Breaking the Masturbation Habbit - My story.

I've never blogged before, but thought I would give it a try to see if it will help me in my efforts to give up masturbation.

About a month ago I made a commitment to my wife that I would give up masturbation. We have been married for almost 19 years and the issue of me masturbating has been a huge issue in our marriage. I have always had an addiction to masturbation and masturbated on average 4 to 5 times a week, regardless of whether or not we were having intercourse. I also had a habit of using porn to masturbate which intensified when we started having marital difficulties.

My wife would absolutely not tolerate pornography in our marriage, so I did it in secret for many years knowing that if she ever caught me, our marriage would probably be over. As our marital difficulties increased, I turned more and more to pornography and masturbation. I became more and more careless in my use of pornography as well until one day, almost three years ago, she walked in on me masturbating to porn. Luckily it didn't end our marriage, but it came awfully close.

After that, I started attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings and also started seeing a therapist as well. My therapist was trained by Dr. Patrick Carnes, a leading therapist is sexual addiction. He was a proponent of the S.A.A. philosophy. S.A. and S.A.A. have very different philosophies. S.A. holds that any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong. Period. S.A.A. has you define what activities are verboten and refers to these as "inner circle behaviors." You also define what is not verboten, but will likely lead to verboten and these are called "middle circle behaviors." The idea is to absolutely avoid inner circle behaviors and avoid middle circle behaviors as much as possible. A "slip" is defined as engaging in inner circle behaviors. In contrast, S.A. just defines a "slip" as sex outside the marital relationship. Plain and simple. I think both programs put way to much emphasis on "slips."

My therapist felt that S.A. was too "hardcore" and that the kinder, gentler approach of S.A.A. would more likely lead to success. I defined pornography as an inner circle behavior and masturbation as a middle circle behavior. I found it relatively easy to give up pornography. Masturbation, however, was a different matter.

The therapist I was seeing felt that occasional masturbation was perfectly normal and acceptable, but that I shouldn't engage in it more than once or twice a week. As far as my wife's concerns, well that was her "issue," but not one that I should agree to under any circumstance. He told me that foregoing masturbation was not only unnecessary, but potentially risky as it might lead to more risky behaviors. The one time that I tried to eliminate masturbation entirely did not work well. I shortly found myself totally fixated on my genitals and then started flirting with exhibitionism for the first time until I had a "slip" after a couple of weeks. That was not a pleasant experience.

For about two years, my wife and I had a don't ask, don't tell policy about masturbation. During that time we were in joint therapy and I was working hard on my recovery. Our sex life, however, was not particularly good. I found that whenever we had sexual intercourse (about twice a month) my wife was not engaged emotionally. She said she wanted to be, but couldn't knowing that I was masturbating. That just drove me nuts because I wanted the intimate connection with her, but just couldn't seem to find it no matter what I did. Our therapist appeared to believe that my masturbation was not a problem, simply a natural expression of my male sexuality and that my wife had the problem. I was quite happy to agree and continue masturbating hoping that my wife would come around.

The topic of masturbation came up again and again and we were always at an impasse. I started to believe that our marriage simply wasn't going to work out, as I wasn't willing to live in a "loveless" marriage, nor was I willing to give up the perfectly healthy behavior of masturbation. However, divorce presented significant difficulties not the least of which was the potential damage to our four young children. Another significant difficulty to divorce is that my wife and I truly love each other and have a generally good marriage, notwithstanding our sexual dysfunction.

As time went on, I began to realize that I was never going to "change" her view on this issue. This came to a head when she caught me preparing to masturbate a couple of months ago. "Don't ask, don't tell" has never really worked in the military and it certainly didn't work in our marriage either.

When "the issue" reared its ugly head in our marriage once again, I ultimately came to the decision that I couldn't change her, but that I could change me and would have to if my marriage was going to survive. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I probably still had an addiction, albeit "controlled" to masturbation or at least orgasmic sex. So, finally admitting this to myself about a month ago I made the decision to give up masturbation. Fortunately, at the same time I found this web site. I have been an avid reader for the past month taking inspiration from the stories of others.

Nonetheless, I have not had an easy go of it and I have slipped three times in the last three weeks. My initial resolve lasted about two weeks and then I masturbated the morning after we had intercourse leading to orgasm. The next two slips came on the same day about a week later. The second time I figured, "hell, I've already blown it today, might as well enjoy myself before I start over." I knew that it was a big mistake. I found that after the first slip, the "urges" or "withdrawal" was much less intense than it had previously been. In the past four days I have been withdrawing from the double whammy and it has been a real bitch. My "goal" right now is to go the entire month of July without masturbating.

My wife has been very supportive of my effort and we have been practicing Karezza daily. My commitment has made a big change in our relationship. We have had lots of physical touch and hugging and nightly cuddling. Our "connection" seems stronger than it has been in years. A few times our cuddling has gone farther and led to intercourse and orgasmic sex. We are still experimenting trying to find the right balance. At times she feels that I get "frantic" for sexual touch and that my "addict" is looking for an orgasm as a "fix." My "addict" says she is full of it, but in my heart I think she may be right. Unfortunately, it also tends to "trigger" me when I feel anyone is trying to control my "addict."

I have never found that deprivation works. I can only "white knuckle" it for so long. The karezza method does seem to me to be the "kindler, gentler" approach and I truly believe that it will work and it is the best course. I'm still confused right now about whether or not I should be trying to avoid orgasm altogether for the month. Part of me feels it is necessary to completely withdraw from what feels like a strong addiction that I am still suffering from. Part of me fears that trying to give up orgasm altogether is just too extreme. I know that I am committed to not masturbating and I think I'll try to meet that goal for now.