I'm not sure if you're still checking this forum or not, but this is a really huge and important topic that you bring up.
Perhaps no-one has replied to your question because the point of this website seems to be to focus on not having orgasms, rather than figuring out how to have them.
Still, I find your question totally valid. In my own journey, not being able to have orgasms from penetration was very frusterating. Since I can now have them, I am able to make the choice not to, but my general orgasmic ability makes sex extremely pleasurable even if I don't go all the way, and I prefer to have the choice.
I consider the fact that many women are unable to have vaginal orgasms a huge problem, one that speaks very clearly of our culture's legacy of female circumcision in the metaphorical sense.
In my own journey, I observed the following stages in my growth to being vaginally orgasmic:
1) anger, frusteration, and sadness
2) years of research with unsucessful results
3) expression of my anger to my lover and god
in an undestructive but direct way
4) finding a pace and position while having sex that hit me in the right spots
5) abandoning my identity of myself as someone who was unable to have a vaginal orgasm and embracing a new way of seeing myself
The journey continues:
6) taking good care of myself physically and emotionally - this means pure food, exercise, spiritual practice, and generally doing things that are invigorating and energizing
7) only being with lovers who i have real chemistry with and genuinely enjoy GRADUALLY strengthening the pelvic muscles through balanced expansion and contraction of muscles (not just contraction)
9) practice of meditation and sexual techniques outlined in mantak chia's books (ovarian breathing and compression)
10) finding a non-hormonal partner-based form of birth control that allowed me to stop bringing fear of pregnancy into my experience of sex (this is another topic altogether, but HUGE in allowing women to let go in sex)
11) taking full responsibility for my own sexual experiences. This includes: examining my attitude towards my body, learning to love it and be comfortable in it and learning to share it; never having a limited view of what i am potentially capable of experiencing in sex; learning to love giving and learning to love receiving; fully accepting where i am at on my journey as perfect for my growth.
While a lot of this is psychological, not all of it is, so don't beat yourself up psycologicall for not being able to have orgasms in sex, since a lot of it is technical. Everyone's body is totally different, so I can only share what works with me:
1) make sure the chemistry is really there. how much you enjoy kissing your partner is a good indicator
2) make sure you're wet before you go to penetration (kissing, licking the lovely penis, and having my nipples sucked works best for me)
3) push your abdominal muscles down when he enters you, so that any air is expelled and the vacuum creates a very tight fit.
4) have the guy start out slow and sweet, with a consistent rhythm
5) examine your feelings towards him. if you are closed off somewhere, ask yourself if you can fully accept him and do so; otherwise, you should probably not be having sex with him
6) find the spots that turn you on; the more you look, the more you'll find. The opening can be very sensitive, the hammock like muscles on the backside of the vaginal wall that grip the penis upwards are very sensitive, and gentle consistent tender touch near the cervix can be lovely; any of these spots are enhanced if the man's pelvis rubs against your clitoris or if you touch yourself during sex.
7) once you've had a few orgasms through penetration and you know you are capable of it, try getting to that space right before orgasm and relaxing into it, staying in that highly charged space, dispelling the charge through sound, deep breathing, and meditation with your partner. swim and have fun without orgasm! broaden your idea of what a peak sexual experience is. know that having orgasms is your birthright and that the energy already exists there, its just a matter of attuning to and tapping into that which you most essentially are - an ecstatic being. like enlightenment, there is nothing to "reach" except our deepest understanding of who we already are. There is no place to go - its all there, available to us in our openness!
For many women the path to moving beyond orgasm lies through releasing whatever has blocked their sexuality in the past. Only then are they feeling generous enough to nourish a partner with an open heart. Incidentally, it is their openness that most assists their partners in gaining control, too.
Personally, I find it sad that society - and even sincerely well-intentioned advisors - make women feel that there is something wrong if they don't easily orgasm during sex. Perhaps some deep part of them (never validated) recognizes that there is a higher form of pleasure and wisely avoids this "short circuit." Nevertheless, each person's path is her own, and my personal path was to become very orgasmic during intercourse...before realizing that it was carrying me away from my heart's goal of sustainable relationships.
It seems that the more one's heart opens, the more one values harmony with a lover. At that point, the recognition that pursuit of our "birthright of orgasm" often creates emotional distance (perhaps not immediately, but over the two weeks following) makes it possible to move beyond this pursuit. Also, when both partners conserve the energy, no one feels the frustration of being "left out," so passing up orgasm is not a big source of loneliness and frustration.
I suspect that gentle, non-performance-oriented Exchanges, of the type recommended at this site, would best help women get their hearts open. I'm not sure that becoming very orgasmic helps at all with that goal.
While each person's path is her own, I think it's important to make public the concept that orgasm may NOT be the ultimate solution to every woman's problems. It may simply be a bus stop on the way to a larger goal. Penetrational orgasm may not be a required stop for everyone, and women should be made more aware of other possible routes and goals.
I agree with all that you say, Marnia. I certainly don't want to reinforce the notion that there is one ideal way to respond sexually to a man. I'm aware there are many women who do not have vaginal orgasms or orgasms at all who are still very erotic people who enjoy sex. I commend them for being able to get over society's pressure to perform, and have healthy and gratifying sexual experineces despite this (or, as you say, perhaps because of this).
However, my experience in speaking with girlfriends over the years (and I talk about sex with almost everyone i know well) is that this inability can be a source of extremely deep pain. And, since I know it can be overcome, I find it important to share my journey with women who know that they want to have that capacity. To those who don't, power to them! I know I'm certainly glad I was dogged about being able to have that ability, because it showed me that I can take responsibility for manifesting what i feel is important in my life.
Some of the ambition of wanting to be orgasmic probably has something to do with the prestige of being perceived as someone with sexual prowess, and I don't think this is by any means the highest attitude to bring to our approach of sex; nevertheless it is real.
As you mentioned, each woman has her journey, and I'm happy that I started out not being able to have orgasms, then came to have them, and now am choosing not to. I certainly don't think having an orgasm is the be-all and end-all; it's a culmination of a broader sensibility, and that sensibility, or enjoyment of orgasmic energy, is extremely energizing whether I choose to reach the full climax or not.
Thank you also for the article link - it was fascinating. My experience is that multiple orgasms are draining but fun once in awhile.
FYI I've been ejaculating without reaching orgasm quite easily. The two are definately not the same. I'll let you know if I notice any depletion (note: I have been taking maca powder for the past few weeks to balance my hormone levels and regulate my periods; maca root is known to increase sexual desire and potency, something I don't feel I really need; however, if I can channel this energy in creative directions in my life instead of externalizing everything onto a mate, I feel it could be beneficial for my whole life.)
Thanks again for the forum, and the time and thought you put into it.
for nana
I'm not sure if you're still checking this forum or not, but this is a really huge and important topic that you bring up.
Perhaps no-one has replied to your question because the point of this website seems to be to focus on not having orgasms, rather than figuring out how to have them.
Still, I find your question totally valid. In my own journey, not being able to have orgasms from penetration was very frusterating. Since I can now have them, I am able to make the choice not to, but my general orgasmic ability makes sex extremely pleasurable even if I don't go all the way, and I prefer to have the choice.
I consider the fact that many women are unable to have vaginal orgasms a huge problem, one that speaks very clearly of our culture's legacy of female circumcision in the metaphorical sense.
In my own journey, I observed the following stages in my growth to being vaginally orgasmic:
1) anger, frusteration, and sadness
2) years of research with unsucessful results
3) expression of my anger to my lover and god
in an undestructive but direct way
4) finding a pace and position while having sex that hit me in the right spots
5) abandoning my identity of myself as someone who was unable to have a vaginal orgasm and embracing a new way of seeing myself
The journey continues:
GRADUALLY strengthening the pelvic muscles through balanced expansion and contraction of muscles (not just contraction)
6) taking good care of myself physically and emotionally - this means pure food, exercise, spiritual practice, and generally doing things that are invigorating and energizing
7) only being with lovers who i have real chemistry with and genuinely enjoy
9) practice of meditation and sexual techniques outlined in mantak chia's books (ovarian breathing and compression)
10) finding a non-hormonal partner-based form of birth control that allowed me to stop bringing fear of pregnancy into my experience of sex (this is another topic altogether, but HUGE in allowing women to let go in sex)
11) taking full responsibility for my own sexual experiences. This includes: examining my attitude towards my body, learning to love it and be comfortable in it and learning to share it; never having a limited view of what i am potentially capable of experiencing in sex; learning to love giving and learning to love receiving; fully accepting where i am at on my journey as perfect for my growth.
While a lot of this is psychological, not all of it is, so don't beat yourself up psycologicall for not being able to have orgasms in sex, since a lot of it is technical. Everyone's body is totally different, so I can only share what works with me:
1) make sure the chemistry is really there. how much you enjoy kissing your partner is a good indicator
know that having orgasms is your birthright and that the energy already exists there, its just a matter of attuning to and tapping into that which you most essentially are - an ecstatic being. like enlightenment, there is nothing to "reach" except our deepest understanding of who we already are. There is no place to go - its all there, available to us in our openness!
2) make sure you're wet before you go to penetration (kissing, licking the lovely penis, and having my nipples sucked works best for me)
3) push your abdominal muscles down when he enters you, so that any air is expelled and the vacuum creates a very tight fit.
4) have the guy start out slow and sweet, with a consistent rhythm
5) examine your feelings towards him. if you are closed off somewhere, ask yourself if you can fully accept him and do so; otherwise, you should probably not be having sex with him
6) find the spots that turn you on; the more you look, the more you'll find. The opening can be very sensitive, the hammock like muscles on the backside of the vaginal wall that grip the penis upwards are very sensitive, and gentle consistent tender touch near the cervix can be lovely; any of these spots are enhanced if the man's pelvis rubs against your clitoris or if you touch yourself during sex.
7) once you've had a few orgasms through penetration and you know you are capable of it, try getting to that space right before orgasm and relaxing into it, staying in that highly charged space, dispelling the charge through sound, deep breathing, and meditation with your partner. swim and have fun without orgasm! broaden your idea of what a peak sexual experience is.
Thanks for handling this
so generously and thoroughly.
For many women the path to moving beyond orgasm lies through releasing whatever has blocked their sexuality in the past. Only then are they feeling generous enough to nourish a partner with an open heart. Incidentally, it is their openness that most assists their partners in gaining control, too.
Personally, I find it sad that society - and even sincerely well-intentioned advisors - make women feel that there is something wrong if they don't easily orgasm during sex. Perhaps some deep part of them (never validated) recognizes that there is a higher form of pleasure and wisely avoids this "short circuit." Nevertheless, each person's path is her own, and my personal path was to become very orgasmic during intercourse...before realizing that it was carrying me away from my heart's goal of sustainable relationships.
It seems that the more one's heart opens, the more one values harmony with a lover. At that point, the recognition that pursuit of our "birthright of orgasm" often creates emotional distance (perhaps not immediately, but over the two weeks following) makes it possible to move beyond this pursuit. Also, when both partners conserve the energy, no one feels the frustration of being "left out," so passing up orgasm is not a big source of loneliness and frustration.
I suspect that gentle, non-performance-oriented Exchanges, of the type recommended at this site, would best help women get their hearts open. I'm not sure that becoming very orgasmic helps at all with that goal.
You may find this link of interest: http://www.aypsite.org/T50.html
While each person's path is her own, I think it's important to make public the concept that orgasm may NOT be the ultimate solution to every woman's problems. It may simply be a bus stop on the way to a larger goal. Penetrational orgasm may not be a required stop for everyone, and women should be made more aware of other possible routes and goals.
I agree with all that you
I agree with all that you say, Marnia. I certainly don't want to reinforce the notion that there is one ideal way to respond sexually to a man. I'm aware there are many women who do not have vaginal orgasms or orgasms at all who are still very erotic people who enjoy sex. I commend them for being able to get over society's pressure to perform, and have healthy and gratifying sexual experineces despite this (or, as you say, perhaps because of this).
However, my experience in speaking with girlfriends over the years (and I talk about sex with almost everyone i know well) is that this inability can be a source of extremely deep pain. And, since I know it can be overcome, I find it important to share my journey with women who know that they want to have that capacity. To those who don't, power to them! I know I'm certainly glad I was dogged about being able to have that ability, because it showed me that I can take responsibility for manifesting what i feel is important in my life.
Some of the ambition of wanting to be orgasmic probably has something to do with the prestige of being perceived as someone with sexual prowess, and I don't think this is by any means the highest attitude to bring to our approach of sex; nevertheless it is real.
As you mentioned, each woman has her journey, and I'm happy that I started out not being able to have orgasms, then came to have them, and now am choosing not to. I certainly don't think having an orgasm is the be-all and end-all; it's a culmination of a broader sensibility, and that sensibility, or enjoyment of orgasmic energy, is extremely energizing whether I choose to reach the full climax or not.
Thank you also for the article link - it was fascinating. My experience is that multiple orgasms are draining but fun once in awhile.
FYI I've been ejaculating without reaching orgasm quite easily. The two are definately not the same. I'll let you know if I notice any depletion (note: I have been taking maca powder for the past few weeks to balance my hormone levels and regulate my periods; maca root is known to increase sexual desire and potency, something I don't feel I really need; however, if I can channel this energy in creative directions in my life instead of externalizing everything onto a mate, I feel it could be beneficial for my whole life.)
Thanks again for the forum, and the time and thought you put into it.
Well said.
I'm grateful for your contributions, and applaud your courageous explorations.