube as big as possible, and was content that not only had she not spent the money but she had also overcome the urge.
Now I am wondering if you can add some form of "Ice cube "( literally or figuratively ) to your computer? If you can remove it to a public area, or if you really do not need it, freeze the plug? A gallon of ice takes a long time to melt...lol How about one of the parental control programs with a password of random numbers that you can then freeze in a plastic bag inside an envelope ( just so you don't try to peak thru the ice. smiley That way you could of course still access the internet and in case of a need to access admin on the computer you would have the password.

Wow I better stop. It is getting late. Onward, you are already on Day 2, keep going it gets easier...

Regards,
NP

Common symptom

I have noticed the gay thoughts (bathroom sex symdrome) to be a common theme during our attempts to restore balance. Marnia explains things very clearly above and I believe that the brain's desire for the dopamine rush is the PRIMARY culprit. However, I think there are other things going on here too. It isn't just dopamine levels that change when we are artificially changing our ejaculation habits. Perhaps there are some other rebalancing urges going on in the brain and body too. Sometimes I swear this particular need to rebalance SOMETHING is so strong that there are urges that are even stronger than the desire to orgasm. When I hit the 3 week mark during a fresh cycle I have this urge where receiving semen becomes almost NON-sexual and feels like more of a nutritional or dietary urge and does not get paired with a desire for orgasm.

As for being gay--and I doubt many of us experiencing these symptoms are--I think better signals of that would be a desire for custom made curtains and a need for regular pedicures. I am just kidding here, of course. My point is in support of what others said. If you were really gay, you'd always have gay thoughts not just during your addiction cycle.

Thanks alot for your reply

support is nice, thanks, I am in some kind of fog right now. I think I am getting better and knowing about experiences of others helps alot.
I am on the 7th day today, i think less about porn and just started again to exercise more than my usual jogging. It helps too. I think less about porn when my girlfriend is around.

I am getting better.

seeya tomorrow

8th day

Hey,
I am on 8th day
I have been with my girkfriend lately and I have been unabke to achieve to a strong erection, I noticed soft erections and semi to semi hard erections. I hope it gets better soon.
I assume it is linked with porn and my antidepressants I have also had lately, a lot of testicular pain in my right testicle. I don't know if it is still blue balls. Ah and I am really anxious, I try to work on it, hocd in my case is now high.

Anyway have a nice day!
Hope to talk to you soon!

Thanks alot Marnia

Yeah, exercise helps alot, reducing stress too, also, I have been drinking a lot of alcool recently (in parties and all) I think Stopping for some time would be a good thing. And since that it is now summer ill get some more sleep and less stress. Wich is good for my erection problem. And yes, I am doing more exercise because of my job, (2h of bicycle everyday)
the arcticle helps alot. Thank you

have a nice day!

11th day

Hey!
So this is the 11th day,
I think I'm on the right tracks again I will get to my goal!
I can't wait to see improvements, I have been slipping alot before I started abstinence again, so I don't know how much time it will take. I try to practice bonding behaviors with my girlfriend when I see her. I bet I'll start seeing improvements at the 15th day or so. Anyway, I'll win the fight this time :), I can't evade the abstinence so I'll do it.

Have a nice day

14th day

Hey
today was the 14th day, I'm really pissed off, I see no improvements yet, I have a lot of difficulty to have erections with my girlfriend and like two minutes ago I had a gay thought and it semi arroused me. I almost panicked.

I wanna be myself again and be arroused by women again, i hate porn, i hate what i have become.
Anyway ill keep up the abstinence, it will work. I assume i just habe to be patient.

Seeya!

Edit: 1 hour later I sipped I havent stopped crying since tgat moment, I have to start all over, I don't know If Ill be able to survive to this, this is the end of my life, I am not myself anymore, someone else is, I have never been gay, I dont understand, why am I not attracted to women anymore, Im a jerk, im so stupud to have slippe again, what will I do for christ's sake. I considered suicide sometimes, and I take antidepressants. I wanna be myself again. Have a familly a wife and kids. I dont wanna be what I'm not, please help.

I am desperate , i hate myself

Please don't despair

Thank you for sharing your feelings and for reaching out.
Your frustration and pain are heart wrenching.

Please try not to despair. To an outsider, it looks to me like you are making tremendous progress.

I often use the analogy of a toolbox to understand the addiction and recovery process. As an addict, I have a very limited set of tools to deal with life and because of that, often wind up in situations where I am overwhelmed by life because I don't have the proper tools to deal with life on life's terms.

Because I was given such limited tools, I made some of my own (my addiction) but that tool had very serious limitations as well. It's not a particularly good tool at all, but it feels good and comfortable because it is the tool I'm the most used to using. Imagine having a hammer that you use all the time, it feels comfortable in your hand and you know it's weight. For some jobs that hammer may work well, but imagine trying to change a window with a hammer, it doesn't work real well.

In the recovery process, I learned to use new tools. Imagine picking up a putty knife for the first time, having never held one before. What do you do with it? It feels awkward and clumsy to use it.

I often found during early recovery that in my frustration at trying to learn to use new tools, I would revert back to the ones that were tried and true. I'd go back and pick up that hammer and sure enough smash the window, then having smashed the window I'd turn the hammer on myself and knock myself in the head a few times for good measure. Nothing like beating myself up after a slip to ensure that I've gotten full use out of my hammer!

For me, having a support group was very important. Learning to be patient with myself and not beat myself up was also very important. It took me a long time to learn these things, but it was very worth it because even though I still screw up, it happens far less often and my life has become much richer with the tools I have learned to use.

I hope you will hang in there and keep trying! Good luck!

wow im really sorry to here

wow im really sorry to here that your feeling so down about this. I wish i could give you some meaningful advice but i haven't been in your shoes. All i can say is that this will pass. please don't think about suicide. There's a reason why you are here and when you overcome this your gonna be at the top of the mountain. it really inspires me every time you get up, dust off ur shoulder and keep on going....i have my moments, but the decision you've made/the path u have chosen, to overcome this struggle is truly admirable. have you ever seen the movie karate kid 2010? i just saw it yesturday. it really had me teary, most especially because of how many times the kid gets knocked down, knocked out, but just refuses to stay down. It made me think of myself and alot of the members on this sight, most definitely yourself included. I hope you feel better very soon. I know that you wont give up. Take care of yourself

D

Hmmm...

As long as you're on the drugs, don't expect things to work perfectly, OK? Just give yourself time.

Remember...a thought that causes anxiety is more "exciting" than a "normal" thought, so it stands to reason that your brain will prompt you to have anxiety-producing thoughts.

See if you can make it a good 60 days without using those mental triggers to orgasm. No porn, no porn-inspired fantasy. If you want to masturbate on the schedule of your choice, focus on the sensual feelings - with no images. If you just made it two weeks...why not try a two-week schedule for masturbation? You're quite young, you know. smiley

Please avoid orgasm to "super-stimulating" images - of any genre. They are the riskiest.

You're going to be okay. *big hug*

Let the OCD

run its course here. You know these are your inner voice thoughts. Concerns that may have somewhere a smidgen of truth to them, but are way overblown.

The key will be to relax and not worry about it. As long as your mind is saying to you, "This is forbidden, I do not want to be excited by this," and likewise, "I really want to be excited by this, please, please, please!" you'll have a tendency to produce the opposite effect.

It is normal to be excited by sexual images, and the ones we either know we can't have, or don't want to have, can stimulate us even more, while the ones we feel are "normal" will tend to not seem as exciting.

And then you have your meds that are affecting you as well. So not only is the goal to avoid orgasm for a few weeks, but to avoid fretting over these things. I know it can be hard to do, especially for OCD types. I wish I had some magic pills to help with that. :)

Since you've just crashed, mind if I offer up a suggested experiment? You know you can go a week at a time without orgasm. You've done it several times now. How about if you allowed yourself one orgasm on the weekends for the next several weeks, say at least till the end of July. Don't use any porn. But keep them about seven days apart, when you will be most sensitive to feelings and such. Have one a week guilt free. Then hold off the rest of the time. See what that might do for your perspective.

But don't sweat it, if at all possible. In some strange way, the fact that homosexual porn excites you so much while straight doesn't, probably means you aren't homosexual, simply because straight is "normal" for you and thus doesn't excite you as much, in part due to the more extreme images that do, the forbidden fruit.

We're with you. You can beat this.

Thanks for all the comments and advices

I'm ready to fight again, thank you alot, you really can cheer me up, would have not gone that far without you, I can't masterbate to anything, I am so far in the addiction that I now need absolutely porn to masterbate and I want to keep the idea of porn away. I wont masterbate, I cant fail. I must get it this time, I am at 3rd day, i will win,

have a nice day

i will write more soon, i have no more batteries on my ipod, seeya tomorow

It must be very hard to accept

that your body doesn't *need* to ejaculate for an extended period (especially when you're feeling sexual tension), but if you can "wrap your head around that one" (as we say in the States), you will find it easier to succeed, I think.

Horniness is often a function of stress and anxiety...for everyone. But it's very hard to recognize it...especially when a temporary "cure" lies right at your finger tips. smiley

Keep going.

*hugs*

What about

Cole's suggestion of an actual schedule for masturbation (no porn)? There has to be a key that will unlock your progress. smiley

*big hug*

Once a week deal

Marnia wrote:

Cole's suggestion of an actual schedule for masturbation (no porn)? There has to be a key that will unlock your progress. smiley

*big hug*

Just to explain, my suggestion was to help take the "I must not do it!" out of the picture. And to help you develop some actual control via training, like a dog: You can do it here, but not here. I get the impression that you are focusing too much on not doing it, when where your brain needs to be is on enjoying the ability to control things. Once you've developed that level of control (only once a week), that gives you a bone to throw to your limbic brain (it will come, be patient, we'll do it Saturday), but also gives you the control over it so at some point you can also say, "Nope, we're going to hold off a week more this time."

I started very small like this back in February. First I said I would not masturbate in the mornings before going to work, in part because that was a trigger time that I usually did it. I successfully did that, convincing my body to wait later in the day to have its fix.

Then after a couple of weeks of that, I started abstaining on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week for about three weeks. Successfully, I convinced my body that it could wait until the next day (or at least till midnight if I were desperate) before I would let it have an orgasm. After successfully establishing that pattern, then I went a whole week without, successfully. I took a break at that point and had an all outer for three weeks, then returned to none on Mon, Wed., and Fri. again for a couple of weeks, then a whole week again of not doing it, then went back to a couple of weeks of regular orgasms.

That brought me to June where I intended to abstain for a month. I didn't quite make it, slipping a couple of times, then ending it early because my wife was desperate for me, not having had sex with me for almost a whole month. Yet, I had only four total orgams that month, compared with my usual 30+. That's a huge reduction.

I know your goal is to go past two weeks long enough to get some sense of balance and see if it helps with your situation. But it may be that you need to establish some control, train your body first. I don't know, just a suggestion. You'll have to evaluate whether it is right for you or not. If you could do the once a week successfully for a few weeks, however, I bet you'd feel more confident to go longer.

A new member looking for a solution

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. To begin, I wanted to say that I stumbled upon this site a few months ago for the same reason, (I'm assuming) you are all here for. That being, a recovery from this plague called masturbation. I'm the type of person that doesn't really open up to anyone. I keep emotions bottled up inside and I have a hard time making friends, even though I am a really friendly person. Anyways, I first discovered masturbation when I was around 15 or 16. At first it seemed harmless, natural and amazing. Now after 8 years of suffering, I find myself fighting with demons inside me. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe that there are demons inside my head/heart. Over the past years, I've had 1 girlfriend but broke up due to personal reasons. I don't really have any friends, aside from family and work colleagues. I don't go out to meet people or women and I have a hard time coping with myself especially now, as I try to find a new career. I find myself struggling with masturbation in times of emptiness, boredom and alone time. Even if I were doing homework, playing guitar or reading an interesting article online, somewhere, somehow something in my mind tells me to put everything aside to watch porn and masturbate to it. Shortly after, I begin to feel regret, hate, shame and this ongoing problem goes on for days. I'll find it hard to look at myself in the mirror, or even try to conversate with someone. Lately, I've switched over from Lesbian porn to Shemale porn, and while masturbating I will get intense headaches. It is controlling my mind and life and the longer I stop the harder the relapse. I don't see doctors oftenly, nor do I find the need to see one. I excersise every other day. I eat semi-healthy foods, and my body is in good shape. I am hoping my involvement in this forum will somehow help me to rebuild a disease free life. I am glad there are people out there that understand my situation and I hope that we can help each other get past this bumpy road. Thank you,

Welcome

I hope you can let go of the shame feelings, as they generally make addiction tougher to overcome. Quite honestly, your brain evolved to be VERY vulnerable to intensely erotic cues. (That's why your ancestors produced you!) And today's hyperstimulating Internet porn is brimming with such cues. It's too much stimulation for many brains, and it can easily lead to escalation to stronger material...for the reasons explained in this video: http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

As for the transsexual porn...that's not unusual. And it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your sexual orientation. See "‘Straight Men, Gay Porn’ and Other Brain Map Mysteries" http://yourbrainonporn.com/straight-men-gay-porn-and-other-brain-map-mys...

In other words, I wouldn't blame the poor demons. smiley Just realize your biology and today's technology are a bad combo.

Start a blog if you like. That way you can track your progress and we can all help you. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers

*big hug*

PS - No names on the forum please. So I took out yours, just in case it was your real name. smiley