Week 2

Thanks Crow, I find a lot of inspiration from the success here.

Getting out of my comfort zone lately. It feels good, but Im getting that feeling I used to get on my way to school each day- the anxiety and anticipation. I have been isolating lately, not really by choice, but because of the withdrawals and my at home job search online, and just taking care of errands. Lots of solo non-interactive stuff I have to do.

Ive got a job interview in a little while and one next week. Im scared of success. I have always taken low-end jobs because I knew I could get them, they werent competitive, and I didnt have much responsibility. Ive been trapped in that cycle for a long time with work, but these jobs are so miserable, I just cant handle it anymore. They arent miserable because of the labor involved, but because of the mindset surrounding the jobs and the co-workers. I havent worked in one restaurant where the owner or manager wasnt an alcoholic. I always seem to end up at these jobs with the "dysfunctional family" vibe. There is usually a lot of addiction among the workers as well. I dont even know how our society functions like this if this is the norm. Im just crossing my fingers that I can attract a job that is more in line with my ambitions. The interviews I have set up seem to be decent. I think that I feel that I dont deserve better or something, or that I am worthless. Its been a pretty deep issue in regards to my work life. Im going to really try to break out of this along with all of the other garbage thinking that I am trying to break out of. I guess its the same thing Ive been struggling with in the dating world.

I havent really been trying to date, actually, Ive been trying NOT to date because Ive got so much responsibility and stuff on my mind with finances. However, I keep finding opportunities and they are hard to pass. Im really trying to put my work and life first though right now, i dont have much of a choice. There are a couple of women Ive met over the months that Ive been keeping contact with on facebook and they seem to want to meet up. I just feel that anxiety and fear again, plus the shame feels like its been lingering lately. I know a lot of my fear is coming from isolation and its hard to even think about dating when you feel like youve been run over by a truck some days. I know I will feel better in a few days.

Time to go look people in the eye and nod in agreement.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

No, I might not be going back home. Im super broke and I need to secure a place to live for next semester. Not much of a choice. I need to work right now.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Up and down, my mood gets this way around this time. The rage, the feelings, the depression, the urges. Its like an emotion soup. Ive been sleeping a little better, but my sleep is still disturbed. Im on the right track with getting to bed on time for the most part. Ive been getting pretty tired in the later part of the afternoon/night the past few nights. Its like I hit a wall. It seems like its starting to get a little better. I managed to stay active and busy all day today and Im just starting to feel it now after 7. My motivation has been a little better too. I did binge a little on sugar today, so I am going to stay vigilant on not letting it affect my sobriety. My last relapse came off the heels of a sugar binge. If it becomes an issue, Ill try to remember that its just the chemicals and just whiteknuckle it.

It has been a kind of strange couple of days for the dating situations. It seems like it could mess with me and this would have definitely sent me into a relapse in the past, but I think I will be okay. Rejection or perceived rejection has always been challenging for my recovery. I had been talking to some girls I knew around town and kept in touch with them on facebook, they have been contacting me and it seemed like they wanted to meet up, I mean, they kept contacting me asking me what I was doing, etc. , so I told them that we should hang out, leave me your number. So... I dont hear back from them. Okay, a little weird, but Im not going to let it mess with me because I have had a lot on my plate with other things, plus I am not much in the mood for playing games, Im busy. So, that was two different girls, whatever, Im not going to waste my time with them. Ill just take them off my friends list if I dont hear from them. Its pretty obvious and simple. But then this other girl from one of my classes texted me today out of the blue to ask me how my summer was going, we texted for a bit and at the end I made a simple and light suggestion that we should meet up this week and go do something. No response, ok, thats fine too, but it seemed like she wanted to catch up, wouldnt that seem like the natural progression from checking up with someone? Again, not a big deal. Maybe Im being too subtley needy and Im not aware of it, Im not sure. I dont feel like m (ha, Im writing this and she JUST texted me telling me that she was sorry, her phone died,) geez, my head... Anyways, ok maybe the facebook girl's computers died. Ok, was making me think, but I didnt get sucked into it emotionally. Maybe in my thinking, but it didnt cross the rejection feeling line. It sure wanted to. I was writing to be extra vigilant about not going into that whirlwind. Still trying to buffer those kinds of thoughts.

But I went on a date today with this girl, and I'm just done with her. We've gone out like 4 times now and she is more closed than I can deal with. The sad part is, is that she seem like she is trying to be more fun and open, but she just comes off in the wrong way too much. It will go from her seeming like she wants me close to not at all. She would get a little close or it seemed like she wanted me to touch her and then later it seemed the opposite. If I just lightly touched her arm to show her something, she would jump. It was barely flirtatious at all. How can I even start any bonding behaviors with someone that is so closed. I mean we were hanging out, and there is some attraction and chemistry, but Im not going to spend any more time with her. She would pull away every time I got even a little close. I kind of told her to "enjoy her summer", which I meant as a kind of goodbye. I probably could have been more explicit, but I'm still not very good at ending things. Maybe I was expecting too much to expect affection from her that soon, maybe my old love and sex addict was in control. I'm not sure. WWSD? What Would Sooty Do?

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I can attract them, but I dont know what to do with them. Sooty tells me one thing and you tell me another. Sooty also says that you were sent here to destroy fun on planet earth. He has a pretty good point. I told him to try cuddling a mate sometimes, and he just looked at me like I had lost my mind. Then he looked at me clear in the eye and said: If my parents cuddled, do you think that I and all of my brothers would exist? I didnt have an answer for him, but I suppose that "Sooty" would exist in a different form, but I think both me and Sooty would be unsatisfied with that answer.

Yes, she's scared, but Im done initiating everything with her. If she wants to hang out, she knows where I am. Ive been pretty clear that Ive wanted to hang out with her. Im not going to do this dance with her, someone else would be much more willing and interactive. She's TOO slow, Im a real fast guy.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Been pretty tired the last few days. Feeling the withdrawals for sure. I get these mono feelings, these have been pretty active. Then the emotional stuff has been fun too. A little of the emotional rawness. Overall, Ive been staying busy and active, but I am also just very tired too. Im going to get out today and not isolate, at least be around in public.

Had a lot of weird sexual dreams last night. I came close to a nocturnal emission, but it seems like Im getting more in the habit of remembering my sobriety while dreaming and it prevents it from happening.

I havent really had a lot of confidence in the past few days, in fact, its seemed like Im at a lull. Im trying to get my sleeping habits back in line and I think its making me tired during the day too. I have been feeling weak in general lately, but Ive been sticking to some good habits. Im trying to heal my shame by taking care of things and getting my life back in order. Forming new habits is always hard at first, but Ive never regretted it. You cannot wait for opportunities, or wait until you feel motivated enough, you have to make things happen sometimes, nothing could be more true for recovery because you have so much resistance from your old habits that need to be broken.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Very true Marnia. Its those times that matter the most, not when we "get the urge". That urge to tackle a duty could be a form of escape or procrastination as well. Your real will is present when you are doing what you need to do, when you need to, based on your reasoned intuition. How many times have I cleaned my room when I have a paper due? A willful life is a life of reasoned action.

I knew that I would have the urges today. I was expecting it because 1- Im still in withdrawals (11 days) and 2- I binged on sugar yesterday. The last time I had this combination, I had the urges and I gave into them. Interestingly, my urges were aligned to my dream content and came up with a lot of force. One thought strengthened the other and before I knew it, I was whiteknuckling, plus I am just particularly tired. The urges were very strong, but they were short and pretty much went away, but Im not going to downplay the dangers today. I will stay vigilant because I am still vulnerable.

I cant believe that I have lived in this town for a whole year and I havent hardly walked around. I have really been in my head and did not allow myself to go explore. I walked downtown today and was shocked at the amount of things down there that I have never seen. There were art shops and book stores. I couldnt believe it. Some of the best art Ive ever seen, right under my nose. I walked through my neighborhood and saw historical sites and animals. I couldnt believe that I had not done this. I have been depressed for sure. I was hoping to meet some people, I kind of forced myself to get out just to get out of my room and isolation. I talked to one shop owner who seemed like he wanted to talk, but I wasnt really feeling a connection either. I felt socially awkward today for sure. It definitely feels like a low point with my mood lately. I feel the rawness, grossness, toxicity right now. But I know its a dip and I was expecting it.

I asked a girl if she wanted to hang out, so I think we are going to watch a basketball game today. I didnt call her to try to get close to her or anything, no romance feelings really with her. She is interested in an older dude with a wife, we were flirting the other night, but Im too tired to deal with all of that right now. I am feeling exhausted today. If she comes on to me, I will play like a dead animal and if something happens, it wasnt my fault... and Ill still be at 11 days.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I choked tonight. I was with the girl and she said something about going back to her house and I crammed up and blew the vibe! Im not even a good Sooty! Good god, I did the dead animal thing and yep, Im still at 11 days. I meant I would not resist, but apparently I am expected to take some initiative, or at least not blow the vibe. But I was tired tonight and felt pretty socially awkward and raw the whole night anyways. Her boyfriend kept calling and checking up on her and it made her increasingly flirtatious. I think Im going to just hit on her like Sooty and see where the chips fall, if it blows up, then I dont have to deal with it anymore! Wait, yes I will, I have a class with her next semester.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

It feels like a lot of my tiredness has to do with getting on a healthy sleep schedule for the first time in a while. Without the stress and anxiety of school keeping me up all night, Im managing to get to sleep earlier and wake up earlier. There's probably some adjustment. Ive just been exhausted for the most part and cloudy-headed in general. Im doing more "good things" for myself in general like getting out and trying to be social, getting outside, going hiking, doing things for future career and looking for work. I feel somewhat productive and Im not sitting in my room all day watching TV or browsing the web randomly. I just want to "break through" these physical and mental feelings that are keeping me drained all of the time. I want that energy, confidence and zest for life and it hasnt been around too much lately. Even when I am out on a hike, it feels like my vision is narrow, like I have blinders or filters on. I feel like my world is so small when I feel like this. I really feel like its the mental withdrawal symptoms of depression. Overall, I feel like my life is better, I mean, Im more functional and emotionally and socially responsive, my thinking in school has shown an improvement, Im not spiraling out of control, but it feels like the years of being so out of it has left a gaping hole in my mind. Its a pretty radical shift in my personal paradigms on many fronts and Im not sure If Ive started to really adjust yet.

I have another job interview today and I want this job because its more in my field. I hope I can put on a coherent face. Im excited about a different job too because, even though its not in my field, it involves sales and interacting with people face to face, which would be good for me and getting out of my isolation.

I had plans to later meet up with the girl I went out with last night, maybe I shouldnt drink with her, it seems like she is open to things happening between us, even though she has a boyfriend. I dont want to really be involved with her because we are in the same department and it will make things complicated, but Sooty tells me that "its probably a good idea, I just dont know it yet, and if the opportunity arises, do it". I might be listening to Sooty if she wasnt in my department, but I dont want to have to sit in class with her all next semester with the feeling of "woops". Plus, we had gone out a few times last semester and she gave me a headache with all of her shit testing. Im definitely not interested in anything more than being physical with her and someone to hang around with. I wouldnt want her for a partner, she doesnt do it for me in that way. So, if drinking makes me make bad decisions, then I shouldnt drink with her, because last night it seemed like a good idea to get involved. She wants to go hiking today, that might be safe, but she's tricky, maybe Ill be a real bad boy and not call her.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I am kind of liking the pressure and excitement of getting out of my comfort zone. Im realizing more and more that isolation is holding me back. There is so much to do outside, so many experiences, and there is no way to be happy staying isolated in my room on the computer.

I went on an interview and it seemed like they liked me. It was an intense social experience because it was 3 bosses asking me questions and testing me on the spot. I was nervous, but I was able to manage. No real downward spirals or freeze ups. It was a good experience all around even if I do not get the job. After getting out of my comfort zone, I felt better. I need to keep doing these things.

I went on a hike with the girl. I keep going back and forth with thinking about pouncing her. Im not that attracted to her, but she is giving me signals that I should try something. Its hard to turn down an opportunity because my scarcity mentality has leaned towards taking any opportunity for sex, even if its bad or not ideal. Ill be pretty resolved in not wanting to do anything, then she will say or do something that attracts me and Im left with that feeling. She wants to hang out a lot and go camping this weekend. On the one hand, its great to have some company, but I really do not want a female friend right now. Plus, it feels more like a couple thing than it does like "friends". We are definitely responding to each other as sexual creatures and there is attraction and tension. She also seems like she is mad at her boyfriend for being married so she is all over the place in her head. Sooty is trying to tell me ways that I can introduce my penis into the whole situation. Just looking at the situation, it seems like that would solve everything, both her problems AND mine.

Then, my energy level is so low right now that I can hardly stay awake a lot of the times. I fear a medical condition or something, but my symptoms are going to be diagnosed as depression, if the doctor is even that perceptive. Ive felt this way before, it seems pretty consistent with the POIS, so Ill give it another week to see where my head is at.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I slept a lot last night. I have been very tired recently. My head feels a little clearer today, but still feeling tired and foggy in general. I need to be coherent and active right now too. I guess there is no convenient time for any of these feelings.

Right now, Im not really motivated to pursue women or orgasm. I am feeling stressed with other concerns and just maintaining myself. I recognize this from other times being without orgasm for a while. Its not that there is a disinterest in the opposite sex, but I am feeling less dependent on the thoughts and feelings of a woman to feel good. I feel less needy in general and there is a good amount of freedom in that.

Shame hasnt been much of an issue in the past few days. I am still feeling pretty good about getting through the semester and am not nurturing my shame by remaining lazy during my job search. I have been active and productive lately, my only real obstacle right now, ironically, is my energy level.

Clearer days ahead.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I havent been able to get going today. Woke up feeling heavy and tired and its stayed that way all day. When I do start to get a little energy, it feels like I start feeling the depression and anxiety. It feels like a real valley in my energy levels and thinking. My thoughts are cloudy and heavy for the most part, but I will get a few brief moments of clarity.

I want sugar too. I was craving sweets earlier, but I was able to stick with fruit. One binge puts me in danger of another. Im trying not to be too strict with this, but I know that a binge of any kind will put me in danger.

I want to have energy right now so I can get some work done. Its amazing how this addiction tries to keep you roped in by "hook or crook". Its easy for me to slip back into a relapse because I want to medicate these feelings and the residual effects of not feeling productive. Shame creeps up at those times too and you want to beat yourself up for not being productive. Its difficult to be productive at this time. I wanted to go running today, to get stuff on my list done, but I felt exhausted. I probably should try to push through this more and wait for the conditions to clear less, it just feels very heavy. I think I am going to go running in a little while to try to clear out these cobwebs anyways. I cant think of any other solution to this stuff. I feel floored and drained, but I dont know what else to do, this thing is nasty.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Withdrawals are tough. I feel like Im starting to feel better, but I feel like Im in the habit of being inert since Ive been floored for the past couple of days. This withdrawal period has been brutal physically.

I woke up with less fog this morning. Im going to try to keep at my job search and doing stuff on my list and try to stay positive. Im sensitive to rejection right now, but I also know that this sensitivity is temporary. Im certain that I will feel better soon, it seems like I do between 2 and 3 weeks. I am just going to keep trying to stay active and focused to get through this next week. I do have cravings come and go, but the pain this week will likely act as a deterrent.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Feeling better now, but now that I have energy, I have energy for cravings. At least my appetite is healthy. Im just going to have to whiteknuckle through this. Ive been trying to divert my attention to productive and goal-oriented actions related to school and work. Such a weird thing. I need to give it a few more days to go over, but I cant let my guard down yet.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato