Stuff about my own (strict) sexual perspective

Well posting on here whatever is in my head is certainly helping I think. Each day I'm coming up with things to blog about. Most of it probably sounds rubbish to others, maybe it will make more sense the more I keep at it. And then when I do get round to sitting down to type a post I forget everything I wanted to put.

I'd just like to thank everyone that posts here as well

Finding the middle ground/the middle way could some up what I had been thinking of this weekend. Reading about peoples karezza experiences and thinking about female sexuality sort of triggered something in my head about why women who don't orgasm would bother with sex, which probably shows my personal experience! I think it's also tied in with me trying to feel my inner body and just relaxing in to the addict within rather than running away and ignoring it. It's also all tied in with the beliefs that I picked up on in childhood. I think basically it was just some things falling in to place, and undoing some of the knots I've tied my self in. Started to really see how karezza is the middle line between complete abstinence and orgasm addiction.

I don't think I'm so much a porn addict but perhaps more sexually anorexic, a term I read a little on a while ago, and the porn binge sessions is my acting out. I guess someone would say anorxeia is an addiction anyway. But even then it's not that I don't want an intimate relationship it's just there's something in the way that holds me back all the time. My view of sex has been just completely screwed up, somehow I've managed to get the thought that sex is bad or wrong stuck in my head. I'm pretty sure it is to do with when my dad had an affair with a girl half his age. When you're about 6, events like that can have quite an effect if not dealt with. I'm now starting to really confront this idea and my parents. I think it was dano who posted the link to the free domain radio articles and yeah that stuff is helping actually. Starting to see my parents as other people and consciously questioning them rather than just accepting their fallibles (if that's a word?!).

So last night was fun. I went out with intention of having fun and talking to people, smiling etc and I lost count of how many smiles I got in the end. It was really busy everywhere and it seemed like everyone was just out to have fun as well... although from my recent understanding of how we shape our own realities I do admit to consciously willing that to be the case.
Whilst waiting for the bus (so, before I had started drinking) I was doing a little thinking about the ego and my shadow which holds me back. And how the previous night I had paid a complement to a girl, but when she returned the complement I kind of froze and was shocked that she'd do that, and I was very much on the defensive . It was really weird how what I want to happen, how I want to act, and how I actually do are so far apart. And is very much an unconscious thing, as in, I'm not really consciously thinking that I need to defend my self but I guess it's my ego or something feels underthreat.
As I have made my identity about being single and still a virgin and looking at porn and feeling like a freak and feeling unworthy and knowing all of this and that everyone is better than me etc etc and then when things start to happen that may affect this identity I get all defensive.
So last night, what I suppose was the highlight for me I had a bit of a dance and then as I'm coming off the dance floor some girl starts grinding on me and yeah I'm loving it for a short time, and then I think I must have started to panic as I just walked away. And then end up kicking my self again. I guess really it's cause I had never been in that sort of situation before and didn't know what to do, hadn't considered what I should do next... well I ended up thinking a lot this morning what I would have done. This is good really, in the space of 2 weeks I have manged to get my self in to situations that not long a go I would have dreamed of, only to then fluster in the moment due to inexperience...

Unfortunately last night before I went out I was starting to feel very frisky and with my new growing sense of sexual freedom (it's not quite there yet but it's getting better) I ended up registering on some of the more adult dating sites... which is good to see that there are other people feeling the same as me... but then this morning when I was checking my messages I ended up looking at porn again Well that was a good 3 weeks this time though and I have been determined again to NOT beat myself up about it.

And this post has ended up longer than I wanted and not expressed my self as clearly as I wanted... but as I have recognised that fact this time maybe I'm learning now

P.s. Oh yeah emotionally I did have a bit of a cry whilst watching a film this afternoon not related to the porn relapse, just related to life in general