Step 5 - Abstain for a Month

I think my motivation is such that I'm really wanting to find out what life is like after two weeks, and I don't want to mess that up. So while I'm not saying or expecting it to be easy, I feel a deep commitment to go this month without. I want to discover what its like, now that I know to look for it.

And yes, once I've gone a week without, doing it again I know will send me on a down time, and I want to avoid that as well. That said, I'm not saying I'll not do it again. I'm using this month as an experiment, and then I'll evaluate where I want to take it from here. It very well may be that I'll decide, "Ah, I don't care, I'll keep going."

The problem is in what manner. My idea is after this month, I'll only have orgasms with my wife, which would probably be generally once every week or two. So for the month of July, I'll probably have an orgasm two to three times. My hope is that the oxytocin (we tend to spend time leading up to it) helps to offset the downward slide. I'm hoping to test that out in July. I'll be able to gage how big a downer hit I get after not doing it for a while if I don't masturbate. Because masturbation doesn't produce the oxytocin to help offset the dopamine crash. That's the theory and I'll test that out in July. If my post-orgasm crashes are about the same as masturbation (assuming I can tell), then I'll know it doesn't matter, either way is about the same.

If, however, they are muted crashes compared to masturbation, what that will give me is a natural regulator from frequent orgasms. My wife generally only wants to do it no more than once a week at the most, which based on how long it takes for the testosterone to reboot, is the minimum amount of time you'd want to wait between orgasms. Some months it may only happen once or twice, which would get closer to Marnia's two week cycle (but not much point in trying to reach that if you rarely go beyond it to enjoy the time past two weeks). That's the plan I'm considering for long term if those are more muted on the affects afterwards. That, and probably work to introduce some karezza (hope that was right) into it once she feels comfortable with it.

But, if that doesn't make much difference in the post-orgasm experience, and I discover that I feel so much better after abstaining past two weeks, and have so much more energy, work on my writing and get stuff done so much better, and am more productive at work...if I simply feel so much better than "normal," then I'll have a hard decision to make.

Because to this point I've not said, "I'm never masturbating again," and I'm sure if I decide I like that so much that I'm going to do my best to rarely masturbate or have an orgasm, that I will slip up from time to time and have that crash, go through that cycle over and over again. Maybe eventually getting to the point where I rarely have an orgasm, but in that state of existence when I do have an orgasm, it will be a big crash and yuk. So the balanced times would have to be really great to decide to go that route.

The other route is that I go back to near daily orgasms, and let myself get back to "normal" which appears to take at least a couple of weeks, and forget about this abstaining thing. What I don't think I want to do, however, is have an orgasm once every week or two and keep having that crash. It's either no orgasm or let 'er rip, because either one of those two ways, at least for me, would let me have energy. The later probably less than the former, but if I keep having crashes due to slip up and such, then I would rather just let my body adjust to regular like I've been doing most of my life, and not noticing any real down side, crashes.

But here's where I think I am on this. I've convinced myself I've not decided to give it up for good yet. I'm running experiments to find out what I want to do. That said, a part of me would like to have control over this, not be addicted to it, so that as I said somewhere else, I can have an orgasm with my wife or whatever, and not feel like I have to have another right away or I'll die. Currently, if my wife and I have sex, I usually tend to masturbate later on that day, and probably the next morning too. It's like, "that was good! I want another."

So I'm hoping this experiment helps me to at least get the reboot going so that when I get to the end of this month, or July, I'll feel free enough at that point to make a decision to avoid other than sex with my wife, because I can have just one, unlike the potato chips.

To me that's my goal. To be content with just orgasms from my wife, and not feel I need to force more out of me. Whatever she gives me, is what I get. Enjoy those and be happy. Then I'm not doing it for selfish motives primarily, but the joy of uniting with her, and sharing that mutual feeling together with her, and not keeping it only for myself.

Today I my body started realizing something is up (yet again! when will it end!). I was giving a low level begging to be touched and held. But that ended up not being a problem. But I came here to take my mind off of it. Funny. Take my mind off of it by writing about it. .

But its good to remind myself why I'm doing this. I'm determined to get there, but I do know how strong the pull can get to do it, and my addictive brain will cry out to be fed. So I'm bracing myself for that onslaught. But if I can keep my hands from doing anything to sneak in more and more hoping the bait will catch me, I should be fine.

Day 2 passed without incident, though my thoughts turned to it, and I kept noticing all these scantily clad women, wearing tight shorts and such. My wife likes to watch So You Think You Can Dance. I don't, not only because I've never danced and I'm not much interested in it, but also because the show is full of women wearing tight fitting shorts, being thrown in all sorts of provocative poses. I don't think I need that right now. .

So I write in my room, keeping myself focused on things that matter.

Today I'm starting day 7. I've yet to finish a day seven going without. On my previous two abstinence steps, I only planned to go for a week, and so on day 7 I would have sex with my wife, and usually masturbated again later that evening. So, now that I'm going for the whole month, when I get to the end of this day, I'll be in new territory since many years ago.

Day six seems to be when the sensitivity to orgasmic feelings kicks in higher. And like last time, beginning of the day I didn't feel a whole lot. I stiffened up when stimulated just fine, but there wasn't a lot of feeling, even by the late afternoon. I took a nap, and when I woke up, I checked again. This time, I could feel an increase of feeling. Once my body woke up, it felt real good. So at some point on the sixth day of abstinence, it appear something changes within my body which flips on the orgasmic feeling generator. It's literally the difference between night and day. Very strange.

So the feeling is there, and the desire is there, but I still don't feel a big pull to do anything. We'll see if that keeps up going into this second week. The one thing I do run across is when I see perfect opportunities when I would normally rejoice and count myself lucky. Like on Saturday. My wife and two sons headed out to go to a karate competition. Luckily I had a writers club event to go to as well, but while they would be gone all day, until around 6-7 pm, I was back home mid-afternoon. I had the whole house to myself. Normally, I would have done it at least twice on such a day, maybe tried to squeeze in three times. And I did play a little bit, both to gage the sexual feeling (very little) and to help my brain feel like I wasn't forfeiting a perfect opportunity totally, even if I wasn't going to have an orgasm as a result.

But I see those times I would have been excited to run around the house naked and enjoy myself without worries of who might catch me and lament that I'm abstaining. It's the same feeling when I used to play tennis, loved it. And if there was a beautiful day outside, I hated not being able to go out and play on the courts. It just seemed like a waste of a perfectly good opportunity.

But I know that's my limbic brain talking, and I do my best to ignore it. Fuss all you want, you aren't getting your way this time.

So, overall I did good this first week, again. Now I'll face the second week, when it seems many fall. I hope not to be one.

Day 7 is coming to a close. Body was excitable, and I did play around to placate it, but no orgasm. But the feelings are certainly still there.

But, I've also noticed I feel more awake today than I've been in a while, despite some yawns. My mind feels active.

One thing I'm wondering. Does feeling some good orgasmic feelings from stimulation create any significant dopamine increases compared to a full ejaculatory orgasm? IOW, does messing with it some to get some lower level good feelings potentially mess up the two-weeks to balance cycle, starting me over again or prolonging the cycle in any way? Or does that only happen when you hit the point of no return?

An enjoyable day, anyway. And at least as far as I know, still on track.

At least in principle.

Tuesday morning, upon waking up, my feelings were still strong. I played around as I had been doing. But unlike other times, I went too close to the edge and it slipped over into an ejaculatory orgasm. Sort of felt like it simply rolled over the edge rather than jumped off. .

So I am restarting the count to get past two weeks. Still have time in the month to accomplish that. But here's what I'm experiencing thus far for this day since having this orgasm.

One would think I would feel terrible, low energy, etc. But really, aside from some minor physical discomfort in the groin area, I've not had a problem with that today. And it has continued all day to feel really sensitive and good when I messed with it. So far, this increase in good feeling started in the evening on Sunday, and has lasted to current. I'm kind of curious how long these feelings will last.

The good news is that I've not had another such incident. I've limited it to one. But, I am still allowing myself to experience stimulation without allowing myself to go to orgasm. Other than this one incident this past morning, I've had little to no trouble stopping it when I needed to in order to prevent that. The one this morning sort of sneaked up on me, and by the time I realized it was coming, my usual trick for stopping them couldn't prevent it.

What's my trick? It isn't squeezing of the PC muscle. That's not supposed to be good anyway. Rather, it relates to how your body brings one to orgasm. It does so by two factors. One, an increase of tension in the body, and two, by holding your breath or shallow breathing.

So, when I sense the beginning of feelings which are ramping me up to the point of no return, I stop any stimulation, totally relax my body, and breath deep, letting my breath out. All that sexual energy gets absorbed back into my body when I do that. Sometimes, especially if I've not masturbated for a few days, I'll get some precum or even some semen ejaculate out with this, but I don't hit the point of no return, and I can keep going again if I want to once I let the "engine down a bit." No refractory period because I didn't trigger the full ejaculatory orgasm phase, sending me into that post-orgasm cycle.

I've almost always been able to stave off a full ejaculatory orgasm using this. As a matter of fact, Saturday I came way too close. I actually didn't think I would avoid it, as I felt the feeling of racing toward the edge suddenly hit the scene. I immediately did relax and breath deep, and I barely kept it from rolling over. I ejaculated fairly strongly, but I felt that I didn't go over. More like teetered on the edge of the cliff before falling back on the ground behind me. I confirmed that was the case once I had let the feelings subside some, by more stimulation. I didn't feel the refractory period had hit, instead, it felt good and started to build up again, and I remained stiff as well after the ejaculation (if I really go over, I get flaccid almost immediately).

So, I think what I've learned between Saturday and Tuesday morning is both times I didn't allow enough pause between stimulation, and I was doing this one method that I think kept the feeling up high enough that it masked the usual signs that I was approaching the point of no return, until it was nearly upon me. Saturday, I barely avoided it, but Tuesday I didn't. But usually I can tell when it is coming and relax well before I get to the edge like that. I need to stick to the stimulation that doesn't mask that so much, and make sure I pause long enough to absorb the energy fully back in before I do any further stimulation. That seems to be the key.

Of course, the other option is simply to not stimulate at all. But I find this makes it more easier to deal with these times. Here I am, my body ultra-sensitive, and i would look at this as really missing out on a great opportunity. This way, assuming I don't blow it like I did this morning, I can have my cake and eat it to. I just feel it will help me not to feel like I'm missing out, and being tempted by that. I can say, "You can have this, but not an orgasm."

But I feel overall energized by all this. I'm wondering what level of crash I had from this. Either my bonding oxytocin is fending off any real sense of crash, or perhaps also because I didn't binge with multiple orgasms today, or maybe the relaxing right before it rolled over the point of no return softened the landing and the crash didn't crash so deep. It did feel like a gentle peak of orgasmic feeling rather than a high spike.

Note: if you are currently in the middle of abstaining, I wouldn't try this out if you are not used to it. It takes knowing your body, and the signals it sends when orgasm approaches, and training yourself to relax at the right time to avoid heading into orgasm and absorbing those feelings into your body though that. Expect to fail a few times before you get the hang of it. Great to experiment with for those who are having orgasms that you want to get away from. You can only go up!

So that's why I say literally I'm resetting to day 1 for 6/9. But, due to the lack of a crash from it, I'm half wondering if the orgasm will extend that two week cycle out another week or not. We'll see.

Thanks.

This sensitivity isn't going away. If anything, its getting stronger. That's good on one hand, as it feels really good. After a 20 minute "workout" I felt really energized to go through the rest of the day.

Bad, because it can make it really hard to quit, and too easy to slip over the edge if you're not careful. I may have, but there are signs that I didn't.

But I can say since yesterday morning's definite slip, I've not noticed any downside, or low energy, or crash feelings at all. Which is pretty good considering I had gone for seven days without one. The last times I returned to orgasm I felt a huge crash for about three days or so. This time, I feel great, energized, and my body won't stop feeling really good.

So, at this point, I'm not sure what to think. My only theory as to why is I only had one E/O, and it wasn't the sharp rise to a peak and then crash. And it is possible my relax method prevents some of the consequences too, even when you do slip past the point of no return. It could be because the orgasm when you do have it, isn't a peak since you've been near the peak for several minutes.

Even though I thought maybe I slipped about thirty minutes ago or so, it still felt highly sensitive with feeling when I checked it again. And so far I simply feel wonderful. No crash. Could it be I've stumbled upon how to have your orgasm and avoid the crash too? I don't know. This could be a fluke as well. I'd have to duplicate the experience. But so far, I'm just wondering how long this highly sensitized state will last. One part of me wants it to continue indefinitely. The other part wants it to go away so I can get back to trying to get to the other side of 2 weeks.

At least I feel great. Except I think my penis is getting tired. I know I should let it get some more rest, but these feelings are highly addictive. But I should at least go through tomorrow not touching, if for no other reason than to say "no," and ensure even in the midst of mind-altering pleasure I can still have some control.

But my mind says, "You don't get this opportunity very often...YOU CAN'T PASS THIS UP!"

*Sigh* Where have I heard that before?

I might need to seriously think about checking into some of those solo practices. Some of them are undecipherable to me, I have no clue what they are wanting me to do. Others, at least have some normal instructions that I might be able to use.

That said, the feelings don't seem as strong as they were yesterday, though they are still very "full body" feeling, which for me are the best kind. The feelings are still pretty strong, just not as high as yesterday. I think maybe the cycle is starting to head down? On day 4.5, no less. If the testosterone spike on day 7 has anything to do with this, I think it must be an indirect cause. That T spike must kick in some other hormone or chemical which turns on the juice. But in previous periods when I masturbated to orgasm every day, sometimes twice a day, after abstaining for a week, the really good feelings were usually over by the third day, and and I felt drained and listless. Here we are on day 5 after the feelings were turned on, and it still feels very, very good. And my energy level feels better than ever.

Differences I can see between my crash times and this time around when coming off a week of no stimulation:

Crash: multiple full on ejaculatory orgasms per day.
This week: several minutes of stimulation, multiple times a day, but not orgasming, except for sure once, maybe one other time.

Crash: orgasms were pump till you pop. No pauses on the way to the top, just build, build, until it explodes.
This week: Surfin the waves, riding high, and the one time I orgasmed, I sort of slid over the edge.

I could go on, but I've got to leave for work. Lunch break is over. So I'll come back to it. Later.

Crash: Ran for the cliff and leaped over the abyss, full commitment.
This week: stood on the edge and once slipped to fall over, but still feels as if I caught a branch and pulled myself back on top. I went over, but the consequences didn't seem to completely match normal past-the-point-of-no-return orgasms I've had in the past. It could be even though I didn't stop a definite orgasm feeling from peaking, and ejaculate coming out, the relax of the body may have absorbed the full impact of the orgasm and lessened its effects.

So it's possible one or a combination, or other differences I've not picked up on yet, caused the orgasm I had this week to not have sent me into crash mode. That said, I'm counting the two weeks from 6/8 now, just to make sure I know I'm past that point when I start noticing how thins are going and how I feel.

It is the case that I still feel overall good, more energy, and feeling well. The sexual feeling has died down somewhat, at least last time I checked. Not nearly as good as earlier this morning. No orgasm today. Onto day 11 of this experiment, and day 3 since orgasm.

A very interesting second week, and not what I expected at all.

The feelings have felt better today than yesterday. I was expecting them to continue downward. Instead, they seem to have bounced back up. No where near the level they were earlier in the week, but still pretty strong.

Despite that, I've actually messed around less today. Partly been too busy. Partly because my wife slept in today, not having a job to go to. So I wasn't alone when I woke up. And I've been busy this evening.

Energy levels still up pretty good, despite not getting as much sleep as I should have the previous two-three nights. I still find it curious that Tuesday morning's slip over the edge hasn't had any noticeable negative consequences, and I'm left wondering what it means.

But I'm interested in finding out something. If the orgasmic feeling level follows what happens when I don't even touch for a week, despite some stimulation this past week (though in all but one case, not leading to full orgasm, and even in that one case it doesn't seem it hit fully), then sometime Monday would be the sixth day since that Tuesday morning incident. I'll be interested to see if the orgasmic level jumps back up on Monday at some point despite this week's stimulation. It might indicate whether the total absence of stimulation contributes to that big jump in feeling on day 6-7, or if it is the actual result of having a full orgasm past the point of no return, triggering the chemical cycle. If the later, the orgasmic feelings should rise drastically sometime Monday, and the orgasmic feeling should feel very muted on Sunday and early Monday. If the former, I should notice little to no rise in feelings, though I'm not sure what the

But that's also dependent up whether that orgasm Tuesday was a full dopamine-spike, prolactin kickin' in and dopamine dropping orgasm. There are some characteristics of it that lead me to believe it didn't trigger that cycle. Which if true, would mean that this coming Monday would be day 14 on the post-orgasmic cycle. I suppose I'll also be noting if things start feeling significantly better around and after that time, in the event Tuesday's incident didn't trigger the post-orgasmic cycle.

Should be fun! But at least I didn't have a real crash feeling since Tuesday, like I did the other two times. We'll see.

tomorrow. So far, feeling pretty good overall.

Nothing major to report. The feeling level, as indicated before, has dropped from earlier in the week, but his weekend I can't say it has really died off to nothing either, like it did after abstaining for five days. Today I should be nearly dead feeling, but I'm not. It's day 5 since the Tuesday orgasm that may not have been, and I'm still feeling very good orgasmic responses to stimulation. Not outstanding, but better than average.

If this remains consistent over the next couple of days, and I don't experience the big upsurge in orgasmic feeling I've felt the last couple of times when I've abstained, it would be an indication that Tuesday wasn't a full-blown orgasm, but something mediated it to a lower level, which would jive with some of the other lack of indications I had that it wasn't a full orgasm. Or it could just be a fluke this time around too. Hard to say.

But I'm going to go back to little to no stimulation for this coming week. For at least two reasons. One, obviously, is to make sure none of this is messing with my primary goal of finding out what life is like in the balanced state of existence. I may be experiencing that this coming week if none of these events have set off the post-orgasmic cycle (and based on my sense of things, I seriously doubt they have). Then again, it will be hard to know how I might feel if I hadn't been stimulating myself, often close to the edge, over the past several days. While not hitting that post-orgasm cycle, surely the stimulation and pleasure raises the dopamine levels higher than normal, triggering either receptor loss or a halt to the renewing of them. That possibility could explain some of this, as moderate dopamine levels wouldn't create a big crash, so the lack of a post-orgasmic cycle may be due to the daily (sometimes several times a day) dose of slight increase in dopamine.

But two, because it will be interesting to find out if I stop now, will I experience that same abstinence cycle in this next week as I usually do when I totally hold off? If day 5 of this next week has me feeling dead, but sometime on Saturday it kicks back into that high state, it might be an indication that the stimulation I've been doing has had some effect.

Plus, I still have time this month to totally abstain for two weeks, and have a few days after that to see how I feel and what I experience. So I feel time might be running out if my experiments have restricted or delayed "balanced" results. And the only way I can make sure they haven't is to avoid them for two weeks. So, that's what I'm going to do.

Another interesting week, and I look forward to another one. Should be fun.

Today, six days since last Tuesday, the orgasmic feelings have kicked in big time again.

In testing it out to know, I had to force myself to stop, which wasn't easy. It felt that good, I wanted to keep going and going.

But, I now at least know that while there wasn't the usual post-orgasmic downsides to Tuesday's orgasm, it appears I'm having the same feeling kick up on day six as I did for all the other periods of abstinence times I've had. And it means the other times where it was a close call, was just that, a close call.

But, that's good news. It means if I can get past this week without another orgasm, I should get into "balanced" territory by next Tuesday. Then I'll have a full week and a half to note the changes, if I last that long.

So, still planning on not stimulating it for this week. It may be harder, but I'll simply keep myself busy with other things, like my novel.

But I have still stimulated some. Sort of the opposite of what I said I'd do. But the good news is still no orgasm so far. So I'm about eight days along since the last orgasm. It was this day last week I ended up slipping over the edge. Today I did a little twice, but nothing close to full orgasm. Otherwise been staying busy and such. Family went to see Karate Kid tonight, and enjoyed that.

Energy levels seem to remain consistently high/normal feeling. No sense of dragginess that I had in previous weeks. Hard to tell personally if I'm more energetic than I was masturbating regularly, but I think so. But I'm hoping to tell something more definitive after next Tuesday.

So far, doing good.

Yep, today I believe I've definitely made it to day 14 of no orgasm.

So, now I'm balanced! (Just don't ask my wife that question.)

I feel some good energy overall so far. Last week I've felt quite "normal" and good. Last night I went to bed early simply because I didn't get much sleep the night before. Which is why I'm up early and on here before heading out to work.

So, I'm going to try and post more frequently over this next week and a half, to see if I can evaluate any differences or improvements, etc., that I've noticed. It will also be interesting after my first orgasm with my wife to notice any changes then as well. But for this stage, the idea is to finish out the month with no orgasm and take note of the changes I can detect.

Oh, as far as sexually, I feel some decent feeling upon stimulation. It would seem that it cycles around 7 days no matter what. Maybe it is like waves, where you have natural swells and dips, but nothing like the dip after orgasm. But like the last two days I didn't even bother my friend down there. Partly because I've simply been too busy. Partly because the sexual energy was simply lower at that point. But it is back up today.

Anyway, will try to take note this week on what I'm noticing, and post here. The experiment has begun.

Strange, wasn't what I was expecting, but so far, I feel drained of energy and unmotivated. Not sure why.

I mean, it's lunch and I sit staring at the computer, not feeling like doing much of anything other than laying down and taking a nap. But I can take too long of one, because I need to go back to work soon.

The last couple of days, while I've felt pretty energetic during the day, at night I feel really tired and hard to focus, not wanting to do anything well before midnight. Monday I chalked it up to not getting enough sleep the night before. But same thing happened Tuesday, and now Wednesday and I'm already feeling that way. It's like something has caused my dopamine to drop and/or the prolactin to rise. But I've hardly done anything last few days, barely even any stimulation, much less getting close to orgasm.

Maybe this is some final balancing out of the system. I'm sure not everyone takes exactly 14 days to get back in balance.

Sorry for not making it back here over the past few days. But things have been busy for one. And the other is my experiment has taken a turn and I wanted to figure out where this was going. I probably should start a new thread, since I think I'm shifting into the next step already. Here's the beef.

Wednesday, I ended up playing around. Some of my sensitivity returned and it felt good. I played around for a while, but came close a couple of times. Then on the third time, I went one nudge too far and could tell that my normal relax technique didn't stop an orgasm. Another slide over the edge orgasm. Most all the signs were there that indicated it wasn't a near miss, including it didn't feel very good to continue stimulating it afterwards. This happened at the end of day 15 since the last one. So I'd had two orgasms in June.

Well, so much for my experiment of what I would note after 14 days without. I got in one days worth. . And, with only a week left to go, I didn't have any time left in this month to go another two weeks.

So, I had two options at that point. I could go for another two weeks and see if I could do better, or save it for a later date.

While I gave that consideration, I decided to try a test since I'd already blown it. The last time I slid over the edge on an orgasm after not having had one for over a week, in the early part of the month, I didn't notice any significant "crash" like I did the other two times. For those who've not kept up with my story to this point, I've never noticed any crash after orgasm, even when masturbating daily. Not to say there weren't chemical changes going on that affected me in subtle ways, but I never felt drained of energy, or distant from my wife after sex or orgasm with her. We've usually been close, even when our relationship hasn't been the best. So it wasn't until back in April when I went for a full week without orgasm, and then returned to daily orgasms, that I experienced a real post-orgasmic crash, totally drained of energy, hard to focus at work, etc. In May I went again for another week, and upon returning to daily orgasms, the same thing happened.

But early this month, I slipped over the edge and didn't experience a crash, even though I'd been abstaining for just over a week. And Wednesday night, I didn't notice anything right away either. But I decided I wanted to fully test it out. I wanted to have a full-on orgasm and see what the results were, if I had just that one and no more. So Thursday morning I did it, and honestly it felt good to let it go after holding back for so long. Slipping over the edge orgasm is a real orgasm, but the peak feeling level is not the same. Which is why I wanted to try this, because I wondered if it was the intensity of the orgasmic peak that had anything to do with the crash after having gone so long without.

I successfully stopped with that one orgasm, and did no more. And I felt pretty normal energy wise. Went the rest of the day Thursday and all day Friday without any feelings of energy loss or crash. Which surprised me a bit, because I figured it was the intensity that might be a bigger trigger. A bigger high would expect a lower low. But that didn't seem to pan out.

Note: I'm simply relating my own experiences here. Because I'm experiencing these things doesn't necessarily mean you will too. Each of us are different in this regard. Nonetheless, my experiences may help someone.

So what I'm thinking now, is it was not only the return to orgasm that led to the crashes those first two weeks of abstaining, but the number and frequency of them. It's the difference between taking a hammer to those dopamine receptors and taking one wack at them every so often, compared to sitting there and whacking them again, again, and again...every day, nonstop. It doesn't give them a chance to rebound at all. Whereas one every so often at least gives them a chance to rebound, and not get so low that barely any dopamine can make it to the brain.

If true, that means this next step should show that having an occasional orgasm with my wife would not be a negative for us. Now, I'm about to put that to the test.

And that test appears to have started early. Friday night, she comes to me and says, "Can we have sex tomorrow morning? Please?"

For those who have followed my blog, you know how infrequent this is, that she comes to me begging for sex. Unlike me, she'd been a good girl, not having an orgasm once this month. I'd had three. Which is much better than twenty, so I certainly have accomplished something. And I went over two weeks, which I haven't done in years. Another accomplishment worth considering.

So I told her about my slip up Wednesday. And because my next step was scheduled to start in just a few days, and I wouldn't make it for another two weeks before then, I decided we'd start the next step Saturday. Which we did and it was wonderful. Oh yes, the sex was good and the orgasm great (I think she really enjoyed hers a lot), but I think for me what I really enjoyed was the desire in her eyes, for me. She really wanted me. I think my ego likes that.

Which answered one question I had hoped this month would answer: would my abstaining result in her increased desire for me. Though I'd seen no indication of that before Friday, it appears the answer is yes. She didn't want to wait, and was practically begging me for sex. If I hadn't slipped over the edge Wednesday, I probably would have been hesitant to give in. But, I did, so I figured why not start in early on the next stage. I'll have to revisit this experiment again at a future date, yet to be determined. Maybe August. We'll see once I'm finished with this stage.

So, here's my evaluation of step 5.

For the first time, I didn't reach my full goals. I came close, in that I did go past two weeks without orgasm. But just barely, giving in on day 15. Should have known better, but I did. In my one day past two weeks, I still struggled with some energy let down I'd experienced over the past few days, and I couldn't identify why. It may have been my body doing some final adjusting before getting into balance. So I don't know that I actually accomplished getting fully into balance, but I came really close. So I met that goal, but the real goal was to get beyond those two weeks and spend a week or more experiencing the "balanced" life beyond that, to determine how it might improve my outlook, energy, etc. I don't feel I spent enough time post-two-weeks to really get a sense of that. So I'll need to make another run for it in the future to find out.

What I did gain from it, however, is the following.

One, I only had three orgasms in one months time (well, counting with my wife Saturday, actually four, but only three from masturbation). I think the last time I had as few or less orgasms was as a twenty-something when I went for a month without. That would have been back in the 80s, just to give you an idea. So while I didn't reach my initial goal, I feel the drastic reduction in orgasms over the period of time was nearly unheard of in my history with this addiction. That means I've done a lot to gain control over it. While I did slip a couple of times (the other two being fully intentional), that they didn't result in binges was a definite victory, and only twice in a month is way . That means I controlled myself much more frequently than I didn't. Most certainly something to build on.

Two, I do feel more confident now that I can control this. If I continued over the next few months with only a slip up here or there, I would have pretty much reached my initial goal, which was to gain control over what felt like a runaway train with no brake on it. Back in January, what I did this month would have been unthinkable to me. What a difference half a year can make!

Three, my wife still wants me. She said she missed me and begged for it. I don't know, but that was simply a good feeling for me. I guess it is great to feel so desired and wanted. But I've rarely had her begging. At most she'd usually indicate she wanted me and that would be it. But she knew I was abstaining and so she was reduced to begging.

Four, I think I've learned more about how my brain thinks and my triggers. The two slip ups were due to pushing too close to the edge. When you've been able to do that and succeed in not going over the line, you get to be a bit self-confident and take bigger risk, until it goes just a tad too far, and you can't pull it back. I think it helped to do that in that I could satisfy some of the desire and keep it from becoming this intense "I've got to have it" feeling. Some of my going for so long without I could probably attribute to it. But I'd noticed toward the end that it was becoming increasingly unsatisfying. I felt inside how great it would be to just let 'er rip and not play this cat and mouse game with orgasm. While I have great control, it isn't fool proof. I have to know my limits and not let myself get to the point where I'm pushing the line.

Five, I think I've successfully hinted at what I had hoped to find out in this next step. That I could have an occasional orgasm, that if spaced far enough apart, I would not experience the crashes like I did after those first two weeks of abstaining.

So here I sit, Sunday evening/Monday morning, not having had an orgasm or even played with myself since Saturday morning's orgasm with my wife. Normally by now I would have masturbated later Saturday afternoon or evening, and then again this Sunday afternoon. But I've not done so. I've not binged, or really felt a need to. And after we had sex Saturday morning, I felt really close to her. We cuddled for a while after sex, and kissed some more. It was a great time, and I love her so much.

And so far, no crash feelings from that orgasm either. So I seriously feel I've accomplished some things this past month, even though it wasn't exactly what I had set out to accomplish. So now I'll start my next step's thread, and lay out what I hope to discover in the month of July, as I turn 50. Yeegads! .

July should make it clearer just how much control I do have, or don't. I know I've gained much more than I had. We'll see if I can keep from binging when we have sex, and if I can refrain in between, no matter how long it is between orgasms. I think it would be great if I saved it all up for her, and made her my addiction.

It will also be interesting to see whether doing that will increase her desire to want it more often than normal, barring any strange things getting in the way, like getting sick or something.