day 57 update

Hello my Reuniting family!!

I feels like its been forever since Ive blogged. I'm sorry for not responding to messages and posts; life seems to have picked up speed in these past few of weeks.

Anyway, On the overall, Im feeling well.

so heres the changes Ive noticed in these past 2 or three weeks:

feeling greater level of support in my life:

Ive begun to see a psychologist and psychiatrist regularly regarding the school issue. we made an agreement that i was going to get in touch with the writing center and the learning disabilities center even though we are not certain yet that I have ADD. They said that they want me to hold off on the testing for now because its such an extensive process and would rather get to know me a little better. So all in all it just feels like a huge relief to have the extra support, not only for school, but just for general issues; i talk to these therapists about just about everything going on in my life. and both of the therapists seem really nice. one even meditates so when i told her I'm into meditation she encouraged me that I keep it up.

greater consistency in daily routinge:

my meditation routine has become much more consistent these past couple of weeks, and im having an easier time getting up on time in the morning. its still not exactly where i want, but it seems to be getting there. I also established a cooking schedule of what days im going to cook and i seem to be following it fairly well. I went running Saturday morning for the first time in years and it felt great. I want to go for a run at least once a week.

Im more receptive to male attention and im being more social:

I have to say that these past couple of weeks i have been basking in the smiles of countless random men ; on the bus, at my job, in my neighborhood. Even one of my male neighbors that's never said a word to me in like 2 years helped me up the stairs with my laundry a week or 2 ago. then my other very handsome male neighbor held the door for me and asked me about how my day went. I feel like i'm definitely more friendly with men, and being more social in general. this is the first weekend in a really long time where i actually made good use of every day. I did something fun Friday, Saturday, and Yesterday. I got to hang out with my close friends which was great!! on Saturday i got to hang out wit my mother and some other close people.

i wrote in my last thread how i met a guy at school. this was now like over 3 weeks back. Well he called me i believe last Friday. so anyway, we spoke on the phone a couple of times. we were actually supposed to go out yesterday afternoon and hang out, but he ended up calling me about 3 hours before we were supposed to meet up to cancel because he had unexpected visitors arriving from another state. I was very understanding and told him that it was fine that we could meet up another day. so hes going to give me a call in the middle of the week. anyway it still turned out to be a nice day, because just a little while later my friend called me unexpectedly asking me if i wanted to do some shopping with her, so i went shopping instead and then we ended up going to a barbecue of a friend, so i still enjoyed my time. Anyway as i mentioned in a previous post, the way this guy dresses is kinda outa the ordinary, for me at least. he just doesn't attract me physically in anyway. neither by the way he talks. being seen with him could possibly raise some eyebrows. I don't mean to sound superficial, but he just doesn't attract me (maybe why i didn't get upset that he canceled on me was for this very reason although in a way, i was actually looking forward to our meeting). On another note, we seem to have allot to talk about, and hes smart and in school, and we have had some similar life experiences. so anyway lets see if he calls me back mid week and we end up going out. I'm just trying to keep an open mind about things. not every interaction i have with a male should have to lead to something serious so i tell myself. Idk, maybe its better for me to not be hot and bothered by a man.

On another note, about almost 2 months ago now, i bumped into a fellow co worker on the bus who I got a long with pretty well. i blogged about this as well. he is my type physically, and hes also a nice guy. he lives right around my way, we work at the same job, he gets off at the same time as me, but to my frustration, we haven't bumped into each other at all in these past couple of months. well actually, about a week or 2 ago, on 2 or so occasions i was standing within feet of him but he didn't see me and i was to nervous to say hi, so i pretended i didn't see him. then we finally made eye contact for a split second and said hi when i was waiting for the up elevator and the down elevator stopped and he was on it. i waved to him, and he looked at me with this kinda intense look that makes me think that he is interested in the same way i am in him. this guy kinda causes that adrenaline rush reaction when i spot him...and the really frustrating thing is that i see him almost every day eating lunch with his fellow male coworker. i work a few floors above where he eats and i see him down below from my floor eating. i can see him off the balcony from my job, and its driving me a little crazy. i have decided I'm going to bypass looking off the balcony of my floor for now on. I even attempted to sit down there and eat lunch on 1 or 2 occasions when i was eating a late lunch, but i keep missing him. i don't know, the timing seems to be off. perhaps its just not meant to happen.

One thing that hasn't seemed to disappear yet is my anxiety. i never seemed to talk about it previously, but i do experience feelings of anxiety pretty frequently. perhaps I am more conscious of it now than when i was masturbating regularly.. it seems to particularly relate to feeling like an outsider..like i don't belong, feelings that stem back to my upbringing, and also living in an oppressed neighborhood. I'm thankful to say though that i seem to be having more happier days than unhappy.

life just seems busy busy busy these days but im feeling happy and feel like I have good things to look forward to. Im especially just looking forward to being around my close friends and spending time with them doing fun things. Human relationships are what give life meaning, and its definitely becoming a priority to spend time with other people.

till next time....