Day 10, old wounds, reflection

So, I've been recording my voice and working on my vocal projection, articulation of words and overall delivery. I'm soft spoken and I need to break that (as a man especially!). I've had bad experiences where people thought I was the push over type. Often times they'd say I was too laid back or too calm. Which brings up another topic: during my childhood I was played on ritalin because, the teacher said I was a disturbance. But I personally remember days where I was just not interested in math. Yet I was very artistic, always drawing. I can't crunch numbers its just not something I can do. So obviously I don't want to do something I'm not good at. I remember being very outspoken and having people tell me "not to do this" or "not to do that". I also remember being in tune with my emotions and this may be negative but: whenever someone picked on me I'd end up beating them up. But after being placed on ritalin its almost if that part of me died. Its hard to bring myself to anger, its like I felt numb. In middle school they switched my medication and then I started having OCD symptoms, I remember brief hallucinations when I first started taken it before middle school. As you can guess I developed a passive personality due the situational influences. I rarely talked I just kept to myself, yet I always felt somewhat angry inside. I remember feeling numb at a cousin's funeral when I was 11. I couldn't cry I felt blank. I was upset mentally but emotionally i was not there. I still do and I just explode when angry...I just can't seem to have a middle ground. I'm just one of those people who's either feeling it or not.

Also due to not having a father around I never knew how to be assertive...so I'm working on being more assertive. I also have trust issues after being physically abused when I was 4, by an ex boyfriend of my mom's. I guess that's where my anger comes from to the point to where I really don't care about the other individual if they intend to hurt me. The problem in my last relationship was that I was not assertive from the get go. The problem is that people can't handle me when I'm angry. As a child kids didn't like me because I mumbled to myself or was a 'disturbance' so I forced myself to be 'humble' or mellow so that I can interact with them better. I really I don't feel satisfied being this way. I really want to get my weaknesses taken care of before I committ to a relationship in the future. I don't want to bring baggage to a relationship, I've been on the receiving end. I want to be that strong willed, outspoken alpha male who will handle situations with confidence. I'm hoping that by abstaining I can have healthy emotions, like being angry but being able to handle the situation in an assertive manner. Right now I'm feeling pretty anxious, still no porn or masturbation as of today. I really want to see what will come of this. I've been networking with local musicians in the area to work on different music projects, i need to get things setup for next week. Also need to get school setup so I can finish these two courses and have my degree. Even if the career choice wasn't a good one I still want that paper on my wall, since I'm paying student loans right now. Anyway, if anyone can suggest any books on being more assertive I'd appreciate it.