Week 4

Even though I havent been having a lot of sexual thoughts, I have been having the impulse to binge for some reason. It feels like my energy has nowhere else to go. This is familiar after a while of abstaining. I havent binged in a while. My last orgasm, I had it, then went on with my life because I was busy. I had a binge a couple of months ago, but before that, it was similar. I had gone awhile with having very few orgasms, and those were relatively healthy and non-fantasy/porn-based. Then I wanted a hit and I binged. I can feel that want for a hit. I would really like to learn to deal with this because it seems like an important part of my recovery. Ive prevented binges a few times in the past with healthy masturbation, but this impulse feels a little different. Its almost not even sexual at all, it seems more emotional. Im asking myself what kinds of emotional things are going on underneath, Im trying to feel and communicate with myself. I keep getting images in my mind of sexual experiences that happened during my major acting out phase. The images are clear and strong. I havent really had these in a while, but they are strong right now. Another thing that seems to be bothering me is that I keep getting memories and longings for that time, not about the sexual stuff, but about the rest of my life, the part that I feel I sabotaged with my acting out. I miss them and I wish I had used the opportunity to socialize and get ahead with my school/career. I also have longings for a healthy graduate school experience that I am getting started on. My experience from this period has injected my mind with some feelings of defeat and doubt. I have been hard on myself in this area.

On the other hand, Im feeling pretty good and safe in my current situation. Im spending time with my mother and staying pretty healthy overall. Its like getting a heavy lesson and reminder of life skills. She has always been good with life skills like keeping things clean, managing her money, staying mentally sound, good work ethic. I have these qualities, but the dip in my mood from all of the depression over the last few years has made these areas hard. Depression has made everything hard. Im not really feeling that depressed right now, but I am feeling the effects in my life of being depressed for so many years. It feels like a hole in parts of my life that is still sucking from me today. Im not totally out of my depression yet, I still have a lot of bad thinking habits and paradigms, but Im not falling into any downward spirals. It seems like in the past I was always recovering from some craziness of my own making. Not so much any longer, recovery from spirals are short. My life has less drama, but I am not thriving like I would to.

There is a slow undercurrent of sanity and health that is in my life right now even though things dont seem that great. I noticed that this thought was kept me from going over the edge the night before last. Ive cultivated and worked hard for it and I want to nurture it more. All the hard work from recovery doesnt go away if you act out, I know that already, but it does make it difficult to move forward and enjoy the simple things in life.

Now that the house out here is coming together, I can get organized enough to start back on my lists. This is the most organization Ive had in months.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Thanks, rough patch, but thanks for the reminded that I have been here before and that I will get over it again. I have more tools each time and a better and healthier life and self-concept is a valuable protection at crucial times.

I am stressed and tired quite a bit, but I will get through it. Tonight is my workout night and its time to put on a cowboy hat, take off my shirt and go to the gym and if one person looks at me funny... its gonna be trouble.

My job is going well, but my immediate boss is very depressed and rageful, paranoid, etc. Its a difficult task to take on. Sweet woman, but there is a demon underneath her welling up

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

It was great, instead of working out, I wrestled and struggled with about a dozen guys. It was like a group wrestling match, just constant overpowering and being overpowered at various places throughout the complex. At one point I thought: I will NOT be manhandled today and with a forceful grunt, I summoned the strength of 20 men and wrangled my way out of a 3 man pile on. You would have definitely been impressed.

It was good. Staying safe and sane for the most part. That last wave of cravings went away for the time like we know they do. Its just a matter of giving yourself a little space to feel it and buy yourself a little time. Mist of the time, the cravings arent much of a struggle. In fact, I am starting to forget them, the physical cravings at least. However, there are a ton of feelings underneath that are challenging. The whole self-esteem, depression, all of this emotional stuff, thats the challenging part, working through all of that. Its a lot of work and feelings that come up while doing this. This is the heavy stuff for me. All of the fear, insecurity, uncertainty, anxiety, social challenges. The cravings dont bother me that much anymore but this time they kind of did, but looking at it, it seems like there was a lot of depression underneath. Actually, when I refused to act and took steps to not act, I became more depressed than I have in a long time. There was a day or two that was pretty nasty.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Lots of work and socializing. Ive come close to slipping a few times, but not being in the heavy orgasm cycle really helps with control. Im mostly so busy that I forget about sex for stretches at a time while at work. When I do get cravings, its more emotional than really sexual, if that makes any sense. There are all these things surrounding sex that influence my desires, but arent exactly sexual. I dont really have a good explanation for how I am feeling yet.

I am feeling some good feelings here and there, especially after workouts. feeling a steady sense of accomplishment and fulfillment at work, feeling the good feelings of relationship with my mother, feeling a sense of direction and life purpose and goals at times, and some moments I am pretty present with myself. Being busy is also helping. Nowhere to hide either, my mother is right there, it would be weird to isolate for hours when I am around her. I take my space now, Ill go to the gym or write on here, but we spend a lot of time together when we are not working. Im not fully present with her, but Im getting better and will pay attention to her stories and work drama. We share some interests and for the most part, things seem pretty healthy.

One interesting dynamic I am noticing, is that I feel more like a grown son than a little boy around her. We naturally fall into these roles now, whereas before, it seemed like she was the caretaker. At first, when I got here, it seemed a little like this, but as Im starting to get things together with my finances and other aspects of my life, it seems like these healthier and more appropriate roles are starting to fall into place. It seems like she is trusting and relying on me a little more. I was always too much of a kid to her for her to put that kind of trust in me. She has always been a very independent person, maybe overly independent, but she is taking a couple of steps back and realizing that she wants to relax and enjoy life. I really want to get my life together so I can help provide this for her. i do not have any kids, so I think I will be able to do this in the future.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato