my experience & my journey in recovery

Submitted by selfhealer on Thu, 2010-07-29 18:28
Addicts

Hi all,

I have been reading this site for a while and it helped me understand what is going on with my sexual experiences. I am in the process of recovering from sex addiction and would greatly appreciate any advice. Here is my story:

I am 30 years old and started watching and masturbating to porn regularly since I was about 19. I now know that I used porn/masturbation all these years as a way to medicate myself from a poor lifestyle that caused boredom and unhappiness.

Just like every other addict, my tastes in porn became more and more raunchier as time went by. I first realized that this escalation was a problem when I started to experience a desire to watch gay porn about a year ago. This was scary for me as I have always been strongly attracted to women, and the fear of becoming gay was a bit hard to handle. So about 7 months ago, prior to finding this web site, I decided to stop my porn habit, because I knew it was causing all kinds of problems.

About 4-5 weeks after stopping porn (but continuing masturbation), I experienced intense gay fantasies which soon turned into compulsions. I tried to meet men from online sites to act out my gay fantasies. Fortunately, I was able to see the irrational nature of my behavior and talked myself out of this craziness. After stumbling upon this web site and learning the science behind the brain's primitive reward circuitry, I quickly realized that I have to eliminate all sexual stimuli, including masturbation, for a lengthy period of time in order to recover. All forms of physical stimulation and orgasm, as well as visual stimulation (porn, sexual images, sexual fantasies) have to stop.

After stopping both porn and masturbation about 4 months ago, I managed to kick the porn habit completely. I also have not masturbated since then. Unfortunately, I experienced two relapses, each about 5-8 weeks apart. Even though I stopped masturbating via the penis, the sex addiction tricked me into reaching orgasm both through anal masturbation and nipple stimulation. I also noticed that the primitive brain frequently tricked me into looking at sexually arousing images, such as women in bikinis or lingerie. Although not porn, this had virtually the same effect. Another thing I have observed is that the addiction is closely tied to anxiety and unpleasant feelings. If my stress level goes up, I go back into sexual fantasies.

I have now been about 5-6 weeks without orgasm. For the past several days, I have been dealing with intense gay fantasies. When the urges peak, I find myself awakened in the night by intense sexual urges. I have so far managed to resist all masturbation and nipple pleasure. I now need to be more vigilant in controlling my thoughts. If I start thinking about a fantasy, it can quickly snowball into a strong urge if I don't distract myself with something else.

I am determined to root out my affliction for good. I have come to the conclusion that I need to eliminate porn permanently from my lifestyle. Nothing good ever came from it and in fact kept me from pursuing relationships with women. I also need to stop all forms of physical stimulation and orgasm for many months to come out of this addiction. I now know that sexual pleasure must be enjoyed in moderation, and that it's very different from happiness.

My current challenge is to avoid the thoughts and experiences which lead to relapse. I also am interested in ways to deal with the intense urges that sometimes come about in the middle of the night.

Thanks for reading my issues. I appreciate any practical advice that anyone has to offer. I am certainly willing to contribute and help others with their situations. Let's help each other eliminate this sex addiction nonsense for good.

Submitted by Harmony on Thu, 2010-07-29 19:26.

Hello Self Healer,

Welcome to this site. We have some things in common. I am about your age and have also been addicted to masturbation and porn for about as long as you. I have also been trying for some time to abstain and have experienced many set backs. In fact, I don’t know if I have gone as far as you, as I don’t know how (especially at your age) you have been able to go without orgasm for so long without a partner. I have found it more challenging. The longest I have gone has been 3.5 weeks, and that was really difficult at the time. Other than that I have done many one and two week periods but no more than that. So in that sense, I’d say you have an edge in that you seem to be able to go for longer periods and I wonder how you even do it.

But the other thing that struck me is the connection you are making between feeling states and your addiction. Through the help of attending 12-step meetings like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous I have been able to identify a deep, underlying feeling of powerlessness that seems to be what runs my addictive behaviors. Recognizing the need to get in touch with that feeling and to embrace it has certainly been helpful. Not sure if you will connect with the 12-step approach (everyone is different) but it might be worth checking out. It has certainly helped me.

But I relate as well to the fact of porn and masturbation keeping me from real relationships with women. That is a huge motivating factor for giving them up. I don’t want to say though I know the answer to how to handle powerful feelings in the middle of the night. I am only on day 2 of abstinence and I have faced similar challenges in the past. So until I have dealt with that successfully myself I won’t comment about it.

I applaud your efforts though to abstain from masturbation and pornography, seeing as you have determined that is what needs to be done in order for you to experience the positive changes that you want to see. I have often compromised by trying strategies and techniques like masturbation w/o orgasm or w/o fantasy, or scheduling specific times to masturbate. I am not against those things if they help a person, but so far they have not gotten me anywhere, because I have not been at all successful with practicing them. They all seem to trigger the desire for more, whether it is porn, fantasy, masturbation, or orgasm.

One thing I have found helpful recently is to see my addiction as at least having two parts: porn and masturbation. Thus, I have now been abstinent from porn viewing for about two months, despite continuing to masturbate. You seem to have already experimented with this approach, but I mention it again because I think it can be helpful to at least stay off of porn, even if you continue to masturbate. When you see progress in your ability to stay off of porn it motivates you to set other goals because of the sense of accomplishment.

Blogging here has also been helpful. The more I have meditated on the problem the stronger my resolve has become through time to abstain. Strength of resolve seems to be key. It is helpful therefore to work through any doubts or beliefs that might be standing in the way of making a firm commitment.

Hope some of this was helpful.

Take care,

Harmony

P.S. You might find it helpful to read this blog post from towards the end of my longest period of abstinence. http://www.reuniting.info/node/2886 It points I think to what some of the emotional issues can be behind porn and masturbation addiction, and what it can mean to begin to face those issues. It also points to a practical exercise of writing to your addiction as a long-time lover that you are now choosing to part with.

Submitted by selfhealer on Fri, 2010-07-30 18:12.

Hi Harmony,

To improve your ability to go without an orgasm, you may need a lifestyle change. What is your current life like? If you have too much free time on your hands, then that will certainly suck you back into porn/masturbation within short periods of time. You need to do more to distract yourself from sexual thoughts, long enough until your brain returns to balance. Try attending social events, taking part in sports activities, etc. Basically anything that will fill up all your free time and engage you in different things. This may require you to invest a fair bit of courage to push yourself out of your comfort zone and develop new habits.

Thanks for your suggestions. Take care.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Thu, 2010-07-29 21:01.

Hmmm...first congratulations on your self-control.

I guess my thought is that you're right. If you want to weaken the circuits to any unwanted desires, then it's a good idea not to fantasize/masturbate to them, as you just strengthen the circuits in question. (In other words, porn isn't the only way to overstimulate the unwanted circuits.)

What I'm wondering is whether you are doing anything to connect with the sex partners you say you want? Any social or sports activities where real partners might be found? We pair-bonders are actually molded to be stressed without the connection our brains crave. All these other attempts to pleasure ourselves may just be inadequate substitutes for those connections. Which means that instead of fighting *them* we should focus a lot of attention on moving toward what we want.

Could be worth making an experiment. I could be wrong, but right now it sounds like your brain is telling you a big lie...that you'll be happy if only you'll do "X. In fact, if you do "X" you are likely to find your satisfaction lasts no longer than any other intense neurochemical hit...and that your brain is soon insisting that "XX" is what is needed. Sneaky, and not ultimately satisfying. Just the ole "binge trigger" at work.

Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like a tricky problem, and I respect your courage in trying to work your way through it. Start a blog if you like, so you can tell us what helps as you figure it out.

*big hug*

Submitted by selfhealer on Fri, 2010-07-30 17:59.

Hi Marnia,

You are right about doing more to connect with women. But it runs deeper than that. Not only do I need to align myself with meeting women, but I need to change my lifestyle in general, do more things to have fun and enjoy life. I am working on this, but it is unfortunately not an overnight process.

I feel that one must feel good about themselves before being able to attract a partner. Women are attracted to confident men, and building confidence is one of my goals. I have grown up an introvert, so this is an area of growth for me. Social activities are definitely on my plan, as are other activities for developing self-esteem; travelling, taking public speaking classes, etc. Unfortunately, the anxiety from my sex addiction is slowing me down. I will just have to push myself through them, get out of my comfort zone.

The key I believe is to keep yourself occupied with interesting activities. For one, this will keep your mind from wandering into sexual thoughts. Also, as I noted earlier, whenever unpleasant feelings come on, the sex cravings kick in. By engaging in enjoyable activities, we can reduce the disparity between our emotional state and the 'pleasant' feelings of a sexual high. Another thing is to stop analyzing your condition. The more you try to make sense of your crazy desires, the more your mind falls back into mental images of sex.

Thanks for your feedback; much appreciated. I will consider starting a blog.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Fri, 2010-07-30 21:27.

It takes time to build a new life, but it's worth the effort. I look forward to hearing about your progress.

My one thought is that there's no need to become perfect before you spend time around women. Smiling and talking with them (and making them feel good about talking with you) will help build that confidence. Happens automatically. smiley So don't wait too long.

Submitted by selfhealer on Sun, 2010-08-01 14:36.

Yes, that's true. The process of personal growth is more dynamic, as many factors interact and feed off of one another. So in fact, you need to begin spending time around women early on.

The only thing I have to mention though, is in regards to a person's 'energy'. The way you feel inside determines the way you project yourself externally: body language, facial expression, tone of voice, etc. My experience has been that when I don't feel good, my energy comes across as creepy to women. I can even see it in the mirror, my facial expression becomes very unapproachable and can make women uncomfortable. So I think a certain initial amount of emotional growth is necessary to avoid negative responses from women (which would be counter-productive).

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sun, 2010-08-01 16:21.

Whether you start with the chicken or the egg, make sure you look after the other one, too, as soon as you can. smiley

TheUnderdog's picture

Submitted by TheUnderdog on Fri, 2010-07-30 09:29.

I know you've probably read this before but there is a HUGE difference between fantasy and the real thing. Even if you get very excited and achieve intense orgasms with gay porn or gay fantasies.

If you were to actually go out and meet with a man you'd end up either 1) disgusted or 2) not turned on enough. Not to mention that you'd feel VERY bad with yourself for being 'gay'.

Trust me on this one.

Same thing happens with heterosexual porn. You see these super hot pornstars and you get all excited and super hard. Then you meet a real woman who is also super hot and you have trouble getting an erection.

Stop feeling bad about these gay fantasies. The more "wrong" they are, the more excited you'll get. Gay fantasies are actually quite normal among regular men and women that are not porn addicts.

Submitted by selfhealer on Fri, 2010-07-30 18:28.

Agreed. The more you tell yourself that the gay desires are bad and wrong and crazy, the more you make them taboo, which will feed back into your reward circuitry recognizing them as 'risky' and exciting.

Another important reason not to engage in sex with a man, is to prevent the experience from becoming a part of your identity. I think this is how homosexuality comes about. Young boys have experiences that make homosexuality a part of their self-concept. So they continue to have gay experiences as they grow up, which only strengthen the fetish over time and diminish their desire for women. Perhaps simplistic, but this is my theory for now.

Thanks for the ideas. Take care.

Submitted by TheGeneral on Sun, 2011-11-20 08:46.

I agree too, fanatasies are not who you are. Like you, before porn esclatation, I was very attracted to women, when the porn esclatation occured, I feared that I was turning gay. But the truth is you cant turn gay more than you can turn into a carrot. It doesnt sound like you have OCD, but I developed severe OCD over fears of turning gay. I have been on blogs of thousands of pages of straight guys ending up watching gay porn as part of porn escalation. What turns you on doesnt dictate your sexuality, perhaps 50 years ago when there wasnt internet porn that statement was valid. Because before I discovered porn, I would never thought one day this would become a problem for me. It was only after years of porn desensitization that I have reached this point. I remember the first time I started watching porn, I watched hetero porn than it was lesbian porn than after lesbian porn, my tastes became very skewed, I started developing fantasies ranging from beastiality to threesomes with two girls to transexual porn. The fetishes came and went. Anything that gave me a high and was new and exciting. I agree with marnia and the majority of scientists in that sexuality is dictated by who you are sexually attracted to. Dont do what porn is telling you to do. Because all in all it is merely porn, and it shouldnt control what you do. What we OCDèrs commonly say, if you were gay you`d know it, like the way you know you are straight. Keep it up! You will make it through.