Week 6

Ive been going through another sort of withdrawals. Changing my spending and money habits is forcing me to be disciplined. Before I hit rock-bottom with my addiction, I was starting to form better habits with my budget. Actually, it seemed like I was naturally starting to make a lot of progress with a lot of different things in my life before I fell into the addiction. This aspect of my life has always been poor and I feel like I might be able to get at this now that I am not so stuck in obsession/addiction right now. Maybe some healthy redirection of addiction. I did this recently with working out and even trying to date, and these efforts have led to more permanent habits and maturity. They have been very good for my life in general. Habits are difficult to change, but it feels like I am starting to pick up steam on changing some of them. I really feel that if you can get through some of these sexual compulsions, then the other stuff comes naturally.

I feel the withdrawals of owning up to a budget and trying to take full responsibility for my finances. I have never thought of spending in terms of an addiction, and maybe that is going to far to say that, but if nothing else there are some parallels. They that I have spent money in the past, has had elements of compulsion in it and the results of having no cash and feeling the loss and powerlessness of it every so often in my life has created much stress in my life. And stress is not good for addictions. As I get my stress under control, I can manage my life better, as I manage my life better, my stress comes under control. After all, the real culprit of addictions and "nice guyism" is poor management of anxiety and shame.

Another positive thing that is coming into focus is graduate school applications. I went and interviewed a school today. I interviewed them to ask about their program. I cant believe I had the balls to go to the director of the program and start interviewing HER to see if the program was a good match for ME. The interview went very good and we hit it off. I was a little nervous, but we had a good conversation and I feel that I am finding my niche in this field. I was not ready for this step a couple of years ago, even a year ago, but I feel that I have enough traction in my personal life that I can do this. School has been a major source of pain and shame in my life while dealing with the addiction, and the last year of withdrawals have been difficult, but it seems like my head is starting to clear up a little and my habits and character are starting to heal. The personal deep seated shame is starting to lift and I am starting to become a lot more natural and relaxed in social situations.

The sex thoughts have come and gone, but they have overall not really been there. I am so tired from dealing with all the other challenges and aspects in my life, that sex is on the backburner. It feels like a lot of energy is being used to reroute these channels in my head and to create new habits. There are a good many days where I am exhausted and depressed, but I look at how my life and habits are transforming and how self-made stressful situations are dissolving and its hard to think that these depressed feelings are going to last for long. I am trying to take care of the external situations as much as the internal one's.

It feels like Ive spent my entire life creating this web of negative thoughts and habits into my mind and every step of this unraveling is both surfacing and relieving aspects of depression. I got an email from one of the members of the no more mr nice guy forum tonight and it reminded me of how I need to focus more on handling some of my shame, a major source of my depression.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato