Day 0. Inappropriate women

3 days of camping, cliffdiving, making music, and river rafting with a bunch of guys has an amazing effect. All that garbage left my mind for the last few days.

Thanks for all the words. I'm not going to fret over this or try to find a definite moral solution. The only solution is to gain clarity and pay attention to what behaviors take me away from that.

Yes dano, I share some of the same feelings as you do about pua. Some of guys never learned the ropes from our fathers growing up and need some attitude adjustment.

I can't tell if I'm homeless or camping. I need to do this more often

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Had a few cravings, but overall been too busy to really think about sex. I've been enjoying camping, but I'm coming into town and getting things together for my trip. Things are starting to come together. I'm definitely not feeling hopeless or anything, in fact, I'm pretty content. I've been spending time playing basketball with a group of guys at the local park and then hanging out with them afterwards. It's been good company and it's been satisfying my desire to be with someone. Also, since I've been camping for a week, I've never slept better. I sleep harder and deeper while camping. Getting a big dose of nature can be pretty healing. I'm enjoying the natural beauty of the area in a way that I hoped when moving here.

I am looking forward to seeing my family in a few days. I need this.

Thanks again for the support. We can get some of those social feelings here for sure. This site has made a difference in my isolation at times. I'm trying my hardest to be social now. Even if I meet 100 people and only one of them becomes a friend, then it's worth meeting those 100. I guess it's like dating, were not made for everyone, but we can still learn alot about ourselves in the process. The goal is not a mate or a friend, but the experience of living. I like Deidas take on living to your edge on stuff like this. When we live close to our edge, we are putting ourselves just out of our comfort zone all of the time, it's a good model for social situations.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Been pretty stressed overall with getting things together to travel. A couple of weeks of camping has helped out a lot with keeping my spirits up. It reminds me of how powerful time in nature is as a way to feel connected. I slept so good while camping. Maybe it was the lack of light and stimuli and the cold at night to slow down my body, but it worked. Or maybe it was the weed, who knows. I had a great week. Played basketball with guys, went on a ton of hikes, played with fire, talked to more people in a week than I have in 3 months, made a couple of friends for when I return.

My sexual impulses have been in the background lately, but I know they are there and strong. I notice that Im thrown off a lot more by visuals. Im at the airport and there are a lot of pretty women and it triggers a little bit of the longings. I know that its normal to feel this way after orgasm. Besides that, life is moving forward and I know that just by tending the good habits like sociability, health, nature, etc., I will be able to continue with my progress. I feel like the ball is rolling now in that direction and its getting easier to keep up these things. Being social is becoming second nature now and is a lot less effort. I still get hung up, but Im doing a lot better overall.

Smoking weed was fun this week, but I am reminded of how it used to be a compulsion for me. I dont even think about it that much because I just dont use it, but a lot of my friends were smoking it this week and it seemed like a pretty good time to do it. I had fun, but I am aware of the drawbacks and I do like my mind better without it overall.

This was embarrassing- I arrived at the airport a day early because I caught a cheap ride into Oakland. I was very tired last night and just wanted to sleep. I fell asleep in the terminal and had a wet dream. Im sure that looked . Havent had one of those in a little while, but they do tend to happen now and again. I kind of expect them during the first couple of weeks because my body and mind wants what it wants.

Keeping away the fantasy is helping, but I did want to talk to women when I came to the airport. I am open to it, but my focus lately has been on basic survival matters.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I will never know, but I do not care for the side effects with mj. Some people are fine with it, but it makes me more cerebral and Im that enough on my own. It was fun for a second, fun for camping and spending time with guys who regularly smoke it, but I like my mind better without it. It really hardly does anything for me anyways except make music a lot more interesting and put me to sleep.

Today ended up being a successful day. I could have isolated, but I went on an adventure and explored the town and ended up going to a festival with a friend who was playing at it. It was fun. At first, I was perturbed by all of the pretty women. I started feeling the hankering, sorrow, and longing. I shifted my focus to just being content with making eye contact and smiling and that did the trick. My programming wanted me to mate since its still fresh on my mind, but I need to learn to cycle down and be content with whatever I have and not be so dependent on validation or sex for my happiness. Flipping that switch was what I needed to do. After that, I did start freely chatting with a few women and it was no pressure and relaxing. I felt relaxed, confident, fun, and engaging. Thats more fun for me, I dont have all of this stress and anxiety oozing out of me, it feels very natural when I am engaging and fun. My old programming is hard to break, but these new habits are starting to take hold.

Still waiting for my plane at the airport. I got here too early, but Im enjoying my time in public. Talking to friends on the phone, writing emails, reading, I guess Im indulging that internet addict for a second. I really wish I was still camping though, that was great, felt like a human being for the first time in a long time and worried very little about sex. It was like a vacation.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Seeing my family is going to benefit my recovery a lot i can tell. Even since the last time I saw my mom which was before I started my abstinence experiments, I can tell the difference in my emotional presence with her. The last time I saw her, even though I had some gone through some major recovery with SLAA, I was still active in my addiction and was still controlled by a lot of shame. I was doing better with the family than I had before, but I was still very much isolated feeling and depressed. I am feeling some of that a little right now because I am still trying to recover, but I feel like I have a lot more energy in general and less depressed. I am hoping to be a lot more present and emotionally available to my family this time around. the kids really need a strong male presence and the family needs my help with things around here. It would be nice to be able to provide for them as a man instead of depend on them as a child.

My mind hasnt been too much into the addiction because Im busy trying to get my life together, but I did have a situation that kind of triggered me to fantasy yesterday. I was going to meet my mom at the airport and I started talking to a random stewardess. I wasnt that attracted to her, but she seemed interested. We are talking for a while and it seemed like she was giving me a lot of hints. It was coming to the point where I was going to ask her if she wanted to go grab a drink later, but it would not have been possible because I was meeting my mom. I kept thinking after I got picked up of ways I could have stayed with her. It was lucky for my abstinence that I did not have the time to do this. I am getting more comfortable talking to women in general, while that is good, it will also give me more opportunities for sex. At this point, I am not going to deny myself that, however, I will deny myself dangerous scenarios and scenarios that could activate my shame in some way. there is a lot of gray area in this area for me and it will take some sorting through my old religious/shame programming to get at a healthy sexual paradigm. But I guess thats what ive been doing this whole time with recovery.

Time to go to kids birthday parties and be the uncle!

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

yes, thats kind of a problem, my attachment to those results. Like when I am just happy with eye contact or a smile, when those little things arent enough, thats when I start having the longings and the cravings. Heck yeah Im the uncle, I could have been the drunk and out of control uncle, but this is much better! I think Im taking one of them to the WWF wrestling smackdown this week. Maybe I will learn some moves that I can use on some attackers.

It was a good night spending time with the family. I havent seen most of them in over a year and we all had a good time celebrating one of the kids birthday. Even though I was tired and a little sugared out, I was able to be somewhat present. Its draining because these kids have some deep emotional issues, but I tried to keep my boundaries as best as I could. I felt like they respected me a little more than they did the last time they saw me and I think it has something to do with keeping better boundaries and and trying to respect myself better. If you dont respect yourself, other people arent, especially teenage boys. I just treated them like human beings and had a good time with them and that was enough.

I played more of a role as an adult than a kid with the family tonight. I have always been the kid with them and they have encouraged and fostered this for some reason. My aunt is pretty codependent and likes to feel needed, its pretty dysfunctional. I see a lot of areas where I need to establish my boundaries with my family. My mom has always been a bit of an enmesher and smotherer. Its funny that most of my relationships end up being with women like this. I think the nice guy group mentioned to me that this would be a good time to learn to establish some boundaries with my mother. Its great to see her and we get along pretty good, but I can see some challenges that I have avoided in the past with her while not being coherent enough from my addiction to really tackle.

My friend has been visiting this website recently and is going through a break up with a long term partner. We have talked nearly nightly and has benefited me by talking to me at great lengths about relationships and purpose in life. Its good to have a social bond like this and the benefits are noticeable. There are very few guys that I have been able to open to on this level and it has been helpful for me.

He started his experiment about 3 weeks ago and has abstained from all orgasm since then. He has noticed a major difference in his mood and perception of things. He mentioned that the "fog" has lifted from his brain and that he is able to interact with people a lot better. These are not uncommon with those who are able to go through the experiment for about 2 or 3 weeks. The clarity is pretty noticeable if you have been in a fog for a while. I would encourage anyone who happens to be reading this to abstain for a full 3 weeks to fully get the benefits from this exercise. It seems like most people note these same attributes, this has been my experience as well. Its exciting to hear about my friend experiencing these drastic changes. He definitely has a taste for this feeling and mentions that he has a craving for being social again. This struck a major nerve for me because since I have started to do more of these healthy things, I have had "cravings" for healthier things. Its a little like a dehydrated person drinking more water and becoming more thirsty. Most people are dehydrated, if they start to drink more water, they start becoming more thirsty again. It seems like its the same for healthier ways of living in general. I can relate to the craving of social life. It feels like healthy compulsion or something (if there is even such a thing). When I heard that, I realized that he was feeling it and feeling the good parts of the recovery. I am interested in seeing where this leads him because he is already pretty healthy minded to begin. He has some compulsory behaviors and has used porn to medicate in the past, but he also has a pretty strong resolve and has a lot of natural virtue. Im starting to find it fascinating how this process benefits individuals. Having been a close friend with him for a while is especially exciting because he can relate to me things that are hard to grasp from a blog.

At this point for me it seems like these positive attributes are becoming more of the norm. Not really in a profound way or major shift in my perception, but in the little things over time. Just being able to maintain, to get by, and to be consistent are pretty big deals to me right now. And of course not slipping into any downward spirals like I used to so much. All the things that I used to take for granted in my mood and mind are slowly returning. I have not felt normal since the start of my addiction and I get glimpses of clarity here and there. Its enough to keep me going and motivated. Having all of these recovery tools is starting to pay off as well. I went and spent about 2 hours in nature tonight just enjoying being outside. Spending time with family, or talking to my recovery friend. These little things add up after a while and before you know it, life is somewhat normal and doable. I want to keep going on this route and living closer and closer to my "edge" with it. Having a little taste of it has me craving more. I want the full life experience, not just fragments. I want the entire thing now. No more wasting time on garbage depression.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Taking responsibility is an empowering act for us. Its a big leap from blaming the world to taking on healthy responsibilities for our moods. Its a painful but liberating transition, but so much a part of recovery. Thanks for the reminder.

Getting a few longings and cravings lately. I am in a suburb and the signals keep pointing towards "comfort". Get the house and the wife... and mate away until you drop like Sooty. Its pretty mesmerizing. I see a lot of pretty girls in my neighborhood and Im probably giving off some strong vibes right now because I get a lot of smiles. Its difficult to take it at that and live with it, Im thinking and strategizing how I could escalate things.

I started work today and it feels great. Its a good job, lots of hours and pays well. Im feeling a little better about myself and blaming myself less for the financial situation because I know that my environment had a lot to do with it. Im feeling productive and busy with spending time with the family and getting things done. I like this feeling, its been a major source of shame for a long time and I know how lovley that feels. Im already flirting with the women at work but I should stop immediately because I dont want any trouble. The one that I am most interested in is married and she is very flirtatious. She bitched out her husband on the phone, seemed annoyed, then started getting a little close and flirtatious. Not a high quality woman, but my brain lights up like a christmas tree. I should probably chose single women this time, but Im so lazy. It seems like women in relationships are aggressive and dont mind making the first move. I like that, Im tired from trying to get my life together and dont feel like putting out much effort in the dating arena right now, but I still want the closeness and the sex.

Ill keep it sane for now. Other than that, my fantasies and cravings are at a low and Im feeling somewhat normal. I will get these romance longings when I see a cute girl. I dont remember noticing so many of them around here. I think its because I just visit the area normally at christmas time. Its summer time right now and no lack of modest women.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Staying sane but pretty tired from staying engaged and active. Its the opposite of my lifestyle before. I have been so isolated and inert for so long, now Im moving and staying involved with people. Its taking some adjustment. Sometimes I just want to hide. Im noticing this tendency in my mom and some of my other family members. My uncle is emotionally MIA and is short and distant. I know that he is caught up in some relationship stuff too and he is going through it, but socializing and trying to be present with people is important.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Been with my family a lot doing things. Its pretty great in many ways, but also painfully revealing. Im trying my best not to get sucked into some of the old patterns. A lot of issues surrounding my upbringing are becoming obvious. Some of the feelings that I feel and have wrestled with seem to make a little more sense when i look at this emotional environment here. For the most part, I am looking at the good side of things and trying to move forward with our relationships. My mother is a good person and I would like to be close to her in a healthy way so I will keep trying to stay balanced.

I feel good about things for the most part right now. I am feeling a lot of the benefits from sobriety and its helping me to be present with the family. I dont have a lot of energy and I hit a major low today, but I am managing for the most part. It helps to have my mother to pull me out of some of the thinking. She's at a good and happy part of her life and she keeps a pretty solid perspective, its pretty helpful on the lows. Overall, I feel like I am a lot more stable since the last time I saw my family despite my lows and frustrations at times. One of my family members is trying to pry at my shame for some reason and its difficult to deal with her because the family adores her. I try my best not to get sucked into downward spiral thinking, but the triggering does effect me in some ways. Like many other things with this, just maintaining and not going into a downward spiral is success enough right now. Im not the resilient superhuman beeming with confidence, but Im maintaining. No major nervous breakdowns in my life at this time!

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Some tough feelings with the family, but Im glad to be sober through it. No porn blankets or chaos to hide under right now. Isolation a little, but its fine. In fact, I am seeing where a lot of my impulses to isolate come from. Her enmeshment is still present, I see it in other female members of the family too. I feel like I want to separate from her involvement with me in some ways. When I pull away needing my space, she seems to be a little hurt and resentful. It feels unhealthy. It sparks memories and insights from the past. I see how shame has been used to control me in the past.

Ive been helping out with her move and that feels good. I feel like I am showing up for her and that relieves some shame, but my shame is still present through all of this. It feels like a lot of it is coming up even though I am taking care of my business with finances, emotions, etc. Im moving forward, but I feel like I am carrying a lot of shame right now from the past.

No real urges at this time. I want to meet real women, but I am just not doing that right now due to my circumstances. I feel like Im backtracking some. Its a major challenge to be here with the family, working a lot, and trying to get out of debt right now. Such a normal thing for people to do, yet it is pretty major. Im meeting the challenges, but it feels like I am being pushed. The whole family thing is challenging, but I am glad I have this opportunity.

The nice guy forum suggested that I use this opportunity to learn how to establish healthy boundaries. Its pretty difficult to know how to do this. I want my mom to be happy, cant stand the enmeshment, dont want to offend her, but ive got to find a way to do this.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Team Success it is then.

Good points, Ill try to let her know so that she does not take it personally. She can be pretty sensitive.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Trying to adjust to healthy stuff. I consider all of this work and spending time with the family and being social as healthy. Starting to get back on an exercise program and get my finances together for the first time in a while too. No major cravings, though I did look at some internet stuff briefly, but was not too interested in pursuing it. Just wanted some excitement because I felt bored and stressed. My addict is definitely feeling cornered right now. It has few places to go and I know form experience that thats when he gets a little rowdy.

Been tired and feeling the pain of adjustments mainly. Cant wait to start really getting into an exercise program. Eating pretty well right now. It feels good to share healthy meals with my mother. Its a very simple thing and I am usually tired most of the time, but its great to be able to muster up these supportive and important behaviors. I really want to make this work. She is a good person and is entering the waning stage of her life. I want to try my best to be emotionally present and keep her company and engaged. I really hate listening to Sean Hannity though, but I must love her because I am not saying a word about it even though its like listening to nails on a chalkboard.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Even though tired from working and exercising, Im feeling good and productive. Feeling good in general and feeling like Im starting to hone in on life purpose stuff. I am enjoying my time out here and its doing me a lot of good. Started the gym yesterday and getting back into that program. Im already feeling the burn and cant wait to wrestle a cop or mall security officer after smoking some PCP. Im going to be so strong, I might burst through the side gate at work instead of walking in the front door tomorrow, it is friday, who knows. It will show the office ladies that Im exciting and unconventional. Yep, Ive got tons of game.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato