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Week 3
Day 15
Feeling a lot better today. Heavy week as far as depression, energy, and brain fog. The drawback is that the last few days have put me in the habit of being inert and having all of this energy free makes me feel a little manic, yet I am feeling inert still. I would probably benefit from sticking to my schedule and lists at this time.
My outlook and disposition is better today. After the crazy feeling this week, I feel a little relief. I need to note how dark it gets before coming through. Ive noticed this a few times when trying to recover from a heavy relapse. The moderate non-porn or non-binge relapses seem to bring on a more gradual or less extreme transition. It also seems like I have two kinds of physical withdrawal symptoms- a heavy dopesick, migraine, cant hardly eat or sleep phase and then a mono-like phase where I have no energy and am very foggy. With heavy relapses, I get the dopesick feelings soon after (within 5 days) of abstaining, and the mono-like feelings are usually some time afterward. On lighter relapses, I have experienced some mono feelings only at varying intensities and times. I am a little excited about noticing this pattern because the uncertainty of the symptoms has haunted me, they are a little less random and mysterious. It seems like its some kind of POIS/depression.
Its really difficult to go through these withdrawals. Im learning how manage them and this gives me motivation to try to mold my relapses around my duties. I hope that I will have NO time for acting out and withdrawals in the future. And if I do act out (which is inevitable), then I will try to prevent a binge.
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Comments
Have you tried meditating?
Have you tried meditating? Think of something positive about what you are getting from your new lifestyle and focus on it for five to ten minutes, empty your head of other thoughts and breathe slowly and calmly. Remember that you're not alone and that this addiction is something that will pass with time. Other people also face what you face. We're all connected by our genes and how our brains work. Listen to some calm music.
Try to feel connected with people. We're all the same beneath the layers of our minds. We all have the same limbic system, the same hormones and neurotransmitters, receptor cells and triggers in our primitive brains. We're connected with all other living things. Don't waste your life force, use it to build the positives in yourself. You are a wonderful person, unique even. Don't lose focus on that. It'll pull you through.
thanks for reading,
Brenmal
Im trying to put more
Im trying to put more meditation in my program for sure. I hear only good things about it here and many success stories about it. Im trying to meditate two ways- sitting meditation focusing on breath and hemi-sync binaural audio. The hemi-sync audio is pretty intense, that stuff really does work if I can manage to stay awake. The problem is that it relaxes me too much.
Thanks for reminders.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Any good job news?
Seems to me that you're definitely getting a handle on the symptoms and on your life. And who knows? The symptoms may ease more with time and with changed circumstances.
It would be interesting to know if more people are suffering from such symptoms these days. It may be that too much of a good thing is making such symptoms more common.
Not too much, I might be a
Not too much, I might be a sub for a fully staffed crew, which could turn into something down the road, but nothing immediate. Its times like this I wish I was in the city, jobs out here are scarce.
Yeah, its great to see the connections of the symptoms and my behavior. If it werent for this information, Id be a crazy person trying to adjust all kinds of factors to try and figure out what it was. Id be playing with diet and everything else to find this culprit.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Went out for a drink tonight
Went out for a drink tonight with that girl with the boyfriend. It was fun and flirtatious, but I got drunk and almost went home with a strange girl who I would have regretted going home with in the morning. The only thing stopping me was the awkwardness the situation was creating with the girl I went out with, so I guess I have some dignity, or at least I can avoid shame pretty good. I was feeling it and open to it though at the time. Maybe not great for my sobriety, but as far as connecting with people probably a little better.
I am responding less and less to this girl's flirtations with other guys. When she did it tonight, I just didnt care. By the end of the night, she was the one all worried about this stuff, I was ready to go home with this other girl. I used to be on my knees over this girl for no good reason, it feels good not to be at the mercy of my insecurities for a second. We put ourselves in these states. A less painful lesson and I still have my sobriety tonight.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Sounds good!
So very true! Being aware of this can be a powerful weapon against all things miserable.
You seem to be going strong. Keep up the good work!
- SL
This issue has taken me a
This issue has taken me a while, but it seems like the result of getting some control of my sexual cravings. When Im at the mercy of my cravings, I am powerless to myself and I come off as a needy drug fiend (my drug of choice of course hides in their underwear). Women pick up on this like nobody's business and is a very disempowering experience.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
good work ? He goes out with
good work ? He goes out with a girl he knows has a boyfriend and then hits on another women while out with this person. You consider that good work? Progress cause he did not @#%# one of them ? Sorry that whole situation was bad nothing good about it.
I guess you have a better
I guess you have a better model of progress that fits for all people? If you find a rigid set of morals and actions that applies to all people in all situations, please let me know, we'll start a religion.
Im interactive with people and women at this point. While all of my decisions arent the best, you arent the one to judge them. Relating well to people and women can take a while to learn and Im going to make mistakes, but Im relating and interactive. Maybe your interactions will be a lot more tame and safe, but I know Im not going to be judging you when you get a few bumps and bruises from being exposed to the pressures and the circumstances of interacting with people.
My approach to this is to jump in with both feet and start interacting. I dont expect things to be smooth, but life isnt smooth either, I am learning. Ive appreciated your support in the past, but some of your recent posts seem a little rigid and rageful. Unless you have tons of social experience and been through it all, you can add your judgments, but your tone right now reeks of of someone who doesnt know what the hell is going on.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Seeker
gave us all fair warning a few days ago that he's in a hangover period. Let's give him room to rant, and take any commentary with a bit of salt.
You can get angry all you
You can get angry all you want. I am not backing form this. You know what you say you want to get better. Why not listen to someone.
You need to back of the drinking. Going to bars and trying to pick up women. You know what that is going to lead to. I do not think you want to get better. You are so stuck in "women are just objects to be fucked" you can not see them. I am sorry that makes you angry.
Someone needs to point that out to you. If you can get past your ego and anger at what I am saying you might be able to see it.
Think about all these interactions you talk about. Most of them are not healthy or productive or progress. everyone else around here tippy toes around it. You need to stop just for a bit and think.
look where you were at the other day. you had no idea where you were or what happened. wtf man. you need to take a break and see what is going on. you can scream and yell at me all you want you can fucking hate me I do not care.
You need to take a good long look at yourself. I am not saying things because I hate you or I am in rage. I want to see you get past this.
The way you are going is not going to work. you are still stuck in a destructive cycle. You need to stop. Stop it now.
If you do not want to listen to me that is fine. I needed to say this cause nobody else seems to be willing to tell you how destructive you have been to yourself and are being to yourself.
Trust me I know I am not perfect and I am flawed and I may not get better either. It just hurts to see someone keep causing himself pain and not say what needs to be said.
Wishing you Well
Be Safe
I am not angry at you, your
I am not angry at you, your opinion of what I should or should not be doing is inconsequential either way. I'm glad you are such a good mind reader that you can read everyone's thoughts and intentions in responding to my posts. Maybe you should stop thinking about it so much and take care of your own interactions with women. You want to judge me for seeing women as objects? Get off your high horse. You have no idea of how I treat women I'm around, and I have no qualms with meeting a single girl and sleeping with her.
As far as going out drinking and meeting girls, really? You're going to bring that up? Tell me how the internet or what ever way you meet sane women go for you.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
I am not reading your mind.
I am not reading your mind. I am reading your post. You say it all in them. You are here looking to heal. I do know how you treat women you are around I read your post I have read your post. I did not say I was judging you about how you see women. I was pointing it out to you. I do not think you see how you see women. Go back and read your on blog. It is all in there. I know you have no problem meeting a women and sleeping with her. I thought that was what you were trying to deal with.
I was also pointing out if you want to change the way things are going you are going to have to change the things you are doing. Again fine if you do not want to listen. I also do not care about the attacks to me. I know my problems. I am dealing with them.
So what are you trying to deal with ?
Can you find someone who you can talk to about Karezza?
Maybe you need a circle of friends that are a bit more open to new ideas? Maybe they already are though, have you tried talking through this with a friend or two? There are plenty of women who prefer a deep conversation to sex. I'm sure they aren't that hard to find.
thanks for reading,
Brenmal
Its mixed for sure. I am
Its mixed for sure. I am talking to a couple of different women about this and they seem very interested. I mean, I dont drop the whole "no orgasm" bomb on them, but I do tell them the effects of ocytocin and the benefits of pair bonding to our emotional well-being. They are into it and I like talking to them about it, but thats as far as it goes because they both have partners and I am only partially sexually attracted to them. Maybe my attraction would change with some bonding behaviors, but its not happening as of yet, and I have little control over that right now. Plus, there is no reason to think that I cant have a sane, smart, and a woman who I find attractive in my life.
Im open to talking to women about this and Im trying to be more social and interactive. Its a challenge in itself though. Its also challenging because my old programming tells me to just go for it and deal with whatever happens. When this happens I can put myself in danger of a relapse. Its a fine line right now, but its becoming more natural.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Good stuff as always
JRsun. Yeah, when I abstain I don't even care about another girl and her boyfriend. I know how confident I am and figure it's her loss like she must be crazy or something. Maybe delusional but who cares, it certainly is better than being clingy and desepate, which I used to.
"Maybe delusional but who
"Maybe delusional but who cares, it certainly is better than being clingy and desepate, which I used to."
Cant be any more delusional than our formerly held paradigm that says that we are unworthy. That clingy and desperate disposition pushed me into a downward spiral that went into the worst parts of my addiction.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Day 16
A little triggered today. I went on an interview at a motel for a job and it just triggered something from a long time ago. It wasnt much of a problem at first, but its been creeping up on me. That in combination with almost going home with that girl last night for anonymous sex, the stress of job hunting, etc. Ive come onto here after looking on the web. I need to stay safe since Ive already got that in my head. I cant let that intrigue grow. If I were around my friends, Id be going over there to stay safe. This is helping some. I made a few phone calls, geez, I hope I can work at this place. I wasnt even expecting anything like this. Its a flop, it will blow over. Its a powerful charge, but it doesnt mean anything, the more power I give, the more control it has over me. Im done with it, its not happening tonight.
Other than that, I felt pretty good today. I had a couple of job interviews that went pretty good and it put me in a good mood. I went and played basketball and that made me feel really good. I lose these things when I act out, I dont allow myself to enjoy them. I need to focus on my good life, the life I want and am working towards.
I think Ill be safe tonight. I simply need to meet healthy people though. Maybe through my upcoming work.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Know what you value and value what you know.
Anonymous sex used to seem like a great idea to me. The drawbacks are that you might actually like the anonymous person, but because the act was anonymous and random, maybe your chances of actually making a go of something with that person are greatly reduced... this can be heartbreaking, plus the enormous list of What ifs... that go along with this choice of action, ranging from entertaining to downright dangerous. Its a bit of a lottery, and as with all lotteries, the chances of winning are very slim indeed.
If you concentrate on the what ifs... you'll do your head in. Instead, use your rational brain to imagine what the right partner (not perfect... they don't exist), what the right partner for you would do to support you, help you and nurture your spiritual side. How would you like this person make you feel and how would they do this? Know what you value in people and then go looking for it.
Once you've found this person, they're probably considerably more intelligent than some of the other anonymous/random one-night only people you've met, so be straight with them, don't b/s. Genuine people prefer honesty and humour, fakes prefer money and appearance. Focus on what it is that you can genuinely offer them, to do this... find out what they want. If it's too demanding move on.
thanks for reading,
Brenmal
Good job
getting the support to cope with an old trigger.
*fingers crossed* about the job.
Day 17
Tough couple of days. I went out last night with my friend girl and her friend. It was fun and interactive for a while. Somehow I ended up by myself with a concussion with no recollection of what happened. It was terrible. I think this drugged out guy who had been obsessing over my friend assaulted me at some point. I'm not really sure what happened but I had finger marks on my neck and my head really hurt. I must have wandered around town for an hour before calling my friend to come and pick me up. It was a very weird thing. I stayed incoherent for several more hours and still have no idea what happened. I spent the day in the emergency room trying to make sure it wasn't serious.
I'm feeling somewhat coherent, but still out of it. I'm staying at my friends house for a couple of days. It was a scary and disorienting event. I can't wait for my head to clear up.
No problems with any of the other stuff because my mind has been I'll.
Geeze
Do you need a new set of friends?
Sorry to hear this.
I think that goes without
I think that goes without saying.
The friends I went out with
The friends I went out with that night were fine, but this guy there that liked this girl there was not right in the head.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Day 18
Feeling a little better today. The two girls I went out with that night are helping me out and keeping an eye on me. It pretty much sucked, but Im feeling better and more coherent as the time goes on. I guess Im not going to play pool at this place any more. Its kind of a rough place anyways. Just going to keep staying with these two girls. They are both studying to be nurses, so I guess Im in the right hands.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Day 19
It was a pretty crazy weekend, but not in a fun way. It was pretty eerie actually, and I cant wait to get through this. Feeling a lot better overall, but have a bad taste in my mouth in general. I suffered a heavy concussion and lost track of myself and things for a few hours. It was pretty crazy. I dont really live in the best part of town either, Im trying to move away from this part. I think some crazy obsessed coked out guy didnt like that I went to the bar with a girl that had rejected him a month ago. The police had looked for him, and this guy had been removed from the bar, but I didnt remember anything. It was the weirdest thing Ive ever been through. I am considering taking up martial arts, it will be good for me in many ways anyways.
The last couple of days Ive been in the company of the girls I had went out with that night. They have kept an eye on me and I have pretty much recovered. I still feel a little weird, but Ive pretty much regained my senses. The fogginess is still present, but not worse than any of the fogginess Ive experienced with withdrawals.
I did have some soothing bonding experiences with the girl I stayed with last night. We had watched a movie together and we were close. It felt pretty sane, nothing weird and no escalation, just two people enjoying each others company. Im not sure how I feel about her, but I dont have to make up my mind or anything, we just liked being around each other. She also did some kind of muscle therapy on me too, which seemed to help a little.
Time to get back into the groove of things again after all the madness.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Sounds like
the event may have had a silver lining...healthy bonding. Glad you're feeling better.
Yes, both of these women
Yes, both of these women came through for me and sat with me at the hospital for hours. I owe the both of them a lot of thanks for looking after me the last couple of days and following the doctors advice. It was a serious brain injury that could have been tragic. I always assume that other people adhere to the rule of law and would never risk acting on their aggression for fear of a harsh punishment by the law, but its just not true, some people have a hard time controlling their violence. Its a weird thing to think that someone was enraged enough to want to physically assault someone they do not know. Hard to imagine. The girl I was with was freaked out and left town because she was afraid since this guy knows where she lives, if after all, its the same guy she suspects. I havent really felt coherent enough to file a police report. Kind of scared actually because its such a small sheep-humpin town. I want to get out of here soon.
Finally starting to get my senses back. Strangely, recovering from a concussion can be sped up with the same things that encourage brain plasticity, so I kind of have some practice with recovery here. Mainly just getting a lot of rest.
Havent really had too many urges in the past few days, been preoccupied with the nonsense. I did get aroused while being close to my friend on the couch, but I wasnt going to act on it. Im not all that attracted to her for some reason. She's very sweet and can hold a conversation, but Im not feeling that spark or chemistry. There's little I can do about feeling that way. Im also not going to mess around with a girl with a kid unless Im serious about her too. Plus, her dogs are really "lickity" and needy, and for some reason, I kind of see her in them and its unattractive to me. Maybe Im tripping from my injury, cant tell, but cant really help feeling that way. It must be a chemistry thing.
However, I see this girl from my class at the store and I say "hey, hows your summer?" Most people would stop and chat for a sec, even if they didnt want to talk, they would be polite. She just says "hi" and keeps on walking. We were on friendly terms with each other during class. But then I notice that her boyfriend was following her not too far behind, so probably a little weird, but talk to me if you want to, dont if you dont, right? Boyfriend or not, we were still friendly with each other for the entire 15 weeks of class. I know relationships and moods can get weird though, so I didnt take it personally. Whatever, I can enjoy a smile and a hello if thats all she gives me, thats plenty if its sincere.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Day 20
Still feeling a little out of it, but amazed at the parallels between the concussion and the fogginess normally associated with withdrawal symptoms. In both situations there is a lot of restructuring and reconnecting of neurons. I was feeling foggy today, but know that isolation would keep me foggy, so I got out for a little while. I interviewed with a job and got the position, but I am a substitute until other people quit. Its a great way to be around other students because its mainly environmental students who work there. They all go camping too for some work projects, so Im pretty happy about getting to know people.
Mainly just taking it easy right now and allowing myself to be lazy. Im feeling a little traumatized about the situation and a bit on edge, but Im feeling better in general. I definitely feel like Im working through a relapse "valley" with this because of all the stress and commotion, then the ensuing fogginess and lack of clarity. I guess Ive been through this a hundred times though so I kind of know what to do. It might take a few weeks to fully recover, but... that again sounds familiar.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Wow
Glad you seem to have come out of that in one piece. Hope there are no serious side effects.
Thanks, Seems like it will
Thanks, Seems like it will be fine. To be honest, at this point, my fogginess and cognition problems have been worse in withdrawals. I expect a gradual improvement for the next 2 weeks for this level of concussion. Its rare to have permanent side effects, but I do always have to be careful of further concussions in the future.
Apparently, they found me with 3 huge guys standing over me mocking me. Im not a very big guy at all, so Im not sure why 3 big dudes were so thrilled to have subdued a single smaller guy. I wonder what I said or did that was able to enrage these 3 guys. I probably didnt have to say much because they were drunk. Whatever, their lives are pathetic, if the only power they have in this world is subduing a smaller guy on a three on one scuffle, then its more sad than anything. Geez, if thats the scope of your masculinity then you really are pathetic. Maybe theyll end up in jail and be feeling real manly taking it as someone's bitch, a very likely scenario with the dumb stuff they are doing. What they did to me alone would qualify them for state penitentiary for a year. Thats serious battery, I could have died, they need 15 years in my opinion, youre not fit for society, youre a dog. A just place for violent criminals who cant control themselves. Fill the prisons up with these guys in place of drug offenders.
Im done being angry, but I do need to exercise caution when I am out at night. I am seriously looking into martial arts. I felt vulnerable after that, and it made me realize how exposed I was to someone who wants to take advantage of me. We live in a violent culture and some people do not act civilized. People are pretty crazy, I dont want my life ruined because some dude cant handle his emotions.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Martial arts
Might be good for you in more ways than just being able to defend yourself. My oldest son and my wife started doing some together the last few weeks, and seem to be enjoying it. I think the practices they teach you can help to center yourself more, like meditation, but in a different way.
I used to have a bookkeeping client who did martial arts, and my son and I did some of that together for a while, a self-defense class specifically. But I've not done a lot of it myself.
Day 21
Yes, it is kind of a physical meditation. Its very good for the mind, I need something like this.
Still feeling foggy from the injury, but Im thinking more like my old self again. Still feels like Im missing some pieces though. This might take a couple of weeks to sort out, but I like that Im starting to feel better. I started training for a job today and it was difficult, but it went okay. Some team building exercise stuff, but it was fine. It wont be hard to find friends here at all. Its an interactive, innovative, and young work crew. We get paid to go on work camping trips too.
This woman who helped me out over the weekend invited me over tonight. I went and we did more bonding, but I think she wants more than I do as far as relationship. Theres that whole unspoken relationship-for-sex trade that is so familiar with all of my past relationships. I should get out of it while I can because Im not wanting a relationship with her and sex doesnt seem like a good trade off with her because Im not that attracted to her. The backrubs and someone to talk to is nice, but its going to wake up my addict at this rate. Im just not that interested in pair bonding with her because I dont see any future with her. It feels good, but Im still interested in escalation too. Not really sure how to do this, if Im not attracted to someone, Im not sure if it has to do with something in my old thinking or what. I guess this is the kind of thing I need to sort through when trying to date.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Delighted to hear
you found a job that you can enjoy. Maybe you could just clarify with her that you see the relationship as strictly a brother-sister connection, and let her decide if she wants to keep going. The contact could help you both not to make impulsive mating choices.