Week 6

I was feeling a little stressed when I woke up this morning. I walked up to the park and hiking trail just to get out because I kind of isolated yesterday. Im glad I did. I got some sun, sat out in nature, enjoyed the weather, saw a friend at the park playing basketball, socialized and played basketball with him for a while. We both talked about our situations and bonded. It was good and friendly and relieved a lot of stress. I feel like Ive cleaned out some of the cobwebs from the last couple of days. Im realizing that p/m/o is not really my problem right now, its this tendency to isolate. I dont have very many friends up here, but I keep running into this guy and we get along. I needed some friendship today,
Ive felt isolated for a little while now and this put me into a better mood. Im sure it was good for this guy too. It was nice to do things that I wanted and not have to worry about ladies. I love them, but I dont want my thoughts to be controlled by them and become weak. This poor guy feels the way. His ex girlfriend had him thinking that he had a kid for two years. It wasnt even his, and he worried and raised this kid, while she knew that the kid was from another man! You can bet he is a little relieved not to be dealing with that anymore.

No cravings or anything today, I feel good in myself in that area. I think the key for me is exercise, social bonds, meditation, and good eating. The rest will fall into place and ill reach out to someone not because I need them, but because it feels good and I want to, big difference for me.

Ive been at this abstinence thing for an entire year now! Yep, Ive been keeping track and its been just over 365 days. While on the one hand, its been a brutal year having to go through numerous withdrawals, and for a while, a nice new withdrawal period every 2 weeks and then the ensuing emotional stuff. Its been a tough year on that end, but Ive grown A LOT. Even though my life isnt straight in some areas, I still suffer from depression, Im still stuck in some old habits, overall, Im doing good at a fundamental level. My ability to socialize is better than ever, I can go on a date just fine, I have the option to change my mood and my body with regular workouts, Im a lot less needy in regards to relationships. Im not sure if its from abstention, I do not think its the magic wand, but controlling my sexuality and getting some things straight in this area has opened up the space needed in my life to confront some of these deeper issues. My confidence has increased, I feel better in many ways. Its the beginning for me in many ways, I feel that I have a lot of habits that I need to learn late in life, but I know that I am on track now and I know that my old patterns are dying. I feel good about this and I am hopeful despite dealing with whatever garbage I am dealing with still.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Feeling satisfied. Ive got a busy few weeks because Im changing my plans again. Im going to go see my family after all because I am not happy with my situation right now with jobs out here. Ill return for the next semester. The woman Im staying with has kind of mellowed out for now so thats fine on that end, but I need to go somewhere where I can pick up some work.

Went and played basketball again today and met up with my friend. I started explaining some of this to him and he seemed interested. I never mention orgasmless sex unless the conversation goes there, but I mention other related topics about evolutionary biology and sex. He's been through the wringer with relationships himself, so its usually good conversation. I think male bonding is good practice for eventual relationships because there are a lot of benefits from friendships. I need this right now because Im not really dating, but I need emotional reflection and support from people. I expect my mom and the family will provide the same thing. Im actually craving it now, which is good because Ive never been interested in family stuff, family is BORING compared hot action! Its actually been a factor in my thinking, "well, if I stay here, Im bound to hook-up with someone, there's girls everywhere". But, Im also learning its a sea of frustration if you dont have your life and mind together. My thinking needs to be ruled by rationality, not limbic impulses. Limbic impulses arent going away, but rationality should manage them rather than the other way around.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Interesting night. Went out with this girl and her girlfriends and watched some music. I was the only guy, but I actually had a good time. The girls were doing dirty guy talk and I was laughing. I managed to flow with the conversation pretty well and it was decent. I wasnt overbearing and I didnt want to mess up their girl vibe because they were having fun. I think the highlight was that this one woman, who I am attracted too, brought her daughter and it just kind of changed the vibe in a good way. This little girl was much more present than all the women. It was because she was just acting natural and normal. It seemed like a couple of the women were annoyed at the girl being there because they wanted to talk about dudes and sex, but I was having fun bouncing off this kid. As attracted as I was to the mom, I got a sense of her being emotionally unavailable and shut down with some shame. See seemed interested in hanging out, but I could tell that she wasnt sure about whether or not me and the girl Im staying with are together. Im not going to push it right now anyways, Ive got a lot on my mind and the fact that she seems emotionally unavailable should deter me. However, that exit sign above her head sure is hot. I should run, and I will be, Im going to be leaving soon.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Getting ready to go "camping" while the woman has her "naked bounce time". Whatever, i need to go camping. I woke up feeling a little better. My sleep has been a little more stable since the move. That whole period was just extra stressful. So I guess I will go out and get at it today and enjoy the air.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Camping was refreshing and needed. I arrived at the site with wood, but in the morning it was gone... Im putting my stuff in storage and going camping until I leave to go home to my family. I went by her house today and she was mad that I came by. I wanted to pick up some food from the refrigerator and she got all weird because she told me that she wanted her space. So, Im not going to stay with someone who doesnt want me around and gets weird if I come by to pick up food out of the fridge. Id rather be homeless than to be somewhere where Im not wanted. Im done dealing with this fruitcake. I am going to miss her dogs though. Fortunately, being homeless up here means camping!

Im staying at this girl's house who I know. I kind of liked her, but Im the homeless guy right now and Im not really focused on romance, more like a warm place to sleep and a shower! Actually, I wouldnt half mind if this one attacked me, but she has a boyfriend and my plan is to keep this very sane and . She's at least helping me out out of the kindness of her heart and not because she wants a romantic boy toy. This girl is , I like her mood and she seems pretty healthy. we've met up a few times and we just click pretty good. I was talking to her boyfriend today and it was a little awkward. I like the guy, no doubt, he is nice, but I sense that weakness and insecurity that I used to have. I tried to seem as less challenging as I could to make him feel comfortable, but Im not going to be too accommodating. You cant accommodate craziness, it just grows. Im not going to enhance or spark it either.

Overall, Im feeling fine. No crazy urges or anything, just trying to maintain and deal with day to day stuff. It seems like this is the norm in recovery after a little while. Things become such a struggle, but its a good struggle. Challenging for sure, but I feel "safe" while keeping sobriety.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato