Day 4

Last night was really good, I went to my friends house and watched the (disapointing!) England world cup
match, then went to a bar nearby, had a few drinks then into town, had a good night, people were very
friendly with me a few people commented on my resembelence to a video game character, Leon
in resident evil 4, which made me chuckle and I was able to joke with people and got more looks
from women than normal, which really boosted my confidence a lot.
I was flashed by a girl also, I was sat outside having a smoke talking to my friend and she looked at me
and smiled, I smiled back and then she pulled down the top part of her dress! I was gobsmacked, literally.
I don't know if she did it as a dare with her friends/was drunk, but I was really shocked, I tried to not
look, luckily it was very quick (couple of seconds) and only one other person saw, normally I would have
gone and spoken to her, but I tried to avoid her all night, because I have to beat this before I even
think of getting to know a girl better like that.

I'm fairly convinced that not masturbating/orgasming boosts you're attractiveness in some way, I absolutely
do not get this much attention from people when I've been regularly masturbating, or maybe because I've
got my head down and feel awful, I don't notice?
Random people in the pub were also being very friendly with me, i.e starting up conversations, offering to
buy me drinks, etc.

Basically the night I had has boosted my drive to beat this by 110%!
In a couple of hours I'll be going to see a different group of friends, so I'm looking forward to that too!

Thanks for reading

Tell me about it! Haha
No one believed me when I told them, I felt like a bit of an idiot so I just shut up about it, I thought people
may have thought I was lying because it was so unbeliavble and out of the blue, I kept thinking "Did that just happen!?"

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night though, although that was probably because I chose to sleep
downstairs in the living room away from the computer, I was on the sofa which isnt great for sleeping on.
I remember waking up a lot and having two dreams in the last two nights about women I've known in the past,
they were sexual dreams, last nights dream was about a girl who was going to be coming to my friends house today
who I guess I've had a crush on for a while. (She was ill today though)

My parents come back tommorow, but in five weeks they will be going away for another three, coming back
on my FINAL DAY of abstaining, so the last three weeks are going to be tough, stuck in the house
for three weeks on my own, so I'm going to have to make a lot of plans/invite people round often or maybe
even go to the coast with them for a week or two, because there is no internet, no way to view porn,
and I feel peace and serenity over there but there really isnt that much to do, so it could be dangerous
if I go for longer than a week or two, simply because I'll be so bored.

I saw a beautiful girl on the bus today, she was very attractive and I could sort of "see through" her
and see not a sex object; but a person, someone I could have connected with, if that makes sense?
Some of these feelings are a little hard to describe, I haven't had them for about 5 years! It's
like being a teenager again, its incredable.

I've had mostly good days, but I know sooner or later those bad days are going to creep up, I've
just got to stay focused and not lose this drive, I've already messed up 5-6 years of my life, I am NOT
going to let this dopamine surge ruin anymore of it, I'm tired of wasting time fantastizing about what
my life could be like, I'm just going to live it and its going to be amazing, I can tell.

I find myself thinking about having a girlfriend more, not just in a sexual way, but just spending
time with her, flirting, having fun. I've never been in love, so I don't know what it feels like, but
I want to experience it, it must be pretty good, there are countless songs and movies about it!

I'm using the "Red X" technique when thoughts creep up, then I imagine them vanishing from
my head with the Red X still over them, sort of how I used to delete movie clips I'd download
and delete them from my computer, only now I don't feel so low and disgusted with myself, when
they crop up, I shrug them off and get on with whatever I was doing and if I'm not doing
something, I FIND something to do.

My previous attempts at this got me to day 11, I'm just over half-way, but I will reach my mark,
I know it. I'm too stubborn to give up now, I've come this far, so I'm in it for the long haul.

Other people have done this with great success, so I can too.

I did have one more question, if I do enter a relationship when this is over, what is the
right amount of orgasms per week? I don't want to over do it in case the dopamine
goes out of whack again, but I don't want to do it too little in case me or my partner
are not satisfied with our sex life.

Karezza is something I would like to try in the future, but my partner isn't forced to
want to do it too.

Thanks for reading!