First post - 30days

Dear all,

This is the first time I am posting to this forum, but it is not the first time I have come to this website, I use it very regularly and find it very useful, thanks so much for setting it up.

I understand its original purpose, and really appreciate the way it has become tolerant of issues that have arisen around porn addiction - and provided a real release from this intensely private issue.

Ok here goes!

I remember my first foray with porn was when i found it underneath my Dads bed, after that I discovered some videos which whilst mild in nature were quite hot stuff for my age (about 13 I think). From that point on I guess I masturbated allot. My Dad had a nervous breakdown when I was 12 and he wasn't quite the same afterwards... he suffered allot from ups and downs and would become highly agitated and then very depressed. He was sectioned a few times. I mention this because I have had to look at this issue, from this point I became very quiet (I was always shy) and nervous, but also the confidence concerning my Dad before this event (he was a very ebullient person) was kind of shattered with his behaviour afterwards. I have always found this difficult, and have a very tough time seeing him now (although he lives locally I have to force myself to visit him)

The masturbation was kind of an escape I guess, I have some memories of sneaking into my sisters room when she was younger (and I was also about this age) and touching her, I don't think there is anything wrong in this behaviour (it stopped pretty shortly after it started) in the sense that I saw no wrong in it at the time, its just this sexual feeling was so strong, and I can see now that I used it alot to forget. I remember some time after this, the masturbation increased, and I had alot of intensive sessions.

In school I was very restless, and my earlier good grades suffered as I progressed, I went on long walks in the country, and was distant alot of the time. I lacked the energy and vibrancy perhaps of others, although i was popular at school.

I then went to uni (somehow) and hit the bottle, I have had a long struggle with alcoholism (but mercifully short compared to others) and with that came visits to brothels, long sessions of drinking and watching porn (this was when the internet was taking off, and it was full of porn sites - not long videos but generally pictures and short videos - not like now!). To cut a long story short I spent much of my uni life in a drunken haze, in the end getting very serious and basically forced to do something about it before it killed me. So between then (25) and now (I am 30 now) I have attended AA and other support, and have had various lengths of sobriety (I am now 2.5yrs without a drink, previous to that 18mths).

It is now through that my behaviour around porn has become more problematic, not least because i thought it was what i did when i was drunk, sober - with all these feelings, i began to indulge which I found difficult at first.

Now it is compulsive, and I have come to realise this underlying issue that I have always had. Alcohol in a sense was my number before, now that it is gone, this is starkly exposed.

What is really cutting me up is a relationship I had with a beautiful girl (first proper relationship) she was in a sense perfect physically and mentally for me, and we had an intense sexual relationship, that energy which was pent up in me was released and I found sex and orgasm a tremendous thing. I had never had this before (only really hookers)

However porn began to creep back, I would stay late downstairs and look at porn, I cruised red light districts (not necessarily picking anybody up but just for 'the buzz', and phone chatlines etc.... Inevitably by GF found all this out, and began to realise that this was an issue for me. I also relapsed drinking and slept with somebody else, I couldn't live with the guilt (it was obvious anyway shortly after it happened) and I told her.

We got back together, but then the behaviours started again. It really is heartbreaking to me looking back at it. The trust essentially went, I remember after a lovely day I got a text from a 'sex phone service' which my GF saw - it was innocuous - it seems you cannot get rid of these texts coming if you have used these services - but it led to a big argument ruined the day.

Eventually it all ended.

When I look back now, I can see that we are so compatible sexually. It proves to me that even the most perfect women for me is after a while never enough. I had strange feelings of competitiveness and envy also in the relationship, and was always paranoid about her running off with some rich businessman. She admitted to some infidelity early on in her relationship (sex is very important to her) and eventually we split up.

Now that was a huge event, and I did use some of the energy positively - I have learnt alot from my recovery from alcoholism. I stopped smoking, started excercising and started eating better - all the things that my GF was moaning about when we split up. I am so stubborn... I only change when forced basically.

But since then I have looked very hard at this area of my life - which seems to be the issue I just cannot get rid of. Now on my own - the porn really has hit me quite hard, and I can spend long sessions on webcams and that kind of thing. I dont meet up with women - just masturbation.

To cut a long story short - now that I found this website the facts about dopamine, my 'addictive' nature, and my experiences in the relationship all started to make sense. In a way this is a relief - it is not all that I am a major loser! Or these thoughts / actions are all my own fault in a sense, although i must take responsibility for them - but there are reasons which did not help me.

Anyway, I tried a period of abstention from masturbation which is similar to this one. So I will talk about this one, I stopped masturbation about 30days ago, but I still go through periods of watching porn which is really painful when i come out of them. Also the tremendous energy which is unwielded (which seems to have not been released since I was in my late teens) is tremendously difficult to cope with. This energy it seems went largely into masturbation, and kind of 'drained' and sedated me.

Now I understand the other things that people do to satisfy this energy's demand to get out! Activities I just thought I couldn't be bothered with - start to look interesting - and I kind of regret that my talent for sport - which i didn't see through - now seems to be wasted - it all seems to have been wasted energy - a terrible waste really.

I am also quite worried, because I get permanently horny, and I just cannot get this energy out, I notice some definite improvements in how I approach women, but my motives are all over the place, still having this sexual connotation.

Losing the 'high' of masturbation - but still fantasising is doing me head in. I think I read an article about the fantasy being the issue, and then beyond that is why do I want to live in a fantasy world? Reality is intensely painful, and also in a sense intensely boring to somebody who is used to great highs (and lows) of dopamine.

I am determined to stick at it though, and try and unwire this association, to try and get a healthy balance of dopamine.

It is hard. I find myself going to nightclubs to try and get laid etc...
... I also find myself going camping in the woods...
it is all very confusing.

anyway i think that is quite enough!

thanks for letting me write.