Am I A Sex Addict?

How Do I Know if I Am a Sexual Addict?
By Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT

SOURCE:http://www.sexualrecovery.com/resources/articles/howdoiknow.php

For most adults, healthy sexuality is an integrated life experience. Sex with partners, with self, or as a part of exploring new relationships is usually a pleasurable act of choice. For sexual addicts however, sexual behavior can be most often defined by words such as driven, compulsive and hidden...[S]exual addicts use sex as a means to cope, to handle boredom, anxiety and other powerful feelings or as a way to feel important, wanted or powerful...[S]exual addiction is not defined by any particular sexual act, sexual addiction is defined by the feelings and activities surrounding sex...sexually addictive behavior as sexual activity that often falls into one of three categories. Dr. Patrick Carnes who in his groundbreaking book on sexual addiction, Out of the Shadows defined sexually addictive behavior as sexual activity most often involving Shame, Secrecy or Abuse. Let's examine this further.

Shameful

Shame can be defined as a feeling of inner worthlessness or despair about ever being worthy or lovable. For the sex addict who spends endless amounts of time, money and energy going to strip clubs, getting sexual massages, maintaining multiple affairs or masturbating night after night to Internet porn, the shame he feels about these acts reinforces an inner core of negative feelings that ends up sabotaging his relationships, careers and self-esteem.

Secretive

Secrecy is a hallmark of sexual addiction. Compartmentalizing a life of hidden sexual behaviors, the sex addict finds him/herself wrapped in a web of lies and manipulations, consistently hiding from those close to them, while using justifications, rationalizations and outright denial to lie to themselves.

Abusive

Abusive sex can run the gamut from manipulating someone or using your power over them get obtain sex, to sexual offenses such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, sex with minors and rape. Potential sexual partners are being abused when invited into situations they do not fully understand, when there is a clear inequity of power in a relationship and whenever they can't fully and openly consent to sex

Al was a supervisor in a large corporation. Because he was known as "always being on the make" the women at Al's company learned to be careful how they engaged with him. Al didn't see anything wrong with simple pats on the butt, commenting on a co-workers legs or breasts or making out with secretaries in the elevator at the company holiday party, though he was always careful not to sexually engage women who worked directly for him. Married for 11 years, Al has engaged in sexual affairs both at work and with various baby-sitters his wife has hired to work in his home. When he was younger, Al had been kicked out of a school fraternity when he was accused of having sex with a woman when she was passed out from drinking. At the time he felt like too much was made of the incident, "after all, we were drinking together.

To conclude, when asked to inventory their past sexual activities, most sex addicts often uncover long histories of various types and degrees of problem acting-out, behaviors that often proceeded their present problems. Recovery from sexual addiction, like any addictive is a long road with many challenges...The main keys to healing from years of hidden sexual acts, compulsive behaviors, betrayal and lies are: a strong motivation to get well and the willingness to take the necessary emotional risks in honesty facing these painful issues [with another person(s)] who will not judge you, but offer direction and real help.

A forum member:

The most notable change in me has been that I am no longer compulsively self medicating on porn and prostitutes (which I once reverted to every time I felt hacked off with life). I have kicked that habit, although I am aware of how easy it is to slip back into it should I let my guard down. I am trying to remove the stress factors in my life - overwork, lack of connection with my wife, lack of meaningful conversation with people and suchlike, whilst at the same time following up on the things that make me feel tranquil and good about myself.

It's only 23 weeks since I first found this site, twenty weeks since I got Marnia's books. It seems like a much longer length of time and I only discovered it when I went to look at my profile page on here.

I am a very different person now. I have probably read one to two books per week since then, mostly about psychology and philosophy, Buddhism, meditation with some novels and some books to do with my professional life. I have re-read some of my old favourites on time management. I have developed a keen interest in Humanism, Buddhism and Stoicism. I have become increasingly atheistic in my beliefs, but I love people enough not to let this tarnish my view of religious people. My views have been tempered by Humanism.

I watch less TV, I now use the computer to follow up my new interests rather than to find porn or hook up with women. In that same time scale my wife (a Christian) has lost a total of 39lbs in weight and is starting to glow with beauty. We are both feeling more secure within ourselves and showing more love to each other.

What I'm so happy about is that in spite of all our problems we're both the still together and we're changing together. I am focusing on the here and now, meditating on being happy with what I have and occasionally thinking to myself about how life could be if I lost some of the things and people I love in my life. This is the Stoic way and it is helping me to focus on what it is in the present that makes me happy. This is making me joyful in spite of many of the external pressures that I've always had still being there (e.g. my boss is a jerk). I don't feel any pain about the past events in my life, they can't be changed. I can only hope to change the future.

I have no control over the past, no control over the present. I can only hope to work towards worthwhile achievable goals day by day while developing my personal philosophy of life. My plan is to be the best I can be in the things to which I am committed and to make careful life choices rather than "mammalian brain" ones.

By reflecting on myself and how I've interacted with people in the past I am making a better go of things of late. I am in a never ending state of flux (thankfully) I would hate to be in a Groundhog Day porn prostitute scenario again and I want to thank this site for the remarkably positive and formative effect it has had on me and my personal life and for giving me the courage to be responsible for my own actions rather than treating myself as a victim. I am no longer scared to change but so grateful that I can and so grateful that I am in possession of such a marvelous plastic brain. I feel closer to all of you than I have ever felt before simply because I now see how much I share with each and every one of you. Its been a humbling and life changing 23 weeks.