Why forming relationships may be harder for recovering sex addicts.

Submitted by Brenmal on Mon, 2010-05-31 10:10
Community topics: 
relationships
addiction recovery
intimacy
recovering from addiction

I've been dipping into "Sex and Love: Addiction, Treatment, and Recovery" By Eric Griffin-Shelley, 1997

Here are some points about the addiction and why it may be harder for recovering sex addicts to form intimate relationships. From the opening pages:

"Many people have struggled with trying to define addiction... the word addict has a Latin root, ad dictum which means "to the dictator." When people were captured and sent into slavery, they were sent ad dictum. The idea of addiction as enslavement is something to which most addicts would readily agree. When you are addicted to a person, whiskey, prostitutes, or cigarettes, you feel that you have no choice and are powerless to stop. You cannot get the person or thing off your mind, and you are somehow its captive. Often the poser of the captivity is disguised by the addict both to him- or herself and to the rest of the world; addicts tell us, "I can quit any time I want." In other cases there may be an irregular pattern with apparent periods of control. However, the telling factor is the power that the activity, person, or thing has to draw the addict back into use and abuse..."

This quote from page 207 also took my interest about how difficult forming relationships can be after a period of addiction:

"Developing intimacy, providing safety, and establishing trust is a risky business. Even when we have had a solid foundation from our early life experience, being open, mutual, and equal involves taking risks. Many people are afraid to take the risk of building an intimate relationship. They fear abandonment, rejection, or betrayal and broken promises.This may be due to experiences of abandonment, rejection, and betrayal. When the person lacks self-confidence and self-worth, these fears will be magnified. Since sex and love addictions destroy self-esteem, the recovering addict will be afraid of developing intimate relationships because of the hurt and pain associated with loss, being pushed away, and seeing promises and hopes destroyed. These may be compounded for the recovering person by damage done in early life. Intimacy then becomes even more threatening, even impossible...

Sometimes, even when people are willing to take the risk and responsibility, make the commitment,and invest in the relationship, intimate and committed relationships do not develop. This can be due to a poor choice of partners, inappropriate expectations, or an inability to express feelings. For example, the partner that a sex and love addict would choose while in active addiction might not be capable of having an intimate relationship. Often, sex and love addicts choose each other. One recovering sex and love addict who was feeling lonely and needy on a Saturday night picked up his old phone book (a "thing" in the "people, places, and things" category that the SLAA program recommends you drop) and called a number of women in it. He was surprised when eh began to fall back into his addictive thinking and actually made a date with a sex and love addict who was not available for two weeks because she had so many other relationships in progress. It took him four days to become convinced that he had made a poor choice of partners. "

Comments

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Mon, 2010-05-31 14:56.

I hadn't realized where the term "addiction" came from. Makes good sense.

Yes, forming real relationships can be scary. One reason for addictions is to avoid having one's mood dependent upon the cooperation of another. After all "self-sufficiency" is glorified in our culture, so if we find a mood altering substance or behavior, it almost feels like we're doing others a favor by self-medicating.

I've sometimes said I think many addicts are among the nicest people on the planet (at heart). They don't take their moods out on others...they medicate them away. I, on the other hand, have been known to raise hell when I'm unhappy. smiley

Fortunately, I learned that there are ways to "regulate" our moods (as it's officially called) via balance, rather than blasting the reward circuitry. They take longer to put in place, and they don't ease withdrawal completely, but they're more sustainable: meditation, inspiring reading, karezza, friendly interaction, time in nature....you all know the list. smiley

Submitted by Chemicallydriven on Mon, 2010-05-31 15:13.

I tend to believe catagorizing people and our world as different, broken, sick, helpless, is responsible in creating that which we want not. I guarantee that if we spent half as much focus on figuring out what was right with ourselves, what we did good, we would be less prone to find actions, or chemicals to cover up all the shame we have of not feeling good enough, and not living up to someone elses idea of what it means to be normal. It is my opinion that telling someone they are powerless, and different from others, then making them daily say and confirm that they are, only ensures for most a relapse. In an anonymous program there is still shame otherwise why the anonymous, to be considered recovered or good enough one must do this or do that, and if u don't? Well yer still sick and just may die. So when a person relapses he comes to expect this. So when they do die, was it really their disease that killed them, or was it the believing they were not good enough, for anything, and again just living up to what others say. Why not hi my name is Joe and I am a good man and I can do what is right and healthy, and with a god can overcome my need to believe I am no good and run from it. Then head to the doctor where he will get his test results of all the things the doctor could find were good about him
For some, pleasure is a fever they can't shake. For others, it's a disease they cannot seem to catch. ~Nathaniel LeTonnerre, translated

Submitted by CuriousFellow on Mon, 2010-05-31 17:16.

I agree with you, Chem. People should focus on what is good about themselves.

Submitted by Brenmal on Tue, 2010-06-01 03:57.

If we use our rational brain we can preempt our limbic system and think our way out of compulsive fixes. This knowledge is power and it's that which is really what's great about human beings.

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

Bing Crosby

thanks for reading,

Brenmal