I haven't masturbated in FOUR weeks. I'm female and a lesbian but I was suffering from porn addiction for a while (I would watch heterosexual porn and pretend to be male). I started to realize that what I was getting off on was abusive to women AND that I was a woman contributing to people like myself being hurt. I had the same problem many of you report having, that I kept masturbating and kept thinking about what I used to see in porn. Once THAT stopped, I started doing a lot of self-abusive things. So now I'm trying NOT to masturbate because I want to be free of this. I'm in a situation right now where I can't even sneak it. It's driving me crazy, not because of arousal but because EVERY night I have these dreams where I'm trying to do it and I can't. I feel owned by sex, like I owe sex something. Like sex is better than me and if I'm not being sexual I'm worthless and don't deserve to exist.
I don't have a partner, nor do I want one. I'm doing this on my own. It's weird...I don't feel aroused I just feel BAD. I miss being able to watch porn and feel powerful and let out the aggression instead of having to just feel all of my messed up feelings all the time.
Also the fact that I'm not really aroused...ever is strange. It suggests I really was just masturbating to self-abuse. I rarely actually do it based on desire.
I'm trying to teach myself that masturbation and orgasm are WANTS, not NEEDS and that I don't have to do sexual things to be worthwhile but it's hard when I go to college and everyone around me is telling me NO we need it and "denying" your sexual self is anti-feminist. I don't think I'm denying a part of myself though. I don't really conceive of the sexual self the same way most people do because I think of sex as something that is created between people and not like a quota you need to fill each day with orgasms. I wish I could get my body to see things the way my mind does.