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uhh what day am i at anyway lol
hi everyone, its been a while,
anyway, just stopping through to kinda just give an update to whats been going on in my life. Well, i have kinda been having some stuff going on with a close family member. she kinda disappeared on me recently and has yet to return home. other than that major dilema, things are just kinda "blah".
ive been sucesfull at abstaining from PMO. i kinda lost track of days 
im at roughly 2 and a half months now. july 4th would make me 3 months - an entire season. i have no reason to doubt as of now that i wouldn't be able to make it to july 4th PMO free, and even beyond that.
Other than abstaining, of course which is def an accomplishment, i dont seem to feel like im making any progress in any other aspects of my life. well i have been more physically active as of lately - running every now and then. and i was also lucky enough to hang out with my close friend at the beach on sat - i love the beach, so its always a joy.
one thing that i realized from our beach trip is that my confidence is not where i would like it to be. while at the beach taking pictures, we were approached by 2 handsome men who flirtatiously asked if they could take a pic also with us. and i right away felt that they were trying to come on to my friend. my friend has a bf already and she made it very clear in an indirect way. since she knows im single she pulled a "how bout i take a picture of you guys together" meaning me and one of the guys. i d k why , but i just felt belittled by the episode - i guess because i felt like it became to evident that i was the "single and looking gurl" and because it was evident that my friend was the object of the guys interest.
Anyway, i notice that often though not always, when im around my close friend (and other woman as well), i start to feel insecure about my self and physical appearance especially - and it shows in my body language. my friend is really is very beautiful and is always getting hit on by men. i love my friend to death and i consider her family and to be a beautiful person both inside and out, and very deserving of good things, so i dont tend to experience this insecurity as jealousy towards her, more just as feeling bad about myself. Anyway, i dont consider myself my any means to have perfect symetrical features - i even have a slightly fractured nose.
yet still i know that confidence and self love mean so much more than looks and that if i really was confident and secure i probably wouldn't feel like this despite her getting hit on and i would surely be getting hit on a lot more myself even while i was around her.
umm what else....other than that, nothing else new. im just kinda feeling stagnant in general, like all the life energy in me is just not circulating properly, its just kinda there...perhaps stuck. i feel like ive kinda lost my drive to do things and im just going through the motions. i feel like im so confused with my purpose and who i am. but then again, im not really taking any risks to try anything new and find out what brings me joy.
as well as the relationship department is concerned, im not making any progress what so ever....idk, how do woman take an active role in searching for love. im really not interested in the online dating thing. while i think its a good method for finding somebody, im at the point where i would just like to get to know somebody face to face from the get-go. im on my computer enough as it is. perhaps im sending out unconscious signals that i dont want anybody. im not sure. maybe i still have some issues to work and thats why nobody's come into my life yet. idk.
my meditation routine is also kinda stagnating. i cant seem to do it consistently even if my life depended on it. i have alot of trouble getting up in the morning. ive been overseeping alot. if i dont do it in the early morming, its very hard for me to fit it in later on.
Well thats my report. i would just like to say in closing that despite feeling like i cant seem to get the ball rolling and despite my complete lack of love life, im happy to know that at least im not on a roler coaster ride anymore. at least ive gone beyond the point of being consumed and totally entwined with the hi's and lows of PMO. i know that these current feelings that im dealing with have always been there, yet i if im constantly consumed with chasing a hi, and then trying to recover from it, i'll just keep putting all the other things on a back burner. so i guess, in a way, a space has now been cleared for me to deal with other issues that are vital to my happieness and well being.
- diamondsoul22's blog
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Comments
Thanks for the report
I just saw something on the web that says 1 in 8 couples meet on the Web, so it might be worth a try, even if you don't let your hopes (and time) revolve around it totally.
I'm sure your friend was trying to help, but I can see why it felt awkward. Next time you get stuck in that kind of situation, try smiling in a really friendly way at the guys...as if the whole thing is a big joke, but you do think they're cute. You're right that confidence is more important than nose symmetry.
Have you thought about using some of the solo practices to get your own life force energy moving? They can work for women, too. Maybe PM Lolita, she has had good experience with a chi-moving exercise for women. http://www.reuniting.info/user/2876
If you're near a bookstore, you may also want to have a look at "Healing Love With the Tao" by Mantak and Manewan Chia. It has lots of exercises for women. And this book does, too, and is a lot more modern and user-friendly...although I think it distorts Daoist principles in general. http://www.amazon.com/Multi-orgasmic-Discover-Desire-Pleasure-Vitality/d...
thank u Marnia for the
thank u Marnia for the recommendations. im gonna search up those books and try to see if i find them. im a book worm and love going to barnes and noble and reading self improvement books, so maybe 2morrow ill make a trip to the book store.
I agree that the online dating can be effective. i guess experience and intuition have kind of deterred me from this route. i have the uncanny feeling that i could possibly fall for somebody unavailable. it happened to me once in the past. i met him on the internet, and we ended up having an internet and phone relationship; he was never available in person. we kept in contact for almost 3 years or so; he turned into my drug. i was on AIM and my phone all the time - loosing sleep n everything, and he would tell me the most affectionate things, but we only saw each other in person maybe 2 or 3 times in total. every time we would plan to meet he stood me up. just about every time. im sure this experience is somehow related to the experience of the paternal figure in my life - always standing me up...but in any case, thats the reason why im hesitant to do the internet thing.
however, i think i have matured since that event. it was well over 2 years ago....so perhaps i could give online dating thing a try again in the near future, maybe after i center myself a little more.
hi Guys, well its been just
hi Guys,
well its been just about over 3 months since any PMO.
Im really happy that ive managed to abstain so long, but im kinda get the sense that this creative energy isnt circulating very well. the truth of the matter is that i dont really have the motivation to engage in any kind of creative tasks....sometimes i think i should get bak into art - i used to draw...or take a dance class....or learn tai chi or somthing, but i kinda jus feel inert. but then again, i feel restless at the same time...it sounds contradictory but i really also feel very restless, like i want to do somthing interesting with my time, but nothing seems to captivate me or inspire me enough. the only things that i really have motivation to do thes days are to participate in social activities with friends. but the truth is that they dont happen as frequently as i would like....i guess because i only have a few close friends and we all have different schedules.
I dont know ....i think perhaps that a great deal of my unhappiness when i think about it, comes from not being sourounded by people enough.I live alone, i spent sunday alone, yesturday alone, and im spending today alone as well. Saturday i actually got out with my best friend and her family and we went to the beach and i had such a great time even though she considers her family to be crazy, but still it just felt good to spend quality time with her because i love her so much. Maybe im just feeling starved for social contact. i don't think i have it enough. unfortunatly im estranged from just about all my blood relatives except my mother and brothers but my brother just doesnt care about having a relationship with me. hes the type that only comes around when he needs something. i guess im just frustrated because i feel alone and i feel like theres not much i can do about it....im sure thats far from the truth, but still, when you really dont have family to spend quality time with, your always depending on friends to fill that space in your life which i guess is just not realistic.
Idk, maybe im just feeling in a bad mood right now...maybe my hormones are in fluctuation. ive been feeling the need to binge on food lately. last night i ate way more than i needed to. this morning i woke up wanting to eat a pint of icecream for breakfast. i still havent eaten breakfast because im still in an internal struggle between giving into my icecream cravings and having a more healthy breakfast. i put on my close to go to the supermarket and by ice cream and maybe some cake and corn chips with salsa and cream cheese (i know this is alot) but im still trying to resist the temptation because i know that after i give in ill be in hangover mode all day when i need to be doing things- like cleaning my house....which is what im always doing. i think to myself...go on line and look for better jobs...ive been in the same low paying job over 3 years.....or try to paint somthing.....or memorize some new inspirational passages for my meditation....or finish the book in spanish that i started reading in january but havent touched since. ive been telling myself i want to be fluent in spanish for years but in my free time i dont practice any spanish.....or go to the zoo....somthing, but i just dont feel like doing anything....and this is the case more frequently than not....just not knowing what to do with myself....and im just so frustrated with my self.
Theres been no luck in the romance department....but then again i guess fate isnt going to make mister right magically apear on my door step right? im supposed to be proactive in looking for somebody?.....sometimes i thing, well why dont i ever meet anybody while im on the train or the bus or walking on the street, or in barnes and noble, or when i go to a movie by myself like i did yesturday? idk i guess thats not sufficient enough? well i actually was unlucky to get hit on the other day by an ex con on the bus with a bunch of kids by a bunch of different woman who wanted to me to be his f$%k buddy but thats about it. (btw i dont have anything against ex cons seriously but i do against ones that clearly look at me like im a sex object and not to mention have no intentions for bettering there lives) well actually i bumped into a very nice male co worker of mine on the bus the friday before the friday that just passed us. i also bumped into him on the bus 3 moths ago and i say to myself wow hes nice....i like him. but bumping into him once every few moths on the bus isnt going to get land me a partner or companionship....or maybe ill c him again sooner...idk......
BTW Marnia, i took your advice on that book "healing love with the tao" i ordered it and am awaiting its arrival in the mail.
anyway, im sorry guyz to ramble on so much.
Be well everyone
D
Sounds like you're stuck in neutral
Have you checked meetup.com? Family is great, but sometimes I think our "real families" are the friends we find in life. Tango anyone??
Also, when you're feeling sugar cravings...just try eating some nuts first. Then see how you feel. Often what *seems* like a sugar craving is really a protein craving.
*big hug*
Marnia thats exactly how i
Marnia thats exactly how i feel....stuck in neutral....in this monotonous cycle that i haven't been able to break out of as of yet. i havent checked meetup.com maybe i should
i just asked the oracle
i just asked the oracle "what should i do with my free time"
What is holding me back or causing me pain?
ATTRACTION TO SOMEONE WITH LITTLE TO GIVE
Is there something I need to be alert to in my situation?
PLEASURE-SEEKING
What insight will help me at this time?
, BREATHE
im not sure what the first one refers to. im not attracted to or seeing anybody inparticular right now
the second one makes sense
the third one also makes sense
well 2day was a really kinda
well 2day was a really kinda unproductive n unhealthy day, but also one in which i was able to steer clear from a couple of undesired decisions as well. after bypassing icecream n chips w dip for breakfast and eating a plain yogurt with a vegetable omlet, i ended up eating...a pint of ice cream and chips with dip for lunch, and then chips w dip for dinner. I just gave in to my cravings. i was just feeling very down, stagnant n bored. i literally did nothing all day except watch part of a movie. this is the first time that i do this in a few months now. I then ended up masturbating because i was just feeling so damn horny. that happens alot now a days n i think feelings and fears of not finding somebody get the best of me. the good thing was was that i was able to do it without O'ing and also without using my imagination. i just payed attention to the sensations. i ended feeling pretty satiated afterwards and fell asleep for about 3 or 4 hours. just got up. well i dont kno how this day is going to affect me in the upcoming weeks, but at least it shouldn't be as bad as other binge days in the past. so anyway, i think ill still count myself as on the bandwagon
Little steps in the right
direction are actually big things to be proud of...in the beginning especially.
Did you check Meetup.com? Just in case?