Tiredness, stress and anxiety, and their relationship to my eagerness for sex.

Submitted by Brenmal on Sat, 2010-07-17 06:13
Community topics: 
anxiety
depression
sex
Stress
tiredess
stress-relief

Well, I thought I was doing really well. In reality of course, compared to my past I am doing really well. Mustn't forget that.

Anyhow after a couple of weeks of ridiculously hard work without seeing much of my wife at all all I wanted to do was get laid. I'd been away for a week and passed up two perfectly good opportunities to do just that because I was trying my hardest to be faithful, trying to remember that I was missing my wife and all the oxytocin we've been making together recently. Then as soon as I get home, more things kick off meaning I don't see much of her for another week... and suddenly I'm starting to lose it.

I think I'm starting to go mad. I'm not, but I am under that impression. What I haven't consciously realised is how hard I've been working and how little relaxation let alone oxytocin I've really had in this fortnight. Compounded by the fact that I haven't had that nightly bonding with my wife. I was flatlining on oxytocin... no reserves left... no dopamine either... so, self medicated on some internet porn, figuring it was the lesser of three evils available to me: porno, casual sex, prostitutes...

Finally managed to talk to my wife about it and even though we can't be together right now getting it off my chest helped. I've got this weekend to get through alone, but at least I am taking her advice and sleeping it off. I am so tired. It'll take some time to get over the tendency to want to have an orgasm but at least I have learnt something from this.

I have discovered another trigger is that when I over-work myself I get tired and this makes me more susceptible to seeking out sex. I also need regular bonding with my wife. Its really hard when you're away from home. What do you do? Any ideas... please let me know.

Comments

Submitted by Rockhardington on Sat, 2010-07-17 09:01.

While alone, there are a few ways to feel connected to yourself. Exercise, meditation, being social, eating healthy, nature, hobbies are all things that come to mind. Building a strong relationship with yourself is important and your wife being away is a good time to do this, to work out some kinks.

The over-working can definitely be a trigger. When we are tired and stressed, our defenses are down and we want a quick fix. We want some extreme form of pleasure immediately. My suggestion is to try to be around people and do not isolate on the computer. I know its tempting to come in from a hard days work and get online, but what if you went to the gym instead or did a hobby? Those things are refreshing and energizing. Sitting on the computer after work is just not a good idea, we just need to find other ways to relax, not just the easiest way to relax. Life is too short, get into things, healthy people have activities after their career that they do for fun and expression. They live active and interesting lives outside of work and are refreshed for work when they return. Its a tough balance and difficult for us to do, but it will take away the space our addiction needs to survive.

I did this last night. I have been overworked too. I came in last night with cravings and started isolating on the computer. I started looking at ads for escorts. I remembered that my mother wanted me to do something for her. I thought that that little project was boring compared to acting out, but I knew it had to be done. So I went and did it to get it out of the way. After doing that for her and seeing her simple satisfaction, I was satisfied and remembered how good it feels to do simple things and enjoy the "slow and steady" excitement of things rather than the big rush of acting out. My addiction could not find a place in that because I was engaged in the world rather than my mind. Im trying to imagine what it would be like to be energized after work rather than exhausted. Isolation is exhausting, and the lack of satisfaction with life from that cyclical lifestyle is exhausting. Its difficult to restructure an interesting and fulfilling lifestyle after doing this for so long, but it seems to be worth it, small steps. Also, the more fulfilled we are outside of work, the less stressed we will be while in work, and the less stressed we are at work means that we will be better able to handle to pressures and challenges, meaning less bad feelings and more energy outside of work. It seems like its an entire lifestyle thing. Keep hacking at this thing though.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Submitted by Brenmal on Sat, 2010-07-17 09:39.

Thanks for reading my blog post. It is about finding other relaxing things to do. I must do this. I think my mind and body both need the rest really.

Brenmal

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sat, 2010-07-17 14:32.

Daily bonding behaviors (including intercourse) are so important for us primates. They aren't "just sex" by any means.

Meanwhile, see if this meditation helps: http://www.reuniting.info/download/misc/06Track6.wma (Use daily for best results. You'll start to notice dramatic changes if you do. Of course this is true of any meditation practice!)

Can you spend some time in nature? With friends? With pets? Laughing?

Submitted by Brenmal on Sun, 2010-07-18 03:39.

but she's at a conference. She'll be home this evening though, so that'll be good. I've been working in the garden this afternoon and operating the dreaded washing machine, hanging out the washing and doing a little bit of tidying up... The pets are good company. Dillon, my rabbit, is especially soothing. The weather's nice so I've been outside a bit and that seems to help.

The problem I get this time of year is due to my/our jobs... I go from being around loads of people one minute to hanging around on my own very quickly at this time of year and its a shock to my system that unbalances me a lot. Less than one week now before that sudden drop happens followed by another fortnight of seeing very little of my wife. Then we get some time together. It always amounts to about a month to six weeks of a lack of routine for me and by the time I've adjusted its time to get back to my regular routine. I find this hard to deal with. It causes me emotional strain and a near panic sets in, although a similar disruption doesn't seem to bother my wife anywhere near as much.

It's not that I don't have things to do - its just that the motivation of being around people / my normal routine is removed and this makes it harder for me to get on with them.

Sometimes at this time of year I go to the doctors and he puts up my dose of SSRI's but I don't want to go down that route. I'm taking half what I was taking before I found this website and started to try out the advice I've found here and I don't want to go on higher doses again. I want to do something that breaks me out of what seems like a Groundhog Day period in the year for me, that recurs every year and yet I have yet to find a solution for it.

thanks for reading,

Brenmal

Submitted by Brenmal on Sun, 2010-07-18 04:03.

Thanks for that meditation audio. It has helped me regain some balance. My "being" and "doing" were way out of kilter.

Brenmal

Submitted by trumpet12345 on Sun, 2010-07-18 04:39.

Isn't higher than normal dopamine associated with workaholics? Thought that was one reason why some of the hardest working people love cocaine and porn so much.

Hopefully you can get a chance to realize brenmal.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sun, 2010-07-18 11:31.

but maybe you could attend with her and do some sight seeing or something next time. I go on some of Gary's teaching adventures and we have a great time.

Actually, though, the biggest victories are in those little examples you just gave. "I spent time in nature, with a loved pet, serving others, and meditating....and I felt better." Try that recipe over and over, before acting out, and you may discover you never "need" to act out.

Or maybe there's a project you could throw yourself into. Hint, hint. smiley