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Week 5
Start of Week 5, day 29
A few more ups. As Ive learned from going through so many lows dealing with this addiction, if I just manage to make it through the rough patches, I usually feel REALLY good afterwards for a time. It was a struggle last week, and now this week feels good. I am feeling stable-minded, focused on my work, future, and life purpose, enjoying healthy social interactions. I remember this feeling from times that I have managed to abstain in the past- things just feel like they fall into place in my head.
Been spending a lot of time at work, spending time with my mother, and getting ready to apply to graduate school. I really needed to come visit my family to get back on track, especially after doing the work in abstinence over the past year. Its been a tough ride, a lot of emotional things are all over the place. Its a good thing to have the family thing over trying to constantly fill my needs through whatever romance or sexual opportunities are around. I am feeling very productive and strong in my life because of it I think.
Another good thing with my mom that I am noticing is that I am setting better boundaries. She is very sweet to me, until I dont do EXACTLY what she wants me to do WHEN she wants me to. She feels hurt and tries to bring me into shame. Im not falling for it right now, the whole shame act is not as strong in my life right now, maybe if I was acting out, Id have shame present from that and I might respond to it, but shame overall in my life is dwindling and I feel much better right now. Another thing that is less present in my life is fantasy. For some reason, taking care of the sexual stuff is helping out with the fantasy in other areas. Taking care of the sexual thing has been like a positive domino effect in my life. Ive experienced the negative domino effect pretty good in the past, im glad Im seeing that things can go the other way. Ive noticed that this has been happening since I started trying to recover, but withdrawals and emotional withdrawals and restructuring can be flooring. Its important to just be persistent with this and keep going no matter what and trust this mysterious process. Life will eventually come together, we cannot stay depressed forever if we are genuinely trying to get at this.
- Rockhardington's blog
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Comments
Interesting that you are
Interesting that you are dealing with stuff with your mom right now. I am too, and finding it quite challenging.
Indeed, the time to conquer is now
"Its important to just be persistent with this and keep going no matter what and trust this mysterious process. Life will eventually come together, we cannot stay depressed forever if we are genuinely trying to get at this."
Yes to this.
Domino Effect
I've seen the "domino effect" of taking care of the sexual stuff as well. When I've gone a while with abstaining, I feel as though I make healthier choices in general.
Good luck in week five. Your success is very inspirational.
Day 31
More ups and downs. Some heavy dips lately, but feeling safe. Mostly staying busy but Ill have some memories of past sexual experiences and they are pretty powerful. I start having some deep longings and cravings at times, but they go away if I am patient. Mostly, there are other emotions tied to the sexual feelings that make them compelling. However, there is so much better stuff to look forward to that I am not wanting to screw things up with acting out. Im feeling the pull of the healthy things in my life and that is helping me out.
Being single, I need to keep doing the activities that encourage the oxytocin and feelings of connection in my life. I had a bad craving the other day and we went to see family, I just wasnt satisfied, I started having deep longings for sex and romance. I recognized this as happening many times before, but I just was never conscious of it when I was younger, the family just made me want to escape for some reason. I started connecting with my nephew who needed it as much as I did and the cravings subsided, I was feeling ill effects.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Well, you are
after all, a male in prime mating age. So the "urge to merge" is certainly natural. Are there more healthy outlets for spending time with females you could try in your area? Any kind of dance lessons?? did you check www.meetup.com?
*hugs*
What about the local redneck
What about the local redneck bar? Thats a pretty good outlet. Ill dance Im sure, and Ill be getting in some exercise because Ill probably be running from having looked at someone the wrong way.
I could do meetup, Ive been so busy working and trying to get things together for applying to schools that I dont even have time to see much of my family. I try to merge when I can, but I do need a healthy outlet. My mom doesnt let me! Its weird, she has this radar that tells her that Im talking to a girl at the store or something. Its very codependent stuff, its tripping me out. Im not really hitting on girls, but Im getting that connection and then my mother shows up and starts joining in. Its very weird. I need to go run some errands on my own. Again, Ive just been super busy.
Another thing that I need to adjust is my sleep schedule, its starting to adjust on its own because Im feeling generally calmer. Ill get it soon.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
*chuckle*
Mom sounds like a nuisance.
Day 33
Been too busy and engaged with people to really think about this. Probably good. Im glad that I have forgone bottom lines enough that situations have opened themselves up to me finally. Its only a matter of time because we cant stay in our garbage forever. I feel the urges and Im wrestling with them less and getting into the habit of transformation more. My friend introduced me to a NLP technique that seems pretty powerful. Its a visualization technique. Aside from that specific technique, Im visualizing life and future as being something nice instead of the doom and gloom scenarios Ive filled my head with during the heavy depressions. Depression is still hanging around, but its not as badt always) manageable.
Today, I went into a bit of a downward spiral with some stressor. It was pretty challenging to stay on top of my mind, but it eventually calmed down. My bank had made an "error" and it caused me to panic as I am sensitive to financial stress right now. It was resolved after spending my lunchbreak making annoying phone calls to the bank and having them find the error. I cant remember the last time there was a bank error and it the bank GAVE me money by accident and I had to spend an hour on the phone to give it back! I became enraged and I had to slowly pull myself down for the rest of the day, then I just had a stress headache and felt drained.
Feeling better now, but just tired in general from being active and social.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
Those phone calls
can be so annoying. Endless "menus" of unhelpful options. Grrr....