our karezza

Submitted by Jesse on
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My wife and I have been married more than forty years. We are best friends and have a very good relationship, but the sex all-but ended about four years ago. I have always been driven by the goal of achieving a climax. However, I have always needed a great deal of stimulation to reach the goal. I’ve never had a premature ejaculation – when I was younger, a quickie was at least 20 minutes. Nowadays, it usually takes about an hour – sometimes a lot more. I am very active for my age – I workout vigorously 8-10 hours a week (including regular Pilates and occasional Tai Chi and Chi Gong) and have no major health problems. My libido is strong and I am able to get and maintain strong erections without using E.D. drugs.

My wife, however, is sedentary, rather heavy and suffers from painful arthritis. Our sexual marathons have been no fun for her for about a decade, and about four years ago, she announced that her libido was totally gone. So I have mostly resorted to masturbation in secret supported by internet porn. She seems to be unaware of my activity. I have been quite unhappy with this situation for a host of reasons, but have become resigned to the situation.

When I found Marina's website, I immediately felt that the behaviors she advocates may go a long way to improving our relationship. I resolved to avoid all porn (cold turkey) and to gradually reduce orgasm/ejaculation, with the latter to be with the full knowledge of my wife. And I began unilaterally engaging in bonding activities with her, and the response on her part has been immediate – she loves the long, slow caressing and intimate conversations.

I think karezza (or a form of it) would be great for us, because it removes the orgasm-goal from our relationship. I would no longer have to spend a great deal of time, effort and energy reaching the goal and my wife no longer has to feel the pressure of trying to get me off, or suffer the boredom of having her sleep disturbed while I jerk off.

I'm now into this almost two weeks and have been porn-free and only experienced three orgasms (no secret stuff). The improvement in our marriage has been unbelievable. I feel better about my self, my libido seems to be present more continuously and we are getting along great. Today, I explained Karezza to my wife and she had a good reaction. She is very pleased with our improved relationship and is glad to be shed of the burden of bringing me to orgasm.

This coming week will be a difficult one for me to stay on track because I will be home alone several evenings. I'm going to try to arrange other activities that I need to do in order to avoid temptation.

Comments

Feeling frustrated

Two weeks and no porn. Orgasms about half as frequent. Last night while making love to my wife, I really wanted to cum. But I didn't "go for it" and it didn't happen. I didn't sleep well last night and I feel lousy today -- horny and grouchy. Is just wanting to cum enough to set off a negative reaction? :?

Hell hath no fury.

Hell hath no fury like an orgasm spurned. Actually it's those poor starved and deprived dopamine receptors screaming in agony as they shrivel and die. If its been less than two weeks since your last orgasm, then you are withdrawing from the effects.

It sounds like you are doing great work though. Keep up the Karezza practices, as I have found that they really help take the edge of a case of the withdrawal crabbies.

We had

the same experience, early in our practice together. Definitely seems to be tied to getting too near the edge. So easy to do, because of past goals. Try a couple of nights of bonding behaviors, even if you're feeling cranky, before putting intercourse back in the mix.

It's also true that if it hasn't been two weeks since your last orgasm, you could be ripe for dissatisfaction. smiley

A good week.

I was home alone for the third night this week. That has been my "special" time to get on my favorite porn site and get off. (That sounds so pathetic.) I made it thru with no relapse and am looking forward to an evening of lovemaking with my wife tonight -- she's got a coupon for an hour of gentle massage. Thanks for all the support.

Richly rewarded

Last night I was delivering a one hour gentle massage to Christine. Before the hour was up, she began massaging my cock thru my boxers. It felt really good & I laid back and just let her go on. I began a pelvic clock motion. This went on for a good while. The pleasure built to a level that I felt I might ejaculate, so I grabbed her wrist and she just touched me lightly as wave after wave of pleasure swept over me. For longer than any orgasm I ever had. Two minutes ... twenty minutes -- I don't know. It just found me -- I didn't have to "go for it" as in past climax/orgasms. The were no contractions -- just gentle waves. I don't know how long it would have gone on, but I decided to come back down. My boxers were soaked from pre-cum, but I hadn't ejaculated. We talked about it for a long time, how my giving up goal-oriented-love-making had made sex so much better for both of us and strengthened our relationship in so many ways. (Funny, I didn't have to conjure up my latest porn-based fantasy. I was totally in the moment.) I would really like to do the same for her, but she says she is satisfied with gentle massage, etc., instead of genital touching and intercourse.

Bless you Marnia, for setting up and maintaining this website. It has changed our lives. Your book is on order.

Jesse

Need some discipline down here

We had another great night of lovemaking last night – long and slow and gentle. But, I decided I wanted to cum. I changed my movement and rhythm. I worked up a fantasy involving a neighbor, who is single but I don’t even know her. Then I was overcome with a feeling of selfishness – I had shifted from pleasing US to pleasing ME. Then I felt I was cheating on my wife by bringing another woman to bed with us. I lost my erection before I came, and my wife and I just cuddled until she fell asleep. My mind was a raging jumble and I couldn’t sleep so I began masturbating – looking for the lost orgasm but couldn’t concentrate and it didn’t happen. Didn’t sleep much.

Feel lousy this morning, but I’m glad I didn’t orgasm. We talked about it and Christine is understanding and OK with it. I feel like I missed the physical pleasure of the orgasm but now I have the negative emotional downside.

I still feel good about what we are doing; our relationship is great, I’m still porn-free and didn’t have an orgasm. Life is good.

Right

Those old patterns die hard. But you won't miss them much at all when they're gone. smiley Notice that it was the decision to cum that caused the shift. This is biology's doing. It never wants us to miss a fertilization opportunity (as it perceives things...). This is why a program like the Exchanges can help with the transition. Provides some much needed structure...and since you're following a recipe, you don't have to constantly decide, "Yes? or No?" smiley

Feeling good today

Feeling good today. I had a two-hour workout at the gym this morning. Lots of energy – no pain. Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow arrived by mail yesterday. I gave it to Christine to skim over. She really liked the humor and read a little of it. However, she adopted her schoolteacher attitude and informed me that I shouldn’t expect to do this stuff all the time – she needs her sleep. I will gladly continue to shower her with non-erotic cuddling each night, giving her some of the energy which is so abundant in me. That will make the times when we do this “stuff” more special.

Well,

here's the open secret. Even a minute or two a day of affection can keep the home fires burning, so "stuff" seems like a good idea when scheduling permits.

If you're consistent, you should notice a definite increase in harmony (including views on "stuff") in about two weeks. smiley

That's great

As you go forward watch to see whether getting closer to "The Edge" makes cravings for orgasm stronger over the following days. It's nice to have fellow explorers. smiley

more

More good loving last night and a little more this morning. We have made love about a dozen times since I first visited this site almost four weeks ago -- previously it was once every 2-3 months.