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Week 4
Day 22
Not too much in the way of urges, but when I get them, they are pretty strong. Unfortunately, its hard to follow the progress of my cognition in relation to withdrawals because Im still in recovery from the concussion, but my mood isnt terrible. Still foggy, but it feels like each day Im returning back to my old thinking habits a little more. My main priority has been rest, even if I feel lazy, rest is the best thing right now.
Right now Ive got so much on my mind with starting a new job and trying to recover, that I havent had sex on my mind that much. Im also pretty sure that getting over that first hump has something to do with it. I was starting to get there before the injury. In a lot of ways, my cognition feels foggy like the withdrawal days, like the limited perception, grayer world, less "big thoughts", low motivation. But I also know that Im resting and isolating for most of the day and that always gives me those symptoms.
- Rockhardington's blog
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Comments
So glad
to hear you're recovering. That was a scary chapter, eh?
hey JR im glad to here you
hey JR im glad to here you made it so far!! i remember having really low moments even past the month mark but in these past 3 weeks i have been feeling pretty consistently well. you should try to plan some events to hang out and socialize. did you already head back home to your families? how is the reunion going?
Good to see youre hanging in
Good to see youre hanging in there too. Socialize like no tomorrow!
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Yes, Im getting the whole
Yes, Im getting the whole roller coaster thing. It always seems that way for a little while. My cognition is just dull right now too from the concussion, but its getting better. No, Im not going home after all. I am really needing to work. I was around people tonight at work, but my social anxiety was pretty high. I felt trapped in my mind and pretty socially anxious. Probably from all of the isolation Ive been doing. My fantasy got sparked because there are two girl co-workers that I am attracted to. Im going to take it easy and not get into my head over them because we are going to be working together every weekend for a while.
Im also feeling that manic over abundance of energy tonight too. Hopefully I can find a good way to siphon that off tonight.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Day 23
Definitely feeling the emotional stuff come up today. I get a lot of raw energy that I dont know what to do with. It feels a little manic at times. I seem to feel this way after the heavy 2 week withdrawal period. Maybe its just me forming new habits and making new pathways and learning how to deal with old triggers.
I had a nocturnal emission last night. It might have been from my body being ramped up from the bonding the other night. The bonding itself was fine, but I did push it in the sensual/sexual direction and ended up with blue balls. Its still difficult to be close with a woman and not feel sexually charged, but I need to learn how if I am to relate to women closely and still remain sober. It might be that we were taking things too fast, it seems like she is craving closeness and touch as much as I am. She also uses sex to entice me. She will text to me things like "we have the entire house, come over" and she will purposely touch her breasts against me when she talks to me and comes close to me. Just when I start to lose interest in her or start changing my mind, there are her breasts against me. It sucks me back in. I am not interested in her and my addict just wants sex with her, so its a bit of a battle. I would just have sex with her, but I see all of these strings and expectations attached. I know from past experiences, I can be guilted or shamed into staying with someone longer than I want based on this dynamic. I consider this kind of atmosphere toxic for my recovery because I am trying to free myself from these kinds of entanglements. We are simply not on the same page and I am not going to fall for a hidden contract. If it felt like there were no hidden expectations, then maybe sex could happen safely, but I dont think it would be a good idea for myself at this point. Plus, Im am liking the being orgasm-free state right now and I dont want to risk it with someone I dont want to get involved with.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Yes,
it's a new skill for you. Keeping a generous mindset seems to help.
Day 24
Brand new skills. I think Sooty had his own toolbox.
Started my job today and it went well. Its a very easy job and I get to spend a lot of time talking to people. Its great because Im not trying to solicit, its a free service we're providing, and people generally want it. I noticed something terrifying my first day though. There are a lot of lonely older people out there. They are the most receptive because they want to talk to you while you are at their house. It works out pretty good because I want to talk to them. I had a few bonding experiences with older people today and it was pretty nourishing. Also, Im around a younger and lively workcrew. Its a good situation. Already made a bunch of friends and going to a bbq tonight. I kind of needed this right now, I need to stay social.
No real urges today, everything is kind of steady for now. A little mental/nervous energy, but nothing overwhelming. I was a little nervous today being around so many people at lunch, but I joined in their activities and games. I have always put myself as the "outsider", I thought it would be "gay" if I went and did what everybody else was doing. I can do these things without it being a big deal, in fact these things that "other people are doing" are opportunities for me to try new things, form bonds with other people, and earn their trust. All important things. I used to be such a cynical and isolated person. Geez, relax and play a game of hackey sack without it turning into a mental dilemma!
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
*giggle*
Sounds really perfect for you. You're such a neat guy in so many ways. I'm glad you're open to sharing yourself with others more.
Day 25
Stayed focused today without much downward spiraling. I was trying to connect with people as much as I could. I wasnt feeling that sociable, but I managed. Im enjoying having the chance to be social at work. I really like my mind without so much of the roughness right now. Its a bit of a relief. Im still cloudy from my concussion, but Im improving a lot.
Im going to put being social as a priority. I go into many different people's homes. I can see the difference in social people and unsocial people. Its like night and day, I see people with good relationships and bad ones. Its like a peak into their lives. Its a weird thing, but it gives me a lot of ideas about what I DONT want as much as what I DO want. I need to force myself to get around people and stay around them.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
hey JR thats great that your
hey JR thats great that your getting out more!! you took the words out of my mouth literally when you say that your going to make socializing a priority. i feel the exact same way. however i think i might have over socialized this weekend...didnt get home from a party till 5:30 in the morning on sun n its kinda thrown my sleeping n eating habits off....i guess with time ill learn how to have a better balance.
Sounds like you're
making up for lost time.
What else are you doing this summer? How's it going with those men in your life??
Thanks, yes, less isolation
Thanks, yes, less isolation is so much better. I guess you could have been up late wasting your time with worrying or any number of isolated things. Glad to hear you are getting out and experiencing things.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Day 26
A dip today for sure. Started getting worried about money and that put me in an anxious depressed state. This girl I had been hanging out with offered me a room in her house to stay with her until I catch up. Its terrifying because she wants a boyfriend real bad. I dont feel that way about her, but I like her comfort and closeness. I get stressed when I think about it. I know its a bad idea, but I was supposed to be out of my place now a week ago and she is offering me a free place. The whole situation feels terrible. I am working a little right now, but not enough, jobs are pretty scarce where I am right now but I keep looking. Being stressed like this and having her around acting sexual is a bad combination for me. It would be easy to give in because she is trying to "hook" me. I really hate feeling this way, but I want to hold onto my sobriety right now because that is something that is positive in my life right now.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Jr, would you re consider
Jr,
would you re consider going home to family's for the summer. personally it doesn't sound like a good idea to stay in your female friends house. Do you have any male friends that you can think of that you could give a shot asking to stay with and that will not threaten ur sobriety either?
Id like to go home, but its
Id like to go home, but its not a good idea. Im beyond broke and I need to stay and work and find a place to live for next semester. Its going to be very difficult and expensive to go. I just do not have the means to do it.
Arrgh, I know, its the last thing I want to do. We went on a drive today and she was talking about how she wanted to get a house together on the beach. I hardly know this person. I told her that I do not want a relationship or anything right now, but then she'll get closer to me.
I think she might be able to understand the things that I say, but she doesnt seem like she is healthy enough to really put down the obsessive thoughts and maintain any other kind of relationship. I got depressed just spending the day with her. No, its a horrible idea, but it seems like my only option is to push through it with her. I might be able to establish some boundaries with her so that it doesnt get out of control, but that will be challenging. She wants to help me out, she has the space for me, Im just afraid of her "hidden contracts". I really need to learn to stick by my guns and establish boundaries. Maybe Ill lay it all out to her and tell her my situation in full, if she is willing to help me out under those conditions, then maybe we could do it, if not, then Ill run.
I hate being in this kind of situation. Its seems like life has gotten harder since I have committed to sobriety, but its only because stuff like my mismanagement of money has come back to bite me in the ass. As you know, being in withdrawals most of the time can be pretty nauseating and disorienting.
I also remember getting a pretty heavy dip around this time too if Im remembering right. The last times Ive maintained, I seemed to get pretty mental right when it seemed like the worst of my withdrawals were over.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Any chance
of focusing on what you could do for her...other than give her the sex she craves? Could you see yourself as a good force in her life, a healthy "brother?" It's possible to exchange lots of healthy affection between the sexes without getting sexual. It may even help stabilize you both. Honest.
Day 27
Yes Marnia, that seems like the only sane solution to this. She is going through some readjustments too. She wants to lose herself in romance, but she is also going through a stage where she wants to add more health into her life. It might be a situation where we have non-sexual/romantic bonding, but Im definitely going to have to be the one to set the tone. It could stabilize us both.
I feel like Im fighting an uphill battle with all of this depression. I seem to feel this way a lot during my sober bouts- All of my neglectful habits catch up to me and Im dealing with an uphill battle while I am not in withdrawals. I cant say that Im the most efficient and on top of it while in withdrawals, but I dont know what else to do. Addiction is brutal and coming out of it is brutal too. I wish that when I stop, the world immediately gets brighter, my motivation is in full swing, and my mind and moods are efficient. But its not like that, when I stop, its time to do even more work and start getting at my moods, emotions, and thinking habits. Im sticking with my lists and keeping somewhat busy right now, but my energy is low and letting in an even small amount of negative thinking can send me into a downward depression spiral. Im trying my best to stay on top of my mind right now. Im doing healthy things and keeping from total inertia, Ive got a cap on my internet time, Im meditating on the days Im not working, Im doing minimal exercise and eating decently.
It is a tough task to forge new pathways for so many life habits all at once, but it needs to be done. Seeing how many habits are tied together in both thinking and action, there really is little choice, they need to be handled simultaneously. I know if I binge on sugar, I am likely to binge on O. My binging behavior needs to be stopped whether its a binge in isolation, sugar, O, or whatever. My old habits are slowly being replaced by new habits in my thinking, but the depression is being stubborn. I know the meditation is helping a little, and when I move close to school I I will start my gym workout with regularity again and I know these will help. But the foggy depression brain doesnt want to let up yet and Im trying everything to keep it from taking over my thoughts.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
I know you probably do not
I know you probably do not want to hear from me or care what I think.
You sound better than you ever have to me.
Wishing you well
Be Safe
James
JR, Binging is a real
JR,
Binging is a real problem for me also. i havent been able to jump back into my healthy eating routine since i started eating sugar this weekend. ive just been eating loads of sugar. maybe i need to take sugar out of my life for good. its like a drug for me.
since I got back from my
since I got back from my trip I have been able to stay away from junk food.
Well after viewing those images yesterday I ate a large section of raw cookie dough. I know that has to be one of the worst things in the world. If I were in my own place (working on it
) I would not have such things in it. I just had no self control after about the sugar fat. At least I drank homemade almond milk with it 
. I see how connected all the stuff is. It is like a drug.
Have you thought about
what you could reach for instead? I find that when I'm changing my diet, it helps to have something else that I at least *kind of* like on hand. In my case, I've often found that good quality raw pecans or walnuts do the trick...if I can just try a few as soon as I have a craving for sugar.
Also, don't forget about that Shangri La diet, that Quizure mentioned. It seems to ease cravings, too. http://www.sethroberts.net/
So it is just eating less ?
So it is just eating less ? that is all I can tell. I can eat less without help from the book. I suppose if I starve myself I will lose weight makes sense to me. do not eat lose weight.
WARNING if you click on the link there may be a sexy image on the side do not want to be responsible for a relapse.
http://www.dietsinreview.com/diets/Shangri-La_Diet/
found this explaining it a bit.
Oh yeah on the link you gave I went to the forum. people talking about it taking weeks to start working. Is that not caused by starvation. The body goes into starvation mode and stores the few calories it can get. Of course it can only do this for a short time. Then it has to start burning those calories. That is when I would guess the weight starts to go. few spoons of oil and some sugar water a day will have you losing weight no doubt. I do not need to be an expert or know anything about the body to figure that out.
Hopefully Quizure
will respond, as she has actually used the diet. I think the idea is that it settles the cravings with the kind of calories the body is looking for (oil and sugar) in small quantities, and then you can eat as much as you wish of "boring" food. So you don't have to fight yourself.
I've never tried it.
Shangri-la
The 'trick' is that flavorless calories. In the simplest form, you take one or two tablespoons of flavorless oil when you have not eaten or tasted anything for 1 hours before, and will not for one hour after taking the oil. Some people take it at night, some in the morning. Some people 'nose clip', and use some highly nutritious but tasty oil, like flax. Either way, they're getting a shot of calories without the trigger of the food being tasty.
What I experienced was the ability to forget about food entirely. I actually had to be reminded to eat. Then when I did eat, I got an "I'm done" feeling way sooner, so I could just eat less. And sweet things began tasting way-too-sweet, so a little bit satisfied any desire for sweet food. It made it much much easier to make healthy choices when eating.
The part I don't understand is how it lowers the set point, but for me it did. I did not gain the weight back. And it's been 5 years - I am not however at my ideal weight. So I have decided to go back on the diet. I'm using the refined organic coconut oil from Spectrum.
Kinda seems like a sneaky Karezza for food - you consume the food in a non-dopamine inducing way, and it soothes your cravings.
Quizure
"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me." - Gretchen Kemp
First of all, thats not
First of all, thats not true. I miss our conversations and mutual support. If there is going to be any misunderstandings, its going to surround our personal beliefs surrounding sex and relationships. I appreciate your reaching out, it speaks volumes about your character.
I should be better than before, Ive been struggling with this for years now. Its inevitable despite the dips. I wish I felt better, but sometimes it takes a little while for the way you feel to catch up to your habits.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
"The way you feel to catch
"The way you feel to catch up with your habits." yeah I understand that completely.
I havent felt this way in a
I havent felt this way in a little while, but it has come up again tonight. I recognize it as loneliness. It started as a desire for porn, but I just know where that leads, after a while I realized it was loneliness. I wasnt really connecting with people today. I felt a little isolated, even though I was around people. I went to go watch a basketball game on tv at a restaurant and I struck up a short conversation about basketball with another guy there and we bonded based on being fans of the same team, but I just felt really cut off from other people. My depression wasnt as bad today as it was the day before, but I could still feel the stress welling up. I had a pretty low-grade headache for most of the day which I recognize as depression headaches.
On a good note, Im not really longing so much for a romance or sex right now. This is a major improvement in my life. I almost feel a little too androgynous right now, but Ill take that over my out of control former life any day. I feel like I have too much to focus on anyways. I have pressing personal matters to deal with both monetarily and emotionally. I stay open, but Im not feeling the need to take risks with women right now. There is tons of bonding that can be done outside of romantic relationships. Plus, taking some time to focus on things to help with my depression is going to do me a world of good right now. Its tough juggling school, career ambitions, work, recovery, and relationships all at once. Especially while going through depression.
I used to long for a relationship and all of the romance perks whenever I would see a couple. But lately, its been having the opposite effect. I see things in their relationships that turn me off in a big way. Today I saw a guy and a girl sitting together, it seemed sweet at first, but as I was listening to them talk, it seemed strenuous and eerie. The girl was subtly dominating him and he was on the defensive. I have interacted with this guy before and he seemed anxious. I had the feeling that things were messy, yet at first glance they were close to each other sitting affectionately. I think my perception of things is coming into better focus because I dont need to buy my old personal myth that "if I am in a relationship, I will be happy". I know that sex and romance in the way that I am used to isnt my key to happiness anymore. Ive known this for a while, but Im starting to realize it a lot more now. I hear so many stories of relationship discontent among partners. The passion/romance and the sex are drugs for me and its a real task to learn how to approach them in a healthy way. A lot of my recovery involves learning how to bond with people appropriately.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Day 28
K9 saved my butt tonight. I almost got sucked back in, I was on the hunt but I couldnt find anything stimulating enough and it gave my reason enough time to take back over.
I need to figure something out though. I really need to get control of myself and learn to deal with this woman Im going to be staying with. I went over to her house today to help her clean out the room Ill be staying in. Everything was fine for the first few hours, but she started getting close to me and I was a little aroused, and it just felt plain good to be close to someone, so I didnt resist. My resolve and my defenses eroded and later on we were making out. We did this for a while and it was nice, but I started to get worried, so I brought up my concerns about being intimate with her. I told her about what I was trying to do with abstinence and kind of got a little into the reasons. She was trying to make compromises like how she wouldnt get attached, we could just have a friends with benefits situation, that since she didnt care about not having orgasm she could have many and I could retain. All sounded like pretty good ideas while aroused. I keep telling her things like Im not emotionally available to really get into that kind of thing and we had better just try to be friends. I was trying to tell her that I dont want to just date one person and that Im not looking for a long term partnership, but I think my "unavailable" signs just turned her more on because she started getting more sensual and demanding. She kept going back and forth between wanting to respect my boundaries to wanting what she wants. She is a horny woman and she probably thinks she can wear me down. I told her we should keep it as brother/sister, but she feels that we are past that already. I mentioned that we should be disciplined and it could go back to that.
After leaving, I came home and I felt a little stressed and I reasoned that it would be better to orgasm and get it over with and there will be less pull when I am around her. But that never works, I know it will make me more likely to go through with sleeping with her. I started also thinking about how much I do have going for me with me perception and mood right now and how I jeopardize it with a relapse. I really start to get a kick out of how much better I feel and how centered and "real" I feel when Ive got a little time. I feel empowered and confident when I abstain and I dont want to give that up. I have plans tomorrow with one of my professors and this meeting could open some doors and I dont want to mess that up. Despite some of the downsides to my mood, I have a lot of fundamental improvements in my life right now from sobriety that I dont want to give up.
The sad thing is, if I were more attracted to this girl, it would be on. I probably wouldnt be heard from in a while here, but it just didnt happen that way.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
again you sound good to me.
again you sound good to me. Tell me how many guys do you know that could have walked away from that ?
You have been at this long enough. Maybe you can wear her down.
You did not have an O from what I am reading. Think about that for a bit. Of course you thought about it and started down the path but you did not. I think you are closer to that balance you want than you might think.
Be Safe
James
It can help you abstain to
It can help you abstain to resist a girl. I don't know how that works but that is my experience.
I havent walked away from it
I havent walked away from it yet, but Im working on it. No, I managed to not have an O. It was pretty hard because I was all ramped up, but I weighed it against the benefits and my reason finally one for once.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Day 29
I was glad to resist last night and I had benefited today with a decent day. The little good things can start to gain appeal and do actually have some pull. I need to keep reminding myself of the good things I have instead of obsessing over the bad things happening. I went to meet with my old professor from last semester and saw his students give presentations. It was a good social experience because I was meeting faculty and other students involved in the research and possibly gained some opportunity to be more involved in their projects. Seeing these professors doing something that they enjoyed reminded me of why I wanted to work hard to get into a career that is meaningful and fulfilling. They were enjoying their work and did it with passion. Im not even sure if its work to them, they act like its a hobby. It was also good to keep in touch with my professor because he seemed a little weird with me last semester. Things were pretty easy-going today, but I saw his stress related to something else. I think his shame came out in other ways and it might be something that he himself is working with. But we were fine as far as me and him today.
I am excited about moving, but I am terrified about things. I am working really hard to get out of my situation right now. Im trying not to feel overwhelmed or depressed. Its a challenging time to be dealing with this right now, but last time it was school work, the last time it was a relationship. There is no convenient time to do this and go through this healing. I do know that my state of mind is better than it is while Im active in my addiction and better than while Im in complete withdrawals. I have the emotional stuff, but its getting better.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
That's great
that you got a further glimpse into your professor's life. The move sounds like an excellent chance to build some new muscles. Good luck!
Yeah I am slowly learning
Yeah I am slowly learning that the hard way. The no convenient time to go through the healing. If we wait till we are better it just will not happen. We either push through the mess and get to the other side or just stay where we are. It hurts and I hate it and it terrifies the hell out me but I am doing my best to do things that I would not have done before. It is slow for me but I am getting to some things.
I still isolate way too much. It is just my current situation is hurting that a good bit. I know it is an excuse but I can not get around it right now.
so much crap in my head to deal with right now also.
You are doing well though. I hope the move goes well also.
Be Safe
Thanks for the reminder. I
Thanks for the reminder. I dont think I can hear it enough times. Just need persistence and resolve. I have a feeling that some of the pathways that I am creating are the first time they have been forged. Its a pretty drastic change. I have been feeling this way for a while too. It feels like a lot of my thoughts, creativity, etc., was "locked" into my old way of thinking. My new thinking can easily slip into the old ways, but its becoming less and less of a reality and possibility. I cannot believe that I did not slip last night. Its becoming a new habit to not do those things and to "choose" better things.
I think I will be able to build new muscles with my situation. I am not going to settle for cheap available sex like my old self would. Sooty would say its time, deal with the fallout later. No way, I deprive myself of myself and my actions would hinder mine and hers attempt toward real relationships. I would definitely be using her for sex if I had sex with her, actually, its not even appealing for casual sex because there is so many romantic/codependent expectations from her. Why would it be fun that way, that doesnt sound casual. But she is trying to bait me on that notion. This is going to be tricky, but I think I can do this.
Shame is trying to keep its head in my business. Shame is compulsory as well and is making itself known through more than sex. I am struggling to find work and its hurting my esteem. Places and programs that like to have students will hire me, but most of the jobs do not like to hire students because school comes first for most people. But they could at least have 3 good, reliable, and quiet/worry free months with a student or go through the normal barrage of hiring and firing. This one place I worked for last summer had an extremely high turnover rate for my position. I worked there, did my job, came to work on time everyday, did this for the summer, gave my two week notice and left. NOBODY gives a 2 week notice for this position. I reapply for the position this summer, they hire a stranger who will probably quit in two weeks by not showing up and have to train another person in a scurry. Wait, I should be happy this dysfunctional place doesnt take me back. Im just in another one of those limbos again. This job was full of unhappy druggies and alcoholics anyways. Come to think of it, that place was more miserable than most other places Ive worked. Its just that I need work very bad right now so I can get my life straight and hurry up to get out of this woman's house. Geez, life can really pile up on you if youre not careful and it has no mercy, withdrawals and life renewal or not, it can be just brutal. Actually, one of the motivations that keeping me on my toes with sobriety is that I need to be coherent to get through some of this stuff right now.
I had a sad dream that my ex was bringing me my favorite food and flowers to give me an apology for disrespecting me. It made me miss her today. Its weird how much dreams can influence or states during the day.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Hmmm
Sounds like you may *exactly* where you most need to be for a little bit, so you can lay down those new non-Sooty pathways you so want to develop. That could be the most important work you do this summer, actually. Once you trust yourself completely to make your decisions using all of your brain
, I think you're gonna be a much calmer, more contented man.
You sound like you are doing well
You sound like your rational brain is getting alot of good exercise. Your observations on other couples is matching what I've started to contemplate.
Although I (my limbic brain) wishes I had a female friend with a spare room like that! Good job on resisting. I have the book the "selfish gene" but it's in my reading queue and haven't got round to it yet, but I understand it talks about life from a gene's point of view, and the more I am observing other peoples behaviours the more gene-spreading-orientated they seem to be without consciously realising it. They would rather serve their gene-spreading dopamine-powered behaviour than be genuinely happy.